L'inizio di Una Vita | VIII.
VIII. We are No Good for Each Other
Yoona’s hands gripped the fabric of her skirt tightly as she listened to Kyuhyun’s recollection of the last five years. It had taken both her and Sooyoung’s time to coax the man to speak to her about the past, but once he’d relented-his stories took hold of her attention and refused to let go.
She hadn’t thought that the circumstances of her friend’s enlistment into armed force had come with a price-one that had destroyed his name and had also almost taken his life if not for her husband’s efforts. Efforts she hadn’t known were being done whilst she fell into despair in his absence.
With her knuckles shaking ever so slightly in her lap, Yoona slowly lifted her head to meet Kyuhyun’s sorrowful gaze. He had recounted his tale quite animatedly; speaking of frightful people and events she didn’t dare want to know or re-live. He spoke of the lieutenant he had served under-a corrupt man and an insurgent who had framed Kyuhyun of his own dastardly crimes-and then of the troubles he had to face while on the run from his own platoon’s wrath and the Japanese militia…
She had feared for him while he spoke of events that had already passed. And even more so for her own husband’s involvement in his best friend’s escape. There was so much she didn’t know nor understand-it frightened her that she might never truly stomach everything that would be said that day.
“Changmin was able to get me back home in a cargo ship,” Kyuhyun began after a long pause, taking a long swig from the drink Sooyoung set out for them in the living room. They were huddled in front of a roaring fire; Kyuhyun on one side with a grim expression and Yoona at the other, gripping the fabric of her flowing skirt. Sooyoung sat in between them, patting her friend on the shoulder-unbearably quiet throughout Kyuhyun’s storytelling. Yoona couldn’t possibly listen anymore, couldn’t possibly want to stay for longer to hear about what her husband did or did not do-but she had to, needed to.
“He didn’t come home though…”
“No, of course not. Obviously.”
Yoona nodded at this and waited as Kyuhyun heaved a heavy sigh.
“He said he promised the family that helped him with the arrangements that he would get their harvests up by 10% before the year was through. Changmin told us that at most it would only take him a month or two to organize everything before coming back here, but obviously that didn’t happen. He used up all the money he brought with him in case of anything to help the family… and eventually had to work more to earn everything back.”
“Sooyoung tried to explain it to you at the time…” he trailed off, catching Yoona’s gaze with his. She looked back steadily, unflinching as he continued-his tone more or less accusatory than it should have been. “The family had just reported him missing then but when she came to tell you what happened, you were so distraught and angry that you shut everyone out completely. I couldn’t come out of hiding and show myself to you just yet to explain everything and eventually once Changmin learned about this, he told us not push you any further…”
“He told us that we should worry about ourselves and try to live normally. He said that he’d find a way to come back and make it right between all of us, so we left town for awhile to rebuild our lives.”
Sooyoung continued for her husband from then on, clasping Yoona’s hand in between hers. She was trembling slightly as she listened to the words spoken to her, unsure of it all but calm at the same time. Yoona didn’t want to seem weak-she couldn’t afford to be viewed like that anymore.
And even though she felt like fainting from all that she was learning that day, she also knew that couldn’t run away into isolation again. Hiding away from the inevitable truth that would surface was cowardly and Yoona believed she was anything but that.
“Kyuhyun and I married in a month after Jiyoung was born but even then with the difficulties of having to raise a child while moving constantly-we were determined to come back and not to let this town scare us into running out on our lives.” Yoona felt the gentle squeeze of her friend’s hand over hers as she spoke, spreading warmth through her heart. Sooyoung smiled at her as she continued; her words clear and concise-cutting through the silence in the room.
“Kyuhyun said he couldn’t do that to Changmin. He said that he had to look after you even if you didn’t want him too and I felt the same. It took us awhile before we were able to come back here-even with Changmin’s help, it took more than what he could give just for us to buy this house back. We were able to get everything my parents left for me here - the house and the cantina - but it took even longer for us to help Changmin to gain back what we owed him.”
