they locked the door on me...and sometimes i lock it on myself
Wow. Talk about post-traumatic stress, this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. My closest family member could've gone to jail, I'm most likely getting kicked out of UNCA for next semester, everyone I've ever been with here hates me, I went too far with a friend, spring break is coming which means my parent's house, and worse of worse my 9-month semi-relationship/companionship is over. Now, please tell me, after 9 months, how the fuck are you gonna turn around and ignore it? You can't, I don't care if you're the biggest asshole in the world.
So basically, I hate myself. I can't find the strength to care about anything, and I have no real reason to live. I don't mean that in a suicidal way, just a sorry-for-myself apathetic way. I mean sure, other things are great like my portfolio and my hair and ATMOSPHERE and the fact even though I hate myself I love myself, and I have tons of great friends, but not being able to see them or do anything for a week other than sit at my house with my parents kinda pisses me off. Last Saturday night I sat at Rebekah's for hours in the hot tub playing stupid word games but for some reason that innocence was so FUN.
Basically, I just want to know how I'll survive the summer and where the hell I'll be next semester. This is my third day without him and the world still lacks color. I want to draw red lines down my arms symbolically. I don't know what to do; I've decided to be celibate, and tonight I will be sleeping alone without Becca's cute clothes all over the floor and no Rambo to wake me up with his insane wood-chewing habits. No party tonight, everyone's gone or leaving. word. I'm kinda worried that I'm not gonna believe in God anymore at all, that I worship Slug too much and I want to be Rastafari too much. Oh well, I'm sure in a week this will all be over and I'll be happy again, cracking my insane jokes and missing him too much.
So basically, I hate myself. I can't find the strength to care about anything, and I have no real reason to live. I don't mean that in a suicidal way, just a sorry-for-myself apathetic way. I mean sure, other things are great like my portfolio and my hair and ATMOSPHERE and the fact even though I hate myself I love myself, and I have tons of great friends, but not being able to see them or do anything for a week other than sit at my house with my parents kinda pisses me off. Last Saturday night I sat at Rebekah's for hours in the hot tub playing stupid word games but for some reason that innocence was so FUN.
Basically, I just want to know how I'll survive the summer and where the hell I'll be next semester. This is my third day without him and the world still lacks color. I want to draw red lines down my arms symbolically. I don't know what to do; I've decided to be celibate, and tonight I will be sleeping alone without Becca's cute clothes all over the floor and no Rambo to wake me up with his insane wood-chewing habits. No party tonight, everyone's gone or leaving. word. I'm kinda worried that I'm not gonna believe in God anymore at all, that I worship Slug too much and I want to be Rastafari too much. Oh well, I'm sure in a week this will all be over and I'll be happy again, cracking my insane jokes and missing him too much.