(no subject)
October 5th 2007. The day I started to change into someone I don't recognize anymore. And ever since I haven't
spoken much about the incident to anybody. I tried seeing a counselor
once...but discovered it was so hard to even be there that I never went
back. The counselor sent me a letter weeks later and asked me to make
an appointment again to see her. I never responded to her letter.
I'm
the kind of person that tries so hard to show everybody I'm ok. I avoid
talking about the incident. In fact, when I was in the emergency room
the day I was raped...I kept laughing and making jokes. However, my
trembling and silent tears running down my face during the exam seemed to have given it away.
Ever since my rapist got away
with the violent crime he did to me...I've tried shutting this out of
my life. I keep telling myself I'm ok because I don't show the same
symptoms as most rape victims do. I don't cry myself to sleep or any of
the stereotypical signs. All I do is think about what happened....the
hospital visit....the physical damage he had given me that lasted for
weeks....and I start to feel shame. I feel embarrassed because I feel
like not many know what it's like to be raped anally.... the
humiliation.
I feel the need to prove to people that I'm ok
and that it doesn't affect me anymore. However, I feel like a ticking
time bomb and I feel like I'm going to explode and have a major mental
breakdown. And considering my personality, I in no way will show a
mental breakdown to anybody. I want to be seen as strong and
empowering.
I am confused when it comes to sexuality, too. I
am ashamed of that as well. I feel the need to have sex. I love it. I
enjoy it. I am addicted. It's my high. I've tried ending the
casual sex. I haven't had sex in weeks because I'm trying to control
that. But I feel like I'm fooling myself and should just give into the
new person I have become. Accept the new me. That's when I feel the most alive.
And ever since I've quit the casual sex...I feel so lost as
a person. I feel like I'm losing who I am. I feel like I am not doing
anything special with my life except wasting it. I am stuck and can't
seem to advance. I want to scream, CRY hysterically and let out the
pain.... but I can't. I feel so numb yet desperate to let go.
I can't seem to hold on to a relationship either. I find a guy who really likes me, respects me (I didn't even let him kiss me!) and I end up pushing him away. So far away that he finds someone new. It's like I can't handle someone loving me. I want to be in love again (I've only loved once and that was when I lived with Cory) and since then...I can't seem to bring myself to care about anybody else. I feel like I had my chance at true love...and I lost it. And after I was raped...I feel like I'm not the person I used to be. I've lost myself. I've lost my passion.
THERE IS SOMETHING BIG MISSING IN MY LIFE. I FEEL EMPTY.
I feel
like if I don't find a reason for what happened to me and use it for a
good cause....then there is no reason for me to be here anymore. I'm desperate :(
spoken much about the incident to anybody. I tried seeing a counselor
once...but discovered it was so hard to even be there that I never went
back. The counselor sent me a letter weeks later and asked me to make
an appointment again to see her. I never responded to her letter.
I'm
the kind of person that tries so hard to show everybody I'm ok. I avoid
talking about the incident. In fact, when I was in the emergency room
the day I was raped...I kept laughing and making jokes. However, my
trembling and silent tears running down my face during the exam seemed to have given it away.
Ever since my rapist got away
with the violent crime he did to me...I've tried shutting this out of
my life. I keep telling myself I'm ok because I don't show the same
symptoms as most rape victims do. I don't cry myself to sleep or any of
the stereotypical signs. All I do is think about what happened....the
hospital visit....the physical damage he had given me that lasted for
weeks....and I start to feel shame. I feel embarrassed because I feel
like not many know what it's like to be raped anally.... the
humiliation.
I feel the need to prove to people that I'm ok
and that it doesn't affect me anymore. However, I feel like a ticking
time bomb and I feel like I'm going to explode and have a major mental
breakdown. And considering my personality, I in no way will show a
mental breakdown to anybody. I want to be seen as strong and
empowering.
I am confused when it comes to sexuality, too. I
am ashamed of that as well. I feel the need to have sex. I love it. I
enjoy it. I am addicted. It's my high. I've tried ending the
casual sex. I haven't had sex in weeks because I'm trying to control
that. But I feel like I'm fooling myself and should just give into the
new person I have become. Accept the new me. That's when I feel the most alive.
And ever since I've quit the casual sex...I feel so lost as
a person. I feel like I'm losing who I am. I feel like I am not doing
anything special with my life except wasting it. I am stuck and can't
seem to advance. I want to scream, CRY hysterically and let out the
pain.... but I can't. I feel so numb yet desperate to let go.
I can't seem to hold on to a relationship either. I find a guy who really likes me, respects me (I didn't even let him kiss me!) and I end up pushing him away. So far away that he finds someone new. It's like I can't handle someone loving me. I want to be in love again (I've only loved once and that was when I lived with Cory) and since then...I can't seem to bring myself to care about anybody else. I feel like I had my chance at true love...and I lost it. And after I was raped...I feel like I'm not the person I used to be. I've lost myself. I've lost my passion.
THERE IS SOMETHING BIG MISSING IN MY LIFE. I FEEL EMPTY.
I feel
like if I don't find a reason for what happened to me and use it for a
good cause....then there is no reason for me to be here anymore. I'm desperate :(