(no subject)
Ok so this post here of mine will be a bit more then just my day. I'm just going to recap for you all some past events in my life that have happened recently. Cause, well I don't know really! hehe. It will save whomever wants to check out my blogs the time of having to go through serveral blogs to see how things have been :) If you don't feel like reading a long dragged out sobfest then ignore this post of mine. As it will discuss the problems in my life mainly and a few pros in it.
PS: Sorry for any spelling and grammer errors this will have. You have no clue how tired, exhuasted I am. Feeling like you don't give a damn either dosn't help those two. Please if you will, please comment on my entry here if you bother reading it. That way I don't feel I wasted half my night typing this and doing other pointless things.
Downhill Style.
Ok first off and most importantly. At this current time in my life, I hate it!!! I can't describe how much I suck, really its true. None of my friends seem to think so, but then again they aren't me. I've been too stupid to reliaze I hopped on the one way train to being a failure at life. You might think I would reliaze that before the train started up, but that wouldn't be the case here. I gradute in I believe seven weeks of school left....... I'm in the shape way or form ready to gradute. I've basically fluffed off my last two years of school, while tenth grade was just a small speedbump. I've basically bent myself backwords and f'ed myself the behind. Recently I got on some addrall which along with some will power has really helped me start doing better in school. Thing is it may help me gradute, but one marking period of good grades won't save me. I could get into one of the two community colleges here in town of course, but bleh.... I don't know how much more this ambition of mine can last. The Adderall has really been messing with me lately it seems. Basically my depression, rage, and aloneness I've felt previously in life for a while now have just felt ten thousand times worse. It may or may not be the drugs but it would seem to be. My brain has just been completly racked/over loaded too.
That Blasted Drug.
I was over at my friend Frank's house eariler too for a bit. As we were talking somehow me being on Addrall was brought up and he said "I don't like you on that stuff," and something else after that x.x I've noticed my personallity has changed a bit too, bleh. I asked if that was a good or bad thing and he didn't say. I can't pin point anything as a example for you guys, but I just feel wierd and sort of not me like. I've been generally tired too, feeling as I have little energy. Though thats more then likely due to me just not eating much anymore. Can't remember feeling that way, well the energyless part anytime before I got on Adderall. I've never been much of a sleeper and generally wake up tired and poopy feeling even if I get like eight-ten hours of sleep. The averge night I get like five-seven hours of sleep though tops. I was pulling all nighters during the weekend for a while couple of weeks/monthish ago. That could drastically affect my behavior and mood I'd say. I looked up major depression symptons online too, and I match 90% plus of it... Ya not cool. When I go bak to the doctor sometime within the next two to three weeks to tell him how the 30 mg's of Addrall are doing oppesed to the 20 I shall tell him that, and all this in this last paragraph. Maybe I can get some ridalene stuff instead.
Another sort thing which seems a bit out of the ordinary. Well before I go any farther to help varify/clean up some things possibly, I have been taking more then the one Addrall I'm supposed to a day. This isn't every day! Sometimes I forget to take the one in the morning so I just mix it in with the one the next day, or whenever I feel like taking it. It provides me
with a mind set of being in the game when I want to be. That and I tend to feel very happy early on in the day when I take enough. When I switched from the 20's to the 30's I got the thirtys a few days in advance leaving me with three or four twenty milligrams I hadn't used. So I took all those and a thrity and omg did I feel great. I was bouncing off the walls with
huper activity, the in the game mind set, I was extremly happy in which nothing could ruin that. Bleh now I don't even remember what I planned on saying in this paragraph at the start. Ok nevermind thought of it as I was editing this. Lately I've had a lump of crap that seems to be stuck in my throat whenever I run or it sometimes just appears. That and my
heart at times like when I seem to get nervous or angry jumps on me. It feels like it jumps on me... bleh. Can't describe it much more, other then my heart beat rate seems to gradully increase for a short period of time when it does that.
The Fork in The Road.
