fic: the closest to heaven (10a/12)
Title: he Closest to Heaven
Pairing Kurt/Blaine
Rating: (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count 6,946 for this part; 37,397 overall
Warnings: exual harassment (?) for this part; character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd overall
Summary Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
Kurt wakes up around five, his head aching. His sinuses still feel a little clogged, and he remembers that he’d sobbed himself to sleep the night before. He pushes himself out of bed, and, looking down, realizes he’s still dressed in the clothes he wore yesterday. Normally, he’d never do that, but lately, he doesn’t really care.
Kurt looks around his room, sighing at the mess it’s become. He’s really got no time on his hands lately, and rushing around trying to frantically get everything he needs done all while trying to remain emotionally stable is really taking its toll on him. In fact, he’s thinking about skipping school today; he needs to rest. He’ll talk to Carole when she wakes up and ask her to call him in.
Sighing, Kurt swipes up his phone from his bedside table. There’s the usual batch of encouraging texts from the glee club, this round including words from Mercedes, Rachel, Tina, Artie, and Sam. There are also two from Blaine, and, against his better judgment, Kurt opens them. He reads them, and is thoroughly perplexed.
Blaine
hey this isn’t blaine it’s his roommate puck. i’m going through his phone and trying to find people to contact because his parents aren’t answering.
Blaine (cont.)
i saw your number at the top of the list so i’m going to call you and explain everything becuz i don’t want to over text.
Kurt exits out of the message, and sure enough, there’s a little red number one over his missed calls, as well as his voicemail. Kurt swallows hard before going to listen to the message.
“Hey, like I said in that text, I’m Blaine’s roommate, Puck. The hospital’s been trying to contact to his parents, but they aren’t answering, so I took it upon myself to call Blaine’s friends and alert them about what’s going on. You’re the last person he texted, so I figured you must be pretty important. Uh, the thing is - Blaine’s in the ICU right now. He tried to kill himself like an hour ago, and he’s lost a lot of blood. Um, I guess he might be in some kind of comatose state right now, but I’m not exactly sure. Anyway, I just figured you’d like to know, and it would be really good if you could come visit him or whatever, because I think Blaine could use somebody right now.”
The ending beep, sounds and Kurt nearly drops his phone. It slips between his fingers and he catches it at the last second by reflex. In short, Kurt feels like he’s going to throw up. Last night, he was so fed up, so tired of everything, and he hadn’t even thought twice about the things he’d said to Blaine or leaving him behind. And he honestly hadn’t thought Blaine was serious. (Which in hindsight was pretty stupid, because Blaine was in a mental hospital for God’s sake)
Kurt sits down on the edge of his bed and runs his fingers through his hair. He looks down at his phone, seeing that Puck had called him last night at eight, which means Blaine had tried to commit suicide around seven - just three hours after they had talked. And now apparently, he’s in intensive care and possibly a coma. Kurt feels his eyes sting, and he closes them, shaking his head.
He doesn’t know how long he sits, letting everything sink in and fighting the urge to cry, but eventually he has enough to sense to get up and make he was way downstairs, planning to head to the hospital. He finds a pen and a piece of paper in the junk drawer of the kitchen and scribbles a note to Carole. And then he’s on his way, feeling more and more on edge as he drives to the hospital.
It’s a long drive, but, at last, Kurt pulls into the parking lot. He rushes inside to the ICU, skidding to a halt in front of the receptionist.
“Hi,” he says, and his voice sounds shaky. “Um, I’m - I’m looking for Blaine Anderson? He was just staying in the Mood Disorders Center, and I guess he tried to kill himself again and lost a lot of blood?”
The receptionist is a little startled, but she says calmly, “Ah, yes - Mr. Anderson is staying in room one-oh-eight. That’ll be straight ahead, and then take the first right. It should be down that hallway.”
Kurt nods, thanking her, and then hurries off. He takes deep breaths as he walks down the hall, trying and failing to brace himself for what he’s about to see. The door to Blaine’s room is wide open, and Kurt looks around before stepping inside. His heart just about falls to his feet.
Blaine looks positively awful. He’s pale as snow, dark circles etched underneath his eyes. However, it’s his arms that send shivers up Kurt’s spine. They’re covered in thick bandages, but some blood has still leaked through, and Kurt can now guess the method that Blaine used. Nausea rages in Kurt’s stomach and he begins to wonder if what happened yesterday hurt Blaine so bad that he was really that desperate for release, that he actually sat down and drove a razor through his skin over and over in order to drain himself of blood at an incredibly slow pace.
