sometimes...
i think im a little too sensitive. i must be. i mean isnt that what its called when your friends think they are treating you normally (i think they think so, anyway) and you feel hurt or heartbroken? i mean sure it doesnt happen every day, but that it happens means im too sensitive, right?
today i got another round of someone ignoring me. now that im thinking about it im wondering if its because my advice sucks so much that it makes me ignoreable as punishment.
but, you know, all i want to do is give. i want to be friendly to my friend. perhaps her being female gets in the way of that.
sometimes, im really glad that music exists. driving home, i drove like i do when im feeling sad (a bit fast and slightly reckless). i just missed an accident by about a quarter mile on the freeway. as i quickly changed lanes from 2-4, i smelled burnt rubber and ran over something which looked suspiciously like a side-mirror. as i passed, i thought 'that could have been me' and giggled a little because, well, maybe it should have been. when i finally got here i sat in my car listening for a while. i think one of the things music does is it lets me feel things a little less severely. when i think something hurts a lot, i tend to keep most (all?) of it in. somehow the kind of music i like is like a valve for me and it lets me slowly and softly feel my emotions instead of just hiding them like i have to when i walk into my parents house.
i kind of miss the days when i could come home and scream because the apartment was empty and drink until i didnt care about things anymore. perhaps i should consider moving out sooner than i intended. life would be harder, but living might be a little easier.
im pretty sure that few people do it intentionally, but i get unnoticed a lot. i think maybe most of the time my presence is slight. im not sure if its that way because i unconsciously intend it or just because its linked to my being in some way. as examples, people always tell me that i just appeared out of nowhere or that they didnt see me come in/by/around. people also seem to be really good at ignoring me when i talk: especailly when i give suggestions or instructions.
somehow, im pretty sure, most of the universe considers me fairly insignificant. today that makes me feel sad... and a little bit alone.
today i got another round of someone ignoring me. now that im thinking about it im wondering if its because my advice sucks so much that it makes me ignoreable as punishment.
but, you know, all i want to do is give. i want to be friendly to my friend. perhaps her being female gets in the way of that.
sometimes, im really glad that music exists. driving home, i drove like i do when im feeling sad (a bit fast and slightly reckless). i just missed an accident by about a quarter mile on the freeway. as i quickly changed lanes from 2-4, i smelled burnt rubber and ran over something which looked suspiciously like a side-mirror. as i passed, i thought 'that could have been me' and giggled a little because, well, maybe it should have been. when i finally got here i sat in my car listening for a while. i think one of the things music does is it lets me feel things a little less severely. when i think something hurts a lot, i tend to keep most (all?) of it in. somehow the kind of music i like is like a valve for me and it lets me slowly and softly feel my emotions instead of just hiding them like i have to when i walk into my parents house.
i kind of miss the days when i could come home and scream because the apartment was empty and drink until i didnt care about things anymore. perhaps i should consider moving out sooner than i intended. life would be harder, but living might be a little easier.
im pretty sure that few people do it intentionally, but i get unnoticed a lot. i think maybe most of the time my presence is slight. im not sure if its that way because i unconsciously intend it or just because its linked to my being in some way. as examples, people always tell me that i just appeared out of nowhere or that they didnt see me come in/by/around. people also seem to be really good at ignoring me when i talk: especailly when i give suggestions or instructions.
somehow, im pretty sure, most of the universe considers me fairly insignificant. today that makes me feel sad... and a little bit alone.