(no subject)
so it's one of those nights again.
i sent karl a long message telling him about my situation about this summer and he responded with, 'call me and we can talk about what you're thinking.' like i wanted to talk to him in person about this whole thing because i felt that that was the only just way of doing it but i kind of got relieved when i couldn't make it to the walk-a-thon and just had to email him instead. i know karl is going to ask me why...and i'll say...'karl it's just when i'm with staff people i feel so out of place' and then he'll say 'what about when you're with your kids' and i'll say 'when i'm with my kids i'm happier than i could ever be' and he'll say 'then why?' and i won't know what to say.
life is made up of a bunch of choices and alot of them are big decisions. i'm starting to get to that point in my life where every decision i make is a big one. choosing to be a film major when in a few years film may not be around. choosing to take over masters next year. choosing to study abroad in my junior year. choosing to have a new roommate next year. choosing to do something that i never thought i'd give in to because of what happened at the CIT reunion. and the biggest choice...choosing to work at pcc if i get in. i am not changing my mind now but i'm defenitly not 100% i'm making the right choice....i love being a counselor; going puddle stomping with my girls, dressing them up for dances, singing and dancing with them, becoming their best friend and mother at the same time for a week, teaching them HSM, building sand castles with them and just being happier than i ever have been before. i'm giving up all that. i know i'm one of the few people at camp that goes to camp because of the kids...not to hang out with friends and hook up with as many people on camp as you can or get wasted then go back to being a counselor still tipsy. i'm there for them. the thing that makes it so hard for me to leave is the fact that i have never truly been myself until i started being a counselor...and i am only myself when i am with my girls because i truly am a 10 yr old at heart. just thinking that my amazing 10 yr olds are going to be replaced with 14 yr olds that need an attitude adjustment is very upsetting. oh well...this is just another decision that changes the direction my life is going in...
i sent karl a long message telling him about my situation about this summer and he responded with, 'call me and we can talk about what you're thinking.' like i wanted to talk to him in person about this whole thing because i felt that that was the only just way of doing it but i kind of got relieved when i couldn't make it to the walk-a-thon and just had to email him instead. i know karl is going to ask me why...and i'll say...'karl it's just when i'm with staff people i feel so out of place' and then he'll say 'what about when you're with your kids' and i'll say 'when i'm with my kids i'm happier than i could ever be' and he'll say 'then why?' and i won't know what to say.
life is made up of a bunch of choices and alot of them are big decisions. i'm starting to get to that point in my life where every decision i make is a big one. choosing to be a film major when in a few years film may not be around. choosing to take over masters next year. choosing to study abroad in my junior year. choosing to have a new roommate next year. choosing to do something that i never thought i'd give in to because of what happened at the CIT reunion. and the biggest choice...choosing to work at pcc if i get in. i am not changing my mind now but i'm defenitly not 100% i'm making the right choice....i love being a counselor; going puddle stomping with my girls, dressing them up for dances, singing and dancing with them, becoming their best friend and mother at the same time for a week, teaching them HSM, building sand castles with them and just being happier than i ever have been before. i'm giving up all that. i know i'm one of the few people at camp that goes to camp because of the kids...not to hang out with friends and hook up with as many people on camp as you can or get wasted then go back to being a counselor still tipsy. i'm there for them. the thing that makes it so hard for me to leave is the fact that i have never truly been myself until i started being a counselor...and i am only myself when i am with my girls because i truly am a 10 yr old at heart. just thinking that my amazing 10 yr olds are going to be replaced with 14 yr olds that need an attitude adjustment is very upsetting. oh well...this is just another decision that changes the direction my life is going in...