The summer of Carisa.
It would be silly of me not to chronicle the way that I have been feeling.
This should serve as a bookmark for the beginning of the rest of my life.
I have recently realized that I had to hit the bottom and crash and burn before I could climb back up to the top... which is exactly what this summer has done to and for me.
I've gone from being a fat, anxiety-ridden, suicidal freak to the less-fat, happy sunshine I am today.
In May I found myself at the end of a difficult chapter in my life. I was in a job that was sucking the life out of me and gave me nothing but minor things to dwell on. I was crying at home, crying at work, fussing over little things and letting big things pass me by. At night I found myself in insane fits of inner rage which were interrupted by irrational and very intense fear. I wasn't sleeping well and my dreams were violent. Formerly fearing death, I was now welcoming it's quiet calm in a way that shook me to my core. I needed help but didn't know where to go or what to do. I decided in the first week of June that I needed to put my job in jeopardy in order to force myself to get help. I called in a "pending benefits" status that had not yet been approved by or even discussed with a doctor. And I went about my journey to clean mental health. I saw a therapist that seemed too fixated on "daddy issues" and was curious about my life with almost alarming interest. He wanted things like rape and my physical relationship with Mike to be described in great detail... while washing over the matters at hand. While I don't dismiss those issues, I knew there was another time and place for that. The anxiety was my first concern. I was told by many to "read this book" or "try breathing exercises". One day I realized as I looked in the mirror that although I was looking horrible by my own standards, I was still doing my hair and makeup and dressing myself nicely. This was creating the everything's okay facade that I had perfected over the years. After seeing my 3rd doctor and having my millionth phone review, I decided to talk to my primary doctor.
Because she's such a strong no-nonsense woman, I had avoided going to see her in the first place. I was wrong to make that judgment call. I showed up looking haggard, without fussing over my appearance and really just rolling out of bed and putting clothes on. I found myself sobbing with relief when she chose to help me. I spoke also with a social worker right there in the hospital that seemed to genuinely care and listen. She also spoke with Mike, and we were both able to discuss my position. Unfortunately because I was considered a potential danger to myself, I was checked into what was nothing more than the psychiatric department of the hospital. There my purse was taken and inventoried, and I stayed for over 9 hours in that hall. I was glad to speak with a specialist by the end of the day and walk away with a recommendation for a review at a local mental health clinic. My experience there was so beautiful, it was as if it were led by angels. The staff that I worked with started me on medications right away and also appointed me the greatest therapist I could have ever asked for.
I remained out of work for the month of June, and in July I decided to never go back. I had discovered in that amount of time away that the job truly was toxic and I was the only one that could tell me to walk out the door. Being away from that job now brings me true joy. I am so much more appreciative of my current position because I've experienced it. But I'm also glad I recognized when it was time to go.
I can't resent the job that much, because it is how I found Jenna.
I speak truly from the heart when I say that a greater love in my lifetime may never be had.
She has changed my perspective on so many things, she has given me joy that I had been lacking before and she has made me feel more alive. I want to protect and care for her in a way I've never felt about anyone else, and I am so thankful for her friendship and love in my everyday life. Growing closer to her made the darkness I was fighting through seem less severe.
Another recent change I have made is one I am incredibly pleased with. I have not yet declared myself as such, but I've essentially become vegan. I read an eye-opening book (out of curiosity, not with intentions to follow it) and I have since been amazed at how positively it has changed my life. Though I could be shunned by individuals who do decide to live without animal products for continuing to own leather and such, this is not my one-woman crusade to stop factory farming. It's more of a stop-the-garbage-in-garbage-out process. I am eating vegan for a very selfish reason, and that is to improve myself through my diet. Weight Watchers was fine and well, but it didn't impact me a fraction of the amount that a vegan diet has. I have no desire to eat meats, cheeses or even ICE CREAM... and I think it was because I just let it happen. I didn't force myself. I have come to a place in my life where I have the mental and need to work on the physical. And I am ready for it. I feel so good and so proud of myself. I am trying to saturate my life in positivity and I am getting the results I want.
