L'inizio di Una Vita | IX.
IX. Did you ever love me?
November 1943, Korea
Yoona stared at the dials of her wrist watch, her eyes steadily following the seconds tick by. It was fifteen minutes after seven in the evening and she was alone. Dinner was already set on the table, slowly turning cold as she waited at one end.
Changmin should have been home an hour ago. And it wasn’t like him to be late for anything… and especially not for every night in the past week.
“Where are you, Changmin?” Yoona wondered aloud, biting her lip as she stood up for the nth time in the past half hour. Chewing on the soft skin of her lower lip, she moved towards the window overlooking the driveway-noting with a heavy heart the absence of Changmin’s convertible.
Her husband had been acting oddly for weeks now but had not started becoming late for dinner until the week before, only citing problems at the family factory as his reason for delay. It wouldn’t have bothered her normally, knowing how seriously Changmin took to handling the affairs of the business but once gossip mongers caught wind of his constant tardiness, Yoona began to hear the whispers around town.
The rumors were fierce, all aimed to inflict as much pain as possible. It had hit her out of nowhere when she first heard of it and in her own home, no less. She had been out for a short walk around the gardens with Minah when she caught wind of the whispered discussions between two maids picking flowers for arrangements in the house. The younger of the two spoke in a scandalized tone, waving her hands about. “Did you hear about the young master meeting a woman secretly in the outskirts of town? I heard he hadn’t been to the factory as much as he said he was. Do you think something is amiss?” She said worriedly, gripping a bundle of wildflowers too tight in her fist as she gestured towards her companion. The latter nodded solemnly, her face older but equally restless, and whispering back, “Of course I’ve heard! The young madam doesn’t even know!”
“Do you think he’s grown tired of her? I would hope not since they’d only been married a year.” The younger maid’s brow wrinkled at the thought. “I’d always thought the young madam was too sweet for him, to be honest. She’d always seemed so meek at home and even more so since her father died. And now with the baby, she doesn’t seem to notice much of anything but the little one.”
“They were quite young when they married. And the Master Changmin has always been an attractive man. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to assume that he carries the affection of many impressionable debutantes, especially those from wealthier cities.”
“But do you think he would go as far as commit adultery? I know that the times have changed but-”
The older woman scoffed, her brow wrinkled as she appraised her young companion. “If kings of the olden days were able to keep concubines on the side, I wouldn’t be surprised if the young Master managed an affair or two today! The young Miss Im is too naïve, if you ask me. She’d hardly notice anything askew even if it were to happen under her own nose!”
“Do you know something that I don’t?” The young woman hissed, huddling closer. Yoona found herself doing the same, inching quietly against the tree blocking her from view. She watched as the older maid looked fervently around her before turning back, her sunken eyes wide and unflinching as she nodded.
“I heard of it from the women at the market place weeks ago but I hadn’t believed any of it until I saw it with my own eyes!”
Yoona’s eyes widened at that, her eyes filling instantly with tears as she quietly listened on.
“You saw the Master with his other woman?!”
“Yes! And that isn’t even the worst part!”
The younger woman bristled. “What could possibly make this news any worse?”
There was a pregnant pause before the old maid spoke again, her words drenching Yoona’s veins in ice as it hit her consciousness.
She knew that she was a naïve woman. Before Changmin, she had never felt anything more for the members of the opposite sex who had sought her hand. She hadn’t thought it was possible to care for anyone more than she had for her father, but Changmin had breached her defenses and with it left her bare to feel the agonizing pain of betrayal. Yoona longed to breathe easy as she remember walking away from the women undetected, shaking with every step she took.
Until now, as Yoona’s eyes looked on over the empty driveway, the gossip of those two maids still rung in her ears.
“The other woman is Choi Sooyoung. Miss Yoona’s closest friend!”
Her husband and her best friend? It was a cliché if there was ever one, and so it hurt all the same.
There was an old adage that said that if you hear one thing over and over again, in time you are bound to believe it to be true. Looking out the window she wondered if she could believe any of the rumors spiraling in the estate. She never heard of anything else-no change in the story or inflection. It was astounding, really, how people could keep doting on her so faithfully but talk behind her back-never giving forth information when she so desperately needed it.
Perhaps she’s been so silent for so long through all of it that no one can notice how much she wanted to scream.
A solitary tear made its way down her cheek as the clock chimed another hour passing. Yoona would have to make her way upstairs to feed Minah, give her sweet child a bath and then put her to bed. And it seemed that Changmin would not come home tonight.
With a heavy heart, she stepped back from the window and waved for the dinner table to be cleared.
~*~*~*~*~
Changmin held her up as close as she allowed him to and lead her down the hallway, carefully so as not to wake anyone (his parents, Victoria or the help) from their slumber. He eased the door open with his foot and pulled her slowly against him, wondering how the hell that man Minho managed to get his wife so drunk when he’d never once seen her drink more than a glass of champagne. A lot has certainly changed, he mused bitterly to himself as the two of them entered the room. Choi Minho had offered to help but Changmin had refused. To bring a foreign man into their bedroom was unspeakable! No matter how much his wife disliked him right now would never change the fact that this place - their space - was sacred and theirs alone.
“Tell me the truth, Changmin. You owe me that much at least.”
Yoona drunkenly pulled on his ear and he let out a surprised yelp, glaring down at her as she frowned back at him. “I asked you a question… idiot. Damned idiot.” She slurred louder this time, pulling away from him to stand shakily on her own and pouted. She pulled her arms across her chest and crossed them there, staring at him intensely that Changmin felt like running. He stayed rooted in his spot though, staring at her as softly as he could muster at the moment without provoking her.
