(no subject)
What the hell am I still doing up? haha. It's almost 2am. *shrugs* Oh
well...it's the weekend. It's the only time I can stay up and wake up
late :-P I just had a few things on my mind and I haven't written in a
long time.
So I'm really trying to figure out why I do the
things I do. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that I am a good
person. It's like I'm battling with questions of what my morals are
now. Or how they've changed due to big traumatic events happening in my
life. And due to the life changing event back in October 2007....I'm
more confused as to who I am than I've ever been in my life.
For
one...why the hell do I keep feeling empty? Something is missing in my
life and I can't figure out what it is. It's as if my life is on hold
and I can't move forward. I consider myself a very lucky person and I'm
trying to be the best daughter, sister and friend I could possibly be.
I'm trying to make my folks proud and make up for all the messed up
things I did or said in the past. Part of that has been cutting back on
going out so much. I mean I go clubbin once in a while...but rarely
drink anymore. I also don't put myself in a situation where I'll mess
around with a guy. I've also distant myself from friends who are into
drugs. Sorry dudes....I'm not getting high with you so quit offering.
For
two....since October 2007 I've turned into a very private person. I
used to put myself out there a lot...get hurt...bounce back and put
myself out there again. I've definitely quit doing that. Now I just
show everybody I'm ok....smile...laugh as hard as I could and leave it
at that. However, there are times where I just feel like breaking down,
crying hysterically or punching a wall. But I keep that bottled up now.
It's SO important for me to prove to others that I'm OK and will always
bounce back. Which I always do. I've been through some FUCKED UP things
and made it out alive where I should have died. And the ONLY people
that have been there for me the most through thick and thin was my
mama, papa and little sister. I owe my mama my life for being the only
one believing in me when nobody else did.
So with that
said...I'm FINALLY going to try hard at counseling to deal with the
event of October 2007. I can't pretend it's ok anymore or as if it
didn't happen. I will never forget that visit in the emergency after he
hurt me that way. He got away with what he did....but hell...karma is a
bitch. Now I have to take care of ME.
I can't share everything
of the issues I'm dealing with because of that event because it is so
embarrassing for me and even..shameful to me. So hopefully I'll give
this new counselor a shot. Cuz the last time I spoke about the event in
a counseling group I made the members cry..some leaving the room and
even made the counselor cry. I can't talk about it to my mama because
it hurts her too much. I guess that's the biggest reason I don't talk
about it or deal with it because nobody can ever really handle the
gruesome details. I guess that's what a licensed counselor is for then
right?
For three....LOVE. I see friends falling in love,
getting married and having babies. I am so happy for all of you!
However, I can't seem to find love. I go out on dates a lot...but I can
never find that special spark with anybody. And they keep asking me
what it is I'm looking for a guy? And I never really know what to say.
I have found a few with all the qualities I want in a man...but no
spark. So we just end up being friends. *shrugs* I've only been madly
in love once. And I almost married him. He will ALWAYS hold a special
place in my heart...but I let that love go. It took me a couple of
years but I finally made myself emotionally available. So here I am
with arms wide open....but no guy! haha. Ah oh well. He'll come into my
life when I least expect it right? :-P
So I'm going to try to make a list of the qualities I want in a man since I get asked that a lot. I really don't ask for much...but here it goes:
SOMEONE WHO WILL ROMANCE ME. TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW ME, MY DREAMS, AMBITIONS. SOMEONE WHO CAN HANDLE MY FREE SPIRIT PERSONALITY. I LOVE ADVENTURES AND ACT ON IMPULSE. IN FACT, THAT'S HOW I END UP WITH PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS HAHA. SORRY TO SAY THIS TOO....BUT SOMEONE WHO CAN HANDLE MY HIGH SEX DRIVE HAHA. BUT NOTE THIS....YOU WILL NOT GET INTO MY PANTS UNTIL YOU PROVE YOURSELF TO ME :-D SOMEONE WHO IF NEEDED, FIGHT FOR ME. IM NOT TALKING ABOUT KICKING SOMEBODY'S ASS...BUT SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH. SOMEONE AS PASSIONATE AS ME.
