"This only follows one pattern: Boys are Stupid."
This will be a ridiculous post, simply because it is a ridiculous topic. I'm worrying over something that hasn't even happened yet, which is so unnecessary, but as I am nearly always motivated by the unnecessary, I'll just get my ranting over with.
There may be something going on between a guy I go to school with and me. The thing is, I've been fighting against such a thing occuring for this entire school year and, if I finally admit it to myself, before. He's a junior this year (I'm a senior) and we play flute together (I'm 1st chair and he's 2nd, so we sit next to each other during class), so I've spent quite a bit of time with him the past few years.
Ever since he's been at the high school, I've had occurences to imagine that possibly had feelings for me. Last year, it seemed like some ridiculous innocent crush; he followed me around during band camp, took care of lunch trays, generally hovered over conversations I was having with friends, etc. Slightly annoying, but possibly endearing. He genuinely looked about three years younger than he actually was and he was always incredibly awkward and quite shy, so I thought nothing of him. My friends and I giggled a bit about it and were slightly mocking, but I never broached the subject with the boy himself. I figured he'd get over whatever little worship trip he was on and we'd be done with it.
Well, this year, he's definitely come into his own. He's more outgoing, though still reserved, and he has a wicked sense of humor. Physically, he's grown into his frame and his age and finally looks like a high school student... I find him to be attractive, but in that "he's quite cute" sort of way. I've refered to him as adorable on occasion. He and I spent a lot of time together duing the summer, due to band camp and having sectionals at his house, but our time spent was never out of the context of band. He seemed still attached to me, somehow, but I figured it was then more of an issue of me being the only person around that happened to be on the same level both educationally and intellectually. As the school year progressed, we got to know each other a lot better and we joke around all the time. He and I both have this tendency to say ridiculous things and mumble all the time, so we're constantly teasing each other. He tends to present me with this unprovoked, goofy smiles that make me grin in return. He also is incredibly intelligent; we talk of politics and history and he can present an incredibly valid, supported argument in our discussions. He's tried teaching me the merits of math, while I've tried explaining the merits of language, but we continue to disagree on these points. Nonetheless, I love spending time with him.
Despite that, I've been feeling incredibly awkward these past few weeks. He's started doing his hovering routine again, following me around more than strictly necessary (which, to be honest, creeps me out) and every so often, he stops in the middle of a conversation and just takes off. Meanwhile, these past few weeks have found me trying to deny the growing interest I have in him, which I know has caused me to act a little strangely, as well.
I have many reasons for trying to argue myself out of this situation. First and foremost, we are nothing alike. He is totally against crude humor of any kind, and I (as he so eloquently put it) "talk about boobs 20% of the time, sex 55%, and hating band 10%, while 10% is spent sleeping and the last 5% is purely spent swearing." While entirely exaggerated, he makes a valid point: I am oftentimes crass and crude and make references to sex possibly more often than he thinks about it. He values religion highly, while I'm... "not friends" with organized religion. His education means everything to him, while mine is only valuable as long as it suits my longterm goals. He's dedicated to his responsibilities, while I often shun mine. He has goals and plans for his life, and I'm taking mine as I feel. Nearly everything we talk about is a disagreement on some point or another and the only thing we seem to agree upon is that we both enjoy playing the flute, but even that brings about some contention.
As proof of this point, take the following event: He invited me to watch a movie with his youth group at his church. I avoid church (and youth groups particularly) like the plague, as I am forever uncomfortable and awkward within them. Add upon this already-established the discomfort of being with a group of people I don't know. When I'm around those I don't know, I clam up and stare off into space. I'm terrible with communication amongst strangers and I manage to make those situations more awkward than they ever need to be. Thirdly, add again a discomfort with being asked by Micah to do something with him while being totally unsure of both his intentions and my feelings. Needless to say, the night was more awkward than some first times with sex and I don't intend to repeat it, at least in that setting. It may have gone much better had it not been situated with his youth group, but that, above all else, shows his ignorance of my personality. I didn't think I was going to have much fun, and I kind of didn't, but I did enjoy spending time with him outside of school.
However, this "date," as my friends are so insistent to call it, only served to confuse me more. He was relatively aloof, lacking all the secret smiles and shared jokes that we usually have. He was incredibly eager to introduce me to everyone, and yet, he broke off any conversation we may have had with his friends. He fought tooth and nail to get me there (I had employed a number of excuses to try and get out of the event, but he was so insistent on getting me to come that I finally caved) and then barely said goodbye to me as I left.
Upon later discussion, my friends simply attributed this to nervousness and confusion as to how he should proceed, but the situaion was so far removed from anything I had ever experienced before that I have yet to pass my own personal judgement upon the situation. Luckily, I'm on Christmas break from school, so I won't technically have to see him for another two weeks, but I do hope that I will. I'm just not sure how to proceed.
I must get ready for a party, but for the sake of my sanity, I will continue with this at a more appropriate time.