Sooyoung finished in a flourish, gesturing at the walls of their home surrounding them. Yoona nodded slowly in understanding as her admissions sunk into her thoughts and she weighed them. It was almost too much to process in such a short time, but somehow it all also made sense. The growing realization of her husband’s innocence also slowly made it hard to breathe.
“I-I don’t know what to say,” Yoona choked, her breath coming up in short, rasping gasps. Her hands trembled as tears prickled her eyes and Sooyoung gently reached out to squeeze her arm once again. “All this time I’ve thought ill of my only true friend and - so this means that he-that Changmin had spoken the truth before he left. He’d left to get Kyuhyun home and-”
A wave of remorse overwhelmed her as she struggled to continue.
“Shh.” It was Kyuhyun, surprisingly, who came to console her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she began to openly cry. “Neither of us expected things to go this far. The three of us thought things would be fixed before the New Year but… I’m sorry, Yoona. Truly, I am.”
She sniffed into her sleeve in an unlady-like fashion, cracking a smile when the couple chuckled kindly in unison. Warmth filled her heart as her long-lost friends gathered on either side of her to comfort her; their smiles open and true. It’d been awhile since she felt safe outside of the family. To be around her friends-real friends-was something she’d truly missed.
If I had listened back then when Changmin had tried to explain that night-then maybe I wouldn’t felt so alone.
Yoona’s lip quivered at the thought, suddenly guilty. She bowed her head, hiding her face as tears surfaced behind her eyelids. “You have nothing to feel sorry for, Kyuhyun,” she said, squeezing the hand Kyuhyun held, “All I want is the truth and you’ve given me at least half of it. I’m more than grateful for your telling me at any time.”
If he noticed her trembles, Kyuhyun did not give her away. Instead he simply nodded and gently squeezed her hand back. “You’ll need to hear the rest from Changmin.” He told her seriously, forcing her to look at him directly.
Yoona nodded curtly, her heart aching as the sudden image of her husband and Victoria laughing earlier that day sprung into her mind. “Yes, I should, shouldn’t I? He owes me that much.” she started, taking a deep breath. She thanked the Lord that her voice held none of the uneasiness she felt inside.
“Have you spoken to him at all?” Sooyoung pushed on, unfortunately not as convinced as she had hoped her friend would be.
“Yes. About the farm and such.”
Sooyoung cracked a smile at this, brighter and much less forced before shaking her head. She didn’t mean about business of course, but it seemed like Yoona didn’t want to allude to it by herself. “We don’t mean that, Yoong. We meant about China. Has he come to you to explain yet?”
“Well… no.” Yoona sighed a bit later and in blatant defeat, too tired to pretend she wasn’t affected any longer. With her happily-married friends stared down at with twin all-knowing smirks, her secret contempt for her husband’s fair friend was most likely going to reveal itself sooner rather than later. She huffed in frustration, a dark blush coloring her cheeks. “But it isn’t like we’ve had the time to speak alone either.”
“And why not?”
“Because,” she started, pursing her lip. How could she possibly explain the anxiety she felt every time her husband was near? How could she put into the words the combined joy and pain that consumed her heart with every light touch and warm glance he sent her way? Yoona wrung her hands out in front of her and sighed, biting the inside of her cheek. “He’s too busy-showing that woman-Victoria-around the estate. I don’t want to intrude.”
Sooyoung let out a guffaw at her obviously jealous tone and rolled her eyes as Yoona threw her an angry look. “You’re his wife. It’s your business to intrude.”
“Am I still? Or is that only on paper?” she retorted, feeling the pain awash her once again as her back hit the cushions behind her. Yoona shook her head, regretting the bitter words that stumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them.
It wasn’t her place to feel this way. It’d been years.
“It’s alright to be jealous.” Sooyoung offered, reaching over to clasp her friend’s trembling hands once again as her own husband to the free seat next to her.
They shared a look of distress over Yoona’s hunched figure, knowing all too well that they had burdened their friends with this situation by involving in their own issues half a decade ago. Kyuhyun would take everything back if he could. He would have never left for the war if he had had the courage to ask Sooyoung to be his wife sooner. If he had not been captured and if Changmin had not gone after him to China to help. If he could take back all of these-then perhaps their lives would be different.