Yoona was drunk and was probably a bit delirious too. But even at this state, he knew that she could still strike a blow if she willed it strong enough. And considering the fact that Yoona had come home intoxicated and angrier than she’d ever allowed herself to show him… well, it did not look all too promising for him to say anything out of turn. Come morning Changmin knew that she would have no idea of everything she’d say or do tonight, and that all he had to do was tough it out awhile longer until she finally fell asleep. He decided it was best to keep quiet and to get to her to bed. There was nothing more he could do anyway, but to watch over her and listen to her grumble incoherently.
Changmin pushed the door behind him closed and locked it, careful not to make any sudden movements or sounds as he made his way towards her with a tired sigh. At least now, they had a foot or two of wood and stone sheltering them from the outside world and the gossip of the help if Yoona ever decided to scream bloody murder at him. No one else needed to hear her fury no one was allowed to feel its’ thorns but him.
“Shim Changmin - goddamn it - answer the fucking question.” Suddenly, one of her hands found its’ way to grip at his collar and she pulled him forcefully to look at her close enough to see the conflicting emotions in her eyes and to smell the whiskey in her breath. She screamed at him. “You could have at least let me know where you were, you bastard, instead of keeping away for five damned years in another woman’s house.”
With her one fist balled around his collar, Yoona pounded the other over his chest unsteadily as tears streamed down her face. She bit her lip and swore under her breath; the alcohol disappearing fast from her system, only to be replaced by hurt, rage and disappointment all rolled into one. She beat and yelled at him some more, “Tell me! Did you like it better there than here that you didn’t even bother to write to me or your mother?! Is your life here so horrible you decided to stay away for years at a time before finally coming home?!”
She pushed him hard once before pelting him again with her fists. He remained unmoved all the while, letting her hit him for as much as she wanted. This was a fight they needed to have. And no matter how hard it was going to be, he would bear it because they needed to move on. They needed to start over.
Let it out, Yoona, Changmin thought as she cried, Let it all out.
Yoona pulled angrily away from him, her tone loud and biting as her eyes flickered with enough rage to glue him to his spot. Changmin had always found her beautiful-even now as she cornered him with her drunken tirade. It made his blood burn in desire but he did nothing to appease her. As much as he wanted to wrap her into his embrace, to calm her into understanding, to let her feel that he wasn’t going to run off and leave her again, Changmin knew that she needed this more.
And so he stood eerily still as she paced, yelling and wringing her hands about, “What made you stay with her, Changmin? She told me - Sooyoung told me you had earned enough for a ticket home years ago but instead you stayed. And for what?!-you wanted to help Victoria’s family? Honestly, Changmin - was that really the only reason you stayed?! Or was it because of her? Did you sleep with her? Did you fall in love with her? Tell me!”
“You’re the only one I want, Yoona.” His tone was calm and sure, truthful.
Her eyes glittered with unshed tears as his words, her heart aching in her chest. She pushed hard against his chest again, meaning to hurt him at least a fraction of how much she hurt.
“How am I supposed to know that? You send Sooyoung letters but not to me. I am your wife, you inconsiderate piece of-You should be writing to me!”
~*~*~*~*~
December 1943, Korea (somewhere in town)
I hadn’t meant to.
It was all that rung in her head since after her tears had dried up. Her body felt bone-tired and weary, her skin pasty and cold as her eyes looked on mindlessly to the one sliver of light between the sealed windows and the room’s dark curtains. Days and weeks passed but she found no strength to move from her bed. Yoona wound her covers around her tight, shutting the world out. She had no right to face the light of day.
I hadn’t mean to-
-Let the water keep running.
(Minah liked to splash around while she bathed, her little arms waving about as she dipped her in and out of the small tub…)
-Keep her underwater.
(Everything in her was tired but the water soothed her and so she kept her hands under. Minah splashed…)
-Not notice.
(Her thoughts whirled with the sound of the water coursing through the pipes and faucets. Where is he? Why hasn’t he come home? Are you with Sooyoung? What have you been doing with my best friend, Changmin? The splashes were bigger now, waves upon waves…)
-Get lost in myself.
(… and then the splashes stopped.)
“Yoona,” her name, before, when spoken by him sent heat down her spine but now it only left her feeling cold inside. She buried her face down into herself, her eyes welling up as she felt him come closer. His hand, large and heavy was warm upon her head.
“You have to eat, Yoona.” Changmin said, kneeling down on the floor beside her. His hand continued to rub soothingly down her back, hoping to coax her out of her fetal position and relieve at least the pain in his heart at seeing her like this. Shuttered and lost, afraid of the world-of him.
He couldn’t lose her. Not after-
“I hadn’t meant to…” she whispered tearfully from under the blankets. Changmin’s heart lurched within him as she shifted then stilled under his hand. His fingers bunched around the cloth, pulling it back to reveal the stricken picture his wife made underneath. A cry stuck in his throat as her large watery eyes looked up at his.
Changmin didn’t know what else to do.
“I hadn’t meant to…” She repeated, her voice still painfully raw and hurt. Shattered. Like he was too.
“I know, Yoona.”
~*~*~*~*~
“People in this town have looked at me as if I’ve dishonored the family because I failed to keep a living heir and you were nowhere to be found - and for five years, I bore it.” Yoona said, crying still, “I kept my head held high even though deep inside I believed every word they said. I believed that I wasn’t enough. I believed that I wasn’t fit to be part of your wonderful family and that you’d never come back after what had happened.”
“You let your doubt eat you alive.” He said it so matter-of-factly that she moved to hurl a shoe at him, only to almost lose her balance as she bent over. Changmin was quick to steady her, holding her against him as she teetered on her feet before letting her push him away again with a huff. “You told me to leave, Yoona. But I was always going to come back.”
