my so called life part two
i have a complete mental block, am currently trying to write a philosophy essay on something that i have absolutely no comprehension of...things not going too well so far. ack, my lecturer reminds me of a former english tutor that i had during college...incredibly intelligent but with great enthusiam for his subject, however he leaves me feeling rather intimidated, the guy has a degree from oxford doing ppe....knowledge is power but right now, i don't think i have ever felt so mediocre in my life. everyone here is so fiercly smart and i feel like the pretender, faking it at every stage, hoping that she won't get noticed.
i'll be so glad when this sememster is over, unfortunately i won't be going home but at least i won't be in university.
sooooo, i think that i have been here the grand total of nine weeks thereabout.....and one thing is blatantly apparent...i am going to end up as a lonely, unemployed old woman, terrified of life moaning of missed opportunities.
ugh, why am i such a social and academic freak?
i don't have any friends.
i don't have a life full stop.
i spend every day, all day studying but to no avail.
i am already failing the course and this is despite spending all day, everyday studying. each day i sink further and further, and i don't know what to do about it, even though i know that i am the only person who can affect my life.
my flatmates seem nice enough but i am getting increasingly frustrated with being their embodiment of all that is wrong with western culture but they don't consider me to british but i'm not indian so what the hell am i?
nottingham is a pretty place, full of leaves and old buildings but it feels empty, and i feel displaced.
i don't feel like a student...i've yet to sample the refinements of the student bar of the nigthclubs which i guess makes me antisocial.
i miss my friends...not simply because i currently have none, but people always say that you meet your friends for life in university, but in college i felt like i had already found them. i know it's only the first semester and of course i didn't expect to my find my life long best friend immediately, but having someone to say "hi" to would be nice.
ah well, to sum things up, life here has been pretty miserable. i live in kinda out of the way of campus and it's a grand pain in the backside to travel to university, especially at weekends, and i end up further isolationg myself.
funnily enough, the university itself, well the grand older builidings are stunning however they chose to house the students in the apparent area with the worst crime rate, happily next to a building site and behind us there is a gas works site....yes, i am moaning, but what is a journal for, if not to record your thoughts?
i am sick of studying, but no matter how much quality work i do, nothing seems to be sticking. i am positive that i have picked the wrong course, one i don't enjoy it and two, i should have realised that i got my a-level results for a reason. argh, i was so tempted to drop out and start out all over again, however not only would i let myself and my parents down....as one lecturer thoughtfully decided to email us...."you owe it to yourselves, to the tax payer, to the many people who competed for your positions at the University of Nottingham, to take your degrees seriously and not to utterly waste your a golden opportunity".......no pressure or guilt placed there then?!
however, though i am grateful for my opportunities, i feel like i am spitting in its face, i7m obliged to make things work for insisting to yself and everyone around me that this was the right place to be, and if things are going wrong, i have to make it work, but i think this time, i should have trusted my instincts.
a lot of people don't believe in fate, however i do, at times against my better judgement, well i have a childlike grasp of things at times. somehow i keep thinking that if i wish for things to be well, they ultimately shall be, if i don' think about it, then surely things will be alright, i have a flawed sense of logic, that i know not to be logic, and i right now i wish i could sleep but i can't because i have drunk too much coffee plus combined with pro-plus which certainly isn't the smartest of things to do, so now i am just writing to fill the time because i can't think laterally. i don't even know what my essay question is.
i am going to fail this year and i am absolutely terrified that i have already fucked up my life at the age of 18......and it's not because i am not trying, i am afraid to live. can you believe that i scorn at the opportunity to go to india, most people would jump at the chance, i however am horrified by the prospect, always managing to see the negative, but my family makes me feel uncomfortable but if i tell my father that, then we always end up in this complicated circular argument where i have an identity crisis and an insecurity complex. maybe that is what i have, but what can i do about it? then again, does anyone truly know who they are? so is there any point in even bothering to attempt to solve what's going on.
to be honest i don't think i care. but then that is being hypocritical because i have the pst paragraph rambling about it.
where are my priorities??????
ah well, i currently happen to have hair like a boy, very short, and it's choppy but because i have thick, thick hair, it looks like i have been electrocuted. not an attractive appearance. strangest thing however is that i have been losing vast amounts of this thick hair. the hairdresser noted that it's unlikely that i will go bald, however i'm not too sure so i shall be seeing the doctor methinks.
i'm hoping that i have lost some weight but that's unlikely. i've been attempting healthy eating though and starvation seems to have made me a wee bit thinner (hold on, that doesn't make sense, when has starvation ever been the healthy option, it shouldn't even be an option, i shall re-phrase, due to temporary lack of money and stupidly being afraid of leaving the flat, i haven't ventured into the city for weeks so i haven't bought any food. irrational.
hmph, i thought i had seen skinny before but i've never actually seen someone who is pre dispostioned to have a body that is stick thin just as nature intended. how can people like that exist? i'd kill to have a body like that. at the moment i really hate the fact that i have breasts, they get in the goddamn way of everything and instead of making me feel more feminine, instead, i feel like i have two balls of fat attached to my chest that just drag the rest of my body down, but how do you naturally reduce their size? answers on a postcard please. i think i have cared to share too much.
