Annoying people are annoying
Something I've come to realize is that people have kind of an ignorant view of ADHD. I can't even count the amount of times I've mentioned that I have it or someone finds out and they laugh and say "Hi my name is... Ohhhh plastic bag!" Or something similar. I can joke about it at times because what am I going to do? But what I don't mention is sometimes it is really painful to function and try to pretend to be normal. These are a handful of things that I deal with day to day:
- Verbal communication, many people with ADHD have poor verbal communication. You know what you want to say and practice in your head over and over what you're going to say but when it comes out its all wrong. There are times I try to speak and I just can't form a sentence that sounds half as intelligent as I am because I can't think of the right words. When I'm writing I find expressing myself a lot easier.
Sometimes I go to say something and halfway through saying that word my mouth decides to say another word. I often stutter words because of that or sound like I momentarily have some weird accent.
I often speak out of turn, a lot of the time because if I can't get it out right then and there ill completely forget my thought process. Other times I just can't control it.
Ill sometimes say things impulsively without thinking. It's like I have no filter. Due to my sense of humour most of the time people think I'm being hilarious other times I just go to far and get embarrassed after its come out of my mouth. This is often helpful in the witty department as it often causes me to randomly sprout witty comments but its not always the nicest thing and often crosses the line. But then sometimes it just ends up me saying something and then an awkward uncomfortable silence washes over everyone and I can't for the life of me explain why the fuck I just said what I said.
Ill spend hours over analyzing things I've said and even days, months and years later feel ashamed and embarrassed and wonder why I said it.
With that said things I'm extremely passionate about, once I get going its hard to get me to shut up about it.
- Day to Day Tasks : I can complete day to day tasks but not usually in a timely manner. The only hope I have in completing school work or work at work that is not a routine is writing it down as a checklist. And even then getting around to finishing them all in time is quite the challenge. If something is a routine that is done daily I don't need to write it down, I won't forget. If some foreign force gets between me and my routine that is another story. That could be an incident, other people, or my emotions if I get thrown off in the middle of things I do that is a routine suddenly things I could normally do with the snap of a finger becomes messed up, takes 10 times longer to finish and I sometimes forget how to do it or miss details.
- Absent mindedness that makes you think you have Alzheimer's. I misplace things extremely easily. Things I barely had more than half a minute ago. Especially if I'm distracted. The amount of times I lose my keys and then find them in weird places after retracing my steps is ridiculous. Sometimes I forget half way through saying something what I was getting at. There are times I go to do something at work or at home that's important and if destination A to B is too far apart a simple thing that should take seconds could take hours. For example an employee asks me to bring them a certain item, ill go to get it and then see something like excess dust on a vent on the ceiling and suddenly I find myself in search of a duster and I'm dusting off the ceiling and suddenly wondering what I was doing before I started dusting. It's not that I'm forgetful, I just get distracted to the point my mind does not formulate a proper memory of a few seconds ago. This is a reason I'm scared to actually drive alone, if I get distracted easily I'm worried ill kill myself. I may never be able to drive unmedicated.
- Impulsive Behavior : The WTF did you say that for? Reaction I give myself is the same as my WTF did you do that for? Reaction. I do things, stupid things, ridiculous things without my warning bells going off. I do it so fast I don't have time to stop myself. It's getting easier with age I can control myself a lot more but there are still times I just cringe.
When I was 17 long before i was diagnosed there was a girl in school my friends hated. She sat in front of me to the left in math class. I got a thought that pulling her 'fake Barbie crimp and curl hair '(as we called it) would be hilarious. People think dumb things, they giggle to themselves then realize its stupid, wrong or hurtful and don't do it. Before I had time to rationalize my thought process I went for it and tried to yank her hair. I ended up missing falling forward and taking my desk and chair down with me. I ended up on the floor with my whole class laughing at me including the teacher. My friends who had been sitting behind me actually saw what I had tried to do and were pissing themselves. They loved me for it, I liked the attention but deep down I was mortified. I couldn't believe I'd done that, what if I'd yanked her hair out? I'd have been suspended, expelled, possibly charged with assault. Everything most people rationalize first came after the fact. I chalked it up as me being super immature and possibly mentally unstable.
Ugh I could go on forever about this. I could write a whole novel. Those things above are only the tip of things I deal with day to day. They are things people with only a stereotypical idea of what ADHD really is don't realize. Most people think ADHD is a hyperactive kid who won't concentrate and gets distracted by shiny things like a cat does. I wish it were that simple.
Not everyone has the same symptoms or problems but a lot of people I know or read about online with ADHD struggle with the same issues I do. I'm still learning things, I recently started going to this Add/AdHD forum and I almost cried because some of the things I read that people deal with or go through are things I can relate to that I didn't think was even a symptom/issue of ADHD I thought that were just defects in my personality or day to day life.
People think its a fake over diagnosed disorder. It maybe over diagnosed in children but what I deal with is very real and no asshole can tell me different. And to be honest nobody I know closely suffers from it so I find it hard to be open about it. I have nobody to relate to and sometimes I don't know if how I feel is right or wrong.
My medication helps me a lot, yet my friends and people who know me apparently hate it when I'm on them. They say they make me too quiet and focused and change me. Nobody likes me when I'm medicated. They don't realize what it helps me accomplish, even simple tasks they take for granted. I wish someone I knew understood how I felt. It's lonely.
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