A thing that also bothers me is I have no clue in what direction/road I'm going to take in life. I know alot of people don't know this for some time, like till there twenty five plus but I hate not knowing. I'd love to become a professional wrestler. I love wrestling around with my friends, watching it(if it isn't WWE), I just love it. A great thing about this goal is that
I think I could see myself doing this and loving it with no doubting myself as if I could do it or not. I've been working out for a year and erm three months now. The orginal goal starting was so I could become a wrestler if I ever choose to(I was just thinking of it sort ofish). It dosn't require straghit A's or B's in school/college(well theres wrestling school to go through). I don't see what I couldn't love of doing this for a career knowing people paid to come see me as I thrilled them all.
On a more realistic playing field now, that isn't going to happen more then likely. I've brought this up before to my parents and they basically told me it's retarded. They also said they will only support and let me stay with them if I go to college bleh. So ya I don't think they would support me here too much. Being a Mythology teacher was a thought I had not too long ago. I love the stuff and all but ya I wouldn't be making any money... I feel I've lost interset in doing anything involing psychology for the most part too bleh.
Wheres The Love.
So with all that out of the way theres one thing I metioned eariler, that tears me up on the inside. That being the dark bitter cold of knowing I have no one by me thats loves me, that will be there for me, that will simply love me for me. I know it sounds a bit stupid/over thought, but I hate it!!! I don't want to be involed in pitaful relationships that break up in
two weeks or less time. The really stupid part is the fact I know theres people I sort of like and I know they care for me, but we just won't or more then likely ever be together. This would be a large porition of the online girls that love me, something I can't do to most girls in real life lol. Some of them I know personally irl but they have no intenitions of going
out with me, or have been dating someone for a loooong time! Like Tiffany. She liked me and I liked her when we first meet and was dating Nick aka Sunshine. Thing is she broke up with him to go out with Matt, whom shes been with for well over a year and some odd months now...
Theres always Erica.
Still together on the love thing, theres Erica that comes to mind most often. The problem being this, she lives a hour and a freaking half away. Personally I think she is dang near perfection in terms of what she could and could not like, that relates to me. That of which I know at least, it's a online relationship afterall. Anyways we are both really big fans of
wrestling, she loves mythology like me, and bleh other small things. Those are the two main ones. Another great thing about her is she is extremly beautiful, though thats not the awesome part of that. What I find is great is that I found out shes a virgain, or even better is that shes never even kissed a guy! lol. Not laughing at her or anything but I think thats great. I would more then happily rob her of those things, which I would believe she'd let me. I don't mean steal that aspect from her and dump her off somewhere. If she where to live somewhere around a hour and at least twenty minutesish closer, oh things would be great. She'd end up hating me after I gave her 1st degree cuddling burn. She seems like a all around awesome person which I only wish I could know in person. I already know(otherwise you could shoot me dead) she would love to go out with me. Unless she said no as her reason being she thought of me too much as a good friend.
But Then Theres Breigh.
Theres one other girl that I really like, her name is Breigh. I've always had this whee little little crush on her since I first saw her basically. We would talk here and theres extremly rarly though for the most part. It wasn't till the second semester when we had mythology class together and I switched to her hour in psychology, my little thoughts of her here and
there exploded into a nova. I feel so incredibly happy and lovestruck when I talk to her. It dosn't matter how stupid whatever we are talking about is either. It happens virtually every time. When I see her I see someone so seemingly innocent and beautiful(on the inside though she is on the outside too) it dosn't seem possible when I think about it. It wouldn't
shock me much if I found that isn't the case, in like innocence. For a example of wat I sort of meant. My friend Ed(wat he told me) was at a play in which Breigh was part of. At the end of the show her sister came running up to the stage and the two of them started hugging each other and showing love between two siblings you for one just don't see these days or at least not in public. Secondaly most siblings tend to just fight and get at each others throats. Might sound kind of lame but it would help if you knew her irl then you would know what I mean.
