[exo] cold city light
title: cold city light
pairing: baekhyun/kris (past!kris/luhan, super past!kris/suho)
word count: 3,043 words
rating: R
summary: Baekhyun was Yifan’s best dongsaeng ever but all Baekhyun wanted to be was more than that.
notes: i am beyond giving a damn anymooooore. didn't beta as always. i'm just going to leave this here and cry in the corner because krisbaek. (crossposted from artistalks)
cold city light
For quite some time
I gradually started to change my mind
To begin to hurt alone,
From that time, whenever I see you cry
I hated the guy who made you cry so much.
The room was filled with silver lights nearly grey and lifeless filtering through the windows of the apartment. It was almost two in the morning and the winter air was seeping in, a little speck of yellow from the fluorescent in the bathroom, but other than that, everything was in monochrome.
Yifan had the heels of his palms pushing back on his eyes, he sat on the bed, the screen of his phone blinked disgustingly at him on the floor after receiving the call of his life. There were suitcases outside and a box of things he would never dare touch.
He never thought this day would really come. He didn’t want to believe that Luhan would break up with him; even the mere thought of it gave him a hefty headache. He thought they could fix it, maybe talk things through. But no, Luhan left him. And he did it over the phone. Over the fucking phone.
Yifan’s too tired to cry, or it just hasn’t sunken in yet. Reality hadn’t caught up to him, hadn’t slapped him in the face yet.
He went through everything he knows. Just a short recap.
Luhan already had his things packed and ready in the living room.
Luhan told him he’d ask someone to get his things for him tomorrow.
Luhan said he can’t take it anymore.
Luhan didn’t love him like he used to, some things changed.
Luhan muttered an apology he felt was half-assed.
But most of all, Luhan wasn’t his anymore, Luhan found someone else.
Great. He raked his fingers through his hair. Just great.
--
Baekhyun received a call at two am. He rolled around the bed, scrambling to find his phone while he cussed at the stupid ringtone. “Hello?” He greeted voice thick with sleep.
“Baek.” He knew who called without checking the caller ID. Yifan’s voice was distinct and so was the sniffling he did on the other line. “Baek, can you come over?”
Baekhyun frowned and glanced at his beside clock. It glared 2:15 am at his face. “What’s up, hyung? Kind of late, don’t you think? I need to catch up on my beauty sleep if you don’t mind.”
“It’s-I just-I. Just come over, would you?”
Baekhyun sighed through the receiver, “Okay, be there in thirty.”
---
The door creaked open; a smudge of yellow colored the dark room and Baekhyun peeked through. “Hyung,”
“Oh, you’re here.”
“Are you hungry?” And yeah Yifan thought, but he was too miserable to be hungry. Too empty to be hungry. Yifan turned around to look at Baekhyun, the younger man held onto the wooden door frame tightly, and Yifan chose to wipe that worried look of his face. He was the one suffering; he shouldn’t drag Baekhyun into this.
He hummed in acquiesce and kicked the sheets off the bed. Baekhyun smiled a little. “What’d you get?”
“I have two gallons of ice cream, pistachio for you and chocolate for you and me!” Baekhyun pulled open the fridge to store one of the tubs. “Fresh from the convenience store from across the street! I also brought over The Nymph, you kept whining about wanting to go see it so I asked Jongdae to lend me his copy.” Baekhyun’s giddiness at three am hit Yifan as unnerving, nobody should be enthusiastic at this ungodly time. But he needs the sunshine.
Baekhyun squinted at him as they settled onto Yifan’s couch, Baekhyun’s feet immediately folding underneath him. “Where’s Luhan hyung?”
Yifan shifted his gaze at Baekhyun and with his puffy eyes and languid movements, he kinda got the idea. Not just that but he saw suitcases right next to the bedroom door.
Baekhyun wanted to hug him, like he always did when his hyung was in a rough time, he doesn’t though. Opting to watch the older man to slide in a DVD and stared silently at the opening credits.
“He broke up with me.” Yifan said, which startled Baekhyun after an hour of watching in silence. Screams of the characters echoed through the empty apartment as Baekhyun waited for Yifan to continue.
