finally, a short break
Even though a lot has happened, I haven't felt like writing for a month. It's been more than a month since my dad passed away. I feel like a lot has changed, and yet not. It doesn't help that I've been at school for most of this time. It's been really hard to deal with everything...things that normally make me nervous (like being put on the spot at rehearsal, or having to play solo, or conduct the band) got to be so much more difficult, and I just feel tired all the time. Every day I feel dizzy and lightheaded, and sometimes my chest hurts. I was told to drink more water.
On the other hand, despite everything being so tough, I feel like I made some major accomplishments. I was able to play in the Symphony Band concert even though it was in the middle of all this crap, and I feel like I played really well, all things considered. I also played in several other concerts and did okay. The grad students in the percussion studio tell me that I'm improving a lot, and that I'm really starting to get some great sounds. Having people who know what they're talking about tell me that I'm playing well makes me feel really really good. My conducting teacher, who conducts the symphony orchestra at Rutgers, also told me that he thinks I'm doing exceptionally well in the class. I'm also getting pretty decent grades in my more academic classes; I managed to get an A- on the Japanese Painting midterm, which was the hardest and most unfair test ever. She said she was really impressed with me.
I don't know why I can't just be more proud of all these things. You would think that my writing about them would mean that I am very proud of myself, but for some reason, it's not happening. I am working on it though. I need to realize that it's okay to say good things about yourself; that it isn't necessarily being arrogant or haughty to say that you are talented or smart or something. Pretty much all of my friends at school, in one context or another, have been telling me that I need to assert myself more, and be more confident. I am trying really hard though. I deliberately picked classes this year that would force me to get up in front of people and perform under pressure, and I'm doing things I never would have imagined that I could...like conduct a group of my peers, or improvise on the marimba for a class of 30-some people and get paid for it. At the very least, I can say without a doubt that I continually do things I previously thought were near impossible. That's something to be proud of.
I really miss my dad. It's starting to get a little less frequent now, but for the last few weeks, I would think of him at least 3 times a day for small reasons, and then have to remember that he's not here anymore. I always say something like "oh my dad does this and that...oh. yeah." and then feel sad when I remember that he isn't coming back. I haven't been talking about it much with people because I don't want to just dump my problems on other people, if I can help it. Several people at school told me that I should call them whenever I need someone to talk to. I feel a little guilty for this, but I've been confiding more in people that I barely know, instead of people that I've known for years. Why is that? I might be afraid to admit to my really close friends that something is terribly wrong. But at the same time, shouldn't I be sharing my most important moments with them, even if they aren't positive?
I have another annoying crush at school. He plays percussion with me in the band and the orchestra. I want to just get it over with and tell him that I like him, but he probably already knows how I feel, so I'm not exactly sure what the point of a confession like that would be. When I describe his behavior towards me and the things he's said, people say that it's really really likely that he likes me a lot, but at the same time, I haven't been able to successfully invite him to any friendly get-togethers of any kind. I know he's terribly busy, so what is it I even want from him? I don't know. I just know that he makes me feel happy when he's around...except in rehearsal, where I feel a bit nervous and shy, because I don't want him to think that I suck. It's funny though, because Mika tells me I've been playing at a higher level than he has...
I wish I had a boyfriend to have fun with. I don't expect anyone to fix anything in my life, because I know that only I can do that. I just want to spend time around someone that I like.
At last I feel like I sort of have a group that I can belong to on a regular basis. I'm not technically in the percussion studio, and in previous years I've always felt that I didn't have a right to be hanging around them too much, but the particular group of people here is a lot smaller than it used to be, and everyone is really friendly. They invite me to things, and we have a really great time together, and the grad students sometimes help me with things or give me pointers. It makes me really happy to feel somewhat included in their group, because they don't make such a huge distinction between themselves and me. The percussion teacher at Rutgers left last year, and the new one isn't here all the time, but he's incredibly kind, and has a completely different approach. He even offered to give me some informal lessons sometime. I need to be a little more aggressive about pursuing them, actually. But I think the general attitude of the studio shifted a little bit, and I definitely feel more comfortable around them now. I would even consider almost all of them good friends at this point. :) I like it a lot.
