i dont think
that ive ever been more attracted to a friend of mine than i was tonight.
ill never understand why i like vulnerable girls so much. except maybe that it means they trust me.
aside from the random thought of 'hm, she looks pretty when shes being open and honest', a point came up.
people like to feel like someone wants them, and it is hard for people to let that feeling go.
i suppose its good that i dont feel like anybody really wants me because it means i have no real attachments.
when the person who you spent having a long fun open chat with does not really hug you back, i think its time to assume that something about you is wrong.
at least ive temporarily killed the part of me that cries at things like this.
but damn him, he willl be back.
ah, i forgot she can read this. but i wont take it back, now.
i think the one thing i hope for her as my friend is that she can live fully and believe in her path, wherever it takes her. i think a part of that is going to be freeing herself from the shackles of her self-imposed obligation. it makes me want to take her out to explore la a little, but ... well.. lets just say that im sure shed find excuses not to go. comfort zone is a horrible thing for freedom and discovery.
i dont know right now if what im doing is right. that is, i dont know if i believe in it... but to be honest, i dont believe in much right now. i feel like i could end at any time and it wouldnt matter. i know there is a plan, and i know i cant see it all, but i dont feel it, and im not understanding it.
its like the question about "God". "if he is so good, why does he allow so much bad?". i sort of ask, "if i am involved.. if i matter, why force upon me this suffering". i think today the answer is 'because i have to, because you need it'. its there, but its not very satisfactory. great, i need pain. i want to hear 'itll be over soon' not 'its necessary'.
i think the root of the recent impending thoughts might be the lack of comfort i can get out of myself after dealing with this feeling time after time after time.
once in the dorms i cried and i asked myself 'why not me'. now, i see, its better that way, but, even so, i have needs and i have desires.
im so childish to entertain the notion that i somehow deserve to be fulfilled.
disgusting.
'oh the world owes me a a livin' ::whistle::
im just tipsy rambling now. i need more alky, but i think more than that i need some sleep. 3 hours. yay. wee. fun.
i think really i just want some company who can pretend to care....
except that i think they call those prostitutes.
damn.
ill never understand why i like vulnerable girls so much. except maybe that it means they trust me.
aside from the random thought of 'hm, she looks pretty when shes being open and honest', a point came up.
people like to feel like someone wants them, and it is hard for people to let that feeling go.
i suppose its good that i dont feel like anybody really wants me because it means i have no real attachments.
when the person who you spent having a long fun open chat with does not really hug you back, i think its time to assume that something about you is wrong.
at least ive temporarily killed the part of me that cries at things like this.
but damn him, he willl be back.
ah, i forgot she can read this. but i wont take it back, now.
i think the one thing i hope for her as my friend is that she can live fully and believe in her path, wherever it takes her. i think a part of that is going to be freeing herself from the shackles of her self-imposed obligation. it makes me want to take her out to explore la a little, but ... well.. lets just say that im sure shed find excuses not to go. comfort zone is a horrible thing for freedom and discovery.
i dont know right now if what im doing is right. that is, i dont know if i believe in it... but to be honest, i dont believe in much right now. i feel like i could end at any time and it wouldnt matter. i know there is a plan, and i know i cant see it all, but i dont feel it, and im not understanding it.
its like the question about "God". "if he is so good, why does he allow so much bad?". i sort of ask, "if i am involved.. if i matter, why force upon me this suffering". i think today the answer is 'because i have to, because you need it'. its there, but its not very satisfactory. great, i need pain. i want to hear 'itll be over soon' not 'its necessary'.
i think the root of the recent impending thoughts might be the lack of comfort i can get out of myself after dealing with this feeling time after time after time.
once in the dorms i cried and i asked myself 'why not me'. now, i see, its better that way, but, even so, i have needs and i have desires.
im so childish to entertain the notion that i somehow deserve to be fulfilled.
disgusting.
'oh the world owes me a a livin' ::whistle::
im just tipsy rambling now. i need more alky, but i think more than that i need some sleep. 3 hours. yay. wee. fun.
i think really i just want some company who can pretend to care....
except that i think they call those prostitutes.
damn.