“Can I help you?”
Kurt jumps, startled. He hadn’t noticed the nurse sitting at the desk in the corner
“I just - I’m - I’m here for Blaine,” he says, blinking fast against the tears he feels coming. “How’s - how’s he doing?”
The nurse hesitates, pressing her lips together slightly. “Well, he’s been given a few blood transfusions, so he’s not in danger of blood loss anymore.”
“What about the comatose state?” Kurt asks.
The nurse shrugs. “I just know that he’s been unconscious since we brought him here last night. I think the doctors are hoping he’ll wake up within the next twenty-four hours. The blood transfusions should help.”
Kurt nods, blinking fast again. He doesn’t know how much longer he can try and hold it together. He takes a step towards Blaine, not even sure what he’s planning to do. He just wants to see Blaine open his eyes and smile. He wants to tell Blaine how sorry he is for being so inconsiderate yesterday, and just - that he’s stupid. That he’s so stupid for not considering Blaine’s feelings and cutting off their friendship and saying the things that he did.
“Excuse me?”
Kurt turns, looking at the nurse. She’s staring at him curiously
“Yes?”
“Are - are you, by any chance, Kurt?”
Kurt blinks, surprised and more than a little suspicious. “How - how do you know that?”
“I was Blaine’s nurse in the MDC,” she says. “I’m Emma Pillsbury.”
“Kurt Hummel,” he says.
“I - I don’t mean to pry, but, are you - did something happen with you and Blaine? The rest of the staff and I have been trying to figure out what provoked Blaine, and he - well, he talks of you very fondly.”
Kurt swallows hard. Will - will they blame him for this if he tells the truth?
“Well,” Kurt starts, hesitant. “I mean - I haven’t really talked to him in the last few days since my dad died. And - and we - he and I, uh - we talked yesterday and had a bit of a disagreement.”
Emma nods, as if it all makes sense to her. “Well, listen, Kurt,” she says, taking a step closer to him. “You shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened, okay? Blaine hasn’t exactly been stable these last few weeks. In fact, we haven’t even started him on anti-depressants. That was going to happen next week.” She breaks off, letting out a sigh. “It’s always hard for people to deal with friends or family who have a mental illness. You’re not always sure what can set them off, what can trigger the illness and the actions that follow, so don’t take this out on yourself, Kurt. Whatever happened yesterday, you couldn’t have known how Blaine would react. Blaine has a lot of issues to work out - whatever happened between you two was just one of them - and he’s incapable of dealing with them normally. The depression prevents that, so it really isn’t your fault, Kurt. Okay?”
He could say a million things in retort. He could tell her how he could have been more careful, could have been less harsh. He could have reminded himself that Blaine was depressed and suicidal, therefore being more cautious about the things that he said. He could have tried to understand the position Blaine was in. But Kurt doesn’t say any of that. Instead he just nods, offering a weak, insincere smile.
“Well,” Emma says. “I’ve got to get back to the MDC. If I don’t see you later - goodbye, Kurt.”
Kurt nods. “Goodbye.”
He watches as she leaves the room, her words still swirling around in his mind. He doesn’t exactly agree with her, but he knows he should. Right now, he’s just too focused on the fact that after he fought with Blaine, after Blaine talked about being suicidal, he went off and tried to kill himself as soon as Kurt was gone. Kurt had a hand in this, and he really can’t not blame himself.
Kurt’s breath starts to hitch and shudder, the tears beginning to fall down his face. He lets out a small sob and moves forward. He grabs a chair and scoots up to Blaine’s bedside, laying his hand on Blaine’s arm.
“H - hi, Blaine,” he begins quietly. “Listen, I - I know you can’t hear me, but I have to let this out. Blaine, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I said those things to you. I’m sorry I accused you of just trying to guilt-trip me and that I didn’t take your feelings seriously. I’m just really sorry that I even thought about cutting things off in the first place.” He’s crying hard now, his eyes locked on Blaine’s pale face as he rambles.
