fic: the closest to heaven (11/12)
Title: Closest to Heaven
Pairing Kurt/Blaine
Rating: (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count 4,733 for this part; 42,130 overall
Warnings: haracter death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of oc
Summary Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
Blaine ends up staying in the hospital for another six weeks, and, thankfully, it doesn’t take that long for him to begin to feel that sense of hope again. He talks both to Emma and Marianne about why he attempted suicide again, and, as he talks about Cooper and Kurt and his annoyance with his parents, everything slowly becomes a little clearer.
The issues with Kurt are the easiest to work out because they no longer exist. It’s a little difficult to maintain a romantic relationship with Blaine in the hospital, but Kurt assures Blaine that’s okay, that he understands and Blaine shouldn’t worry about it. And it really isn’t so bad because Kurt, Carole, and Finn come see him on visiting day each week.
Eventually, he works out everything about Cooper. He tells Marianne about how much Cooper aids to him feeling worthless. He tells Marianne about his jealousy surrounding Cooper’s success and the feeling of abandonment that taints their relationship. Two weeks into his new stay, Cooper calls Blaine to tell him all about Scotland. Cooper doesn’t know about Blaine’s latest suicide attempt, and Blaine doesn’t tell him. Even so, Cooper does get a little emotional. He tells Blaine that he can’t wait to come home and see him, that he misses Blaine so much, and that when he does get back, they’re going to spend a whole weekend together doing whatever Blaine wants. Blaine smiles as he tells Cooper he loves him, and he feels his fears of being unimportant slipping away.
There is one day, when Blaine’s talking about his past, that Jason slips out, and then he’s crying softly, recalling the growth of their friendship, the dance, and, ultimately, his death. Blaine talks to Marianne about how he thought he was in love with Jason at the time, but, after falling in love with Kurt, he doesn’t think that was the case. But he still feels terrible about what happened, and Marianne assures him it’s only normal - that because of everything that happened following the attack, Blaine never got proper closure. He tells her that Cooper took him to visit Jason’s grave, but Marianne still insists that by keeping everything inside and never addressing how he felt about Jason and his death, Blaine never got the chance to heal from it. But by the time he’s done talking to Marianne, he feels better. He finally feels like he can move on from it and not be held down by the lingering grief.
The weeks drag on, but Blaine does heal. Soon enough, all of his problems begin to seem smaller. He begins to deal with them a little easier, and it doesn’t feel like they’re dragging him down as much. He can rise above them now. He can fight the sadness and the anxiety and focus on the things that make him happy. He hasn’t been able to do that in a long time, and it feels amazing.
Now, the only the thing that’s still contributing a great deal to his depression is his parents. It’s week five, and they still haven’t visited him. Blaine’s spent nearly three months in the hospital, and the only time they visited him was when he was recovering from blood loss in the ICU
Blaine brings this up to Marianne, and she freezes, expression going thoughtful.
“What?” Blaine asks, feeling a little self-conscious.
“Blaine,” Marianne says slowly. “How would you feel about having your parents come for a therapy session.”
Blaine eyes go wide, and he shakes his head. “No,” he says sternly. “No, I can’t - I wouldn’t be able to do that.”
Marianne lets out a small sigh, setting her clipboard down. “Blaine, usually it is customary for after a period of time, once a patient is stable, to bring their family along with them - just to get everything out there and so everyone can learn and heal together.”
“Well, I’m - I’m not stable,” Blaine says. “I’m sorry, it’s just - I’m not ready for that.”
“You might think so,” Marianne says, “but I disagree.”
Blaine opens his mouth to argue, but Marianne cuts him off.
“Blaine, five weeks ago you tried to kill yourself, now you’re walking around here with a smile on your face and an eagerness to go home and get out in the world. You can do this. And I’ll be here the whole time. This will be good for everyone, I promise.”
Blaine sighs heavily and bites his lip. “Okay,” he says quietly. “I’ll do it.”
.
.
Three days later, Blaine’s sitting in the exact same spot, his parents on the couch adjacent to him. He sits with his hands folded together and his head down. His stomach is crawling with nerves, but then Marianne whispers his name and he looks up to see her smiling at him. He breathes a sigh, calming himself.
“So,” Marianne says. “Shall we begin?”
No one answers her.
“Alright. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, I would first like to know how you’ve been affected by what’s been going on with Blaine. What ran through your mind those three times you heard he had tried to kill himself?”
Blaine’s mother speaks up, and it looks like his father isn’t even paying attention. He looks down at the floor and rubs his forearm, heaving a sigh.
“Well, we were devastated, of course,” she says. “The first time sent us into a shock. We had no idea that he’d been feeling any of that. He only came home every other weekend, so we didn’t see him much. The second time was a little bit harder because we thought the hospital stay and anti-depressants had helped, but then we found out he’d stopped taking his medication. And the third - I don’t even know what to say. I just want Blaine to be a normal, happy teenager.”
Marianne nods, her eyes on Blaine’s father. “Do you talk to Blaine about his depression? Do you check on him and try to help him?”
“We try,” Blaine’s mother answers, “but we never know how to help him. We’re afraid we might do something wrong, that we might simply upset him more.”
Marianne nods again, pressing her lips together.
“Have you ever thought about what might be a cause of Blaine’s depression?”
Blaine’s mother thinks for a second. “Well, we assume it might be things at school. I know a few years back, Blaine dealt with some pretty awful bullying. Homework can be stressful, and Blaine did used to be very involved - with soccer, theater, and glee club.”
“Did you ever think that maybe some of his problems come from home?” Marianne asks, and Blaine tenses up slightly. He’d been waiting for this moment, waiting for Marianne to start calling out his parents on the things that they’ve done.
His mother blinks, looking surprised. “Well, we’ve - I mean, we haven’t always - “
“Clara - may I call you that?”
She nods.
“Clara, I want you to stop answering for your husband,” Marianne says. “You love Blaine, don’t you? You care about him a great deal?”
Clara nods, her mouth wavering a little as she attempts to smile. Blaine can see that her eyes are already welling with tears.