A few different reasons why I like her. The first being shes small lol! Ya odd but I've always thought girls that were a bit small tended to be more well cute.She is a fairly humorous person and I love it when she makes the witty/sarcastic remarks she tends to make. What I love even more is simply looking at her and seeing her laugh and or smile. I don't know what it is about that smile/laugh but I love seeing her do it. Maybe it's the fact I know that she is happy which works for me(till I go home and pout about not being able to be with her lol). It's probarly a silly thing that I set myself on this ledge where I'm
incapable of being turned down if I were to ask her out, if she had no boy friend. Though I can remember being told back last year before her and Andrew went out, that she liked me. Can't tell you who that person was as I'm not sure, or even sure it isn't my imaganation... Breigh is just a great person in general too. Caring, sharing, loving, she seems to have a heart of gold =o Oh and shes in chior, is a cheer leader, and pulls off some pretty good grades too. Its obvious she has herself a busy schedule which she has to work hard at. Even doing all that she manages to find time for her boyfriend Andrew. I at
times thought of trying to interfer with that, like I've done to get my own way in he past about everytime I wanted it. As long as shes happy though, thats good for me. I don't want to see her sad and miserable. I simply feel that if I were to have her in my life as someone that cared and loved for me everything would be ok no matter what. Funny thing is I seem to think she is perfect, that everything would work out, that she wouldn't hate me or simply say no to me asking her out. If I were to just be really good friends with her that would probarly do, as I'm sure she is a caring enough person to make sure she was there when needed. Unlike most of the girls I know that say they love and care for me and all that crap. Yet they don't show it in any way really, other then wanting to have sex. Well I couldn't say that about Laura as I know she really does care about me and shows it, in a act of caring and not for intercourse. After the breaking up/not talking thing we did, I havn't
felt I could talk to her about things as we once did. So it would be hard for her to be here for me when she dosn't know of anything. Breigh just seems to be the one that holds that of which I seek.
Also I don't mean to make it sound like Erica obviously has the short end of the stick or anything. Though I can tell you my feelings for Breigh are higher then they are for Erica. Largly due to the fact irl I don't know Erica basically. I know a few things of her from what we talk about through IM's, and I've bothered to ask her. Anyone that uses them knows you don't share much information about your life on them, it's mainly just chatting to the person about nonsense. Your interpertation of the other based on your IM'ing can be off whack though as some people act noticibily different between IMs and irl. Though from what I know of her I adore. Breigh dosn't live a hour and a half away either. Though to be honest with you, I don't know alot more about her then I do about Erica. I just know what kind of person Breigh is irl or that of which she shows off to the public. That being someone I could seriously cuddle to death. When you look at her and know her, how could you resist wanting to cuddle with someone like that? That being someone who seems to fit your scripture of a so called perfect men/woman. She may not be the Goth or Stoner sterotypical kids cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure I'd be coming back for refills.
Sponges Can Only Hold so Much.
Ok enough with that which I'm not a crazied lunatic that has a life threating crush. I'd never harm anyone to be with her, nor myself excluding the times when I sit myself down at home feeling lonely as heck as I've made myself seem to believe shes the only one. With all that crap going on above though, I feel extremly stressed and out of it lately. It seems as if I were a sponge that has been soaking up all these problems with past ones too. Problem is the sponge has hit its limit. I could swear at times I sort of do a little twitch, and my mind just seems to pop or something. Its sort of hard to explain. Just like totally random bizzare and usally not so cute and pretty images flash in my head for a few brief seconds. It almost
feels as though Im becoming a pshyco person of some sorts. I'm sure Breigh/Erica/any other girl would totally dig me then.
Remains of the Some Postive.
I like that little paragraph title I got going on. Makes things sound really REALLY postive in here. Well I basically nailed everything as of lately that has occured to me. Saddly enough I can only the negative stuff that has left a stain on me. Though lately my parents have been granting me more freedom like I once had, beforeI told them I was experimenting with drugs. Ya I told them the truth like I knew they would want, and dang that was a mistake. They said they expected me doing drugs for a long time like in middle school/early high school. Wtf! I didn't do any of that crap then. Anyways even though
the said they thought I was doing it for years, they had never done a single thing but question me about it. Things would of gone alot smoother if I just kept it a secert. Problem with that being though, I'd probarly still be doing them. I was thinking of quitting them anyways but knowing me that wouldn't of happened. Oh also I have been going back to chruch every week like I havn't done in ages. It's doing me alot of good in my mind. I'm serious though thanks to stupid mythology class I HATE! religions. Basically if you believe in any religion besides the right one(like if it were Islam) you would all go to he-ll. Theres the occasional religion or two that would still accept you, or you would just be reincarnited either way so it dosn't matter. So religion is rather icky, Breigh also said the same thing eariler today, woot. Sharing a belief here or there is fine and dandy but I need to be sharing a phone number with her though lol.