Kyuhyun watched his son waddle towards them with a big, toothy smile. His little arm holding a worn teddy bear out towards Yoona as he clambered over to where they sat, wrapping his free hand onto where Sooyoung’s hand covered her friend’s and squeezed. A wave of affection rushed through him at that small act and he knew that as much as he would want to change the past, he also did not regret it.
His son, Jiyoung, had been born throughout all of this healthy and happy, and Kyuhyun had only Changmin’s efforts to thank. And if he could (and he would), Kyuhyun was only so very willing to repay his debts tenfold.
And so he began with soothing words, brushing a hand back and forth over his best friend’s wife’s back: “You love Changmin. You love your husband - you always have. None of us are blind not to see it, Yoona. You wouldn’t have reacted so extremely to his supposed betrayal with my wife or to his relations with Miss Song if you didn’t feel any ounce of love for him. It’s alright to be jealous. You love him too much to pretend otherwise.”
Her breath choked with emotion as she shook her head violently. “But, he-he’ll only leave again.”
“Why do you believe so adamantly that your marriage isn’t going to work?” Kyuhyun argued, moving quickly to shake her now with both hands. Yoona’s eyes were filled with tears as she stared back at him and he faltered slightly at the sight. She looked so broken, so sad. Nothing like the strong woman he knew Changmin has loved all these years.
“I believe it so because he left without as much a note by our bedside!” She yelled, pulling away from him and standing up-startling the child resting against her best friend’s arms. Her hands immediately flew to calm the boy as tears threatened to spill from her eyes, refusing to show any more weakness than what she already had. Her words come even softer as she continued, drained of energy to argue, “He’ll only leave again. He’s just waiting for the right time to give me the divorce papers himself.”
“Changmin loves you, Yoona,” Sooyoung said, ignoring the slight protest in Yoona’s stance as they both stood up and Yoona stepped away from her and her son, “I don’t know why you won’t let yourself believe it, but he does. And you love him. Love is simple, Yoona.”
“It is not! How could he possibly love me after-” Yoona replied, stopping short as a wave of pain took over. Sooyoung reeled back at her outburst and rightfully so. She paced around with her arms wrapped around herself; her mind flitting towards happier, water-colored times where a bundle used to lay in her arms and she’d hum happily to it.
She’d been so happy then, and so had Changmin. They were happy and then they were not. And it was her fault. It was.
She had to let him go. She must.
“He doesn’t love me. How could he? I’m a horrible person! I don’t deserve it!”
It was Kyuhyun, this time, who stood up to try to appease her. “You don’t mean that, Yoona!” he said, attempting to pull her back with his hands on her arms. She remained unmoving from her place, staring out into the window as dark clouds cast gloom over the night sky.
“Yes, I do.” Yoona replied, drained of all energy. “And no matter how much I want to deny it, I know I don’t deserve anything after what I’ve done.”
Kyuhyun’s hands stiffened as her words settled in the room. His heart reached out for her as he took a step back and looked helplessly at his wife’s eyes. The three of them stood motionless as he tried once again, “Yoona… It was an accident.”
“Changmin deserves someone who can give him children.” Yoona said with such a finality that it threatened to tear another wound in her soul. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, imagining what soft, slanting doe eyes would look like now if only her daughter had lived.
Her words are riddled with regret and guilt and when she finally says them, with her hand on the door and her back turned, the pain ebbs harsher even more:
“He deserves someone who won’t kill his child.”
~*~*~*~*~
“I wasn’t sure if I were ever to see you again, Miss Yoona.”
Minho said this in a quieter way than she’d come to expect of him; tenderly as though he was afraid of scaring her off. Yoona had to smile at this, at least, and be thankful of his kindness. It wasn’t customary for a man to respond to a woman who had already inadvertently rejected him. Especially not one who was still married and still so very in love with her wayward husband.
Her fingers tightened around the stem of her wine glass, her gaze glassy as she considered him and took a long sip. Minho moved to do the same, watching with kind eyes as she drank her fill. The wine warming them both in a way that neither how they wanted. He wanted the warmth of her skin and her love; while she wanted the heat brought by security and a pair of arms that were long and muscled and not Minho’s.