“But you just don’t know how to help, correct?”
Clara nods again.
“Do you also think that maybe, if there are problems at home, that you ignore them? That you don’t acknowledge them?”
Clara looks down, twisting her fingers together. Just barely, she nods.
“Alan,” Marianne says, looking to Blaine’s father. “What do you think about all of this?”
“What do you mean - specifically?” Alan asks, voice quiet.
“What do you think about Blaine feeling so bad that he attempted to take his own life?”
Alan hesitates. “I’m - I’m not sure.”
A lump rises in Blaine’s throat, and he swallows hard. This is the part he was afraid of. He was afraid of the truth finally coming out and his father being forced to admit outright that he doesn’t give a shit about his own son.
“Is it because it’s difficult for you to deal with, or is it because maybe you’re a cause?” Marianne asks. “Or maybe a little bit of both?”
Alan says nothing, and Marianne nods to herself, triumphant.
“Alan, what do you think about your son’s sexuality?”
Alan sighs heavily, looking up at least. He opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. He shakes his head and looks down again
Blaine looks off to the side, away from everyone and blinks fast, trying to stop the sudden flow of tears. He’s known how his father’s felt for a long time, but seeing him basically admit it - it hurts a lot
Marianne sets her clipboard off to the side.
“Alan, I want you to look at me,” she says, and Blaine’s a little surprised at how serious she sounds. Alan looks up, and Marianne dares to continue. “I don’t care how you feel about Blaine’s sexuality, in all honesty. I don’t care if you think it’s disgusting. I don’t care if you’re indifferent. I don’t care if you’re struggling to accept it, or whatever, but you cannot let that come in the way of Blaine’s healing process. Blaine needs support right now. He needs people to take care of him and make him feel like he’s worth something, because he is. That boy over there, Alan - that boy is your son, and for the past three years he’s felt so low of himself that he’s wanted to die. Do you wish that for him, Alan? Is that something you want for your son?”
Alan shakes his head. “No,” he says quietly. “I don’t.”
“Then put your prejudice and ignorance aside and help him,” Marianne says. “Because if you don’t suck it up and become the father figure he needs, Blaine is not going to heal. He might reach a point where he feels okay, but he’s always going to have that weight on his shoulders that is the lack of your support and acceptance. If you want to stay a part of Blaine’s life, you’re going to have to do this. If you can’t get past whatever it is that’s holding you back from being a real father to Blaine, then you can’t be in his life. You can’t subject him to that, Alan. Your behavior is fuel to his depression and poison to his self-esteem.”
Marianne pauses, and there’s a ringing silence.
“Do you think you could do that, Alan?” she asks quietly. “Do you think you could put everything aside and be there for your son?”
It takes Alan a long moment to answer, but eventually, he lifts his head and nods. “I can,” he says. “I will.”
Marianne sits back, and shoots a pleased look at Blaine. “Good.” She pulls her clipboard back onto her lap and looks towards Clara. “I don’t doubt that you care about your son, I really don’t, but condoning your husband’s behavior is just not acceptable, do you understand?”
Clara nods. “I - I know I haven’t been the best about that - “ she looks to her son, “ - and, Blaine, I’m so sorry. I just - I want you to know that I love you. You and your brother are my absolute pride and joy, and all I want is for you to be happy in life.”
Blaine offers a small smile, not trusting himself to speak. He’s always thought of his mother as so distant. She may have cried about his depression over and over, but Blaine’s never really felt like she’s tried to connect with him. She doesn’t try to help him - at least not enough, but Blaine’s beginning to understand that he can’t blame her if she never really knew how.
Marianne turns to him now. “Blaine, I want you to be honest with me now. Your parents - the way they’ve treated you - do you think that any of it at all has effect on your depression?”
Blaine nods, swallowing hard
“Like what?” Marianne asks, and she gives a small nod as if to say “Keep your eyes on me.”
“Well, mostly it’s my dad,” Blaine starts carefully. “I just - I feel very inadequate. I feel like I’m always letting him down, and I hate it. It - it really does make me feel worthless.”
“Why do you feel that way, Blaine?”
“I don’t - I don’t really think he approves of my sexuality,” Blaine says quietly. “I feel like he’s against it, and - and like he doesn’t want to have a gay son. I mean, as long as he’s got Cooper, I’m not really important, right?”
Marianne nods, pressing her lips together. She lets a silent beat pass by before looking back to Alan.
“They way Blaine describes it - is that how you feel, Alan?” she asks. “Does Blaine let you down constantly? Would you rather not consider him your son?”
“No,” Alan says without missing a beat. “I don’t - he is my son. And he does make me proud.”
“Do you let him know that?” Marianne asks.
“I don’t - maybe not enough,” Alan answers
“Do you not approve of his sexuality?”
“Not - not entirely,” Alan says slowly. “It’s - it’s a process. I was raised a certain way, and - and I just - it’s hard, but I’m trying.”
“But maybe not a quick enough pace,” Marianne says. “Maybe Blaine doesn’t know that.”
Alan nods, licking his lips
“Alan, is there anything you want to say to your son?”
Blaine finally dares to look over at him. His heart is racing in his chest and he’s finding it hard to breathe. Hearing his father saying these things, hearing him be completely honest - it’s good, but it’s not the answers he’s exactly looking for. He’s just glad they’re making progress, and maybe there’s hope for the future.
Alan lets out a noise between a humorless laugh and a scoff. “Blaine, I - I know I’m not the best father. I know I’ve shown Cooper more acceptance and probably more love. I just - I don’t know what to do, Blaine. You know, I was raised a Christian, and - and I honestly - I never expected to have to deal with something like this. And then there’s the depression, the suicide attempts on top of this, and it’s been pushing us further away from each other.” He sighs, hanging his head. “Blaine, I don’t want you to have to feel like this. I agree with your mom - I want you to be happy. Son, you aren’t letting me down, you have to know that. I just - I’m going to need time to deal with these things. I’ve got to learn to let go of past beliefs, I’ve got to learn about depression and what you need, I’ve got to learn how to help you in the best ways that I can - it’s a lot for me, Blaine, and I know you’re probably thinking that you deserve more than what I’m giving you, and you do, but I’m working on it, son. I promise you.”