“And, you know, the truth is - the - the other day when we kissed, it was amazing, Blaine. I - I really care about you and it was stupid of me to let grief get in the way of that. You mean a lot to me. You have since the day we met, and I’ve really begun to fall for you, okay? So, please, just hang in there. Just - just stay alive for me, okay? Blaine, I can’t deal with someone else I care about leaving me. Ev - even though I almost left you - I - that was just stupid. I couldn’t have done it anyway, Blaine. I just - I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and I’d take everything I said back if I could. You’re my best friend, Blaine, and honestly? I’d like you to be more. So, God, just - just don’t die. Don’t die. Don’t ever try to kill yourself again, and please, please stay strong for me. I - “
Kurt hangs his head, letting the sobs engulf him. He lets them rack his body, shaking him to his core. He feels the pain gripping his chest, tearing at his heart, and he lets it all out. He cries and he cries until he can’t find any tears left, and he reaches out, grabbing Blaine’s hand and holding it tightly.
“Don’t give up, Blaine,” he croaks out. “You mean too much to me to die.”
Blaine does nothing. His hand stays limp in Kurt’s, and Kurt hangs his head again, closing his eyes and wishing he could wake up from this nightmare.
.
.
The bell rings overhead, and Blaine lets out a groan as he rushes through the hallway, clutching his books tightly to his chest. He really can’t afford to be late again, but it looks like being on time is out of question.
As he rounds the corner, he slams into something hard.
“Hey - “
And he’s thrown to the ground, books flying out of his hand.
“ - watch where you’re going, faggot.”
.
.
The airport is bustling, and Blaine keeps tightly to his mother’s side. Today, they’re escorting Cooper to his flight to Los Angeles. After getting his acting degree, or as he put it -“wasting precious time in class to get a piece of paper that means nothing in Hollywood”, he hadn’t been able to wait to move. He’s been so excited to start getting real auditions and real acting jobs, and since graduation, he’s been so happy and bright.
And the happier he is, the sadder Blaine feels. Blaine doesn’t want Cooper to leave. Not yet, anyway. He’d just like Cooper to stay until he’s finished with high school. He starts his freshman year in just two weeks, and, to be honest, he’s terrified. He knows the bullying’s going to be even worse this year - plus he’s taking harder classes, he’s on the soccer team, and he’s thinking about joining choir.
Not to mention, he’d like to come out.
But he doesn’t think he can do it without Cooper. Cooper might have not always paid attention to Blaine, but he was generally supportive in an annoying, “great, but you could do better” kind of way. Somehow, Blaine just knows that Cooper would be the one to tell; he’s the only person right now that Blaine feels comfortable telling. His parents - they sound like a nightmare. And the kids at school - well, they wouldn’t really be surprised. They’d probably just up the bullying.
Blaine looks up as they reach Cooper’s terminal. His mother is already crying, and his father smiles, eyes glittering with pride. Blaine wishes he could get that look out of their father, hopes that maybe someday he can.
Cooper hugs their parents first, promising his mother that he’ll call every day, and yes, he’ll be careful in L.A. He reaches Blaine, a bright smile on face, which contrasts with the empty feeling that’s settled in Blaine’s chest.
“I’m going to miss you, bud,” he says, clapping Blaine on the shoulder.
“I’ll miss you too,” Blaine replies. “Good - good luck, Cooper.”
Cooper pulls him in for a tight hug, tucking his head against Blaine’s. Blaine closes his eyes, willing with all of his energy for Cooper not to leave, but when Cooper pulls away, he knows he’s being stupid. Cooper’s twenty-three, and he’s got a life to live. He always has, and he always will; Blaine should be used to it.
But it still hurts when Cooper turns, waving one last goodbye before boarding his plane.
.
.
Another night, another strained family meal.
Blaine plays with his food, waiting for the questions to start rolling again.
Lately, his parents have been extra overbearing. Now that he’s in high school, they’ve just locked down on him, checking up on him as much as they can to make sure that he’s keeping up his grades and behaving and doing everything that they want him to do.
“So, Blaine,” his mother starts, and he stifles a sigh. “You’ve got your first high school dance coming up; are you excited?”
“Yes, mother,” he replies, hoping his sarcasm isn’t too obvious.
“Are you going to ask anyone special?”
Blaine shrugs, taking a bite to keep from talking.
“You know,” his father joins in. “My friend Robert has a daughter around your age. I’m sure you’d like her, Blaine.”
And there goes Blaine’s appetite.
No - he’s fairly certain he won’t like this Robert guy’s daughter. He’s fairly certain he won’t like any girl his parents try to set him up with.
“Actually,” he says, “I don’t think I’m going to the dance.”
“Why not?” his mother asks, confused.
“I have a big test the following Monday,” Blaine explains. “I need all the study time I can get.”
“Well, if you’re sure,” his mother says, disappointed.
“Do you want me to talk to Robert anyway?” his father presses.