He sighed bitterly at the thought and drank again, watching her still as her eyes looked on past him. Distracted.
“I’m sorry. For how I left things.” She offered after a long while, glancing down at her empty glass just as Minho waved for the bar tender to pour her more wine. She watched as the liquid swirled and filled her glass, entranced by the rich red-violet color. She had gone through four glasses when he arrived at the bar and now counted two more since he’d sat with her quietly. “I’m sure you know how I feel. At least, as much as I’ve allowed you to know. But I am obviously not over with…”
Minho smiled at this, it was harsh on his sad face but he smiled nonetheless. He understood and that was all she really needed from him. “Yes. Yes, I know.”
“I must look a fright to you.” Yoona mused humorlessly. “I am so tired, Minho. I don’t know what to do.”
“You move on, I suppose.” Minho replied, moving to lean closer to touch one of her hands. She doesn’t move away when he does and it takes everything in him not to continue and gather her in his arms. “I think it’s best if you do. If you try-really try-to move forward.”
“How can I?” She asked, “When I love him so much?”
Minho’s heart broke even further at her words but he’d long since accepted it since he’d found out her husband had returned. But what little comfort he could bring was all he had and he was adamant on giving her what he could with his time with her. If he couldn’t have his happiness, he wanted nothing more than for her to have hers.
His voice is gravelly when he finally replied: “You know how, Yoona. I’m sure.”
Yoona wondered how it looked like from another’s perspective-to see her drinking her sorrows away with another man that was not her husband. With his one hand over hers and the other dancing across her cheek, so close they could be mistaken for kissing. It would feed the gossip mongers’ appetites for sure, she thought with a slight wince, the family will be so dishonored. Her thoughts swirled.
What would Mother think? What would Father?
She closed her eyes and felt the familiar pinpricks under her eyes. What would Changmin?
And so she moved to tilt her head away from Minho, much to his dismay and drank again-up to the very last drop before turning back to drop a pitiful, apologetic kiss on his cheek.
“I’d like to go home” is all she says to him afterwards and Minho does nothing more than nod.
Yoona’s hands gripped the fabric of her skirt tightly as she listened to Kyuhyun’s recollection of the last five years. It had taken both her and Sooyoung’s time to coax the man to speak to her about the past, but once he’d relented-his stories took hold of her attention and refused to let go.
She hadn’t thought that the circumstances of her friend’s enlistment into armed force had come with a price-one that had destroyed his name and had also almost taken his life if not for her husband’s efforts. Efforts she hadn’t known were being done whilst she fell into despair in his absence.
With her knuckles shaking ever so slightly in her lap, Yoona slowly lifted her head to meet Kyuhyun’s sorrowful gaze. He had recounted his tale quite animatedly; speaking of frightful people and events she didn’t dare want to know or re-live. He spoke of the lieutenant he had served under-a corrupt man and an insurgent who had framed Kyuhyun of his own dastardly crimes-and then of the troubles he had to face while on the run from his own platoon’s wrath and the Japanese militia…
She had feared for him while he spoke of events that had already passed. And even more so for her own husband’s involvement in his best friend’s escape. There was so much she didn’t know nor understand-it frightened her that she might never truly stomach everything that would be said that day.
“Changmin was able to get me back home in a cargo ship,” Kyuhyun began after a long pause, taking a long swig from the drink Sooyoung set out for them in the living room. They were huddled in front of a roaring fire; Kyuhyun on one side with a grim expression and Yoona at the other, gripping the fabric of her flowing skirt. Sooyoung sat in between them, patting her friend on the shoulder-unbearably quiet throughout Kyuhyun’s storytelling. Yoona couldn’t possibly listen anymore, couldn’t possibly want to stay for longer to hear about what her husband did or did not do-but she had to, needed to.
“He didn’t come home though…”
“No, of course not. Obviously.”
Yoona nodded at this and waited as Kyuhyun heaved a heavy sigh.
“He said he promised the family that helped him with the arrangements that he would get their harvests up by 10% before the year was through. Changmin told us that at most it would only take him a month or two to organize everything before coming back here, but obviously that didn’t happen. He used up all the money he brought with him in case of anything to help the family… and eventually had to work more to earn everything back.”