Thats All of It?
Honestly I believe thats all I can say on behalf of the postive long term subjects in my life. Ya sure I've had some fun times else where like going to the movies with Ed and Laura watching Ice Age 2 last Friday was great, it isn't leaving a note worthy effect/condition or nothing like that. Theres the possibly though that, that paticular night among other things may be building something who knows besides God. As metioned from the get go basically, the improved work ethinic and grades won't be making any kind of lasting impression. If anything it will leave a horrible one if they were to be reviewed for a
college/job. They would see my crappy grades and may think I just have a hard time in school, till they glance around some more and see the final marking period with great grades. This would more then likely result in them thinking I was a lazy piece of crap or something like that.
Wrapping up The Goodies.
This stupid blogpostie has tooken me like two hours to do omg! Of course that was with talking to Erica and Kristi for a good portion of the time. Kristi though omg wouldn't hush up so I had to sign off after talking to her without being able to think/focus on what I've already said and what to say next. But seriously time has just flown by today, it's sad really. It seems a day was totally wasted talking and poking around on the Instant messangers, and writing this. Bleh gotta do the wrapping up part here and not the negative and depressing thing.
So ya basically as of lately I feel fairly lost and unaware of what life has for me in store. Thus I feel uncomfortable with the molding of my life at this point. My Addrell seems to be affecting me in good yet bad ways too, helping contribute to the negative state of mind I've had. If only I were to able to find that special someone, I would think that would help fix alot of this. With her in my life things would appear brighter then they are. She would be my antidote that gets me by. The bad part of this being my inability to focus on other girls that may possibly be that one as I've set my mind to tell me that Breigh is the one of the two. Ya that includes Erica too, but would suck as that wouldn't be happening for some time from now. I simply need to left my head from that well erm gutter sounds like I'm disrespecting them bleh. I just need to get my mind set onto a new track. Say we meaning me and Breigh did date and it didn't work out, it would be better then thinking to myself later on in life that I let some other guy, more then likely or quite possibly take my women. Even if I can't find that girl anytime soon, theres others things I can hopefully do with my life to get me by feeling good about myself. I just hope I can find a way or method in which I can be sucessful and happy in life.
PS: Sorry for any spelling and grammer errors this will have. You have no clue how tired, exhuasted I am. Feeling like you don't give a damn either dosn't help those two. Please if you will, please comment on my entry here if you bother reading it. That way I don't feel I wasted half my night typing this and doing other pointless things.
Downhill Style.
Ok first off and most importantly. At this current time in my life, I hate it!!! I can't describe how much I suck, really its true. None of my friends seem to think so, but then again they aren't me. I've been too stupid to reliaze I hopped on the one way train to being a failure at life. You might think I would reliaze that before the train started up, but that wouldn't be the case here. I gradute in I believe seven weeks of school left....... I'm in the shape way or form ready to gradute. I've basically fluffed off my last two years of school, while tenth grade was just a small speedbump. I've basically bent myself backwords and f'ed myself the behind. Recently I got on some addrall which along with some will power has really helped me start doing better in school. Thing is it may help me gradute, but one marking period of good grades won't save me. I could get into one of the two community colleges here in town of course, but bleh.... I don't know how much more this ambition of mine can last. The Adderall has really been messing with me lately it seems. Basically my depression, rage, and aloneness I've felt previously in life for a while now have just felt ten thousand times worse. It may or may not be the drugs but it would seem to be. My brain has just been completly racked/over loaded too.
That Blasted Drug.
I was over at my friend Frank's house eariler too for a bit. As we were talking somehow me being on Addrall was brought up and he said "I don't like you on that stuff," and something else after that x.x I've noticed my personallity has changed a bit too, bleh. I asked if that was a good or bad thing and he didn't say. I can't pin point anything as a example for you guys, but I just feel wierd and sort of not me like. I've been generally tired too, feeling as I have little energy. Though thats more then likely due to me just not eating much anymore. Can't remember feeling that way, well the energyless part anytime before I got on Adderall. I've never been much of a sleeper and generally wake up tired and poopy feeling even if I get like eight-ten hours of sleep. The averge night I get like five-seven hours of sleep though tops. I was pulling all nighters during the weekend for a while couple of weeks/monthish ago. That could drastically affect my behavior and mood I'd say. I looked up major depression symptons online too, and I match 90% plus of it... Ya not cool. When I go bak to the doctor sometime within the next two to three weeks to tell him how the 30 mg's of Addrall are doing oppesed to the 20 I shall tell him that, and all this in this last paragraph. Maybe I can get some ridalene stuff instead.
