(no subject)
I go to NIU. My mind has been spinning these last few days. I didn't know anyone hurt. I was in my dorm room taking a nap when it all went down. It took me three days to even feel something about it. I don't do well with death. I hate thinking about the enormous loss other people are feeling right now. I hate thinking about how 6 people are no longer alive, and 5 of those people had no choice in the matter. It makes me think about my own life. What if it was me? How many lives would be effected by my death? What if it was someone I knew? How would I react? I imagin I'd never get out of bed. I'd probably drop out, since it's already been on my mind. Sometimes I convince myself it didn't happen-- not at my school. Not so close to home. Sometimes I try to be okay with it-- I didn't know anyone, it doesn't directly effect me. But it does. No matter how much I hate that school, or why I'm there, or that I'm there, it's MY SCHOOL. Those are my classmates. I had two classes in that room. I walk past that building multiple times every day. I hate being home now. I can't talk to anything to anyone. I can't talk about school. I can't hear about school. I can't talk about boys. I can't hear about boys. I need something something something. I want to get in a car and drive until I end up somewhere and start new. I need something. And I need it now.