Blaine nods, blinking fast. His breath is shaky as he tries to take everything in. All he’s ever gotten from his father was radiating disappointment, and now that it’s turned out that maybe that isn’t the case - it’s difficult for Blaine to wrap his head around. He forces out a small smile, and chokes a little as he says, “Um - thanks - thank you, Dad. I . . . appreciate it.”
Alan gives a small nod back, twitching his lips just briefly into an awkward grin.
“Alright,” Marianne says, looking between all of them. “I think we’re about done here. If you two would just allow me a moment alone with Blaine.”
Alan and Clara stand up and thank her before exiting the room.
The door to Marianne’s office shuts with a small thud, and Blaine turns back to her. He’s on the verge of tears, his breathing becoming more and more rapid as he tries to take in what’s just happened. He knows his father will have words to say with him later, but right now he just wants to thank Marianne for sticking up for him, since he’s never been able to do it himself.
Marianne stares at him for just a moment before coming over and wrapping her arms around him, hugging him tight. He buries his face in her shoulder, trying to calm himself. They sit still for a few minutes, Blaine trying to work through everything that’s swirling around in his mind.
As Blaine finally pulls away, Marianne looks at him carefully. “Are you okay, Blaine?”
He nods, sniffling, and then wipes his eyes and nose on his sleeve. “I just - I’m a little overwhelmed, that’s all.”
“About what?”
Blaine shrugs. “Everything. I just - for so long I’ve felt like such a disappointment to my parents, but knowing that at least my mom doesn’t feel that way, it’s just - it’s such a relief. I wish my dad would be a little easier to deal with, but - “
“Give your dad time, Blaine,” Marianne says, rubbing her hand along his forearm. “He’s not a malicious man, I can see that. To me, it just seems he has difficulties with adjusting. And you know it doesn’t help when an older sibling sets expectations for you to follow. You and your father will work through this together, and if you ever want to bring him back, just let me know, okay?”
Blaine nods, sniffling again. “Thank you, Marianne,” he says quietly. “What you did today, I - I feel like it’s going to help me a lot.”
Marianne smiles. “It’s what I’m here for, Blaine.”
.
.
Blaine’s six-week term comes to an end on the next visiting day. Kurt, Carole, and Finn show up to take him out for lunch, since he was technically let off the hook right after breakfast - however, his parents are picking him up around four.
Blaine’s sitting in the lobby when Kurt and his family show up, and Blaine practically leaps out of his seat. He hurries over to them, throwing himself into Kurt’s arms and hugging him tightly.
“Hey,” Kurt says brightly as Blaine pulls back. He reaches out and grips Blaine’s upper arms, smiling. “You’re going home today.”
Blaine nods, smiling widely in return. “I know. We won’t have to get by on seeing each other just once a week anymore.”
Kurt shakes his head. “I suppose, but I’m really proud of you, Blaine.” He reaches down, fixing the collar of Blaine’s shirt. “You’ve come so far, and I’m really happy for you.”
Blaine looks down, trying to hide his blush. “Thank you,” he says quietly.
Kurt takes Blaine’s hand, entwining their fingers together. “Alright, I’m sorry - enough of the sappiness. Should we get going?”
“Please,” Blaine says, looking back up. “I haven’t had anything proper to eat in six weeks.”
Kurt laughs as they walk out to the car. It’s a sunny day, the temperature absolutely perfect. Blaine looks up at the cloudless sky, his ears filling with the sound of chirping birds and the traffic that moves through the streets. It’s a beautiful day, and Blaine can see it.
They end up eating at some kind of bar and grill, getting a booth right next to the window so Blaine can look out and admire the life outside - people walking past the window, cyclists weaving between them and the cars on the street. Couples walking by with their arms around each other and children holding tightly to their parents
After awhile, Blaine turns his attention to inside the restaurant. He looks around, taking in all of the people talking and laughing, looking happy and alive. It feels good to finally be one of them.
Kurt gives his hand a squeeze under the table. “What are you thinking about?” he asks.
Blaine shrugs. “I’m just happy,” he answers honestly. “I mean sure, I’m not one hundred percent yet. These anti-depressants are kicking my ass with the list of side-effects, but it’s just nice to feel a lot better than I have in the past three years.”
Kurt takes his hand from Blaine’s and rubs his leg, smiling. “Once again, I’m really happy for you.” He leans in, brushing a kiss on Blaine’s lips.
“Hey, hey - with the PDA, come on,” Finn cuts in, pointing a hand at them.
“We’re in Cincinnati,” Kurt replies. “Let me enjoy it.”
Carole laughs, shaking her head. As Kurt pulls away, she asks, “So, Blaine - how do you feel about going home?”
“Relieved,” he says, reaching for his water. “It’s been nearly three months. I’m so ready to go home.” He takes a sip as he listens to Carole’s reply.
“Are you still planning on going back to school?”
Blaine sets his glass back down, clearing his throat. “Actually, I’m not sure. I’m still not completely caught up, and I mean - I’ve only got three weeks left. It would kind of be pointless to go back. I think my parents are just planning on getting my assignments and homeschooling me at a more comfortable pace.”
Carole nods. “That’s understandable.”
“Yeah,” Blaine says. “The school’s being really generous about it. Either pity or sympathy, I can’t tell. Either way, I really appreciate it. Trying to jump right back into everything would probably be disastrous. I mean it’s going to take me another month to adjust to the anti-depressants alone.”
“How are they working for you?” Carole asks. “Do you think you’ve found the right ones?”
Blaine nods. “Oh, yeah. They’re working great,” he assures. “It’s just the side-effects are insane.”
“Like what?” Carole asks, raising an eyebrow.
