The Breakup Letter.
Joe...
Wow. I don't know how to start this. You may be thinking I'm selfish, but the truth is, I'm simply afraid of breaking your heart. This is so hard for me; I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you.
Haha... what am I babbling on for? You don't even know what I'm talking about yet.
So I think I'll cut the suspense and come straight to the point...
I would like to break up with you.
Joe- Joe- please don't be hurt. It's nothing at all that you did; you've been perfect. But it's just our differences that I'm wary of. You may not see them, but I do. Well... that's a lie. I don't see them. I feel them. It's difficult to explain, but I just don't think you and I are as compatible as I was hoping.
Relationships are an important thing for me, and honestly... These last few months I've been feeling like such a liar, such a hypocrite... telling Diego and Pippa to end their matters- the sooner gotten over with the better- but at the same time I've been hiding what I was really thinking from you... dragging this message on for ages for fear that I would break your heart. I guess I was assuming this would be easier to do was time moved along, but in truth, it really did just get harder and harder.. as it would have in the future. The more you tell me you love me the worse it makes me feel- and it can't be like that. I can't lie to you like that... not with words, but with my heart.
Hearing you so passionate about me, hearing you so positive that we'll be spending the rest of our lives together really did hurt me because I knew it wasn't true. The more I made you happy the more I made myself miserable, knowing that the fantasies I was feeding you would only satisfy you for a little while... then suddenly, I knew they would have to be purged up, leaving you empty. As grotesque as that sounds, purging is all the more difficult and painful the more that you've eaten.
Please believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you.
Please believe me when I say I know you'll find someone better than me.
Please believe me when I say I don't want to lose touch with you.
... I know you believe me when I say thank you.
You've done countless things for me. I don't know how to repay a single one of them...
Frankly, simply, I just want someone who I can really connect with. Back in April, I was quick to jump into a relationship without thinking about it. Now I don't think I'll be dating anyone for a VERY long time... at least not until I finish med school. Back in April, I wanted an adventure. Guess what? I got one. Now all I want is a clear goal of where I'm going with myself- and I need to do that alone.
You're an AMAZING person, Joe. It's simple US that didn't connect. I need someone that is not only sweet, but someone who would write deep poetry with me... discuss politics and economics... tell me the mysteries of the world... someone who will not only teach me things, but also teach me to think. But all of this- later. Much later.
Having a relationship right now is wishful thinking...
First of all, my parents. Hiding love is more stressful than it's worth. If I love someone, I don't want to go on secret dates behind my parents' backs.
Second, I need to focus on education. With all AP/Honors classes, I can't balance school and love. I'm not that strong.
But most of all, I'm just not ready for anything meaningful.
Joe. I want to keep you as a close friend so so much, and I don't want to go down as another bad relationship in your memory. I've got no regrets since February 28th, and hope you don't either. Please let's just end this peacefully. I'll always care about you and be here for you. Don't lose hope; you'll find her in as long as it takes.
Take care,
Juliya