“No - that’s okay,” Blaine says hurriedly. “I’m sure his daughter is a lovely girl, but I’m just not - I’m not interested in being in a relationship right now. I just started high school, I’ve got loads of homework to do, the soccer season is in full swing. I’m good.”
His father nods, heaving a sigh, and Blaine looks down at his plate to hide his exasperated look.
.
.
“Thanks for going with me, Blaine. I had a really nice time tonight.”
Blaine looks down at his shoes, smiling to the ground. A hand wraps itself around his, and his breath hitches as he looks up, finding Jason’s eyes. Jason gives his fingers a squeeze, and Blaine smiles wider. Jason’s hand feels nice in his. The early spring night is chilly, but Blaine feels completely warm. He’s not even sure he wants Jason’s dad to pick them up. He’d stay here all night if it meant being with Jason.
“I had a nice time, too.”
Jason smiles back at him, and that’s when they begin to hear the jeers and the laughter.
Both Jason and Blaine turn as Andrew and his gang come walking toward them, one of them holding a case of beer. Blaine’s heart leaps into his throat, and he begins backing away, pulling Jason with them.
“What - what should we do?”
“Just stay calm,” Jason says. “Just - just try to ignore them. My dad’ll be here soon.”
Blaine nods, swallowing hard. They continue to back away, turning now to walk to the front door of the school. If they could just get around some more people, they’d feel safe. But before Blaine can even take a deep breath, a hand comes down hard on his shoulder. He tries to pull away, but someone grips his neck, pulling him back and yanking him away from Jason.
“Blaine!”
“What’s going on, faggots?” Andrew asks, looking between Blaine and Jason. They’re both struggling against one of Andrew’s friends, trying to free themselves from the tight grips. “Man, I was looking forward to this dance, but then you two homos had to go and infect it with your fairy dust. ‘S disgusting.”
Blaine doesn’t like the way he’s slurring his words. His heart races even faster, adrenaline coursing through his veins.
“I think,” Andrew says, grinning, “that we should teach you two a lesson about how to behave.” He makes a grab for Jason, pulling him forward and then throwing him to the ground. Jason closes his eyes tightly as he gasps for breath.
“Jason!” Blaine shouts involuntarily.
Andrew laughs, looking over to him. “Oh, Blaine.”
He walks over slowly, staring Blaine up and down. Blaine thrashes against the hold Andrew’s friend has got on him, but to no avail. Andrew reaches out, his hands sliding into Blaine’s hair, his fingers then closing around Blaine’s curls. He yanks Blaine’s head back, staring into his eyes. Blaine can smell the alcohol on his breath, and he swallows hard.
“Leave Jason alone,” Blaine hisses. “Take me, but don’t touch him.”
In a split second, Blaine feels a white-hot pain go through his cheek, and he realizes that Andrew’s just punched him.
“Shut up,” Andrew says through his teeth. “Don’t talk to me, you filth.” He spits in Blaine’s face, and Blaine jerks away.
Andrew steps back, looking Blaine up and down and contemplating for a second.
“Come here,” he says, and his friend shoves Blaine forward. Andrew catches him by the hair, gripping it tightly. He shoves Blaine to his knees, shoving Blaine’s face right in his crotch. “You want it, cocksucker?”
Blaine shakes his head, closing his eyes.
“You don’t?” Andrew asks, surprised. “Well, that’s too bad. Suck it.”
Blaine does nothing. He stays still, keeping his eyes shut firmly.
“I said suck it, faggot!”
Blaine lets out a whimper, and then Andrew lets out a hearty laugh, his friends laughing with him. He lets Blaine go, throwing him to the cement.
“I’m just messing with you,” he says. “I don’t want your disgusting mouth on my dick. I’d rather have it connecting with my fist.” He moves fast, knuckles connecting square with Blaine’s teeth. Instantly, Blaine tastes the copper tang of blood in his mouth, and he rolls over on the ground, spitting it out.
“Hey, Marty,” Andrew says. “You can go ahead and take Jason. You too, Brad. I want Blaine all to myself.”
Marty begins kicking Jason hard in the head, and Blaine screams. He doesn’t even know what he’s screaming, because at the same time, Andrew kicks him in the ribs. Blaine reaches out, trying hard to scramble away, but Andrew won’t let him have it. He comes fast with kicks and punches, sending sharp jabs of pain with every blow. Blaine can hear Andrew’s cries for mercy, but there’s nothing he can do. He can’t even see. Everything is just black or red, and Blaine can feel himself slipping away.
