It would be Easier to Be Myself
if every time i got this profound idea that wracks my brain and i can't seem to grip how to put the idea that i almost have figured out into use in my life, that someone else figures it out. but see it's not that easy for me.
see: (although i have a slight problem with the conclusion. it is andrew's. btw.)
You know what's the crappiest advice I've ever been given? Be yourself. I'm completely Bardelsian serious. I've been given that advice all my life and I used to give it to others. Before you go out and make a bitch out of your life trying to do it, let me tell you: it doesn't fucking work. Oh sure, for some people it does. There are some people who are born with what we call "natural coolness." Of course being yourself is for those people. Why wouldn't they want to be themselves?
I used to be all into "being myself" and not caring what other people thought of me. And you know what it got me? It got me no friends at all. I lived in a miserable little hellhole. I've come to learn that the people who go around saying "be yourself and don't worry what other people think of you" are people who have never HAD to worry what other people thought of them. Of course they'll give you that advice. It works for them. It doesn't work for everyone. Me, I'm now completely satisfied with being a poseur. I don't know what that means, but at least now I have friends.
Sometimes I wonder if it's a sad thing that I gave up on "being myself." I don't really know. Sometime's I do wonder what happened to my I-don't-care-what-anyone-else thinks-of-me attitude when I see myself conforming to everything that's hip, new, and trendy out there. And believe me, I suck it all in like a big Oreck vacuum cleaner. But then I realized that in order to have any friends or amigos at all, you have to suck up to every last one of them. It's really not as bad as it sounds.
Since I've discovered irony, I've learned that it doesn't matter what you "are" anymore. Because you can "pretend" to be anything and it's always just a "joke". Nothing is real anymore. It's the best hiding spot there is. I'll never have to literally mean anything else I say in my life.
but wait. when we decide to not be ourselves we're still being ourselves cos we're doing stuff that we would do because we're doing it and we've convinced ourselves that this is what we should do. so in reality we are being ourselves sall the time we're just not being the original version of ourselves. nobody has to know we're not following the original blueprint. and i think these supposedly awesome people aren't being themselves, they're being these images they've created for themselves so they are who they want to be and they tell themselves that this is who they really are and that they're being themselves. so whatever . that issue had been bothering me for a while i just never had the guts to write it out cos it wouldn't have been so perfect.
my problem: i get these great ideas but how to transfer them!?! i can use this but i'm never around the computer when these ideas arise.
what to do. i would make toomuch noise if i used my tape recorder. and plus i hate how my voice actually sounds. all nasal and immature. ick. too much like my mum. so i've contemplated having just a notebook around all the time and a pen by my bed and wotsit but that doesn't work either cos seeing my ideas actually portrayed in ink just makes the whole debocle even more unbearable. i just sound so idiotic and juvenile and naive. that's enough for me.
aaaand i just wasted so much of your time. i'm really sorry.
i wish you the best i really do.
olivia (or that one girl who is definitely in something deep.)
see: (although i have a slight problem with the conclusion. it is andrew's. btw.)
You know what's the crappiest advice I've ever been given? Be yourself. I'm completely Bardelsian serious. I've been given that advice all my life and I used to give it to others. Before you go out and make a bitch out of your life trying to do it, let me tell you: it doesn't fucking work. Oh sure, for some people it does. There are some people who are born with what we call "natural coolness." Of course being yourself is for those people. Why wouldn't they want to be themselves?
I used to be all into "being myself" and not caring what other people thought of me. And you know what it got me? It got me no friends at all. I lived in a miserable little hellhole. I've come to learn that the people who go around saying "be yourself and don't worry what other people think of you" are people who have never HAD to worry what other people thought of them. Of course they'll give you that advice. It works for them. It doesn't work for everyone. Me, I'm now completely satisfied with being a poseur. I don't know what that means, but at least now I have friends.
Sometimes I wonder if it's a sad thing that I gave up on "being myself." I don't really know. Sometime's I do wonder what happened to my I-don't-care-what-anyone-else thinks-of-me attitude when I see myself conforming to everything that's hip, new, and trendy out there. And believe me, I suck it all in like a big Oreck vacuum cleaner. But then I realized that in order to have any friends or amigos at all, you have to suck up to every last one of them. It's really not as bad as it sounds.
Since I've discovered irony, I've learned that it doesn't matter what you "are" anymore. Because you can "pretend" to be anything and it's always just a "joke". Nothing is real anymore. It's the best hiding spot there is. I'll never have to literally mean anything else I say in my life.
but wait. when we decide to not be ourselves we're still being ourselves cos we're doing stuff that we would do because we're doing it and we've convinced ourselves that this is what we should do. so in reality we are being ourselves sall the time we're just not being the original version of ourselves. nobody has to know we're not following the original blueprint. and i think these supposedly awesome people aren't being themselves, they're being these images they've created for themselves so they are who they want to be and they tell themselves that this is who they really are and that they're being themselves. so whatever . that issue had been bothering me for a while i just never had the guts to write it out cos it wouldn't have been so perfect.
my problem: i get these great ideas but how to transfer them!?! i can use this but i'm never around the computer when these ideas arise.
what to do. i would make toomuch noise if i used my tape recorder. and plus i hate how my voice actually sounds. all nasal and immature. ick. too much like my mum. so i've contemplated having just a notebook around all the time and a pen by my bed and wotsit but that doesn't work either cos seeing my ideas actually portrayed in ink just makes the whole debocle even more unbearable. i just sound so idiotic and juvenile and naive. that's enough for me.
aaaand i just wasted so much of your time. i'm really sorry.
i wish you the best i really do.
olivia (or that one girl who is definitely in something deep.)