“Yes, but at the time I didn’t know that. I waited for five years and when I thought I should move in, here you are!” She screamed at him, finally gaining enough balance to reach for her heel and toss it towards his head. He ducked just before it hit him but she decided she didn’t care. Instead she continued yelling, crying even harder now as the words overflowed.
“You came back and it threw me into a tailspin again. You came back unscathed and perfect and it frustrated me to no end, knowing that you chose to come home just as I was starting to feel like I should move on. And then eventually I found out the truth about the sacrifices you made for me and Kyuhyun and Sooyoung and”-Yoona paused to spit the name out jealously and shuttered-“Victoria when you lived with her and her family. And just like that I thought I knew were made to turn inside out. You made me like I should you let you back in again.”
Yoona heaved her breaths loudly, trying to control her sobs. “I wanted that so much, don’t you see? My heart hurts at the sight of you but I realized that I can’t bear to live without you for much longer. Do you understand? I-”
Changmin’s heart panged as he watched her rant. He thought he had seen her at her most vulnerable years ago but it seemed it wasn’t the case. He hadn’t stopped to think that his absence could trigger such a response but apparently it had or else he wouldn’t be watching his beautiful wife fall apart. It was then he realized that this fight-or whatever it was-they were having was nothing but. It was a purging of guilt. Of despair locked for so many years.
He braved a step closer, her name leaving his lips as he reached for her quaking hands.
“Yoona. Look at me.”
She refused to do so, training her eyes at anything but him. “I let her drown, Changmin.” She told him quietly and he sucked in a breath. “I killed our daughter and let our marriage fall apart. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t blame myself for it.”
“Yoona.” He said her name again, pulling to bring her closer but she resisted, babbling now as she continued,
“I took my anger out on you then because you were too understanding, too calm. I could feel the pain you felt, but I couldn’t see it in your face at all. It was like a shade had been drawn and I couldn’t push through it. I could never read you, Changmin - it made me feel like I hardly knew you at all. It made me feel like our marriage was worth nothing without our daughter. My doubt ate at me like you said. And then when I saw you with Sooyoung, holding her the way you did while she cried, I just-I snapped and-”
Changmin held onto her as her breathing started to come in halts. Her whole body shook as she hyperventilated and he tried to soothe her, running his hands down her back like did years ago. Calming her in the way that was his alone; her head pressed up against his chest while her tears wetted his shirt and his breath tickled her ear.
It was his turn to speak. She had to know.
“I didn’t want you to see my pain, Yoona. You were already hurting too much from what happened that I felt like I couldn’t add to it anymore than you could. It broke my heart as well to see her buried… but it nearly killed me seeing you practically lifeless right after. You could hardly be urged to move from our bed after the burial. You hardly spoke or saw anyone during that time. I didn’t know what to do with you - but then I received word from Kyuhyun and I thought that perhaps if you saw Sooyoung happy. Perhaps if my ass of a friend and your best friend finally got married then it would help you to think of other things besides Minah. Maybe it might even get you out of bed and talk to me.”
Changmin’s lips ghosted against the shell of her ear, more of a caress than a kiss. The action helping to ease her sobs to quieted sniffles as she listened to the timber of his voice. “So I set out to get him back, but it was difficult to pinpoint where he was exactly. Kyuhyun had been taken in by mistake by a Chinese military camp but I couldn’t be sure to identify which one it was without alerting the embassy of my movements. The night you found me, I had come to give her the news of his whereabouts. She cried and I held her because that was something I would have done for you. If you’d let me.”
“But then I saw both of you and I…”
“You told me to leave… and I did. But it wasn’t because I agreed with what you said that I didn’t love you. Because I did - I do. I’d just wanted to give you the space you needed. That and I figured if I’d brought Kyuhyun home, you’d realize that Sooyoung loved no one else but him and that I only ever wanted you. I was always going to come back.”
Yoona pushed off of him, brushing her hands across her cheeks. She closed her eyes and covered her face, trembling. “Then why were you gone for so long? Kyuhyun had been back a little before that year ended and you-”
“The only reason I stayed in China for so long was because Qian’s father reminded me of yours.” He told her, reaching out to hold her against him again. She didn’t resist and for that he was grateful. “It’s a stupid reason, isn’t it? I missed him a lot more than I thought and I suppose I wanted to feel his presence a little longer. He’d always known what to say when I was struggling to elaborate my feelings for you. He knew and understood things before I could even say them, and he… trusted me to make you happy. After Minah died and you shut into yourself, I felt like I failed to do just that. Because if I had made you happy… what we are should have been enough.”
Cupping her cheeks, Changmin touched his forehead against hers, speaking in a much softer tone. “I never stopped thinking about you. Whatever horrible thing it is you think happened between the time before and the time we’ve been apart, don’t believe it. The rumors were never true. I could never be unfaithful to you.” He angled her face closer, his eyes imploring her to understand and believe what he was saying. Because at this moment, all of his defenses were down as they should.
“I married you because I love you, Yoona. I’m sorry I never let you know. I’m sorry I let you doubt it.”
Yoona lifted a hand and smacked him hard on the cheek. It stung but the pain barely registered as a beatific smile widened across her face. Reaching up to hold his face close, she lifted her chin up to capture his bottom lip in between hers. “Kiss me.”
Her taste latched onto his tongue as he let their mouths mold, a faint tint of alcohol lacing with the heat.
But that didn’t matter now.
~*~*~*~*~
December 1943, Korea
It was just her luck, really, to lose everything she held dear in a single moment.
“I trusted you! Both of you! How could you do this to me?!”
Yoona had not planned to go out at night. But the sorrow was harder to deal with at night and alone in her-their-room was not something she wanted to face. She needed air. She needed peace.
“Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare touch me!”