SORRY....I'M NOT INTO REAL RELIGIOUS GUYS. I TOTALLY RESPECT YOUR VIEWS AND ADMIRE HAVING THAT SORT OF FAITH....BUT NEVER TRY TO GET ME INTO ORGANIZED RELIGION. I WAS BAPTIZED CATHOLIC....BUT DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF CATHOLIC/CHRISTIAN. I AM SPIRITUAL AND NEVER PRESS MY VIEWS ON YOU...SO DONT PRESS YOUR VIEWS ON ME.
A GUY WITH A JOB...IN SCHOOL OR YOU'RE WORKING ON A DREAM. THAT DOESNT MEAN SITTING ON YOUR ASS AND DREAMING AWAY. HAHA
OTHER THAN THAT....AGE DOESNT MATTER TO ME. YOUR STYLE OR THE WAY YOU DRESS DOESNT MATTER SO AS LONG AS YOU'RE CLEAN (HYGIENE) HAHA.
I AM A HANDFUL AND IT TAKES TIME FOR ME TO OPEN UP COMPLETELY TO SOMEONE. I LOVE JOKING AND LAUGHING A LOT....ESPECIALLY WHEN IM NERVOUS OR SAD.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE....SOMEONE WHO WILL CHALLENGE ME. SOMEONE WHO WILL STAND UP TO ME IF YOU DON'T AGREE. IF YOU CONSTANTLY AGREE WITH ME ON EVERYTHING I WILL GET BORED. I LOVE AND ADMIRE INDIVIDUALITY.
ONCE I OPEN UP TO YOU, YOU CAN BET I WILL LOVE AND RESPECT YOU FOREVER. WHETHER IT BE ROMANTICALLY OR JUST BEING FRIENDS.
Well that's it for now. It's 2:30 and I should probably try sleeping. I'll write more later.
well...it's the weekend. It's the only time I can stay up and wake up
late :-P I just had a few things on my mind and I haven't written in a
long time.
So I'm really trying to figure out why I do the
things I do. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that I am a good
person. It's like I'm battling with questions of what my morals are
now. Or how they've changed due to big traumatic events happening in my
life. And due to the life changing event back in October 2007....I'm
more confused as to who I am than I've ever been in my life.
For
one...why the hell do I keep feeling empty? Something is missing in my
life and I can't figure out what it is. It's as if my life is on hold
and I can't move forward. I consider myself a very lucky person and I'm
trying to be the best daughter, sister and friend I could possibly be.
I'm trying to make my folks proud and make up for all the messed up
things I did or said in the past. Part of that has been cutting back on
going out so much. I mean I go clubbin once in a while...but rarely
drink anymore. I also don't put myself in a situation where I'll mess
around with a guy. I've also distant myself from friends who are into
drugs. Sorry dudes....I'm not getting high with you so quit offering.
For
two....since October 2007 I've turned into a very private person. I
used to put myself out there a lot...get hurt...bounce back and put
myself out there again. I've definitely quit doing that. Now I just
show everybody I'm ok....smile...laugh as hard as I could and leave it
at that. However, there are times where I just feel like breaking down,
crying hysterically or punching a wall. But I keep that bottled up now.
It's SO important for me to prove to others that I'm OK and will always
bounce back. Which I always do. I've been through some FUCKED UP things
and made it out alive where I should have died. And the ONLY people
that have been there for me the most through thick and thin was my
mama, papa and little sister. I owe my mama my life for being the only
one believing in me when nobody else did.
So with that
said...I'm FINALLY going to try hard at counseling to deal with the
event of October 2007. I can't pretend it's ok anymore or as if it
didn't happen. I will never forget that visit in the emergency after he
hurt me that way. He got away with what he did....but hell...karma is a
bitch. Now I have to take care of ME.