Blaine thinks for a moment. “I mean - it depends on the day, really. Today, I’m feeling fine, thank God. But I’ve had two panic attacks since I started taking them, which are the worst part of it. Mostly I’m either exhausted, nauseous, or both. My nurse told me that hopefully, everything will mellow out within the next few weeks.”
“Well, that’s good,” Carole says. “I mean, at least they’re working.”
Blaine nods, licking his lips. He looks outside again, squinting against the sunlight. “Other than the side effects, they’re working great.”
.
.
They arrive back at the hospital at around three-forty-five, which gives Blaine just enough time to get his things together and head back downstairs to meet his parents in the lobby. Kurt, Carole, and Finn stick around to see Blaine off. As they wait for Blaine’s parents, he holds onto Kurt’s hand tightly, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.
Finally, the doors open and the Andersons come through, Cooper tagging along behind them. Blaine feels his heart leap and he stands, making his way over to them. Cooper gets to him first, wrapping his arms around his brother and holding him tight.
“Cooper, you’re home,” Blaine says excitedly as he pulls away.
“And you’re still in here,” Cooper says, giving him a scolding look. “Mom and Dad had to fill me in.”
Blaine smiles sheepishly. “I’m sorry?”
Cooper rolls his eyes. “Just as long as you’re getting better, and you promise me you won’t ever try to kill yourself again. Or you at least be honest with me, and warn me if you’re going to pull something like that again.”
“I won’t attempt it anymore,” Blaine assures. “I think three times is enough.”
Cooper nods, pressing his lips together. “Well, I certainly hope so.” He gives Blaine a pat on the shoulder and steps back, allowing their parents to see him.
Blaine swallows hard, looking up first at his mother, and then his father
“You all ready?” Alan asks, and Blaine nods.
“Good,” Clara says, smiling sweetly. “We’ve got everything ready for at home, sweetie. I went down to Dalton yesterday and brought all of your things home. I’ve also got manicotti ready to cook - your favorite.”
Blaine smiles, laughing slightly. His cheeks feel warm, and he knows he’s blushing. “Thanks, Mom,” he says, sharing a look with Cooper. He watches as Cooper glances over his head, looking intently at something and then grinning. He turns around and remembers that, duh, Kurt is there.
“Oh, um - Mom, Dad,” he says, taking a deep breath. “I want to introduce you to somebody.&rdquo
He turns and walks nervously over to Kurt. He knows that maybe this isn’t the best idea, maybe it’s still a little too much for his father, but he doesn’t want to hide their relationship, not when it’s the thing that’s really kept Blaine going
Blaine smiles as he steps up to Kurt. He reaches down, grabbing Kurt’s hand
“Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend - Kurt. He’s - he’s helped me through a lot of this, and I think it’s really because of him that I’ve made so much progress.” Blaine holds his breath as he watches his parents’ reactions. His mother smiles and claps her hands together. His father’s face stays blank but he nods, acknowledging Kurt.
“It’s - uh - it’s good to meet you, Kurt,” Alan says.
“Thank you so much for being there for our son,” Clara says, and she takes Kurt’s hand, shaking it vigorously.
Kurt smiles at them both. “It’s good to meet you both, and, really, Mrs. Anderson, it’s nothing. Blaine’s - Blaine’s really great.” He looks over, grinning at Blaine, his expression brimming with pride.
“Well,” Alan says. “We should get going, Blaine. Your mother’s been worked up over the manicotti all day. We’ll - we’ll see you later, Kurt.”
Alan walks away awkwardly, Clara following after him. Cooper breathes a sigh and moves over to Blaine, shaking his head.
“That was tense,” he remarks.
Blaine laughs slightly before turning to Kurt. “I’ll text you, okay?” he says, and Kurt nods. Blaine jogs over to Cooper, taking a deep breath. “God, I was scared he was going to explode. He took it a lot better than I expected.”
“He almost seemed happy for you,” Cooper says. “In his weird, apathetic way.”
Blaine laughs again. “Well, I guess I’ll take it.”
.
.
After dinner, Blaine is completely exhausted. He can feel the side-effects of the anti-depressants kicking in. The nausea isn’t too bad, but his body is achy, and he his eyelids are extremely heavy. He lies down on the couch while his parents and brother clean up the kitchen, trying desperately to stay awake. He doesn’t realize he’s dozed off until he feels his mother’s fingers in his hair
“You feeling okay, sweetheart?” she asks.
Blaine grumbles something incoherent in response.
“Run that by me again?”
“It’s the anti-depressants,” Blaine says, yawning. “Side-effects.”
“What’s wrong?” Clara asks, sitting down on the arm of the couch.
Blaine sighs. “I’m tired, mostly. I kind of feel like I’m getting over a stomach flu.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Clara asks
“No,” Blaine says. “Well, not besides letting me sleep.”
“Well, at least go up to your bed,” Clara says, standing up and holding out her hand. “I’m sure it’ll feel nice after all those nights in the hospital bed.”
Blaine lets her help him up without hesitation. He sways a little once he’s on his feet, but his mother catches him. Slowly, they tackle the steps, making their way up to Blaine’s bedroom, where he collapses onto his bed.
“We’ll try to keep it down,” Clara promises, walking over to him. She leans down and places a gentle kiss to Blaine’s forehead. “Let me know if I can get you anything, okay?”
“Okay,” Blaine says weakly.
“I love you, sweetheart, goodnight.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
“And, Blaine?”
He opens his eyes, seeing that she’s standing in the doorway, ready to turn out the light.
“Yeah?”
“We’re really happy for you and Kurt,” she says, “ - your father and I. And I’m not just speaking for him this time. I know he is. Kurt’s really good for you.”
Blaine smiles. “Thanks.”
“Of course,” Clara replies. “Sleep tight, Blainey.”
“Night, Mom.”
He rolls over onto his side as she shuts out the lights and closes the door. If he were to be honest, coming home had made him a little apprehensive, but now that he is, he’s so glad he’s not in the hospital anymore. It really feels like he’s woken up for the first time since freshman year. And as he listens to the murmurs of his parents and his brother downstairs, he finally feels like he’s got a place among them.