“I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while. He broke up with me through a phone call. Told me he had someone else for awhile now. I feel so stupid.” Baekhyun watched as Yifan pushed out the words, there was not much emotion, only hollowness.
Baekhyun’s heart throbbed painfully in his chest as he ushered Yifan’s head onto his shoulders. “I really loved him, Baek. I don’t know what I did wrong.”
“Don’t blame yourself.” You’re perfect just the way you are. Baekhyun carded his fingers through Yifan’s hair in a soothing way. “It’s not you, hyung. Don’t blame yourself.”
It took a few minutes before Yifan fell asleep leaning against Baekhyun, their limbs intertwined. How many times did Baekhyun do this already? Four, maybe five? And how many times did Baekhyun die inside every time Yifan hurt like this? He already lost count.
If only Yifan looked at him differently. Things will never have to end this way.
Baekhyun slipped out of the apartment an hour later, whispering his goodbyes to a sleeping Yifan. The chocolate ice cream melted and forgotten on the coffee table.
--
Love’s a tricky thing. You fall in love with someone and they fall in love with someone else. It’s a shitty thing to live with although Baekhyun lived through it for eight years.
Baekhyun laughed at the painful recollection. He and Yifan had met in high school, with a cliché scenario. Baekhyun was rushing home when Yifan accidentally hit him with a basketball, sending Baekhyun’s scripts fluttering everywhere.
They became friends after Yifan helped him sort all his things instead of going back to his peers to carry on. (Maybe that’s what Baekhyun liked about him, he was nice.)
But then Kim Junmyeon and his four hundred and twenty three days happened. Baekhyun was a scriptwriter in the theatre club with Junmyeon as the club president and director.
Their D Day finally arrived and the play was completed remarkably with flying colors. Cheers and congratulations thrown around, some broke out into tears of joy but Baekhyun was the only one standing still across the backdoor amidst the entire ruckus.
Junmyeon pulled Yifan’s face down and kissed him in a way that made Baekhyun feel like he’d intruded on two lovers on another one of their trysts despite it wasn’t a tryst, it was a confession.
He could still hear the way Yifan broke away and laughed. He could still remember Yifan flashed his gummy smiles at Junmyeon before he asked him out on a date and Baekhyun had no idea why his chest was aching back then.
They were school mates, close acquaintances maybe? But it didn’t explain the aching he felt for a long time. Even until he watched as Yifan graduated high school with a smile, with his hands intertwined with Junmyeon’s, all the we finally did it on their tongues.
It was quickly over as he watched as Junmyeon broke up with Yifan a few weeks well into summer break and he was also the one who helped Yifan pick up his pieces, fingers at the sky tracing stars.
His heart was still hurting but a little less when Yifan said he would never love again. But there was Zitao and Yixing and Luhan, so there’s that.
Baekhyun hauled himself up and practiced his bubbly smile in the mirror before he left for work.
--
Yifan liked it when Baekhyun took him on rides to an open field away from the harsh city. So they did just that. The soft night breeze caressed their faces when they jumped out of Baekhyun’s truck.
Baekhyun pushed the sleeves of his jacket until they were brunched up on his elbows, quickly settling himself onto the cool grass. “Hyung,” he beckons the older man, patting the space next to him.
Yifan nods and takes his place beside Baekhyun. “We’ve never really done this in a while-stargazing, that is.”
The stars looked pretty above them. They’ve always been pretty. Yifan kind of forgot how they were. He had been blinded by Luhan’s beauty to actually come back to this place, to come back to the comfort of the stars.
“Do I have to ask you if you’re okay now?”
“That depends if you’re willing to take care of the wreckage after get I get hit by a freight train of emotions.” Yifan smiled. How could he have forgotten that Baekhyun also came with the stars?
“I promise you’d be good as new,” Baekhyun shifted on his side to face him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Yifan already told him how Luhan had broken up with him, the bitter taste of the words still thick on his tongue. He repeated the words, empty and hollow. Maybe for finality or maybe he still didn’t say it plenty enough for it to finally sunk in. “He broke up with me through a phone call.”
