Robots in disguise
I think that I would be happier if I were a nicer person. The thing is, I wouldn't even know where to start. How does a nice person even think about the world? Like, I can fake it on the outside, but how does all that internal stuff work? I guess that sounds kind of bad, I mean, I probably do a lot of things that people probably construe as nice, but to me I just do them out of a sense of human decency and respect, not really out of innate kindness. I can be honestly nice to people that I care about, but I want it to be a ingrained in who I am, for lack of a better phrase. I think that I would like to be the type of person that when other people describe me, they'll use words and phrases like 'he's really nice, or sweet, or whatever.'
Sometimes I tell myself that I can be nice by only thinking good thoughts about people. To that extent I'm forever trying to force myself to rationalize things out for others and always just think the best about them and give them the benefit of the doubt. If I do this for long enough, maybe it will just come naturally to me. Course that is not the case and it kind of sucks because I inevitably realize that I'm just making excuses for other people's shenanigans that that by doing that I'm really not helping anyone.
Awhile back I was on my way to Ralph's and there was this guy walking towards me carrying a case of beer in one hand. All of the sudden the flimsy cardboard box decides to fall apart at the seams, spilling bottles of beer all over the sidewalk. A couple people walk by, giving him the 'wow that really sucks' glance, and maybe one guy even vocalized that. Anyways, I knelt down and helped him pick up his stuff. Probably totally awkward for those 30 seconds, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I dislike the fact that I actually had to debate doing that, even if it was just for 2-3 seconds, and couldn't just stop to help him on pure instinct.
I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy whenever my facebook feed chooses to inform me that a girl that I may or may not have a huge crush on just added a new guy to her friends list. I feel like I'm totally in the wrong for feeling that. It's just a twinge, but still...
Yesterday I was out doing some chores, cashing in my roommates rent check and getting groceries and what not, and I saw an older black gentleman on the bench outside my bank with a guitar in his hands. At first, I waved him off and said sorry, and then went inside the bank. When I got outside, I saw him, and then remembered that I had a dollar or two in my wallet, and made a decision. I gave him a dollar, and he thanked me, asking if I wanted to hear him play something. I guess I was just so startled by fact that he responded in that way that I just kind of froze up and mumbled something about having to go somewhere. I feel bad that he wanted to share something with me and I did not accept. I would have liked to hear him play.
Sometimes I tell myself that I can be nice by only thinking good thoughts about people. To that extent I'm forever trying to force myself to rationalize things out for others and always just think the best about them and give them the benefit of the doubt. If I do this for long enough, maybe it will just come naturally to me. Course that is not the case and it kind of sucks because I inevitably realize that I'm just making excuses for other people's shenanigans that that by doing that I'm really not helping anyone.
Awhile back I was on my way to Ralph's and there was this guy walking towards me carrying a case of beer in one hand. All of the sudden the flimsy cardboard box decides to fall apart at the seams, spilling bottles of beer all over the sidewalk. A couple people walk by, giving him the 'wow that really sucks' glance, and maybe one guy even vocalized that. Anyways, I knelt down and helped him pick up his stuff. Probably totally awkward for those 30 seconds, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I dislike the fact that I actually had to debate doing that, even if it was just for 2-3 seconds, and couldn't just stop to help him on pure instinct.
I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy whenever my facebook feed chooses to inform me that a girl that I may or may not have a huge crush on just added a new guy to her friends list. I feel like I'm totally in the wrong for feeling that. It's just a twinge, but still...
Yesterday I was out doing some chores, cashing in my roommates rent check and getting groceries and what not, and I saw an older black gentleman on the bench outside my bank with a guitar in his hands. At first, I waved him off and said sorry, and then went inside the bank. When I got outside, I saw him, and then remembered that I had a dollar or two in my wallet, and made a decision. I gave him a dollar, and he thanked me, asking if I wanted to hear him play something. I guess I was just so startled by fact that he responded in that way that I just kind of froze up and mumbled something about having to go somewhere. I feel bad that he wanted to share something with me and I did not accept. I would have liked to hear him play.