On the other hand, despite everything being so tough, I feel like I made some major accomplishments. I was able to play in the Symphony Band concert even though it was in the middle of all this crap, and I feel like I played really well, all things considered. I also played in several other concerts and did okay. The grad students in the percussion studio tell me that I'm improving a lot, and that I'm really starting to get some great sounds. Having people who know what they're talking about tell me that I'm playing well makes me feel really really good. My conducting teacher, who conducts the symphony orchestra at Rutgers, also told me that he thinks I'm doing exceptionally well in the class. I'm also getting pretty decent grades in my more academic classes; I managed to get an A- on the Japanese Painting midterm, which was the hardest and most unfair test ever. She said she was really impressed with me.
I don't know why I can't just be more proud of all these things. You would think that my writing about them would mean that I am very proud of myself, but for some reason, it's not happening. I am working on it though. I need to realize that it's okay to say good things about yourself; that it isn't necessarily being arrogant or haughty to say that you are talented or smart or something. Pretty much all of my friends at school, in one context or another, have been telling me that I need to assert myself more, and be more confident. I am trying really hard though. I deliberately picked classes this year that would force me to get up in front of people and perform under pressure, and I'm doing things I never would have imagined that I could...like conduct a group of my peers, or improvise on the marimba for a class of 30-some people and get paid for it. At the very least, I can say without a doubt that I continually do things I previously thought were near impossible. That's something to be proud of.
I really miss my dad. It's starting to get a little less frequent now, but for the last few weeks, I would think of him at least 3 times a day for small reasons, and then have to remember that he's not here anymore. I always say something like "oh my dad does this and that...oh. yeah." and then feel sad when I remember that he isn't coming back. I haven't been talking about it much with people because I don't want to just dump my problems on other people, if I can help it. Several people at school told me that I should call them whenever I need someone to talk to. I feel a little guilty for this, but I've been confiding more in people that I barely know, instead of people that I've known for years. Why is that? I might be afraid to admit to my really close friends that something is terribly wrong. But at the same time, shouldn't I be sharing my most important moments with them, even if they aren't positive?
I have another annoying crush at school. He plays percussion with me in the band and the orchestra. I want to just get it over with and tell him that I like him, but he probably already knows how I feel, so I'm not exactly sure what the point of a confession like that would be. When I describe his behavior towards me and the things he's said, people say that it's really really likely that he likes me a lot, but at the same time, I haven't been able to successfully invite him to any friendly get-togethers of any kind. I know he's terribly busy, so what is it I even want from him? I don't know. I just know that he makes me feel happy when he's around...except in rehearsal, where I feel a bit nervous and shy, because I don't want him to think that I suck. It's funny though, because Mika tells me I've been playing at a higher level than he has...
I wish I had a boyfriend to have fun with. I don't expect anyone to fix anything in my life, because I know that only I can do that. I just want to spend time around someone that I like.
At last I feel like I sort of have a group that I can belong to on a regular basis. I'm not technically in the percussion studio, and in previous years I've always felt that I didn't have a right to be hanging around them too much, but the particular group of people here is a lot smaller than it used to be, and everyone is really friendly. They invite me to things, and we have a really great time together, and the grad students sometimes help me with things or give me pointers. It makes me really happy to feel somewhat included in their group, because they don't make such a huge distinction between themselves and me. The percussion teacher at Rutgers left last year, and the new one isn't here all the time, but he's incredibly kind, and has a completely different approach. He even offered to give me some informal lessons sometime. I need to be a little more aggressive about pursuing them, actually. But I think the general attitude of the studio shifted a little bit, and I definitely feel more comfortable around them now. I would even consider almost all of them good friends at this point. :) I like it a lot.