“Through a shitty phone call,” Baekhyun corrected him. “I’ve sat through your other post breakup mess of a self and Luhan did a number on you.”
“I proposed to him, how’d you think I feel?”
“Look on the bright side, you don’t need to drag me to Ikea for a baby crib or a new mattress.”
“Oh god, you are the worst.”
“Byun Baekhyun at you service!” he quipped, Yifan nudged him with an elbow. “Ow, your bones hurt.”
“Seriously, Baekhyun, thank you. Thanks for always being here with me, sitting through all the shit in my life.” Yifan leaned back onto the grass, hand finding Baekhyun’s. “You’re a great friend despite you constantly bitching about my hair. Thanks.”
“Only for you.” Baekhyun laughed, smacking Yifan’s shoulder. The stay there for a while, Baekhyun brought out a few cans of beer and some homemade kimchi. “How was work?”
“It was okay, as usual. Luhan didn’t file a resignation letter.”
“You stalked him?” Baekhyun asked incredulously.
“Nah,” Yifan said over his kimchi. “I passed by him in the halls sometimes, or in the cafeteria. It still fucking hurts. But, yeah. He’s still there.”
Baekhyun nodded as Yifan changed the topic to cars and other things. At least Yifan was starting to be okay. Even a little bit.
--
Christmas passed like a blur and it was already New Year’s Eve, Baekhyun sat in Yifan’s old couch with a cup of warm eggnogs in his hands.
“What’s on your mind?” He asked a dazed Yifan, sitting next to him.
“I have just been hit with this wonderful idea.”
“Do enlighten me.”
“Remember you were in the theatre club in high school?” oh Yifan stood up and grabbed Baekhyun by the wrists. “I know you do. Remember we used to make up little plays to help you write your script?”
Baekhyun frowned. “We’re too old for that.”
“No we’re not.”
“Yes we are.”
Yifan pulled him into a hug, he planted a kiss on Baekhyun’s head. “I know you love me.”
Baekhyun was stunned in place by the words that came from Yifan. His eyes began to swell with unshed tears and his heart throbbed in pain. “And I love you too.” Baekhyun knew it wasn’t intentional, that Yifan had meant it because they were friends.
Stop saying those things. You make me want to confess, to take the extra step and risk our friendship. Baekhyun’s hands trembled and Yifan leaned back and asked if he was cold. You make me want things I can never have.
There was a container for Baekhyun’s emotions and at that moment, it was overflowing. Baekhyun squirmed to get away, to shove the confession back down his throat, although it’s too late.
“I love you.” The words rolled from his tongue just as easily as his tears trickled down his cheeks. Yifan smiled at him, brushing away Baekhyun’s dark bangs. “I know.”
“No, no, no. Not that-not that way.” Baekhyun looked at him with imploring eyes, the same eyes that smiled at him when he told him Luhan said yes, the same ones that comforted him when he heard Luhan had cancelled the engagement and broken up with him through a shitty phone call in the middle of the night.
Now those hazel eyes were glassy and sad, something that Yifan never thought he’d see in Baekhyun. His brows furrowed in confusion.
“I’ve been watching you suffer.” Baekhyun continued and Yifan definitely remembered he had never seen Baekhyun this broken before. Baekhyun was synonymous to playful banters and late night chats that ended up into movie marathons in either one of their apartments.
Baekhyun took the pen and wrote his own script.
“I’ve been with you for too long and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve always wanted to tell you that I care for you too much. Not as your friend, not as your dongsaeng. Kris hyung, I-I like you. All these times, I tried to stop myself from confessing to you because I thought being your friend would be enough, as long as I’m forever by your side. But now, I don’t want to call you hyung, I want to call you Yifan, I want to call you mine, as cheesy as that is. Please, I’ve always been here by your side. I like you so much that it hurts me more to see you like this. Hyung, Yifan.”
“Kris. Wu Yifan. Hyung,” Baekhyun said in desperation and Yifan’s stupid and he didn’t say anything.