Another sort thing which seems a bit out of the ordinary. Well before I go any farther to help varify/clean up some things possibly, I have been taking more then the one Addrall I'm supposed to a day. This isn't every day! Sometimes I forget to take the one in the morning so I just mix it in with the one the next day, or whenever I feel like taking it. It provides me
with a mind set of being in the game when I want to be. That and I tend to feel very happy early on in the day when I take enough. When I switched from the 20's to the 30's I got the thirtys a few days in advance leaving me with three or four twenty milligrams I hadn't used. So I took all those and a thrity and omg did I feel great. I was bouncing off the walls with
huper activity, the in the game mind set, I was extremly happy in which nothing could ruin that. Bleh now I don't even remember what I planned on saying in this paragraph at the start. Ok nevermind thought of it as I was editing this. Lately I've had a lump of crap that seems to be stuck in my throat whenever I run or it sometimes just appears. That and my
heart at times like when I seem to get nervous or angry jumps on me. It feels like it jumps on me... bleh. Can't describe it much more, other then my heart beat rate seems to gradully increase for a short period of time when it does that.
The Fork in The Road.
A thing that also bothers me is I have no clue in what direction/road I'm going to take in life. I know alot of people don't know this for some time, like till there twenty five plus but I hate not knowing. I'd love to become a professional wrestler. I love wrestling around with my friends, watching it(if it isn't WWE), I just love it. A great thing about this goal is that
I think I could see myself doing this and loving it with no doubting myself as if I could do it or not. I've been working out for a year and erm three months now. The orginal goal starting was so I could become a wrestler if I ever choose to(I was just thinking of it sort ofish). It dosn't require straghit A's or B's in school/college(well theres wrestling school to go through). I don't see what I couldn't love of doing this for a career knowing people paid to come see me as I thrilled them all.
On a more realistic playing field now, that isn't going to happen more then likely. I've brought this up before to my parents and they basically told me it's retarded. They also said they will only support and let me stay with them if I go to college bleh. So ya I don't think they would support me here too much. Being a Mythology teacher was a thought I had not too long ago. I love the stuff and all but ya I wouldn't be making any money... I feel I've lost interset in doing anything involing psychology for the most part too bleh.
Wheres The Love.
So with all that out of the way theres one thing I metioned eariler, that tears me up on the inside. That being the dark bitter cold of knowing I have no one by me thats loves me, that will be there for me, that will simply love me for me. I know it sounds a bit stupid/over thought, but I hate it!!! I don't want to be involed in pitaful relationships that break up in
two weeks or less time. The really stupid part is the fact I know theres people I sort of like and I know they care for me, but we just won't or more then likely ever be together. This would be a large porition of the online girls that love me, something I can't do to most girls in real life lol. Some of them I know personally irl but they have no intenitions of going
out with me, or have been dating someone for a loooong time! Like Tiffany. She liked me and I liked her when we first meet and was dating Nick aka Sunshine. Thing is she broke up with him to go out with Matt, whom shes been with for well over a year and some odd months now...
Theres always Erica.
Still together on the love thing, theres Erica that comes to mind most often. The problem being this, she lives a hour and a freaking half away. Personally I think she is dang near perfection in terms of what she could and could not like, that relates to me. That of which I know at least, it's a online relationship afterall. Anyways we are both really big fans of
wrestling, she loves mythology like me, and bleh other small things. Those are the two main ones. Another great thing about her is she is extremly beautiful, though thats not the awesome part of that. What I find is great is that I found out shes a virgain, or even better is that shes never even kissed a guy! lol. Not laughing at her or anything but I think thats great. I would more then happily rob her of those things, which I would believe she'd let me. I don't mean steal that aspect from her and dump her off somewhere. If she where to live somewhere around a hour and at least twenty minutesish closer, oh things would be great. She'd end up hating me after I gave her 1st degree cuddling burn. She seems like a all around awesome person which I only wish I could know in person. I already know(otherwise you could shoot me dead) she would love to go out with me. Unless she said no as her reason being she thought of me too much as a good friend.