It was by accident that she would find them there. At the clearing. In front of her daughter’s grave. Holding each other as though they’ve never been without each other’s heat. Her vision darkened as she watched him-her husband-press a soft kiss on another woman’s forehead, the action as intimate as it was loving. The woman in his arms looked up-Sooyoung!-and her heart stopped.
In that instant all of her fear came rushing through-
Miss Im is much to naïve for Master Changmin - he’s bound to leave her sooner or later, she can’t even bear children - all she is is pretty, I’m willing to bet she has nothing between her eyes - It’s unfortunate that Master Im had to leave his business into his daughter’s hands, what could she knew about the business? - Changmin deserves someone better. She’s not even that beautiful - He can’t possibly love her! - Did you hear that their daughter died because of her own doing? She’s cursed, I tell you. Her father and their daughter within the same year - He doesn’t love her-
“Leave. Both of you. I can’t bear-just leave! I don’t want you here. I can’t-”
She came to to a bright stillness. His mother’s concerned face hovering over her as she relayed what had happened. “Changmin’s gone.” She had said it so softly, Yoona hadn’t believed it at first.
She waited every day by the window, until Yoona finally believed her wouldn’t.
~*~*~*~*~
He returned her kiss with an equal fury, devouring her lips and trailing hot skin over the exposed flesh of her belly. Coaxing her to open, Changmin tangled his tongue over hers and fitted his fingers through her hair, pushing her back and falling over her on the mattress - limbs entwining as naturally as they had the first time they were like this together. Five years might have gone by, but he knew for a fact that this act was never better with anyone but her. He bit back a groan as one of her hands pressed up against his chest before trailing lower, clumsily picking at buttons apart. He pulled away for control, breathing heavy under her heady gaze.
“Yoona… you might regret this and me in the morning if we go further than a kiss.”
“Be quiet.” She ordered, shaking her head steadily at him and pulling on his collar to bring his lips onto hers once again. He relented under her touch, unable to refuse her, and let her lead him into another heady cloud of desire. Threading his fingers through her hair, he responded to her with fiery and unyielding kisses. Their minds raced as her hands traveled down from his shoulders then onto his chest, while his climbed and groped up her sides. The heat had been palpable between them during the fight and it only intensified now as they moved together, picking layers off one by one.
Rolling over, Yoona pushed him to lie on his back before straddling him. Her demure skirt bunched up over her thighs as she worked on the buttons of his shirt - dragging the material away to splay her hands on his bare chest. That image was without a doubt the most erotic he’d ever seen her (dreamed of her) and Changmin fought to stay still as she touched him. You’re the only one, Yoona. The only one. He opened his mouth to speak, but held back as her gazes flicked with both desire and uncertainty. It felt like words wouldn’t be able to amount good enough to explain everything he thought and felt up to this point.
What’s the use of words if everything I’ve done have finally brought me here to you?
The alcohol’s effect had gone away faster than Yoona (or he) had expected but even without the courage it gave her initially, the need to feel him - to join and to connect with him - had already become too great to pull away. His eyes clouded over as he stared up at her slack-jawed; his gaze dark and ethereal - intimate.
Yoona held her breath for whatever it was he seemed to want to say.
Changmin, tell me something, anything, please… I have to know. Please tell me. Forgive me - make it better…
She hoped he would speak but knew that he wouldn’t do so in words. Instead Changmin let his hands to the talking. Letting them grip her hips tighter onto him, his thumbs rubbing circles against the flowy fabric of her skirt. The indirect contact to her skin and his touch excited her in more ways than one so she gave into herself and leaned in, pressing a kiss on the underside of his neck and smirking lazily at the soft moan he let out. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she lay there pressed against him for a moment and breathing in slowly as if she were in a dream.
And this must be a dream… at least, that’s how it feels like to me because I would have never done this.
“I missed you so much,” she said, more to herself than to him. A confession. If it were possible to press any closer to another human being, Yoona would have done so right at that moment. “I know I should hate you, or you should hate me - I should’ve just given up the day you left but…”
She shook her head absentmindedly and pulled away, sitting as far away as she could manage in one fluid movement, hiccupping on her words. His hand gripped her wrist just as she thought of standing up and stilled her in her position. Yoona stared down at his large hand gripping her slim wrist and bit her lip, straining her eyes not look into his as he slowly sat up to move closer to her. She didn’t flinch when his eyes stared deeply into hers as his hands warmed and folded over her cold fingers, pressing them against his lips.
“I love you, Yoona, I always have.” He breathed, her name spoken like a prayer.
Her heart leapt in her chest and then she knew that this was inevitable. There was no going back.
Their clothes were shed a layer at a time, revealing pieces of themselves under the pale moonlight. She was tainted pink as he maneuvered her under him, goose bumps erupting upon her flesh with every kiss he pressed against her. They pressed and pushed against each other, utterly naked in the physical and emotional sense. Yoona opened up to him, cradling him as their heat combined. Their gazes fluttered only slightly as they moved to connect themselves as one.
Yoona inhaled sharply as Changmin groaned, the sensations building and burning them into a heightened plane, pulling them quickly to hurry the pace and sate their desire. A thin sheath of sweat covered their skin as they moved together in perfect harmony, sliding back and forth in a half-frenzied state. Neither one of them wanted to this to be quick - but it had been too long a time since they’d felt like this and neither of them wanted to let go. This was culmination of their love - no matter how late or hasty or complicated it was declared.
It was theirs.
Her gasps came in staccato rhythm. Her fingernails digging into his shoulders as she let out a loud moan as she crested-pulling him closer to his own with each stroke, stroke, stroke. “Changmin…” she breathed, dragging her lips onto his cheek as her mind swirled with all that was unsaid between them.
That was enough.
With a cry, he surrendered to his release, falling into her softness. They held each other tight as their bodies cooled.