.
chapter 12a
Pairing Kurt/Blaine
Rating: (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count 4,733 for this part; 42,130 overall
Warnings: haracter death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of oc
Summary Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
Blaine ends up staying in the hospital for another six weeks, and, thankfully, it doesn’t take that long for him to begin to feel that sense of hope again. He talks both to Emma and Marianne about why he attempted suicide again, and, as he talks about Cooper and Kurt and his annoyance with his parents, everything slowly becomes a little clearer.
The issues with Kurt are the easiest to work out because they no longer exist. It’s a little difficult to maintain a romantic relationship with Blaine in the hospital, but Kurt assures Blaine that’s okay, that he understands and Blaine shouldn’t worry about it. And it really isn’t so bad because Kurt, Carole, and Finn come see him on visiting day each week.
Eventually, he works out everything about Cooper. He tells Marianne about how much Cooper aids to him feeling worthless. He tells Marianne about his jealousy surrounding Cooper’s success and the feeling of abandonment that taints their relationship. Two weeks into his new stay, Cooper calls Blaine to tell him all about Scotland. Cooper doesn’t know about Blaine’s latest suicide attempt, and Blaine doesn’t tell him. Even so, Cooper does get a little emotional. He tells Blaine that he can’t wait to come home and see him, that he misses Blaine so much, and that when he does get back, they’re going to spend a whole weekend together doing whatever Blaine wants. Blaine smiles as he tells Cooper he loves him, and he feels his fears of being unimportant slipping away.
There is one day, when Blaine’s talking about his past, that Jason slips out, and then he’s crying softly, recalling the growth of their friendship, the dance, and, ultimately, his death. Blaine talks to Marianne about how he thought he was in love with Jason at the time, but, after falling in love with Kurt, he doesn’t think that was the case. But he still feels terrible about what happened, and Marianne assures him it’s only normal - that because of everything that happened following the attack, Blaine never got proper closure. He tells her that Cooper took him to visit Jason’s grave, but Marianne still insists that by keeping everything inside and never addressing how he felt about Jason and his death, Blaine never got the chance to heal from it. But by the time he’s done talking to Marianne, he feels better. He finally feels like he can move on from it and not be held down by the lingering grief.
The weeks drag on, but Blaine does heal. Soon enough, all of his problems begin to seem smaller. He begins to deal with them a little easier, and it doesn’t feel like they’re dragging him down as much. He can rise above them now. He can fight the sadness and the anxiety and focus on the things that make him happy. He hasn’t been able to do that in a long time, and it feels amazing.
Now, the only the thing that’s still contributing a great deal to his depression is his parents. It’s week five, and they still haven’t visited him. Blaine’s spent nearly three months in the hospital, and the only time they visited him was when he was recovering from blood loss in the ICU
Blaine brings this up to Marianne, and she freezes, expression going thoughtful.
“What?” Blaine asks, feeling a little self-conscious.
“Blaine,” Marianne says slowly. “How would you feel about having your parents come for a therapy session.”
Blaine eyes go wide, and he shakes his head. “No,” he says sternly. “No, I can’t - I wouldn’t be able to do that.”
Marianne lets out a small sigh, setting her clipboard down. “Blaine, usually it is customary for after a period of time, once a patient is stable, to bring their family along with them - just to get everything out there and so everyone can learn and heal together.”
“Well, I’m - I’m not stable,” Blaine says. “I’m sorry, it’s just - I’m not ready for that.”
“You might think so,” Marianne says, “but I disagree.”
Blaine opens his mouth to argue, but Marianne cuts him off.
“Blaine, five weeks ago you tried to kill yourself, now you’re walking around here with a smile on your face and an eagerness to go home and get out in the world. You can do this. And I’ll be here the whole time. This will be good for everyone, I promise.”
Blaine sighs heavily and bites his lip. “Okay,” he says quietly. “I’ll do it.”
.
.
Three days later, Blaine’s sitting in the exact same spot, his parents on the couch adjacent to him. He sits with his hands folded together and his head down. His stomach is crawling with nerves, but then Marianne whispers his name and he looks up to see her smiling at him. He breathes a sigh, calming himself.
“So,” Marianne says. “Shall we begin?”
No one answers her.
“Alright. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, I would first like to know how you’ve been affected by what’s been going on with Blaine. What ran through your mind those three times you heard he had tried to kill himself?”
Blaine’s mother speaks up, and it looks like his father isn’t even paying attention. He looks down at the floor and rubs his forearm, heaving a sigh.
“Well, we were devastated, of course,” she says. “The first time sent us into a shock. We had no idea that he’d been feeling any of that. He only came home every other weekend, so we didn’t see him much. The second time was a little bit harder because we thought the hospital stay and anti-depressants had helped, but then we found out he’d stopped taking his medication. And the third - I don’t even know what to say. I just want Blaine to be a normal, happy teenager.”
Marianne nods, her eyes on Blaine’s father. “Do you talk to Blaine about his depression? Do you check on him and try to help him?”
“We try,” Blaine’s mother answers, “but we never know how to help him. We’re afraid we might do something wrong, that we might simply upset him more.”
Marianne nods again, pressing her lips together.
“Have you ever thought about what might be a cause of Blaine’s depression?”
Blaine’s mother thinks for a second. “Well, we assume it might be things at school. I know a few years back, Blaine dealt with some pretty awful bullying. Homework can be stressful, and Blaine did used to be very involved - with soccer, theater, and glee club.”
“Did you ever think that maybe some of his problems come from home?” Marianne asks, and Blaine tenses up slightly. He’d been waiting for this moment, waiting for Marianne to start calling out his parents on the things that they’ve done.
His mother blinks, looking surprised. “Well, we’ve - I mean, we haven’t always - “
“Clara - may I call you that?”
She nods.
“Clara, I want you to stop answering for your husband,” Marianne says. “You love Blaine, don’t you? You care about him a great deal?”
Clara nods, her mouth wavering a little as she attempts to smile. Blaine can see that her eyes are already welling with tears.