“Sooyoung tried to explain it to you at the time…” he trailed off, catching Yoona’s gaze with his. She looked back steadily, unflinching as he continued-his tone more or less accusatory than it should have been. “The family had just reported him missing then but when she came to tell you what happened, you were so distraught and angry that you shut everyone out completely. I couldn’t come out of hiding and show myself to you just yet to explain everything and eventually once Changmin learned about this, he told us not push you any further…”
“He told us that we should worry about ourselves and try to live normally. He said that he’d find a way to come back and make it right between all of us, so we left town for awhile to rebuild our lives.”
Sooyoung continued for her husband from then on, clasping Yoona’s hand in between hers. She was trembling slightly as she listened to the words spoken to her, unsure of it all but calm at the same time. Yoona didn’t want to seem weak-she couldn’t afford to be viewed like that anymore.
And even though she felt like fainting from all that she was learning that day, she also knew that couldn’t run away into isolation again. Hiding away from the inevitable truth that would surface was cowardly and Yoona believed she was anything but that.
“Kyuhyun and I married in a month after Jiyoung was born but even then with the difficulties of having to raise a child while moving constantly-we were determined to come back and not to let this town scare us into running out on our lives.” Yoona felt the gentle squeeze of her friend’s hand over hers as she spoke, spreading warmth through her heart. Sooyoung smiled at her as she continued; her words clear and concise-cutting through the silence in the room.
“Kyuhyun said he couldn’t do that to Changmin. He said that he had to look after you even if you didn’t want him too and I felt the same. It took us awhile before we were able to come back here-even with Changmin’s help, it took more than what he could give just for us to buy this house back. We were able to get everything my parents left for me here - the house and the cantina - but it took even longer for us to help Changmin to gain back what we owed him.”
Sooyoung finished in a flourish, gesturing at the walls of their home surrounding them. Yoona nodded slowly in understanding as her admissions sunk into her thoughts and she weighed them. It was almost too much to process in such a short time, but somehow it all also made sense. The growing realization of her husband’s innocence also slowly made it hard to breathe.
“I-I don’t know what to say,” Yoona choked, her breath coming up in short, rasping gasps. Her hands trembled as tears prickled her eyes and Sooyoung gently reached out to squeeze her arm once again. “All this time I’ve thought ill of my only true friend and - so this means that he-that Changmin had spoken the truth before he left. He’d left to get Kyuhyun home and-”
A wave of remorse overwhelmed her as she struggled to continue.
“Shh.” It was Kyuhyun, surprisingly, who came to console her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she began to openly cry. “Neither of us expected things to go this far. The three of us thought things would be fixed before the New Year but… I’m sorry, Yoona. Truly, I am.”
She sniffed into her sleeve in an unlady-like fashion, cracking a smile when the couple chuckled kindly in unison. Warmth filled her heart as her long-lost friends gathered on either side of her to comfort her; their smiles open and true. It’d been awhile since she felt safe outside of the family. To be around her friends-real friends-was something she’d truly missed.
If I had listened back then when Changmin had tried to explain that night-then maybe I wouldn’t felt so alone.
Yoona’s lip quivered at the thought, suddenly guilty. She bowed her head, hiding her face as tears surfaced behind her eyelids. “You have nothing to feel sorry for, Kyuhyun,” she said, squeezing the hand Kyuhyun held, “All I want is the truth and you’ve given me at least half of it. I’m more than grateful for your telling me at any time.”
If he noticed her trembles, Kyuhyun did not give her away. Instead he simply nodded and gently squeezed her hand back. “You’ll need to hear the rest from Changmin.” He told her seriously, forcing her to look at him directly.
Yoona nodded curtly, her heart aching as the sudden image of her husband and Victoria laughing earlier that day sprung into her mind. “Yes, I should, shouldn’t I? He owes me that much.” she started, taking a deep breath. She thanked the Lord that her voice held none of the uneasiness she felt inside.
“Have you spoken to him at all?” Sooyoung pushed on, unfortunately not as convinced as she had hoped her friend would be.