No words needed to be said.
November 1943, Korea
Yoona stared at the dials of her wrist watch, her eyes steadily following the seconds tick by. It was fifteen minutes after seven in the evening and she was alone. Dinner was already set on the table, slowly turning cold as she waited at one end.
Changmin should have been home an hour ago. And it wasn’t like him to be late for anything… and especially not for every night in the past week.
“Where are you, Changmin?” Yoona wondered aloud, biting her lip as she stood up for the nth time in the past half hour. Chewing on the soft skin of her lower lip, she moved towards the window overlooking the driveway-noting with a heavy heart the absence of Changmin’s convertible.
Her husband had been acting oddly for weeks now but had not started becoming late for dinner until the week before, only citing problems at the family factory as his reason for delay. It wouldn’t have bothered her normally, knowing how seriously Changmin took to handling the affairs of the business but once gossip mongers caught wind of his constant tardiness, Yoona began to hear the whispers around town.
The rumors were fierce, all aimed to inflict as much pain as possible. It had hit her out of nowhere when she first heard of it and in her own home, no less. She had been out for a short walk around the gardens with Minah when she caught wind of the whispered discussions between two maids picking flowers for arrangements in the house. The younger of the two spoke in a scandalized tone, waving her hands about. “Did you hear about the young master meeting a woman secretly in the outskirts of town? I heard he hadn’t been to the factory as much as he said he was. Do you think something is amiss?” She said worriedly, gripping a bundle of wildflowers too tight in her fist as she gestured towards her companion. The latter nodded solemnly, her face older but equally restless, and whispering back, “Of course I’ve heard! The young madam doesn’t even know!”
“Do you think he’s grown tired of her? I would hope not since they’d only been married a year.” The younger maid’s brow wrinkled at the thought. “I’d always thought the young madam was too sweet for him, to be honest. She’d always seemed so meek at home and even more so since her father died. And now with the baby, she doesn’t seem to notice much of anything but the little one.”
“They were quite young when they married. And the Master Changmin has always been an attractive man. It wouldn’t be much of a stretch to assume that he carries the affection of many impressionable debutantes, especially those from wealthier cities.”
“But do you think he would go as far as commit adultery? I know that the times have changed but-”
The older woman scoffed, her brow wrinkled as she appraised her young companion. “If kings of the olden days were able to keep concubines on the side, I wouldn’t be surprised if the young Master managed an affair or two today! The young Miss Im is too naïve, if you ask me. She’d hardly notice anything askew even if it were to happen under her own nose!”
“Do you know something that I don’t?” The young woman hissed, huddling closer. Yoona found herself doing the same, inching quietly against the tree blocking her from view. She watched as the older maid looked fervently around her before turning back, her sunken eyes wide and unflinching as she nodded.
“I heard of it from the women at the market place weeks ago but I hadn’t believed any of it until I saw it with my own eyes!”
Yoona’s eyes widened at that, her eyes filling instantly with tears as she quietly listened on.
“You saw the Master with his other woman?!”
“Yes! And that isn’t even the worst part!”
The younger woman bristled. “What could possibly make this news any worse?”
There was a pregnant pause before the old maid spoke again, her words drenching Yoona’s veins in ice as it hit her consciousness.
She knew that she was a naïve woman. Before Changmin, she had never felt anything more for the members of the opposite sex who had sought her hand. She hadn’t thought it was possible to care for anyone more than she had for her father, but Changmin had breached her defenses and with it left her bare to feel the agonizing pain of betrayal. Yoona longed to breathe easy as she remember walking away from the women undetected, shaking with every step she took.
Until now, as Yoona’s eyes looked on over the empty driveway, the gossip of those two maids still rung in her ears.
“The other woman is Choi Sooyoung. Miss Yoona’s closest friend!”
Her husband and her best friend? It was a cliché if there was ever one, and so it hurt all the same.
There was an old adage that said that if you hear one thing over and over again, in time you are bound to believe it to be true. Looking out the window she wondered if she could believe any of the rumors spiraling in the estate. She never heard of anything else-no change in the story or inflection. It was astounding, really, how people could keep doting on her so faithfully but talk behind her back-never giving forth information when she so desperately needed it.
Perhaps she’s been so silent for so long through all of it that no one can notice how much she wanted to scream.
A solitary tear made its way down her cheek as the clock chimed another hour passing. Yoona would have to make her way upstairs to feed Minah, give her sweet child a bath and then put her to bed. And it seemed that Changmin would not come home tonight.
With a heavy heart, she stepped back from the window and waved for the dinner table to be cleared.
~*~*~*~*~
Changmin held her up as close as she allowed him to and lead her down the hallway, carefully so as not to wake anyone (his parents, Victoria or the help) from their slumber. He eased the door open with his foot and pulled her slowly against him, wondering how the hell that man Minho managed to get his wife so drunk when he’d never once seen her drink more than a glass of champagne. A lot has certainly changed, he mused bitterly to himself as the two of them entered the room. Choi Minho had offered to help but Changmin had refused. To bring a foreign man into their bedroom was unspeakable! No matter how much his wife disliked him right now would never change the fact that this place - their space - was sacred and theirs alone.
“Tell me the truth, Changmin. You owe me that much at least.”
Yoona drunkenly pulled on his ear and he let out a surprised yelp, glaring down at her as she frowned back at him. “I asked you a question… idiot. Damned idiot.” She slurred louder this time, pulling away from him to stand shakily on her own and pouted. She pulled her arms across her chest and crossed them there, staring at him intensely that Changmin felt like running. He stayed rooted in his spot though, staring at her as softly as he could muster at the moment without provoking her.