The summer of 2007 will officially radiate in my history book as being the summer of me.
This should serve as a bookmark for the beginning of the rest of my life.
I have recently realized that I had to hit the bottom and crash and burn before I could climb back up to the top... which is exactly what this summer has done to and for me.
I've gone from being a fat, anxiety-ridden, suicidal freak to the less-fat, happy sunshine I am today.
In May I found myself at the end of a difficult chapter in my life. I was in a job that was sucking the life out of me and gave me nothing but minor things to dwell on. I was crying at home, crying at work, fussing over little things and letting big things pass me by. At night I found myself in insane fits of inner rage which were interrupted by irrational and very intense fear. I wasn't sleeping well and my dreams were violent. Formerly fearing death, I was now welcoming it's quiet calm in a way that shook me to my core. I needed help but didn't know where to go or what to do. I decided in the first week of June that I needed to put my job in jeopardy in order to force myself to get help. I called in a "pending benefits" status that had not yet been approved by or even discussed with a doctor. And I went about my journey to clean mental health. I saw a therapist that seemed too fixated on "daddy issues" and was curious about my life with almost alarming interest. He wanted things like rape and my physical relationship with Mike to be described in great detail... while washing over the matters at hand. While I don't dismiss those issues, I knew there was another time and place for that. The anxiety was my first concern. I was told by many to "read this book" or "try breathing exercises". One day I realized as I looked in the mirror that although I was looking horrible by my own standards, I was still doing my hair and makeup and dressing myself nicely. This was creating the everything's okay facade that I had perfected over the years. After seeing my 3rd doctor and having my millionth phone review, I decided to talk to my primary doctor.
Because she's such a strong no-nonsense woman, I had avoided going to see her in the first place. I was wrong to make that judgment call. I showed up looking haggard, without fussing over my appearance and really just rolling out of bed and putting clothes on. I found myself sobbing with relief when she chose to help me. I spoke also with a social worker right there in the hospital that seemed to genuinely care and listen. She also spoke with Mike, and we were both able to discuss my position. Unfortunately because I was considered a potential danger to myself, I was checked into what was nothing more than the psychiatric department of the hospital. There my purse was taken and inventoried, and I stayed for over 9 hours in that hall. I was glad to speak with a specialist by the end of the day and walk away with a recommendation for a review at a local mental health clinic. My experience there was so beautiful, it was as if it were led by angels. The staff that I worked with started me on medications right away and also appointed me the greatest therapist I could have ever asked for.
I remained out of work for the month of June, and in July I decided to never go back. I had discovered in that amount of time away that the job truly was toxic and I was the only one that could tell me to walk out the door. Being away from that job now brings me true joy. I am so much more appreciative of my current position because I've experienced it. But I'm also glad I recognized when it was time to go.
I can't resent the job that much, because it is how I found Jenna.
I speak truly from the heart when I say that a greater love in my lifetime may never be had.
She has changed my perspective on so many things, she has given me joy that I had been lacking before and she has made me feel more alive. I want to protect and care for her in a way I've never felt about anyone else, and I am so thankful for her friendship and love in my everyday life. Growing closer to her made the darkness I was fighting through seem less severe.
Another recent change I have made is one I am incredibly pleased with. I have not yet declared myself as such, but I've essentially become vegan. I read an eye-opening book (out of curiosity, not with intentions to follow it) and I have since been amazed at how positively it has changed my life. Though I could be shunned by individuals who do decide to live without animal products for continuing to own leather and such, this is not my one-woman crusade to stop factory farming. It's more of a stop-the-garbage-in-garbage-out process. I am eating vegan for a very selfish reason, and that is to improve myself through my diet. Weight Watchers was fine and well, but it didn't impact me a fraction of the amount that a vegan diet has. I have no desire to eat meats, cheeses or even ICE CREAM... and I think it was because I just let it happen. I didn't force myself. I have come to a place in my life where I have the mental and need to work on the physical. And I am ready for it. I feel so good and so proud of myself. I am trying to saturate my life in positivity and I am getting the results I want.
The summer of 2007 will officially radiate in my history book as being the summer of me.