walk away
I wish I was more into this whole livejournal thing. Kristin and Sarah are trying and I'm trying to humor them as best I can. Plus I think JmeB needs to be caught up on a few things.
So ok mass confusion has consumed my being and it pretty much sucks. Daniel is the cause(I know JemB). So we "fixed" things in November after like 4 months of misunderstandings and all the sort. But after that I was never like fully convinced that the situation was exactly what it should have been. I was plagued by the whole, "is he really any good for me?" question. Here I am, lil church girl who never misses a Sunday and sometmes goes twice on a Sunday not to mention all the hours I spend in the ministry...not that this makes me better than anyone but it was obvious that I was good for him, but I was constantly bothered by the fact that the only thing he was good for was an esteem boost. A pothead to the core, if he wasnt hittin it, he was smokin or dippin or poppin pills. It's like he constantly lived in an altered state. I don't really think any less of him for that it just makes me wonder, what's so bad about his reality that he needs a different one?? (for the record, he wasn't quite this bad off when I first met him) He always told me he was gonna quit, but never showed any effort. And then like back in the day he wouldnt do it around me cuz he knew that I didnt necessarily approve, but this time around he didnt even care. which was like a serious sign, he couldnt even repect me enough to go to a different room. And I always told him, I'm not his mom, I'm not gonna tell him what to do but then he would be like why didnt you stop me? ugh SO I went home for Christmas and he called me all the time and told me he missed me and all this stuff. I came back and stayed with him for a night before I went to New Mexico right after Christmas and it was fabulous. Then he called me all the time while I was in New Mexico. When I got home he sent me one email telling me that he was so happy I was his girl and such, never to be heard from again. He wouldnt return any of my calls and such. So all of you who think that breakups over the computer are horrible, try breaking up by avoidance. So since he wouldnt answer his phone I had to resort to email to get my closure and find out what was going through his head. Apparently I'm a spoiled brat who thinks I'm better than everyone. And yeah I'm spoiled and yeah my parents are together, and yeah I dont have to pay for school, but I have never thought that that made me better than anyone. And just because you appear to have the perfect family on the outside doesnt mean that's the case. And it hurt that he didnt know me well enough to know that. One of the things he said that I did agree with was that it's baffling how two ppl as different as us ended up caring for each other. And when he said that, I felt like it was the first REAL thing he had ever said to me. All that time that I wondered if he really did care about me was like rinsed away. Closure!! not the best by any means, but all the same. So he continues to avoid me and I would be fine with that except he has my bear and somehow I have fallen back into the phase where I can't sleep well without him. He's like the perfect size and fuzziness and beaniness and weight. the dumbest thing ever.
So I'm happy and such but I still have this gut feeling that if he ever did ask me to forgive him and take him back, I would. and I hate that. I have good things that wait for me and people who would treat me wonderfully and all, but as the song goes... "I keep goin right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from." I resent him for that, and I hate myself for feeling that way. It's like I fall for the assholes and then still wanna be treated badly when I have a redeeming shot. and alls I can do is hope that the people who do genuinely care about me are patient and don't give up too quickly when I inevitably push them away. ok now that this is way long and droning I'll go, but fear not, there's more to come.
So ok mass confusion has consumed my being and it pretty much sucks. Daniel is the cause(I know JemB). So we "fixed" things in November after like 4 months of misunderstandings and all the sort. But after that I was never like fully convinced that the situation was exactly what it should have been. I was plagued by the whole, "is he really any good for me?" question. Here I am, lil church girl who never misses a Sunday and sometmes goes twice on a Sunday not to mention all the hours I spend in the ministry...not that this makes me better than anyone but it was obvious that I was good for him, but I was constantly bothered by the fact that the only thing he was good for was an esteem boost. A pothead to the core, if he wasnt hittin it, he was smokin or dippin or poppin pills. It's like he constantly lived in an altered state. I don't really think any less of him for that it just makes me wonder, what's so bad about his reality that he needs a different one?? (for the record, he wasn't quite this bad off when I first met him) He always told me he was gonna quit, but never showed any effort. And then like back in the day he wouldnt do it around me cuz he knew that I didnt necessarily approve, but this time around he didnt even care. which was like a serious sign, he couldnt even repect me enough to go to a different room. And I always told him, I'm not his mom, I'm not gonna tell him what to do but then he would be like why didnt you stop me? ugh SO I went home for Christmas and he called me all the time and told me he missed me and all this stuff. I came back and stayed with him for a night before I went to New Mexico right after Christmas and it was fabulous. Then he called me all the time while I was in New Mexico. When I got home he sent me one email telling me that he was so happy I was his girl and such, never to be heard from again. He wouldnt return any of my calls and such. So all of you who think that breakups over the computer are horrible, try breaking up by avoidance. So since he wouldnt answer his phone I had to resort to email to get my closure and find out what was going through his head. Apparently I'm a spoiled brat who thinks I'm better than everyone. And yeah I'm spoiled and yeah my parents are together, and yeah I dont have to pay for school, but I have never thought that that made me better than anyone. And just because you appear to have the perfect family on the outside doesnt mean that's the case. And it hurt that he didnt know me well enough to know that. One of the things he said that I did agree with was that it's baffling how two ppl as different as us ended up caring for each other. And when he said that, I felt like it was the first REAL thing he had ever said to me. All that time that I wondered if he really did care about me was like rinsed away. Closure!! not the best by any means, but all the same. So he continues to avoid me and I would be fine with that except he has my bear and somehow I have fallen back into the phase where I can't sleep well without him. He's like the perfect size and fuzziness and beaniness and weight. the dumbest thing ever.
So I'm happy and such but I still have this gut feeling that if he ever did ask me to forgive him and take him back, I would. and I hate that. I have good things that wait for me and people who would treat me wonderfully and all, but as the song goes... "I keep goin right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from." I resent him for that, and I hate myself for feeling that way. It's like I fall for the assholes and then still wanna be treated badly when I have a redeeming shot. and alls I can do is hope that the people who do genuinely care about me are patient and don't give up too quickly when I inevitably push them away. ok now that this is way long and droning I'll go, but fear not, there's more to come.