He watched Baekhyun’s heart break for the millionth time, and he thought the jarring pain in his own chest was out of sympathy. It’s not.
“Happy New Year then,” Baekhyun managed to say, holding back the I love you in his throat as he slammed the door behind him.
--
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Kyungsoo said. It was too early in the morning and Kyungsoo was already left to deal with Yifan’s shit. He didn’t spare him a glance as he took a sip of his morning coffee in the office.
“Wow, Soo. I’ve never heard you so vulgar like this.” Jongdae nodded while he skirted pass the two of them to get his share of coffee. “But yeah, you are an idiot.” He turned to Yifan with a disapproving shake of his head.
“Why am I the idiot?” Yifan asked, ready to defend himself from his two colleagues. They shared a look before clucking their tongues at him.
“You’ve been in love with Baekhyun your whole life you nitwit.”
“He’s like a little brother,” Yifan crossed his arms. Baekhyun’s confession replayed in his mind, the hurt look Baekhyun gave him when he didn’t answer stung his heart. He never saw Baekhyun like that. Baekhyun was his brother from another mother. His cute little dongsaeng.
Kyungsoo felt exhausted, the morning coffee hadn’t gotten through his system yet. “Kris,” He placed a hand on his shoulder, a soft look on his face. “You two are practically tied to the hip. You care a lot for Baekhyun.”
“Because he’s like a brother!”
“Fan, he’s right.” The three of them whipped their heads towards the door of the break room. Luhan leaned against the door frame, his hands crossed. “Nobody wants to be second best.”
“You weren’t second best Luhan.” The words slipped from his mouth rather brokenly.
Luhan merely shook his head like the other two. “I was. At first I thought it was because you really treated him as your brother, but as time went on I saw you put him before me. I was jealous, admittedly, which lead me to cheat and be a dick and that’s why I broke up with you. Couldn’t handle my conscience, okay?”
There was silence in the room, Jongdae and Kyungsoo stood frozen in their places while Yifan stared at Luhan with confusion. He wasn’t getting any of it. “Slap some sense back into yourself, stop focusing on me and get your shit together.”
Before Yifan could answer, Luhan was walking out of the room. Get your shit together.
--
Two weeks passed and Yifan saw himself falling into a mindless routine. Wake up, coffee, shower, work, order take out-worry about Baekhyun, mope about Luhan- sleep-lather, rinse and repeat.
It’s only when Yifan decided to open his fridge that he saw one of the ice cream tubs Baekhyun brought over from before with a little note on top that he decided to do something.
Ice cream to sweeten up the bitterness in your mouth!
-Byun Baek
--
Yifan rapped quickly at Baekhyun’s door, a plastic of goods in hand. He was going to do something, and something means gaining back his friendship with Baekhyun and possibly something more.
A few beats later, Baekhyun opened the door. He was surprised to see Yifan standing outside, his ugly mass of blond hair blown askew by the cold winter air. “What are you doing here?” Baekhyun asked, trying to inject venom in the words by hissing. It doesn’t faze Yifan.
“I don’t want to break your heart.” Yifan stared coolly at him.
Baekhyun’s soft laughter was laced with bitterness and vice concealed by the roars of engines coming from the TV in Baekhyun’s apartment. Yifan heard a hitch though. “Don’t worry, hyung. You can’t break something that’s already broken.”
“Yifan.”
“What?”
“Call me Yifan, like you’ve always wanted.” Baekhyun stepped back, hands falling limply onto his sides. What?
“I brought DVDs and three tubs of ice cream and I’d like to come inside.” Yifan tried to walk past Baekhyun and into the apartment but Baekhyun stopped him by the shoulder.
“Is this some kind of joke, hyung?” Baekhyun almost screamed.
“Yifan,” he corrected. “And what do you think this is?” When Baekhyun opened his mouth for a reply that’s barely processed, Yifan swiftly leaned down and planted a chaste kiss on his forehead.
“I have your favorite movies and ice cream. This is a date, now please let me in?”