But Then Theres Breigh.
Theres one other girl that I really like, her name is Breigh. I've always had this whee little little crush on her since I first saw her basically. We would talk here and theres extremly rarly though for the most part. It wasn't till the second semester when we had mythology class together and I switched to her hour in psychology, my little thoughts of her here and
there exploded into a nova. I feel so incredibly happy and lovestruck when I talk to her. It dosn't matter how stupid whatever we are talking about is either. It happens virtually every time. When I see her I see someone so seemingly innocent and beautiful(on the inside though she is on the outside too) it dosn't seem possible when I think about it. It wouldn't
shock me much if I found that isn't the case, in like innocence. For a example of wat I sort of meant. My friend Ed(wat he told me) was at a play in which Breigh was part of. At the end of the show her sister came running up to the stage and the two of them started hugging each other and showing love between two siblings you for one just don't see these days or at least not in public. Secondaly most siblings tend to just fight and get at each others throats. Might sound kind of lame but it would help if you knew her irl then you would know what I mean.
A few different reasons why I like her. The first being shes small lol! Ya odd but I've always thought girls that were a bit small tended to be more well cute.She is a fairly humorous person and I love it when she makes the witty/sarcastic remarks she tends to make. What I love even more is simply looking at her and seeing her laugh and or smile. I don't know what it is about that smile/laugh but I love seeing her do it. Maybe it's the fact I know that she is happy which works for me(till I go home and pout about not being able to be with her lol). It's probarly a silly thing that I set myself on this ledge where I'm
incapable of being turned down if I were to ask her out, if she had no boy friend. Though I can remember being told back last year before her and Andrew went out, that she liked me. Can't tell you who that person was as I'm not sure, or even sure it isn't my imaganation... Breigh is just a great person in general too. Caring, sharing, loving, she seems to have a heart of gold =o Oh and shes in chior, is a cheer leader, and pulls off some pretty good grades too. Its obvious she has herself a busy schedule which she has to work hard at. Even doing all that she manages to find time for her boyfriend Andrew. I at
times thought of trying to interfer with that, like I've done to get my own way in he past about everytime I wanted it. As long as shes happy though, thats good for me. I don't want to see her sad and miserable. I simply feel that if I were to have her in my life as someone that cared and loved for me everything would be ok no matter what. Funny thing is I seem to think she is perfect, that everything would work out, that she wouldn't hate me or simply say no to me asking her out. If I were to just be really good friends with her that would probarly do, as I'm sure she is a caring enough person to make sure she was there when needed. Unlike most of the girls I know that say they love and care for me and all that crap. Yet they don't show it in any way really, other then wanting to have sex. Well I couldn't say that about Laura as I know she really does care about me and shows it, in a act of caring and not for intercourse. After the breaking up/not talking thing we did, I havn't
felt I could talk to her about things as we once did. So it would be hard for her to be here for me when she dosn't know of anything. Breigh just seems to be the one that holds that of which I seek.
Also I don't mean to make it sound like Erica obviously has the short end of the stick or anything. Though I can tell you my feelings for Breigh are higher then they are for Erica. Largly due to the fact irl I don't know Erica basically. I know a few things of her from what we talk about through IM's, and I've bothered to ask her. Anyone that uses them knows you don't share much information about your life on them, it's mainly just chatting to the person about nonsense. Your interpertation of the other based on your IM'ing can be off whack though as some people act noticibily different between IMs and irl. Though from what I know of her I adore. Breigh dosn't live a hour and a half away either. Though to be honest with you, I don't know alot more about her then I do about Erica. I just know what kind of person Breigh is irl or that of which she shows off to the public. That being someone I could seriously cuddle to death. When you look at her and know her, how could you resist wanting to cuddle with someone like that? That being someone who seems to fit your scripture of a so called perfect men/woman. She may not be the Goth or Stoner sterotypical kids cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure I'd be coming back for refills.