I can't share everything
of the issues I'm dealing with because of that event because it is so
embarrassing for me and even..shameful to me. So hopefully I'll give
this new counselor a shot. Cuz the last time I spoke about the event in
a counseling group I made the members cry..some leaving the room and
even made the counselor cry. I can't talk about it to my mama because
it hurts her too much. I guess that's the biggest reason I don't talk
about it or deal with it because nobody can ever really handle the
gruesome details. I guess that's what a licensed counselor is for then
right?
For three....LOVE. I see friends falling in love,
getting married and having babies. I am so happy for all of you!
However, I can't seem to find love. I go out on dates a lot...but I can
never find that special spark with anybody. And they keep asking me
what it is I'm looking for a guy? And I never really know what to say.
I have found a few with all the qualities I want in a man...but no
spark. So we just end up being friends. *shrugs* I've only been madly
in love once. And I almost married him. He will ALWAYS hold a special
place in my heart...but I let that love go. It took me a couple of
years but I finally made myself emotionally available. So here I am
with arms wide open....but no guy! haha. Ah oh well. He'll come into my
life when I least expect it right? :-P
So I'm going to try to make a list of the qualities I want in a man since I get asked that a lot. I really don't ask for much...but here it goes:
SOMEONE WHO WILL ROMANCE ME. TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW ME, MY DREAMS, AMBITIONS. SOMEONE WHO CAN HANDLE MY FREE SPIRIT PERSONALITY. I LOVE ADVENTURES AND ACT ON IMPULSE. IN FACT, THAT'S HOW I END UP WITH PIERCINGS AND TATTOOS HAHA. SORRY TO SAY THIS TOO....BUT SOMEONE WHO CAN HANDLE MY HIGH SEX DRIVE HAHA. BUT NOTE THIS....YOU WILL NOT GET INTO MY PANTS UNTIL YOU PROVE YOURSELF TO ME :-D SOMEONE WHO IF NEEDED, FIGHT FOR ME. IM NOT TALKING ABOUT KICKING SOMEBODY'S ASS...BUT SOMEONE WHO WILL NEVER GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH. SOMEONE AS PASSIONATE AS ME.
SORRY....I'M NOT INTO REAL RELIGIOUS GUYS. I TOTALLY RESPECT YOUR VIEWS AND ADMIRE HAVING THAT SORT OF FAITH....BUT NEVER TRY TO GET ME INTO ORGANIZED RELIGION. I WAS BAPTIZED CATHOLIC....BUT DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF CATHOLIC/CHRISTIAN. I AM SPIRITUAL AND NEVER PRESS MY VIEWS ON YOU...SO DONT PRESS YOUR VIEWS ON ME.
A GUY WITH A JOB...IN SCHOOL OR YOU'RE WORKING ON A DREAM. THAT DOESNT MEAN SITTING ON YOUR ASS AND DREAMING AWAY. HAHA
OTHER THAN THAT....AGE DOESNT MATTER TO ME. YOUR STYLE OR THE WAY YOU DRESS DOESNT MATTER SO AS LONG AS YOU'RE CLEAN (HYGIENE) HAHA.
I AM A HANDFUL AND IT TAKES TIME FOR ME TO OPEN UP COMPLETELY TO SOMEONE. I LOVE JOKING AND LAUGHING A LOT....ESPECIALLY WHEN IM NERVOUS OR SAD.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE....SOMEONE WHO WILL CHALLENGE ME. SOMEONE WHO WILL STAND UP TO ME IF YOU DON'T AGREE. IF YOU CONSTANTLY AGREE WITH ME ON EVERYTHING I WILL GET BORED. I LOVE AND ADMIRE INDIVIDUALITY.
ONCE I OPEN UP TO YOU, YOU CAN BET I WILL LOVE AND RESPECT YOU FOREVER. WHETHER IT BE ROMANTICALLY OR JUST BEING FRIENDS.
Well that's it for now. It's 2:30 and I should probably try sleeping. I'll write more later.