“Ah-ah… Okay.”
pairing: baekhyun/kris (past!kris/luhan, super past!kris/suho)
word count: 3,043 words
rating: R
summary: Baekhyun was Yifan’s best dongsaeng ever but all Baekhyun wanted to be was more than that.
notes: i am beyond giving a damn anymooooore. didn't beta as always. i'm just going to leave this here and cry in the corner because krisbaek. (crossposted from artistalks)
cold city light
For quite some time
I gradually started to change my mind
To begin to hurt alone,
From that time, whenever I see you cry
I hated the guy who made you cry so much.
The room was filled with silver lights nearly grey and lifeless filtering through the windows of the apartment. It was almost two in the morning and the winter air was seeping in, a little speck of yellow from the fluorescent in the bathroom, but other than that, everything was in monochrome.
Yifan had the heels of his palms pushing back on his eyes, he sat on the bed, the screen of his phone blinked disgustingly at him on the floor after receiving the call of his life. There were suitcases outside and a box of things he would never dare touch.
He never thought this day would really come. He didn’t want to believe that Luhan would break up with him; even the mere thought of it gave him a hefty headache. He thought they could fix it, maybe talk things through. But no, Luhan left him. And he did it over the phone. Over the fucking phone.
Yifan’s too tired to cry, or it just hasn’t sunken in yet. Reality hadn’t caught up to him, hadn’t slapped him in the face yet.
He went through everything he knows. Just a short recap.
Luhan already had his things packed and ready in the living room.
Luhan told him he’d ask someone to get his things for him tomorrow.
Luhan said he can’t take it anymore.
Luhan didn’t love him like he used to, some things changed.
Luhan muttered an apology he felt was half-assed.
But most of all, Luhan wasn’t his anymore, Luhan found someone else.
Great. He raked his fingers through his hair. Just great.
--
Baekhyun received a call at two am. He rolled around the bed, scrambling to find his phone while he cussed at the stupid ringtone. “Hello?” He greeted voice thick with sleep.
“Baek.” He knew who called without checking the caller ID. Yifan’s voice was distinct and so was the sniffling he did on the other line. “Baek, can you come over?”
Baekhyun frowned and glanced at his beside clock. It glared 2:15 am at his face. “What’s up, hyung? Kind of late, don’t you think? I need to catch up on my beauty sleep if you don’t mind.”
“It’s-I just-I. Just come over, would you?”
Baekhyun sighed through the receiver, “Okay, be there in thirty.”
---
The door creaked open; a smudge of yellow colored the dark room and Baekhyun peeked through. “Hyung,”
“Oh, you’re here.”
“Are you hungry?” And yeah Yifan thought, but he was too miserable to be hungry. Too empty to be hungry. Yifan turned around to look at Baekhyun, the younger man held onto the wooden door frame tightly, and Yifan chose to wipe that worried look of his face. He was the one suffering; he shouldn’t drag Baekhyun into this.
He hummed in acquiesce and kicked the sheets off the bed. Baekhyun smiled a little. “What’d you get?”
“I have two gallons of ice cream, pistachio for you and chocolate for you and me!” Baekhyun pulled open the fridge to store one of the tubs. “Fresh from the convenience store from across the street! I also brought over The Nymph, you kept whining about wanting to go see it so I asked Jongdae to lend me his copy.” Baekhyun’s giddiness at three am hit Yifan as unnerving, nobody should be enthusiastic at this ungodly time. But he needs the sunshine.
Baekhyun squinted at him as they settled onto Yifan’s couch, Baekhyun’s feet immediately folding underneath him. “Where’s Luhan hyung?”
Yifan shifted his gaze at Baekhyun and with his puffy eyes and languid movements, he kinda got the idea. Not just that but he saw suitcases right next to the bedroom door.
Baekhyun wanted to hug him, like he always did when his hyung was in a rough time, he doesn’t though. Opting to watch the older man to slide in a DVD and stared silently at the opening credits.
“He broke up with me.” Yifan said, which startled Baekhyun after an hour of watching in silence. Screams of the characters echoed through the empty apartment as Baekhyun waited for Yifan to continue.
