hello? or goodbye?
Right now my dad is in a medically induced coma, because he had a heart attack last night and the people at the hospital gave him drugs to basically freeze everything for two days, in the hopes of preventing the terrible brain damage that can occur when you have a serious heart attack. Nobody seems to have a particularly optimistic outlook for what's going to happen, and yet I am told not to just give up. My mother called me at 8am this morning to tell me to come home, basically turning my world upside down and bringing my whole life to a complete halt. I rather feel like we're in a sort of time warp, since nothing seems like it's going to matter until Thursday when they try to take him out of the coma. We refuse to plan what's going to happen past Thursday. I guess it's because we don't want to deal with the idea of him not coming back.
I found out last week that my Japanese host father passed away over the summer. Last week, that was the closest family member I have ever lost. Now a week later, I'm being told that my father is probably dead. I haven't spoken to my dad in like 10 days. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that the last thing I will have ever said to him is just "love you! see you later!" while closing the car door. What are we going to do without him?
I guess this all feels especially painful to me because I just finally got around to really liking my dad, and really feeling like I have a real dad, instead of an alcoholic monster living in our house. Since I joined the Philharmonic of Southern New Jersey, because I had to come home every week I got to spend at least an hour every week in the car with my dad. A lot of our conversations were either about what was going on at school with me, or my dad reminiscing about his own college days, or telling me about his various part-time jobs, youthful pursuits, or science topics relating to how stuff works, or how stuff is made. Sometimes I would just smile and listen, sometimes dozing off a little bit, but I think that we bonded a lot over those car ride conversations. Even in the last year or so I was noticing how nice it was to be able to just talk and be happy together, and told myself to appreciate these good times we were having together. He even took me to Friendly's last time he drove me home, and it was even just to take me to Reuben and Leela's apartment. "Mr. Mom's Taxi, whenever you need it." I used to really dislike my dad. I even said a few times that I hated him. And it's really just not fair that right when I really started to think "gee, I really love my dad," this has to happen.
Still, my roommate chided me, "well, he's not dead yet, you know." I guess that's true. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, or the day after that, much less the days after that. I feel like it's unfair to grieve ahead of time, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much either if they're just going to be crushed. I cried pretty much all day anyway, though. I really want him to make it. I really want him to come to my graduation and see that I really am a good student and a smart and talented person. Mom says that he always knew that. I wish he would have said so.
I found out last week that my Japanese host father passed away over the summer. Last week, that was the closest family member I have ever lost. Now a week later, I'm being told that my father is probably dead. I haven't spoken to my dad in like 10 days. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that the last thing I will have ever said to him is just "love you! see you later!" while closing the car door. What are we going to do without him?
I guess this all feels especially painful to me because I just finally got around to really liking my dad, and really feeling like I have a real dad, instead of an alcoholic monster living in our house. Since I joined the Philharmonic of Southern New Jersey, because I had to come home every week I got to spend at least an hour every week in the car with my dad. A lot of our conversations were either about what was going on at school with me, or my dad reminiscing about his own college days, or telling me about his various part-time jobs, youthful pursuits, or science topics relating to how stuff works, or how stuff is made. Sometimes I would just smile and listen, sometimes dozing off a little bit, but I think that we bonded a lot over those car ride conversations. Even in the last year or so I was noticing how nice it was to be able to just talk and be happy together, and told myself to appreciate these good times we were having together. He even took me to Friendly's last time he drove me home, and it was even just to take me to Reuben and Leela's apartment. "Mr. Mom's Taxi, whenever you need it." I used to really dislike my dad. I even said a few times that I hated him. And it's really just not fair that right when I really started to think "gee, I really love my dad," this has to happen.
Still, my roommate chided me, "well, he's not dead yet, you know." I guess that's true. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, or the day after that, much less the days after that. I feel like it's unfair to grieve ahead of time, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much either if they're just going to be crushed. I cried pretty much all day anyway, though. I really want him to make it. I really want him to come to my graduation and see that I really am a good student and a smart and talented person. Mom says that he always knew that. I wish he would have said so.