now what?

[idiot_v]

I dunno. I don't want to get depressed. And if I do, it's worse on her because she picks up on these things (if I get sad, she feels even more sad, etc.). I suppose I could try going back to being Uncomfortably Numb..... a time when I could feel nothing, neither pleasure nor pain... but that's not living. And I dunno how that'd affect her either. But I recognize that look. I see it in her eyes. Her excited squeal. She was never that excited for me to come home from work or school. Maybe I'm over analyzing it but having been "friends" of women that I cared about, and then having them fall for someone else.... I've seen it too many times. And now I see it again. I don't want to be this loser. I might not have won her heart, but I don't want to fall back into this trap. And so, here I stand unsure of what to do. It's hard to focus. I've got a couple of games here that I really want to get into because when I'm into a game, the rest of the sucky ass world tends to fade away so that I forget the fact that I'm such a loser.

I also can't do my programming homework. I used to love programming and now my mind goes blank or just shuts down. I feel that I'm trying too hard to understand something that should be so simple. I've heard of burnout but I don't know if this is what that is.

maybe I'm just lost again, I don't know.