let's get cracking.
okay well this is probably going to be along one. sorry.
today is the official unveiling of the new me.
more real. which in turn would probably make me unhappy. but after my little visit to the woods, i realized that if being real got in the way of my so-called happiness, then i wasn't being real. that really doesn't express what i meant. what i meant, is that if being real which is something that i cannot define because the definition is infinitely different for everyone, and it varies even for me i just kind of have had this culminating (usage?) revelation (once again, usage?) that now i know what being real is to me. but if being real makes me unhappy, but i am being real, then i should be happy because my life is going the real way not the sugar-coated way that can probably be compared to sweeping dust and dirt under a rug, until some day you have to clean out underneath the rug, and all the dirt and dust and whatever else decides to make its home under there makes you sick, gives you a hard time, makes you queasey. ( oh dear god i can't spell) so all of these things that if i was just making myself supposedly happy by saying or doing are really making me unreal and fake. and i would rather be real because that assurance that there is nothing under my rug, but clean and clear and obvious varnish over this wood, is probably what true happiness to me means. but i'm not all the way positive on that. but it is more black and white than shades of gray anymore. which i am really proud of.
this time, i am working on having true feelings about things other than politics. that i am actually going to feel strongly about things that have more than one opinion to them. i'm going to be a girl that if one were to talk about my personality, it will not be scattered, but grounded and original and truly beautiful because i am so happy about my new reality that is really real.
a recent event i will use as an example: i will not tell names or specific feelings and hopefully you won't be able to guess.
this feeling about this person was getting in the way of how i wanted to feel truly. so, in the fashion of my new real self, i told this person. but i think they didn't quite got what i said. later i made it more clear (and remember this is to the persons face because the impersonal ways of getting messages across like aim and email and even the phone are not methods that i want to indulge in any more because it is not real. and it takes more guts to be able to tell someone something to their face. ) and even though the reaction was not what i maybe thought about it being which would've made me happy but maybe in a fake way, i am really happy taht i said what i said and that they said what they said because now that is out of the way which is more important than letting it collect dust. and now i don't have to worry about it anymore but i really hope that this person doesn't think anymore on it either. because i didn't want myself to feel that feeling but i just did. andi hope that telling this person that is going to be the real way and not makeme unhappy. i hope that this was not offensive but really i am not going to follow socially acceptable ways of telling or asking things anymore. because they are not the way i will do it. this will probably disapoint me as it probably is right now but i'm not sure, but i am going to be happy and be glad that it happened this way.
i am takign this to a further level than is probably needed but i feel like i need to and you didn't have to read that. if you did, i'm really sorry to have wasted your time that i respect.
olivia.
today is the official unveiling of the new me.
more real. which in turn would probably make me unhappy. but after my little visit to the woods, i realized that if being real got in the way of my so-called happiness, then i wasn't being real. that really doesn't express what i meant. what i meant, is that if being real which is something that i cannot define because the definition is infinitely different for everyone, and it varies even for me i just kind of have had this culminating (usage?) revelation (once again, usage?) that now i know what being real is to me. but if being real makes me unhappy, but i am being real, then i should be happy because my life is going the real way not the sugar-coated way that can probably be compared to sweeping dust and dirt under a rug, until some day you have to clean out underneath the rug, and all the dirt and dust and whatever else decides to make its home under there makes you sick, gives you a hard time, makes you queasey. ( oh dear god i can't spell) so all of these things that if i was just making myself supposedly happy by saying or doing are really making me unreal and fake. and i would rather be real because that assurance that there is nothing under my rug, but clean and clear and obvious varnish over this wood, is probably what true happiness to me means. but i'm not all the way positive on that. but it is more black and white than shades of gray anymore. which i am really proud of.
this time, i am working on having true feelings about things other than politics. that i am actually going to feel strongly about things that have more than one opinion to them. i'm going to be a girl that if one were to talk about my personality, it will not be scattered, but grounded and original and truly beautiful because i am so happy about my new reality that is really real.
a recent event i will use as an example: i will not tell names or specific feelings and hopefully you won't be able to guess.
this feeling about this person was getting in the way of how i wanted to feel truly. so, in the fashion of my new real self, i told this person. but i think they didn't quite got what i said. later i made it more clear (and remember this is to the persons face because the impersonal ways of getting messages across like aim and email and even the phone are not methods that i want to indulge in any more because it is not real. and it takes more guts to be able to tell someone something to their face. ) and even though the reaction was not what i maybe thought about it being which would've made me happy but maybe in a fake way, i am really happy taht i said what i said and that they said what they said because now that is out of the way which is more important than letting it collect dust. and now i don't have to worry about it anymore but i really hope that this person doesn't think anymore on it either. because i didn't want myself to feel that feeling but i just did. andi hope that telling this person that is going to be the real way and not makeme unhappy. i hope that this was not offensive but really i am not going to follow socially acceptable ways of telling or asking things anymore. because they are not the way i will do it. this will probably disapoint me as it probably is right now but i'm not sure, but i am going to be happy and be glad that it happened this way.
i am takign this to a further level than is probably needed but i feel like i need to and you didn't have to read that. if you did, i'm really sorry to have wasted your time that i respect.
olivia.