“But you just don’t know how to help, correct?”
Clara nods again.
“Do you also think that maybe, if there are problems at home, that you ignore them? That you don’t acknowledge them?”
Clara looks down, twisting her fingers together. Just barely, she nods.
“Alan,” Marianne says, looking to Blaine’s father. “What do you think about all of this?”
“What do you mean - specifically?” Alan asks, voice quiet.
“What do you think about Blaine feeling so bad that he attempted to take his own life?”
Alan hesitates. “I’m - I’m not sure.”
A lump rises in Blaine’s throat, and he swallows hard. This is the part he was afraid of. He was afraid of the truth finally coming out and his father being forced to admit outright that he doesn’t give a shit about his own son.
“Is it because it’s difficult for you to deal with, or is it because maybe you’re a cause?” Marianne asks. “Or maybe a little bit of both?”
Alan says nothing, and Marianne nods to herself, triumphant.
“Alan, what do you think about your son’s sexuality?”
Alan sighs heavily, looking up at least. He opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. He shakes his head and looks down again
Blaine looks off to the side, away from everyone and blinks fast, trying to stop the sudden flow of tears. He’s known how his father’s felt for a long time, but seeing him basically admit it - it hurts a lot
Marianne sets her clipboard off to the side.
“Alan, I want you to look at me,” she says, and Blaine’s a little surprised at how serious she sounds. Alan looks up, and Marianne dares to continue. “I don’t care how you feel about Blaine’s sexuality, in all honesty. I don’t care if you think it’s disgusting. I don’t care if you’re indifferent. I don’t care if you’re struggling to accept it, or whatever, but you cannot let that come in the way of Blaine’s healing process. Blaine needs support right now. He needs people to take care of him and make him feel like he’s worth something, because he is. That boy over there, Alan - that boy is your son, and for the past three years he’s felt so low of himself that he’s wanted to die. Do you wish that for him, Alan? Is that something you want for your son?”
Alan shakes his head. “No,” he says quietly. “I don’t.”
“Then put your prejudice and ignorance aside and help him,” Marianne says. “Because if you don’t suck it up and become the father figure he needs, Blaine is not going to heal. He might reach a point where he feels okay, but he’s always going to have that weight on his shoulders that is the lack of your support and acceptance. If you want to stay a part of Blaine’s life, you’re going to have to do this. If you can’t get past whatever it is that’s holding you back from being a real father to Blaine, then you can’t be in his life. You can’t subject him to that, Alan. Your behavior is fuel to his depression and poison to his self-esteem.”
Marianne pauses, and there’s a ringing silence.
“Do you think you could do that, Alan?” she asks quietly. “Do you think you could put everything aside and be there for your son?”
It takes Alan a long moment to answer, but eventually, he lifts his head and nods. “I can,” he says. “I will.”
Marianne sits back, and shoots a pleased look at Blaine. “Good.” She pulls her clipboard back onto her lap and looks towards Clara. “I don’t doubt that you care about your son, I really don’t, but condoning your husband’s behavior is just not acceptable, do you understand?”
Clara nods. “I - I know I haven’t been the best about that - “ she looks to her son, “ - and, Blaine, I’m so sorry. I just - I want you to know that I love you. You and your brother are my absolute pride and joy, and all I want is for you to be happy in life.”
Blaine offers a small smile, not trusting himself to speak. He’s always thought of his mother as so distant. She may have cried about his depression over and over, but Blaine’s never really felt like she’s tried to connect with him. She doesn’t try to help him - at least not enough, but Blaine’s beginning to understand that he can’t blame her if she never really knew how.
Marianne turns to him now. “Blaine, I want you to be honest with me now. Your parents - the way they’ve treated you - do you think that any of it at all has effect on your depression?”
Blaine nods, swallowing hard
“Like what?” Marianne asks, and she gives a small nod as if to say “Keep your eyes on me.”
“Well, mostly it’s my dad,” Blaine starts carefully. “I just - I feel very inadequate. I feel like I’m always letting him down, and I hate it. It - it really does make me feel worthless.”
“Why do you feel that way, Blaine?”
“I don’t - I don’t really think he approves of my sexuality,” Blaine says quietly. “I feel like he’s against it, and - and like he doesn’t want to have a gay son. I mean, as long as he’s got Cooper, I’m not really important, right?”
Marianne nods, pressing her lips together. She lets a silent beat pass by before looking back to Alan.
“They way Blaine describes it - is that how you feel, Alan?” she asks. “Does Blaine let you down constantly? Would you rather not consider him your son?”
“No,” Alan says without missing a beat. “I don’t - he is my son. And he does make me proud.”
“Do you let him know that?” Marianne asks.
“I don’t - maybe not enough,” Alan answers
“Do you not approve of his sexuality?”
“Not - not entirely,” Alan says slowly. “It’s - it’s a process. I was raised a certain way, and - and I just - it’s hard, but I’m trying.”
“But maybe not a quick enough pace,” Marianne says. “Maybe Blaine doesn’t know that.”
Alan nods, licking his lips
“Alan, is there anything you want to say to your son?”
Blaine finally dares to look over at him. His heart is racing in his chest and he’s finding it hard to breathe. Hearing his father saying these things, hearing him be completely honest - it’s good, but it’s not the answers he’s exactly looking for. He’s just glad they’re making progress, and maybe there’s hope for the future.
Alan lets out a noise between a humorless laugh and a scoff. “Blaine, I - I know I’m not the best father. I know I’ve shown Cooper more acceptance and probably more love. I just - I don’t know what to do, Blaine. You know, I was raised a Christian, and - and I honestly - I never expected to have to deal with something like this. And then there’s the depression, the suicide attempts on top of this, and it’s been pushing us further away from each other.” He sighs, hanging his head. “Blaine, I don’t want you to have to feel like this. I agree with your mom - I want you to be happy. Son, you aren’t letting me down, you have to know that. I just - I’m going to need time to deal with these things. I’ve got to learn to let go of past beliefs, I’ve got to learn about depression and what you need, I’ve got to learn how to help you in the best ways that I can - it’s a lot for me, Blaine, and I know you’re probably thinking that you deserve more than what I’m giving you, and you do, but I’m working on it, son. I promise you.”