right, well now it is 2.36 am and i'm scared that i still can't remember my essay title, so i suppose that it is only right that i get back to work.
i think i have done enough rambling to last a few months at least.
i'll be so glad when this sememster is over, unfortunately i won't be going home but at least i won't be in university.
sooooo, i think that i have been here the grand total of nine weeks thereabout.....and one thing is blatantly apparent...i am going to end up as a lonely, unemployed old woman, terrified of life moaning of missed opportunities.
ugh, why am i such a social and academic freak?
i don't have any friends.
i don't have a life full stop.
i spend every day, all day studying but to no avail.
i am already failing the course and this is despite spending all day, everyday studying. each day i sink further and further, and i don't know what to do about it, even though i know that i am the only person who can affect my life.
my flatmates seem nice enough but i am getting increasingly frustrated with being their embodiment of all that is wrong with western culture but they don't consider me to british but i'm not indian so what the hell am i?
nottingham is a pretty place, full of leaves and old buildings but it feels empty, and i feel displaced.
i don't feel like a student...i've yet to sample the refinements of the student bar of the nigthclubs which i guess makes me antisocial.
i miss my friends...not simply because i currently have none, but people always say that you meet your friends for life in university, but in college i felt like i had already found them. i know it's only the first semester and of course i didn't expect to my find my life long best friend immediately, but having someone to say "hi" to would be nice.
ah well, to sum things up, life here has been pretty miserable. i live in kinda out of the way of campus and it's a grand pain in the backside to travel to university, especially at weekends, and i end up further isolationg myself.
funnily enough, the university itself, well the grand older builidings are stunning however they chose to house the students in the apparent area with the worst crime rate, happily next to a building site and behind us there is a gas works site....yes, i am moaning, but what is a journal for, if not to record your thoughts?
i am sick of studying, but no matter how much quality work i do, nothing seems to be sticking. i am positive that i have picked the wrong course, one i don't enjoy it and two, i should have realised that i got my a-level results for a reason. argh, i was so tempted to drop out and start out all over again, however not only would i let myself and my parents down....as one lecturer thoughtfully decided to email us...."you owe it to yourselves, to the tax payer, to the many people who competed for your positions at the University of Nottingham, to take your degrees seriously and not to utterly waste your a golden opportunity".......no pressure or guilt placed there then?!
however, though i am grateful for my opportunities, i feel like i am spitting in its face, i7m obliged to make things work for insisting to yself and everyone around me that this was the right place to be, and if things are going wrong, i have to make it work, but i think this time, i should have trusted my instincts.
a lot of people don't believe in fate, however i do, at times against my better judgement, well i have a childlike grasp of things at times. somehow i keep thinking that if i wish for things to be well, they ultimately shall be, if i don' think about it, then surely things will be alright, i have a flawed sense of logic, that i know not to be logic, and i right now i wish i could sleep but i can't because i have drunk too much coffee plus combined with pro-plus which certainly isn't the smartest of things to do, so now i am just writing to fill the time because i can't think laterally. i don't even know what my essay question is.
i am going to fail this year and i am absolutely terrified that i have already fucked up my life at the age of 18......and it's not because i am not trying, i am afraid to live. can you believe that i scorn at the opportunity to go to india, most people would jump at the chance, i however am horrified by the prospect, always managing to see the negative, but my family makes me feel uncomfortable but if i tell my father that, then we always end up in this complicated circular argument where i have an identity crisis and an insecurity complex. maybe that is what i have, but what can i do about it? then again, does anyone truly know who they are? so is there any point in even bothering to attempt to solve what's going on.
to be honest i don't think i care. but then that is being hypocritical because i have the pst paragraph rambling about it.
where are my priorities??????
ah well, i currently happen to have hair like a boy, very short, and it's choppy but because i have thick, thick hair, it looks like i have been electrocuted. not an attractive appearance. strangest thing however is that i have been losing vast amounts of this thick hair. the hairdresser noted that it's unlikely that i will go bald, however i'm not too sure so i shall be seeing the doctor methinks.
i'm hoping that i have lost some weight but that's unlikely. i've been attempting healthy eating though and starvation seems to have made me a wee bit thinner (hold on, that doesn't make sense, when has starvation ever been the healthy option, it shouldn't even be an option, i shall re-phrase, due to temporary lack of money and stupidly being afraid of leaving the flat, i haven't ventured into the city for weeks so i haven't bought any food. irrational.
hmph, i thought i had seen skinny before but i've never actually seen someone who is pre dispostioned to have a body that is stick thin just as nature intended. how can people like that exist? i'd kill to have a body like that. at the moment i really hate the fact that i have breasts, they get in the goddamn way of everything and instead of making me feel more feminine, instead, i feel like i have two balls of fat attached to my chest that just drag the rest of my body down, but how do you naturally reduce their size? answers on a postcard please. i think i have cared to share too much.
right, well now it is 2.36 am and i'm scared that i still can't remember my essay title, so i suppose that it is only right that i get back to work.
i think i have done enough rambling to last a few months at least.