“I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while. He broke up with me through a phone call. Told me he had someone else for awhile now. I feel so stupid.” Baekhyun watched as Yifan pushed out the words, there was not much emotion, only hollowness.
Baekhyun’s heart throbbed painfully in his chest as he ushered Yifan’s head onto his shoulders. “I really loved him, Baek. I don’t know what I did wrong.”
“Don’t blame yourself.” You’re perfect just the way you are. Baekhyun carded his fingers through Yifan’s hair in a soothing way. “It’s not you, hyung. Don’t blame yourself.”
It took a few minutes before Yifan fell asleep leaning against Baekhyun, their limbs intertwined. How many times did Baekhyun do this already? Four, maybe five? And how many times did Baekhyun die inside every time Yifan hurt like this? He already lost count.
If only Yifan looked at him differently. Things will never have to end this way.
Baekhyun slipped out of the apartment an hour later, whispering his goodbyes to a sleeping Yifan. The chocolate ice cream melted and forgotten on the coffee table.
--
Love’s a tricky thing. You fall in love with someone and they fall in love with someone else. It’s a shitty thing to live with although Baekhyun lived through it for eight years.
Baekhyun laughed at the painful recollection. He and Yifan had met in high school, with a cliché scenario. Baekhyun was rushing home when Yifan accidentally hit him with a basketball, sending Baekhyun’s scripts fluttering everywhere.
They became friends after Yifan helped him sort all his things instead of going back to his peers to carry on. (Maybe that’s what Baekhyun liked about him, he was nice.)
But then Kim Junmyeon and his four hundred and twenty three days happened. Baekhyun was a scriptwriter in the theatre club with Junmyeon as the club president and director.
Their D Day finally arrived and the play was completed remarkably with flying colors. Cheers and congratulations thrown around, some broke out into tears of joy but Baekhyun was the only one standing still across the backdoor amidst the entire ruckus.
Junmyeon pulled Yifan’s face down and kissed him in a way that made Baekhyun feel like he’d intruded on two lovers on another one of their trysts despite it wasn’t a tryst, it was a confession.
He could still hear the way Yifan broke away and laughed. He could still remember Yifan flashed his gummy smiles at Junmyeon before he asked him out on a date and Baekhyun had no idea why his chest was aching back then.
They were school mates, close acquaintances maybe? But it didn’t explain the aching he felt for a long time. Even until he watched as Yifan graduated high school with a smile, with his hands intertwined with Junmyeon’s, all the we finally did it on their tongues.
It was quickly over as he watched as Junmyeon broke up with Yifan a few weeks well into summer break and he was also the one who helped Yifan pick up his pieces, fingers at the sky tracing stars.
His heart was still hurting but a little less when Yifan said he would never love again. But there was Zitao and Yixing and Luhan, so there’s that.
Baekhyun hauled himself up and practiced his bubbly smile in the mirror before he left for work.
--
Yifan liked it when Baekhyun took him on rides to an open field away from the harsh city. So they did just that. The soft night breeze caressed their faces when they jumped out of Baekhyun’s truck.
Baekhyun pushed the sleeves of his jacket until they were brunched up on his elbows, quickly settling himself onto the cool grass. “Hyung,” he beckons the older man, patting the space next to him.
Yifan nods and takes his place beside Baekhyun. “We’ve never really done this in a while-stargazing, that is.”
The stars looked pretty above them. They’ve always been pretty. Yifan kind of forgot how they were. He had been blinded by Luhan’s beauty to actually come back to this place, to come back to the comfort of the stars.
“Do I have to ask you if you’re okay now?”
“That depends if you’re willing to take care of the wreckage after get I get hit by a freight train of emotions.” Yifan smiled. How could he have forgotten that Baekhyun also came with the stars?
“I promise you’d be good as new,” Baekhyun shifted on his side to face him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Yifan already told him how Luhan had broken up with him, the bitter taste of the words still thick on his tongue. He repeated the words, empty and hollow. Maybe for finality or maybe he still didn’t say it plenty enough for it to finally sunk in. “He broke up with me through a phone call.”