Sponges Can Only Hold so Much.
Ok enough with that which I'm not a crazied lunatic that has a life threating crush. I'd never harm anyone to be with her, nor myself excluding the times when I sit myself down at home feeling lonely as heck as I've made myself seem to believe shes the only one. With all that crap going on above though, I feel extremly stressed and out of it lately. It seems as if I were a sponge that has been soaking up all these problems with past ones too. Problem is the sponge has hit its limit. I could swear at times I sort of do a little twitch, and my mind just seems to pop or something. Its sort of hard to explain. Just like totally random bizzare and usally not so cute and pretty images flash in my head for a few brief seconds. It almost
feels as though Im becoming a pshyco person of some sorts. I'm sure Breigh/Erica/any other girl would totally dig me then.
Remains of the Some Postive.
I like that little paragraph title I got going on. Makes things sound really REALLY postive in here. Well I basically nailed everything as of lately that has occured to me. Saddly enough I can only the negative stuff that has left a stain on me. Though lately my parents have been granting me more freedom like I once had, beforeI told them I was experimenting with drugs. Ya I told them the truth like I knew they would want, and dang that was a mistake. They said they expected me doing drugs for a long time like in middle school/early high school. Wtf! I didn't do any of that crap then. Anyways even though
the said they thought I was doing it for years, they had never done a single thing but question me about it. Things would of gone alot smoother if I just kept it a secert. Problem with that being though, I'd probarly still be doing them. I was thinking of quitting them anyways but knowing me that wouldn't of happened. Oh also I have been going back to chruch every week like I havn't done in ages. It's doing me alot of good in my mind. I'm serious though thanks to stupid mythology class I HATE! religions. Basically if you believe in any religion besides the right one(like if it were Islam) you would all go to he-ll. Theres the occasional religion or two that would still accept you, or you would just be reincarnited either way so it dosn't matter. So religion is rather icky, Breigh also said the same thing eariler today, woot. Sharing a belief here or there is fine and dandy but I need to be sharing a phone number with her though lol.
Thats All of It?
Honestly I believe thats all I can say on behalf of the postive long term subjects in my life. Ya sure I've had some fun times else where like going to the movies with Ed and Laura watching Ice Age 2 last Friday was great, it isn't leaving a note worthy effect/condition or nothing like that. Theres the possibly though that, that paticular night among other things may be building something who knows besides God. As metioned from the get go basically, the improved work ethinic and grades won't be making any kind of lasting impression. If anything it will leave a horrible one if they were to be reviewed for a
college/job. They would see my crappy grades and may think I just have a hard time in school, till they glance around some more and see the final marking period with great grades. This would more then likely result in them thinking I was a lazy piece of crap or something like that.
Wrapping up The Goodies.
This stupid blogpostie has tooken me like two hours to do omg! Of course that was with talking to Erica and Kristi for a good portion of the time. Kristi though omg wouldn't hush up so I had to sign off after talking to her without being able to think/focus on what I've already said and what to say next. But seriously time has just flown by today, it's sad really. It seems a day was totally wasted talking and poking around on the Instant messangers, and writing this. Bleh gotta do the wrapping up part here and not the negative and depressing thing.
So ya basically as of lately I feel fairly lost and unaware of what life has for me in store. Thus I feel uncomfortable with the molding of my life at this point. My Addrell seems to be affecting me in good yet bad ways too, helping contribute to the negative state of mind I've had. If only I were to able to find that special someone, I would think that would help fix alot of this. With her in my life things would appear brighter then they are. She would be my antidote that gets me by. The bad part of this being my inability to focus on other girls that may possibly be that one as I've set my mind to tell me that Breigh is the one of the two. Ya that includes Erica too, but would suck as that wouldn't be happening for some time from now. I simply need to left my head from that well erm gutter sounds like I'm disrespecting them bleh. I just need to get my mind set onto a new track. Say we meaning me and Breigh did date and it didn't work out, it would be better then thinking to myself later on in life that I let some other guy, more then likely or quite possibly take my women. Even if I can't find that girl anytime soon, theres others things I can hopefully do with my life to get me by feeling good about myself. I just hope I can find a way or method in which I can be sucessful and happy in life.