Yoona was drunk and was probably a bit delirious too. But even at this state, he knew that she could still strike a blow if she willed it strong enough. And considering the fact that Yoona had come home intoxicated and angrier than she’d ever allowed herself to show him… well, it did not look all too promising for him to say anything out of turn. Come morning Changmin knew that she would have no idea of everything she’d say or do tonight, and that all he had to do was tough it out awhile longer until she finally fell asleep. He decided it was best to keep quiet and to get to her to bed. There was nothing more he could do anyway, but to watch over her and listen to her grumble incoherently.
Changmin pushed the door behind him closed and locked it, careful not to make any sudden movements or sounds as he made his way towards her with a tired sigh. At least now, they had a foot or two of wood and stone sheltering them from the outside world and the gossip of the help if Yoona ever decided to scream bloody murder at him. No one else needed to hear her fury no one was allowed to feel its’ thorns but him.
“Shim Changmin - goddamn it - answer the fucking question.” Suddenly, one of her hands found its’ way to grip at his collar and she pulled him forcefully to look at her close enough to see the conflicting emotions in her eyes and to smell the whiskey in her breath. She screamed at him. “You could have at least let me know where you were, you bastard, instead of keeping away for five damned years in another woman’s house.”
With her one fist balled around his collar, Yoona pounded the other over his chest unsteadily as tears streamed down her face. She bit her lip and swore under her breath; the alcohol disappearing fast from her system, only to be replaced by hurt, rage and disappointment all rolled into one. She beat and yelled at him some more, “Tell me! Did you like it better there than here that you didn’t even bother to write to me or your mother?! Is your life here so horrible you decided to stay away for years at a time before finally coming home?!”
She pushed him hard once before pelting him again with her fists. He remained unmoved all the while, letting her hit him for as much as she wanted. This was a fight they needed to have. And no matter how hard it was going to be, he would bear it because they needed to move on. They needed to start over.
Let it out, Yoona, Changmin thought as she cried, Let it all out.
Yoona pulled angrily away from him, her tone loud and biting as her eyes flickered with enough rage to glue him to his spot. Changmin had always found her beautiful-even now as she cornered him with her drunken tirade. It made his blood burn in desire but he did nothing to appease her. As much as he wanted to wrap her into his embrace, to calm her into understanding, to let her feel that he wasn’t going to run off and leave her again, Changmin knew that she needed this more.
And so he stood eerily still as she paced, yelling and wringing her hands about, “What made you stay with her, Changmin? She told me - Sooyoung told me you had earned enough for a ticket home years ago but instead you stayed. And for what?!-you wanted to help Victoria’s family? Honestly, Changmin - was that really the only reason you stayed?! Or was it because of her? Did you sleep with her? Did you fall in love with her? Tell me!”
“You’re the only one I want, Yoona.” His tone was calm and sure, truthful.
Her eyes glittered with unshed tears as his words, her heart aching in her chest. She pushed hard against his chest again, meaning to hurt him at least a fraction of how much she hurt.
“How am I supposed to know that? You send Sooyoung letters but not to me. I am your wife, you inconsiderate piece of-You should be writing to me!”
~*~*~*~*~
December 1943, Korea (somewhere in town)
I hadn’t meant to.
It was all that rung in her head since after her tears had dried up. Her body felt bone-tired and weary, her skin pasty and cold as her eyes looked on mindlessly to the one sliver of light between the sealed windows and the room’s dark curtains. Days and weeks passed but she found no strength to move from her bed. Yoona wound her covers around her tight, shutting the world out. She had no right to face the light of day.
I hadn’t mean to-
-Let the water keep running.
(Minah liked to splash around while she bathed, her little arms waving about as she dipped her in and out of the small tub…)
-Keep her underwater.
(Everything in her was tired but the water soothed her and so she kept her hands under. Minah splashed…)
-Not notice.
(Her thoughts whirled with the sound of the water coursing through the pipes and faucets. Where is he? Why hasn’t he come home? Are you with Sooyoung? What have you been doing with my best friend, Changmin? The splashes were bigger now, waves upon waves…)
-Get lost in myself.
(… and then the splashes stopped.)
“Yoona,” her name, before, when spoken by him sent heat down her spine but now it only left her feeling cold inside. She buried her face down into herself, her eyes welling up as she felt him come closer. His hand, large and heavy was warm upon her head.
“You have to eat, Yoona.” Changmin said, kneeling down on the floor beside her. His hand continued to rub soothingly down her back, hoping to coax her out of her fetal position and relieve at least the pain in his heart at seeing her like this. Shuttered and lost, afraid of the world-of him.
He couldn’t lose her. Not after-
“I hadn’t meant to…” she whispered tearfully from under the blankets. Changmin’s heart lurched within him as she shifted then stilled under his hand. His fingers bunched around the cloth, pulling it back to reveal the stricken picture his wife made underneath. A cry stuck in his throat as her large watery eyes looked up at his.
Changmin didn’t know what else to do.
“I hadn’t meant to…” She repeated, her voice still painfully raw and hurt. Shattered. Like he was too.
“I know, Yoona.”
~*~*~*~*~
“People in this town have looked at me as if I’ve dishonored the family because I failed to keep a living heir and you were nowhere to be found - and for five years, I bore it.” Yoona said, crying still, “I kept my head held high even though deep inside I believed every word they said. I believed that I wasn’t enough. I believed that I wasn’t fit to be part of your wonderful family and that you’d never come back after what had happened.”
“You let your doubt eat you alive.” He said it so matter-of-factly that she moved to hurl a shoe at him, only to almost lose her balance as she bent over. Changmin was quick to steady her, holding her against him as she teetered on her feet before letting her push him away again with a huff. “You told me to leave, Yoona. But I was always going to come back.”