“Through a shitty phone call,” Baekhyun corrected him. “I’ve sat through your other post breakup mess of a self and Luhan did a number on you.”
“I proposed to him, how’d you think I feel?”
“Look on the bright side, you don’t need to drag me to Ikea for a baby crib or a new mattress.”
“Oh god, you are the worst.”
“Byun Baekhyun at you service!” he quipped, Yifan nudged him with an elbow. “Ow, your bones hurt.”
“Seriously, Baekhyun, thank you. Thanks for always being here with me, sitting through all the shit in my life.” Yifan leaned back onto the grass, hand finding Baekhyun’s. “You’re a great friend despite you constantly bitching about my hair. Thanks.”
“Only for you.” Baekhyun laughed, smacking Yifan’s shoulder. The stay there for a while, Baekhyun brought out a few cans of beer and some homemade kimchi. “How was work?”
“It was okay, as usual. Luhan didn’t file a resignation letter.”
“You stalked him?” Baekhyun asked incredulously.
“Nah,” Yifan said over his kimchi. “I passed by him in the halls sometimes, or in the cafeteria. It still fucking hurts. But, yeah. He’s still there.”
Baekhyun nodded as Yifan changed the topic to cars and other things. At least Yifan was starting to be okay. Even a little bit.
--
Christmas passed like a blur and it was already New Year’s Eve, Baekhyun sat in Yifan’s old couch with a cup of warm eggnogs in his hands.
“What’s on your mind?” He asked a dazed Yifan, sitting next to him.
“I have just been hit with this wonderful idea.”
“Do enlighten me.”
“Remember you were in the theatre club in high school?” oh Yifan stood up and grabbed Baekhyun by the wrists. “I know you do. Remember we used to make up little plays to help you write your script?”
Baekhyun frowned. “We’re too old for that.”
“No we’re not.”
“Yes we are.”
Yifan pulled him into a hug, he planted a kiss on Baekhyun’s head. “I know you love me.”
Baekhyun was stunned in place by the words that came from Yifan. His eyes began to swell with unshed tears and his heart throbbed in pain. “And I love you too.” Baekhyun knew it wasn’t intentional, that Yifan had meant it because they were friends.
Stop saying those things. You make me want to confess, to take the extra step and risk our friendship. Baekhyun’s hands trembled and Yifan leaned back and asked if he was cold. You make me want things I can never have.
There was a container for Baekhyun’s emotions and at that moment, it was overflowing. Baekhyun squirmed to get away, to shove the confession back down his throat, although it’s too late.
“I love you.” The words rolled from his tongue just as easily as his tears trickled down his cheeks. Yifan smiled at him, brushing away Baekhyun’s dark bangs. “I know.”
“No, no, no. Not that-not that way.” Baekhyun looked at him with imploring eyes, the same eyes that smiled at him when he told him Luhan said yes, the same ones that comforted him when he heard Luhan had cancelled the engagement and broken up with him through a shitty phone call in the middle of the night.
Now those hazel eyes were glassy and sad, something that Yifan never thought he’d see in Baekhyun. His brows furrowed in confusion.
“I’ve been watching you suffer.” Baekhyun continued and Yifan definitely remembered he had never seen Baekhyun this broken before. Baekhyun was synonymous to playful banters and late night chats that ended up into movie marathons in either one of their apartments.
Baekhyun took the pen and wrote his own script.
“I’ve been with you for too long and I can’t take it anymore. I’ve always wanted to tell you that I care for you too much. Not as your friend, not as your dongsaeng. Kris hyung, I-I like you. All these times, I tried to stop myself from confessing to you because I thought being your friend would be enough, as long as I’m forever by your side. But now, I don’t want to call you hyung, I want to call you Yifan, I want to call you mine, as cheesy as that is. Please, I’ve always been here by your side. I like you so much that it hurts me more to see you like this. Hyung, Yifan.”
“Kris. Wu Yifan. Hyung,” Baekhyun said in desperation and Yifan’s stupid and he didn’t say anything.