“Yes. About the farm and such.”
Sooyoung cracked a smile at this, brighter and much less forced before shaking her head. She didn’t mean about business of course, but it seemed like Yoona didn’t want to allude to it by herself. “We don’t mean that, Yoong. We meant about China. Has he come to you to explain yet?”
“Well… no.” Yoona sighed a bit later and in blatant defeat, too tired to pretend she wasn’t affected any longer. With her happily-married friends stared down at with twin all-knowing smirks, her secret contempt for her husband’s fair friend was most likely going to reveal itself sooner rather than later. She huffed in frustration, a dark blush coloring her cheeks. “But it isn’t like we’ve had the time to speak alone either.”
“And why not?”
“Because,” she started, pursing her lip. How could she possibly explain the anxiety she felt every time her husband was near? How could she put into the words the combined joy and pain that consumed her heart with every light touch and warm glance he sent her way? Yoona wrung her hands out in front of her and sighed, biting the inside of her cheek. “He’s too busy-showing that woman-Victoria-around the estate. I don’t want to intrude.”
Sooyoung let out a guffaw at her obviously jealous tone and rolled her eyes as Yoona threw her an angry look. “You’re his wife. It’s your business to intrude.”
“Am I still? Or is that only on paper?” she retorted, feeling the pain awash her once again as her back hit the cushions behind her. Yoona shook her head, regretting the bitter words that stumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them.
It wasn’t her place to feel this way. It’d been years.
“It’s alright to be jealous.” Sooyoung offered, reaching over to clasp her friend’s trembling hands once again as her own husband to the free seat next to her.
They shared a look of distress over Yoona’s hunched figure, knowing all too well that they had burdened their friends with this situation by involving in their own issues half a decade ago. Kyuhyun would take everything back if he could. He would have never left for the war if he had had the courage to ask Sooyoung to be his wife sooner. If he had not been captured and if Changmin had not gone after him to China to help. If he could take back all of these-then perhaps their lives would be different.
Kyuhyun watched his son waddle towards them with a big, toothy smile. His little arm holding a worn teddy bear out towards Yoona as he clambered over to where they sat, wrapping his free hand onto where Sooyoung’s hand covered her friend’s and squeezed. A wave of affection rushed through him at that small act and he knew that as much as he would want to change the past, he also did not regret it.
His son, Jiyoung, had been born throughout all of this healthy and happy, and Kyuhyun had only Changmin’s efforts to thank. And if he could (and he would), Kyuhyun was only so very willing to repay his debts tenfold.
And so he began with soothing words, brushing a hand back and forth over his best friend’s wife’s back: “You love Changmin. You love your husband - you always have. None of us are blind not to see it, Yoona. You wouldn’t have reacted so extremely to his supposed betrayal with my wife or to his relations with Miss Song if you didn’t feel any ounce of love for him. It’s alright to be jealous. You love him too much to pretend otherwise.”
Her breath choked with emotion as she shook her head violently. “But, he-he’ll only leave again.”
“Why do you believe so adamantly that your marriage isn’t going to work?” Kyuhyun argued, moving quickly to shake her now with both hands. Yoona’s eyes were filled with tears as she stared back at him and he faltered slightly at the sight. She looked so broken, so sad. Nothing like the strong woman he knew Changmin has loved all these years.
“I believe it so because he left without as much a note by our bedside!” She yelled, pulling away from him and standing up-startling the child resting against her best friend’s arms. Her hands immediately flew to calm the boy as tears threatened to spill from her eyes, refusing to show any more weakness than what she already had. Her words come even softer as she continued, drained of energy to argue, “He’ll only leave again. He’s just waiting for the right time to give me the divorce papers himself.”
“Changmin loves you, Yoona,” Sooyoung said, ignoring the slight protest in Yoona’s stance as they both stood up and Yoona stepped away from her and her son, “I don’t know why you won’t let yourself believe it, but he does. And you love him. Love is simple, Yoona.”