Blaine nods, blinking fast. His breath is shaky as he tries to take everything in. All he’s ever gotten from his father was radiating disappointment, and now that it’s turned out that maybe that isn’t the case - it’s difficult for Blaine to wrap his head around. He forces out a small smile, and chokes a little as he says, “Um - thanks - thank you, Dad. I . . . appreciate it.”
Alan gives a small nod back, twitching his lips just briefly into an awkward grin.
“Alright,” Marianne says, looking between all of them. “I think we’re about done here. If you two would just allow me a moment alone with Blaine.”
Alan and Clara stand up and thank her before exiting the room.
The door to Marianne’s office shuts with a small thud, and Blaine turns back to her. He’s on the verge of tears, his breathing becoming more and more rapid as he tries to take in what’s just happened. He knows his father will have words to say with him later, but right now he just wants to thank Marianne for sticking up for him, since he’s never been able to do it himself.
Marianne stares at him for just a moment before coming over and wrapping her arms around him, hugging him tight. He buries his face in her shoulder, trying to calm himself. They sit still for a few minutes, Blaine trying to work through everything that’s swirling around in his mind.
As Blaine finally pulls away, Marianne looks at him carefully. “Are you okay, Blaine?”
He nods, sniffling, and then wipes his eyes and nose on his sleeve. “I just - I’m a little overwhelmed, that’s all.”
“About what?”
Blaine shrugs. “Everything. I just - for so long I’ve felt like such a disappointment to my parents, but knowing that at least my mom doesn’t feel that way, it’s just - it’s such a relief. I wish my dad would be a little easier to deal with, but - “
“Give your dad time, Blaine,” Marianne says, rubbing her hand along his forearm. “He’s not a malicious man, I can see that. To me, it just seems he has difficulties with adjusting. And you know it doesn’t help when an older sibling sets expectations for you to follow. You and your father will work through this together, and if you ever want to bring him back, just let me know, okay?”
Blaine nods, sniffling again. “Thank you, Marianne,” he says quietly. “What you did today, I - I feel like it’s going to help me a lot.”
Marianne smiles. “It’s what I’m here for, Blaine.”
.
.
Blaine’s six-week term comes to an end on the next visiting day. Kurt, Carole, and Finn show up to take him out for lunch, since he was technically let off the hook right after breakfast - however, his parents are picking him up around four.
Blaine’s sitting in the lobby when Kurt and his family show up, and Blaine practically leaps out of his seat. He hurries over to them, throwing himself into Kurt’s arms and hugging him tightly.
“Hey,” Kurt says brightly as Blaine pulls back. He reaches out and grips Blaine’s upper arms, smiling. “You’re going home today.”
Blaine nods, smiling widely in return. “I know. We won’t have to get by on seeing each other just once a week anymore.”
Kurt shakes his head. “I suppose, but I’m really proud of you, Blaine.” He reaches down, fixing the collar of Blaine’s shirt. “You’ve come so far, and I’m really happy for you.”
Blaine looks down, trying to hide his blush. “Thank you,” he says quietly.
Kurt takes Blaine’s hand, entwining their fingers together. “Alright, I’m sorry - enough of the sappiness. Should we get going?”
“Please,” Blaine says, looking back up. “I haven’t had anything proper to eat in six weeks.”
Kurt laughs as they walk out to the car. It’s a sunny day, the temperature absolutely perfect. Blaine looks up at the cloudless sky, his ears filling with the sound of chirping birds and the traffic that moves through the streets. It’s a beautiful day, and Blaine can see it.
They end up eating at some kind of bar and grill, getting a booth right next to the window so Blaine can look out and admire the life outside - people walking past the window, cyclists weaving between them and the cars on the street. Couples walking by with their arms around each other and children holding tightly to their parents
After awhile, Blaine turns his attention to inside the restaurant. He looks around, taking in all of the people talking and laughing, looking happy and alive. It feels good to finally be one of them.
Kurt gives his hand a squeeze under the table. “What are you thinking about?” he asks.
Blaine shrugs. “I’m just happy,” he answers honestly. “I mean sure, I’m not one hundred percent yet. These anti-depressants are kicking my ass with the list of side-effects, but it’s just nice to feel a lot better than I have in the past three years.”
Kurt takes his hand from Blaine’s and rubs his leg, smiling. “Once again, I’m really happy for you.” He leans in, brushing a kiss on Blaine’s lips.
“Hey, hey - with the PDA, come on,” Finn cuts in, pointing a hand at them.
“We’re in Cincinnati,” Kurt replies. “Let me enjoy it.”
Carole laughs, shaking her head. As Kurt pulls away, she asks, “So, Blaine - how do you feel about going home?”
“Relieved,” he says, reaching for his water. “It’s been nearly three months. I’m so ready to go home.” He takes a sip as he listens to Carole’s reply.
“Are you still planning on going back to school?”
Blaine sets his glass back down, clearing his throat. “Actually, I’m not sure. I’m still not completely caught up, and I mean - I’ve only got three weeks left. It would kind of be pointless to go back. I think my parents are just planning on getting my assignments and homeschooling me at a more comfortable pace.”
Carole nods. “That’s understandable.”
“Yeah,” Blaine says. “The school’s being really generous about it. Either pity or sympathy, I can’t tell. Either way, I really appreciate it. Trying to jump right back into everything would probably be disastrous. I mean it’s going to take me another month to adjust to the anti-depressants alone.”
“How are they working for you?” Carole asks. “Do you think you’ve found the right ones?”
Blaine nods. “Oh, yeah. They’re working great,” he assures. “It’s just the side-effects are insane.”
“Like what?” Carole asks, raising an eyebrow.