“Yes, but at the time I didn’t know that. I waited for five years and when I thought I should move in, here you are!” She screamed at him, finally gaining enough balance to reach for her heel and toss it towards his head. He ducked just before it hit him but she decided she didn’t care. Instead she continued yelling, crying even harder now as the words overflowed.
“You came back and it threw me into a tailspin again. You came back unscathed and perfect and it frustrated me to no end, knowing that you chose to come home just as I was starting to feel like I should move on. And then eventually I found out the truth about the sacrifices you made for me and Kyuhyun and Sooyoung and”-Yoona paused to spit the name out jealously and shuttered-“Victoria when you lived with her and her family. And just like that I thought I knew were made to turn inside out. You made me like I should you let you back in again.”
Yoona heaved her breaths loudly, trying to control her sobs. “I wanted that so much, don’t you see? My heart hurts at the sight of you but I realized that I can’t bear to live without you for much longer. Do you understand? I-”
Changmin’s heart panged as he watched her rant. He thought he had seen her at her most vulnerable years ago but it seemed it wasn’t the case. He hadn’t stopped to think that his absence could trigger such a response but apparently it had or else he wouldn’t be watching his beautiful wife fall apart. It was then he realized that this fight-or whatever it was-they were having was nothing but. It was a purging of guilt. Of despair locked for so many years.
He braved a step closer, her name leaving his lips as he reached for her quaking hands.
“Yoona. Look at me.”
She refused to do so, training her eyes at anything but him. “I let her drown, Changmin.” She told him quietly and he sucked in a breath. “I killed our daughter and let our marriage fall apart. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t blame myself for it.”
“Yoona.” He said her name again, pulling to bring her closer but she resisted, babbling now as she continued,
“I took my anger out on you then because you were too understanding, too calm. I could feel the pain you felt, but I couldn’t see it in your face at all. It was like a shade had been drawn and I couldn’t push through it. I could never read you, Changmin - it made me feel like I hardly knew you at all. It made me feel like our marriage was worth nothing without our daughter. My doubt ate at me like you said. And then when I saw you with Sooyoung, holding her the way you did while she cried, I just-I snapped and-”
Changmin held onto her as her breathing started to come in halts. Her whole body shook as she hyperventilated and he tried to soothe her, running his hands down her back like did years ago. Calming her in the way that was his alone; her head pressed up against his chest while her tears wetted his shirt and his breath tickled her ear.
It was his turn to speak. She had to know.
“I didn’t want you to see my pain, Yoona. You were already hurting too much from what happened that I felt like I couldn’t add to it anymore than you could. It broke my heart as well to see her buried… but it nearly killed me seeing you practically lifeless right after. You could hardly be urged to move from our bed after the burial. You hardly spoke or saw anyone during that time. I didn’t know what to do with you - but then I received word from Kyuhyun and I thought that perhaps if you saw Sooyoung happy. Perhaps if my ass of a friend and your best friend finally got married then it would help you to think of other things besides Minah. Maybe it might even get you out of bed and talk to me.”
Changmin’s lips ghosted against the shell of her ear, more of a caress than a kiss. The action helping to ease her sobs to quieted sniffles as she listened to the timber of his voice. “So I set out to get him back, but it was difficult to pinpoint where he was exactly. Kyuhyun had been taken in by mistake by a Chinese military camp but I couldn’t be sure to identify which one it was without alerting the embassy of my movements. The night you found me, I had come to give her the news of his whereabouts. She cried and I held her because that was something I would have done for you. If you’d let me.”
“But then I saw both of you and I…”
“You told me to leave… and I did. But it wasn’t because I agreed with what you said that I didn’t love you. Because I did - I do. I’d just wanted to give you the space you needed. That and I figured if I’d brought Kyuhyun home, you’d realize that Sooyoung loved no one else but him and that I only ever wanted you. I was always going to come back.”
Yoona pushed off of him, brushing her hands across her cheeks. She closed her eyes and covered her face, trembling. “Then why were you gone for so long? Kyuhyun had been back a little before that year ended and you-”
“The only reason I stayed in China for so long was because Qian’s father reminded me of yours.” He told her, reaching out to hold her against him again. She didn’t resist and for that he was grateful. “It’s a stupid reason, isn’t it? I missed him a lot more than I thought and I suppose I wanted to feel his presence a little longer. He’d always known what to say when I was struggling to elaborate my feelings for you. He knew and understood things before I could even say them, and he… trusted me to make you happy. After Minah died and you shut into yourself, I felt like I failed to do just that. Because if I had made you happy… what we are should have been enough.”
Cupping her cheeks, Changmin touched his forehead against hers, speaking in a much softer tone. “I never stopped thinking about you. Whatever horrible thing it is you think happened between the time before and the time we’ve been apart, don’t believe it. The rumors were never true. I could never be unfaithful to you.” He angled her face closer, his eyes imploring her to understand and believe what he was saying. Because at this moment, all of his defenses were down as they should.
“I married you because I love you, Yoona. I’m sorry I never let you know. I’m sorry I let you doubt it.”
Yoona lifted a hand and smacked him hard on the cheek. It stung but the pain barely registered as a beatific smile widened across her face. Reaching up to hold his face close, she lifted her chin up to capture his bottom lip in between hers. “Kiss me.”
Her taste latched onto his tongue as he let their mouths mold, a faint tint of alcohol lacing with the heat.
But that didn’t matter now.
~*~*~*~*~
December 1943, Korea
It was just her luck, really, to lose everything she held dear in a single moment.
“I trusted you! Both of you! How could you do this to me?!”
Yoona had not planned to go out at night. But the sorrow was harder to deal with at night and alone in her-their-room was not something she wanted to face. She needed air. She needed peace.
“Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare touch me!”