“It is not! How could he possibly love me after-” Yoona replied, stopping short as a wave of pain took over. Sooyoung reeled back at her outburst and rightfully so. She paced around with her arms wrapped around herself; her mind flitting towards happier, water-colored times where a bundle used to lay in her arms and she’d hum happily to it.
She’d been so happy then, and so had Changmin. They were happy and then they were not. And it was her fault. It was.
She had to let him go. She must.
“He doesn’t love me. How could he? I’m a horrible person! I don’t deserve it!”
It was Kyuhyun, this time, who stood up to try to appease her. “You don’t mean that, Yoona!” he said, attempting to pull her back with his hands on her arms. She remained unmoving from her place, staring out into the window as dark clouds cast gloom over the night sky.
“Yes, I do.” Yoona replied, drained of all energy. “And no matter how much I want to deny it, I know I don’t deserve anything after what I’ve done.”
Kyuhyun’s hands stiffened as her words settled in the room. His heart reached out for her as he took a step back and looked helplessly at his wife’s eyes. The three of them stood motionless as he tried once again, “Yoona… It was an accident.”
“Changmin deserves someone who can give him children.” Yoona said with such a finality that it threatened to tear another wound in her soul. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, imagining what soft, slanting doe eyes would look like now if only her daughter had lived.
Her words are riddled with regret and guilt and when she finally says them, with her hand on the door and her back turned, the pain ebbs harsher even more:
“He deserves someone who won’t kill his child.”
~*~*~*~*~
“I wasn’t sure if I were ever to see you again, Miss Yoona.”
Minho said this in a quieter way than she’d come to expect of him; tenderly as though he was afraid of scaring her off. Yoona had to smile at this, at least, and be thankful of his kindness. It wasn’t customary for a man to respond to a woman who had already inadvertently rejected him. Especially not one who was still married and still so very in love with her wayward husband.
Her fingers tightened around the stem of her wine glass, her gaze glassy as she considered him and took a long sip. Minho moved to do the same, watching with kind eyes as she drank her fill. The wine warming them both in a way that neither how they wanted. He wanted the warmth of her skin and her love; while she wanted the heat brought by security and a pair of arms that were long and muscled and not Minho’s.
He sighed bitterly at the thought and drank again, watching her still as her eyes looked on past him. Distracted.
“I’m sorry. For how I left things.” She offered after a long while, glancing down at her empty glass just as Minho waved for the bar tender to pour her more wine. She watched as the liquid swirled and filled her glass, entranced by the rich red-violet color. She had gone through four glasses when he arrived at the bar and now counted two more since he’d sat with her quietly. “I’m sure you know how I feel. At least, as much as I’ve allowed you to know. But I am obviously not over with…”
Minho smiled at this, it was harsh on his sad face but he smiled nonetheless. He understood and that was all she really needed from him. “Yes. Yes, I know.”
“I must look a fright to you.” Yoona mused humorlessly. “I am so tired, Minho. I don’t know what to do.”
“You move on, I suppose.” Minho replied, moving to lean closer to touch one of her hands. She doesn’t move away when he does and it takes everything in him not to continue and gather her in his arms. “I think it’s best if you do. If you try-really try-to move forward.”
“How can I?” She asked, “When I love him so much?”
Minho’s heart broke even further at her words but he’d long since accepted it since he’d found out her husband had returned. But what little comfort he could bring was all he had and he was adamant on giving her what he could with his time with her. If he couldn’t have his happiness, he wanted nothing more than for her to have hers.
His voice is gravelly when he finally replied: “You know how, Yoona. I’m sure.”
Yoona wondered how it looked like from another’s perspective-to see her drinking her sorrows away with another man that was not her husband. With his one hand over hers and the other dancing across her cheek, so close they could be mistaken for kissing. It would feed the gossip mongers’ appetites for sure, she thought with a slight wince, the family will be so dishonored. Her thoughts swirled.
What would Mother think? What would Father?
She closed her eyes and felt the familiar pinpricks under her eyes. What would Changmin?
And so she moved to tilt her head away from Minho, much to his dismay and drank again-up to the very last drop before turning back to drop a pitiful, apologetic kiss on his cheek.
“I’d like to go home” is all she says to him afterwards and Minho does nothing more than nod.