He watched Baekhyun’s heart break for the millionth time, and he thought the jarring pain in his own chest was out of sympathy. It’s not.
“Happy New Year then,” Baekhyun managed to say, holding back the I love you in his throat as he slammed the door behind him.
--
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Kyungsoo said. It was too early in the morning and Kyungsoo was already left to deal with Yifan’s shit. He didn’t spare him a glance as he took a sip of his morning coffee in the office.
“Wow, Soo. I’ve never heard you so vulgar like this.” Jongdae nodded while he skirted pass the two of them to get his share of coffee. “But yeah, you are an idiot.” He turned to Yifan with a disapproving shake of his head.
“Why am I the idiot?” Yifan asked, ready to defend himself from his two colleagues. They shared a look before clucking their tongues at him.
“You’ve been in love with Baekhyun your whole life you nitwit.”
“He’s like a little brother,” Yifan crossed his arms. Baekhyun’s confession replayed in his mind, the hurt look Baekhyun gave him when he didn’t answer stung his heart. He never saw Baekhyun like that. Baekhyun was his brother from another mother. His cute little dongsaeng.
Kyungsoo felt exhausted, the morning coffee hadn’t gotten through his system yet. “Kris,” He placed a hand on his shoulder, a soft look on his face. “You two are practically tied to the hip. You care a lot for Baekhyun.”
“Because he’s like a brother!”
“Fan, he’s right.” The three of them whipped their heads towards the door of the break room. Luhan leaned against the door frame, his hands crossed. “Nobody wants to be second best.”
“You weren’t second best Luhan.” The words slipped from his mouth rather brokenly.
Luhan merely shook his head like the other two. “I was. At first I thought it was because you really treated him as your brother, but as time went on I saw you put him before me. I was jealous, admittedly, which lead me to cheat and be a dick and that’s why I broke up with you. Couldn’t handle my conscience, okay?”
There was silence in the room, Jongdae and Kyungsoo stood frozen in their places while Yifan stared at Luhan with confusion. He wasn’t getting any of it. “Slap some sense back into yourself, stop focusing on me and get your shit together.”
Before Yifan could answer, Luhan was walking out of the room. Get your shit together.
--
Two weeks passed and Yifan saw himself falling into a mindless routine. Wake up, coffee, shower, work, order take out-worry about Baekhyun, mope about Luhan- sleep-lather, rinse and repeat.
It’s only when Yifan decided to open his fridge that he saw one of the ice cream tubs Baekhyun brought over from before with a little note on top that he decided to do something.
Ice cream to sweeten up the bitterness in your mouth!
-Byun Baek
--
Yifan rapped quickly at Baekhyun’s door, a plastic of goods in hand. He was going to do something, and something means gaining back his friendship with Baekhyun and possibly something more.
A few beats later, Baekhyun opened the door. He was surprised to see Yifan standing outside, his ugly mass of blond hair blown askew by the cold winter air. “What are you doing here?” Baekhyun asked, trying to inject venom in the words by hissing. It doesn’t faze Yifan.
“I don’t want to break your heart.” Yifan stared coolly at him.
Baekhyun’s soft laughter was laced with bitterness and vice concealed by the roars of engines coming from the TV in Baekhyun’s apartment. Yifan heard a hitch though. “Don’t worry, hyung. You can’t break something that’s already broken.”
“Yifan.”
“What?”
“Call me Yifan, like you’ve always wanted.” Baekhyun stepped back, hands falling limply onto his sides. What?
“I brought DVDs and three tubs of ice cream and I’d like to come inside.” Yifan tried to walk past Baekhyun and into the apartment but Baekhyun stopped him by the shoulder.
“Is this some kind of joke, hyung?” Baekhyun almost screamed.
“Yifan,” he corrected. “And what do you think this is?” When Baekhyun opened his mouth for a reply that’s barely processed, Yifan swiftly leaned down and planted a chaste kiss on his forehead.
“I have your favorite movies and ice cream. This is a date, now please let me in?”
“Ah-ah… Okay.”