It was by accident that she would find them there. At the clearing. In front of her daughter’s grave. Holding each other as though they’ve never been without each other’s heat. Her vision darkened as she watched him-her husband-press a soft kiss on another woman’s forehead, the action as intimate as it was loving. The woman in his arms looked up-Sooyoung!-and her heart stopped.
In that instant all of her fear came rushing through-
Miss Im is much to naïve for Master Changmin - he’s bound to leave her sooner or later, she can’t even bear children - all she is is pretty, I’m willing to bet she has nothing between her eyes - It’s unfortunate that Master Im had to leave his business into his daughter’s hands, what could she knew about the business? - Changmin deserves someone better. She’s not even that beautiful - He can’t possibly love her! - Did you hear that their daughter died because of her own doing? She’s cursed, I tell you. Her father and their daughter within the same year - He doesn’t love her-
“Leave. Both of you. I can’t bear-just leave! I don’t want you here. I can’t-”
She came to to a bright stillness. His mother’s concerned face hovering over her as she relayed what had happened. “Changmin’s gone.” She had said it so softly, Yoona hadn’t believed it at first.
She waited every day by the window, until Yoona finally believed her wouldn’t.
~*~*~*~*~
He returned her kiss with an equal fury, devouring her lips and trailing hot skin over the exposed flesh of her belly. Coaxing her to open, Changmin tangled his tongue over hers and fitted his fingers through her hair, pushing her back and falling over her on the mattress - limbs entwining as naturally as they had the first time they were like this together. Five years might have gone by, but he knew for a fact that this act was never better with anyone but her. He bit back a groan as one of her hands pressed up against his chest before trailing lower, clumsily picking at buttons apart. He pulled away for control, breathing heavy under her heady gaze.
“Yoona… you might regret this and me in the morning if we go further than a kiss.”
“Be quiet.” She ordered, shaking her head steadily at him and pulling on his collar to bring his lips onto hers once again. He relented under her touch, unable to refuse her, and let her lead him into another heady cloud of desire. Threading his fingers through her hair, he responded to her with fiery and unyielding kisses. Their minds raced as her hands traveled down from his shoulders then onto his chest, while his climbed and groped up her sides. The heat had been palpable between them during the fight and it only intensified now as they moved together, picking layers off one by one.
Rolling over, Yoona pushed him to lie on his back before straddling him. Her demure skirt bunched up over her thighs as she worked on the buttons of his shirt - dragging the material away to splay her hands on his bare chest. That image was without a doubt the most erotic he’d ever seen her (dreamed of her) and Changmin fought to stay still as she touched him. You’re the only one, Yoona. The only one. He opened his mouth to speak, but held back as her gazes flicked with both desire and uncertainty. It felt like words wouldn’t be able to amount good enough to explain everything he thought and felt up to this point.
What’s the use of words if everything I’ve done have finally brought me here to you?
The alcohol’s effect had gone away faster than Yoona (or he) had expected but even without the courage it gave her initially, the need to feel him - to join and to connect with him - had already become too great to pull away. His eyes clouded over as he stared up at her slack-jawed; his gaze dark and ethereal - intimate.
Yoona held her breath for whatever it was he seemed to want to say.
Changmin, tell me something, anything, please… I have to know. Please tell me. Forgive me - make it better…
She hoped he would speak but knew that he wouldn’t do so in words. Instead Changmin let his hands to the talking. Letting them grip her hips tighter onto him, his thumbs rubbing circles against the flowy fabric of her skirt. The indirect contact to her skin and his touch excited her in more ways than one so she gave into herself and leaned in, pressing a kiss on the underside of his neck and smirking lazily at the soft moan he let out. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she lay there pressed against him for a moment and breathing in slowly as if she were in a dream.
And this must be a dream… at least, that’s how it feels like to me because I would have never done this.
“I missed you so much,” she said, more to herself than to him. A confession. If it were possible to press any closer to another human being, Yoona would have done so right at that moment. “I know I should hate you, or you should hate me - I should’ve just given up the day you left but…”
She shook her head absentmindedly and pulled away, sitting as far away as she could manage in one fluid movement, hiccupping on her words. His hand gripped her wrist just as she thought of standing up and stilled her in her position. Yoona stared down at his large hand gripping her slim wrist and bit her lip, straining her eyes not look into his as he slowly sat up to move closer to her. She didn’t flinch when his eyes stared deeply into hers as his hands warmed and folded over her cold fingers, pressing them against his lips.
“I love you, Yoona, I always have.” He breathed, her name spoken like a prayer.
Her heart leapt in her chest and then she knew that this was inevitable. There was no going back.
Their clothes were shed a layer at a time, revealing pieces of themselves under the pale moonlight. She was tainted pink as he maneuvered her under him, goose bumps erupting upon her flesh with every kiss he pressed against her. They pressed and pushed against each other, utterly naked in the physical and emotional sense. Yoona opened up to him, cradling him as their heat combined. Their gazes fluttered only slightly as they moved to connect themselves as one.
Yoona inhaled sharply as Changmin groaned, the sensations building and burning them into a heightened plane, pulling them quickly to hurry the pace and sate their desire. A thin sheath of sweat covered their skin as they moved together in perfect harmony, sliding back and forth in a half-frenzied state. Neither one of them wanted to this to be quick - but it had been too long a time since they’d felt like this and neither of them wanted to let go. This was culmination of their love - no matter how late or hasty or complicated it was declared.
It was theirs.
Her gasps came in staccato rhythm. Her fingernails digging into his shoulders as she let out a loud moan as she crested-pulling him closer to his own with each stroke, stroke, stroke. “Changmin…” she breathed, dragging her lips onto his cheek as her mind swirled with all that was unsaid between them.
That was enough.
With a cry, he surrendered to his release, falling into her softness. They held each other tight as their bodies cooled.
No words needed to be said.