Blaine thinks for a moment. “I mean - it depends on the day, really. Today, I’m feeling fine, thank God. But I’ve had two panic attacks since I started taking them, which are the worst part of it. Mostly I’m either exhausted, nauseous, or both. My nurse told me that hopefully, everything will mellow out within the next few weeks.”
“Well, that’s good,” Carole says. “I mean, at least they’re working.”
Blaine nods, licking his lips. He looks outside again, squinting against the sunlight. “Other than the side effects, they’re working great.”
.
.
They arrive back at the hospital at around three-forty-five, which gives Blaine just enough time to get his things together and head back downstairs to meet his parents in the lobby. Kurt, Carole, and Finn stick around to see Blaine off. As they wait for Blaine’s parents, he holds onto Kurt’s hand tightly, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.
Finally, the doors open and the Andersons come through, Cooper tagging along behind them. Blaine feels his heart leap and he stands, making his way over to them. Cooper gets to him first, wrapping his arms around his brother and holding him tight.
“Cooper, you’re home,” Blaine says excitedly as he pulls away.
“And you’re still in here,” Cooper says, giving him a scolding look. “Mom and Dad had to fill me in.”
Blaine smiles sheepishly. “I’m sorry?”
Cooper rolls his eyes. “Just as long as you’re getting better, and you promise me you won’t ever try to kill yourself again. Or you at least be honest with me, and warn me if you’re going to pull something like that again.”
“I won’t attempt it anymore,” Blaine assures. “I think three times is enough.”
Cooper nods, pressing his lips together. “Well, I certainly hope so.” He gives Blaine a pat on the shoulder and steps back, allowing their parents to see him.
Blaine swallows hard, looking up first at his mother, and then his father
“You all ready?” Alan asks, and Blaine nods.
“Good,” Clara says, smiling sweetly. “We’ve got everything ready for at home, sweetie. I went down to Dalton yesterday and brought all of your things home. I’ve also got manicotti ready to cook - your favorite.”
Blaine smiles, laughing slightly. His cheeks feel warm, and he knows he’s blushing. “Thanks, Mom,” he says, sharing a look with Cooper. He watches as Cooper glances over his head, looking intently at something and then grinning. He turns around and remembers that, duh, Kurt is there.
“Oh, um - Mom, Dad,” he says, taking a deep breath. “I want to introduce you to somebody.&rdquo
He turns and walks nervously over to Kurt. He knows that maybe this isn’t the best idea, maybe it’s still a little too much for his father, but he doesn’t want to hide their relationship, not when it’s the thing that’s really kept Blaine going
Blaine smiles as he steps up to Kurt. He reaches down, grabbing Kurt’s hand
“Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend - Kurt. He’s - he’s helped me through a lot of this, and I think it’s really because of him that I’ve made so much progress.” Blaine holds his breath as he watches his parents’ reactions. His mother smiles and claps her hands together. His father’s face stays blank but he nods, acknowledging Kurt.
“It’s - uh - it’s good to meet you, Kurt,” Alan says.
“Thank you so much for being there for our son,” Clara says, and she takes Kurt’s hand, shaking it vigorously.
Kurt smiles at them both. “It’s good to meet you both, and, really, Mrs. Anderson, it’s nothing. Blaine’s - Blaine’s really great.” He looks over, grinning at Blaine, his expression brimming with pride.
“Well,” Alan says. “We should get going, Blaine. Your mother’s been worked up over the manicotti all day. We’ll - we’ll see you later, Kurt.”
Alan walks away awkwardly, Clara following after him. Cooper breathes a sigh and moves over to Blaine, shaking his head.
“That was tense,” he remarks.
Blaine laughs slightly before turning to Kurt. “I’ll text you, okay?” he says, and Kurt nods. Blaine jogs over to Cooper, taking a deep breath. “God, I was scared he was going to explode. He took it a lot better than I expected.”
“He almost seemed happy for you,” Cooper says. “In his weird, apathetic way.”
Blaine laughs again. “Well, I guess I’ll take it.”
.
.
After dinner, Blaine is completely exhausted. He can feel the side-effects of the anti-depressants kicking in. The nausea isn’t too bad, but his body is achy, and he his eyelids are extremely heavy. He lies down on the couch while his parents and brother clean up the kitchen, trying desperately to stay awake. He doesn’t realize he’s dozed off until he feels his mother’s fingers in his hair
“You feeling okay, sweetheart?” she asks.
Blaine grumbles something incoherent in response.
“Run that by me again?”
“It’s the anti-depressants,” Blaine says, yawning. “Side-effects.”
“What’s wrong?” Clara asks, sitting down on the arm of the couch.
Blaine sighs. “I’m tired, mostly. I kind of feel like I’m getting over a stomach flu.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Clara asks
“No,” Blaine says. “Well, not besides letting me sleep.”
“Well, at least go up to your bed,” Clara says, standing up and holding out her hand. “I’m sure it’ll feel nice after all those nights in the hospital bed.”
Blaine lets her help him up without hesitation. He sways a little once he’s on his feet, but his mother catches him. Slowly, they tackle the steps, making their way up to Blaine’s bedroom, where he collapses onto his bed.
“We’ll try to keep it down,” Clara promises, walking over to him. She leans down and places a gentle kiss to Blaine’s forehead. “Let me know if I can get you anything, okay?”
“Okay,” Blaine says weakly.
“I love you, sweetheart, goodnight.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
“And, Blaine?”
He opens his eyes, seeing that she’s standing in the doorway, ready to turn out the light.
“Yeah?”
“We’re really happy for you and Kurt,” she says, “ - your father and I. And I’m not just speaking for him this time. I know he is. Kurt’s really good for you.”
Blaine smiles. “Thanks.”
“Of course,” Clara replies. “Sleep tight, Blainey.”
“Night, Mom.”
He rolls over onto his side as she shuts out the lights and closes the door. If he were to be honest, coming home had made him a little apprehensive, but now that he is, he’s so glad he’s not in the hospital anymore. It really feels like he’s woken up for the first time since freshman year. And as he listens to the murmurs of his parents and his brother downstairs, he finally feels like he’s got a place among them.
.
chapter 12a