existential anxiety?
I am a bit afraid of my future. I don't feel like I have really produced anything in my life so far. I have had a good influence on people no doubt but I have not built anything. I graduate in May and don't know what I am doing. I talked with the person I went hitchhiking/trainhopping with over last summer (my friend from denmark) and he said he would be down to do it with me again over this summer coming up, this time through Europe. Then I might have a year-long internship in Denmark starting in Augus after thatt.
The internship sounds great but at the same time I'm scared of it. Usually I end up making a lot of friends where ever I go, but at the same time I always feel really anxious and quiet until I go through a real lot with them. I love meeting people but my friend-making process is an anxious one. I have a good number of friends in Denmark already but the language barrier worries me. I really feel like people think I act weird sometimes and the language barrier could really further that. (At the same time though, my friends said they thought I was the least self-conscious of the group because I'm a hippie to them. So maybe my shyness doesnt even reflect as much as I think, I don't know...whatever the case I feeeeel weird sometimes whether or not I even look it.)
So maybe I will just hitchhike through Europe for a longer period of time? I guess I'll talk to my friend about it when I hear in April if I get the internship.
In combination with this stuff, I have the same old thinking problems as usual. Sometimes falling easily over into the "Or" side of Kierkegaard's "Either/Or," which means recognizing life is meaningless but not seeing the sense in getting above it. nihilism without existentialism.
For example, if someone doesn't act in the moment as well as others, this person will not be loved as much. Why do I have to try so hard to be loved? Why do you have to act such a particular way to receive something? Why can't people better appreciate just the idea of someone trying to express themselves? Instead they will really seriously shun them if they act it out in a way that is not completely in the moment. For example, one time a girl and I both wanted to make out with one another, but just because I asked instead of just doing it, it didn't happen. I have not had very bad experiences with this compared to other people... I know plenty of smart people who have really come down hard on others who they have no right to...simply because the others aren't perfectly socially keen.
Actually I think I understand this pretty well. It is just an instinct to keep creeps away and to have an in the moment experience. And I have even gotten caught up in it of course. But it is bullshit, human ways are often bullshit, and why should I be a part of these things that are bullshit, is what the "Or" side says.
But somehow it can get pretty deep and awful in a way that I can't think of not that it's not happening. The past 2 days in a row I sat down in the shower. I do this whenever I don't feel good mentally. I was really frustrated, I would even say mindsick, about not feeling connected, emotionally and physically. I have never shared this one deep part of myself with anyone, a side that needs to be out there for me to connect, and I also need to get laid (though I feel conflicted about this too...sometimes I really like the idea of at least mildly liking the girl and not just going for whoever, maybe even out of desperation, but maybe I just think too much also and can take that when it comes.) Porn is a bad solution to sexual frustration sometimes because sometimes it can even further disconnect me in the end.
Also added to the mix is my inability to do work. Sometimes I really fall down and don't feel like getting anything together. I really lack focus sometimes. And when I'm really down I might even have great creativity through my intense emotions, but then I really am not feeling like writing anything for the same reason.
Well there are two ways to look at life, the Either and the Or, and sometimes I can really feel and see deep and clearly that "Or." I can see the "Either" well too sometimes but there is much I haven't experienced yet to get to see this fully. I really love Kierkegaard.
The internship sounds great but at the same time I'm scared of it. Usually I end up making a lot of friends where ever I go, but at the same time I always feel really anxious and quiet until I go through a real lot with them. I love meeting people but my friend-making process is an anxious one. I have a good number of friends in Denmark already but the language barrier worries me. I really feel like people think I act weird sometimes and the language barrier could really further that. (At the same time though, my friends said they thought I was the least self-conscious of the group because I'm a hippie to them. So maybe my shyness doesnt even reflect as much as I think, I don't know...whatever the case I feeeeel weird sometimes whether or not I even look it.)
So maybe I will just hitchhike through Europe for a longer period of time? I guess I'll talk to my friend about it when I hear in April if I get the internship.
In combination with this stuff, I have the same old thinking problems as usual. Sometimes falling easily over into the "Or" side of Kierkegaard's "Either/Or," which means recognizing life is meaningless but not seeing the sense in getting above it. nihilism without existentialism.
For example, if someone doesn't act in the moment as well as others, this person will not be loved as much. Why do I have to try so hard to be loved? Why do you have to act such a particular way to receive something? Why can't people better appreciate just the idea of someone trying to express themselves? Instead they will really seriously shun them if they act it out in a way that is not completely in the moment. For example, one time a girl and I both wanted to make out with one another, but just because I asked instead of just doing it, it didn't happen. I have not had very bad experiences with this compared to other people... I know plenty of smart people who have really come down hard on others who they have no right to...simply because the others aren't perfectly socially keen.
Actually I think I understand this pretty well. It is just an instinct to keep creeps away and to have an in the moment experience. And I have even gotten caught up in it of course. But it is bullshit, human ways are often bullshit, and why should I be a part of these things that are bullshit, is what the "Or" side says.
But somehow it can get pretty deep and awful in a way that I can't think of not that it's not happening. The past 2 days in a row I sat down in the shower. I do this whenever I don't feel good mentally. I was really frustrated, I would even say mindsick, about not feeling connected, emotionally and physically. I have never shared this one deep part of myself with anyone, a side that needs to be out there for me to connect, and I also need to get laid (though I feel conflicted about this too...sometimes I really like the idea of at least mildly liking the girl and not just going for whoever, maybe even out of desperation, but maybe I just think too much also and can take that when it comes.) Porn is a bad solution to sexual frustration sometimes because sometimes it can even further disconnect me in the end.
Also added to the mix is my inability to do work. Sometimes I really fall down and don't feel like getting anything together. I really lack focus sometimes. And when I'm really down I might even have great creativity through my intense emotions, but then I really am not feeling like writing anything for the same reason.
Well there are two ways to look at life, the Either and the Or, and sometimes I can really feel and see deep and clearly that "Or." I can see the "Either" well too sometimes but there is much I haven't experienced yet to get to see this fully. I really love Kierkegaard.