The last thing he can remember is Andrew gripping him by the collar and spitting in his face again before hissing in his ear, “Have fun in hell, queer.”
.
chapter 10b
Pairing Kurt/Blaine
Rating: (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count 6,946 for this part; 37,397 overall
Warnings: exual harassment (?) for this part; character death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd overall
Summary Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
Kurt wakes up around five, his head aching. His sinuses still feel a little clogged, and he remembers that he’d sobbed himself to sleep the night before. He pushes himself out of bed, and, looking down, realizes he’s still dressed in the clothes he wore yesterday. Normally, he’d never do that, but lately, he doesn’t really care.
Kurt looks around his room, sighing at the mess it’s become. He’s really got no time on his hands lately, and rushing around trying to frantically get everything he needs done all while trying to remain emotionally stable is really taking its toll on him. In fact, he’s thinking about skipping school today; he needs to rest. He’ll talk to Carole when she wakes up and ask her to call him in.
Sighing, Kurt swipes up his phone from his bedside table. There’s the usual batch of encouraging texts from the glee club, this round including words from Mercedes, Rachel, Tina, Artie, and Sam. There are also two from Blaine, and, against his better judgment, Kurt opens them. He reads them, and is thoroughly perplexed.
Blaine
hey this isn’t blaine it’s his roommate puck. i’m going through his phone and trying to find people to contact because his parents aren’t answering.
Blaine (cont.)
i saw your number at the top of the list so i’m going to call you and explain everything becuz i don’t want to over text.
Kurt exits out of the message, and sure enough, there’s a little red number one over his missed calls, as well as his voicemail. Kurt swallows hard before going to listen to the message.
“Hey, like I said in that text, I’m Blaine’s roommate, Puck. The hospital’s been trying to contact to his parents, but they aren’t answering, so I took it upon myself to call Blaine’s friends and alert them about what’s going on. You’re the last person he texted, so I figured you must be pretty important. Uh, the thing is - Blaine’s in the ICU right now. He tried to kill himself like an hour ago, and he’s lost a lot of blood. Um, I guess he might be in some kind of comatose state right now, but I’m not exactly sure. Anyway, I just figured you’d like to know, and it would be really good if you could come visit him or whatever, because I think Blaine could use somebody right now.”
The ending beep, sounds and Kurt nearly drops his phone. It slips between his fingers and he catches it at the last second by reflex. In short, Kurt feels like he’s going to throw up. Last night, he was so fed up, so tired of everything, and he hadn’t even thought twice about the things he’d said to Blaine or leaving him behind. And he honestly hadn’t thought Blaine was serious. (Which in hindsight was pretty stupid, because Blaine was in a mental hospital for God’s sake)
Kurt sits down on the edge of his bed and runs his fingers through his hair. He looks down at his phone, seeing that Puck had called him last night at eight, which means Blaine had tried to commit suicide around seven - just three hours after they had talked. And now apparently, he’s in intensive care and possibly a coma. Kurt feels his eyes sting, and he closes them, shaking his head.
He doesn’t know how long he sits, letting everything sink in and fighting the urge to cry, but eventually he has enough to sense to get up and make he was way downstairs, planning to head to the hospital. He finds a pen and a piece of paper in the junk drawer of the kitchen and scribbles a note to Carole. And then he’s on his way, feeling more and more on edge as he drives to the hospital.
It’s a long drive, but, at last, Kurt pulls into the parking lot. He rushes inside to the ICU, skidding to a halt in front of the receptionist.
“Hi,” he says, and his voice sounds shaky. “Um, I’m - I’m looking for Blaine Anderson? He was just staying in the Mood Disorders Center, and I guess he tried to kill himself again and lost a lot of blood?”
The receptionist is a little startled, but she says calmly, “Ah, yes - Mr. Anderson is staying in room one-oh-eight. That’ll be straight ahead, and then take the first right. It should be down that hallway.”
Kurt nods, thanking her, and then hurries off. He takes deep breaths as he walks down the hall, trying and failing to brace himself for what he’s about to see. The door to Blaine’s room is wide open, and Kurt looks around before stepping inside. His heart just about falls to his feet.
Blaine looks positively awful. He’s pale as snow, dark circles etched underneath his eyes. However, it’s his arms that send shivers up Kurt’s spine. They’re covered in thick bandages, but some blood has still leaked through, and Kurt can now guess the method that Blaine used. Nausea rages in Kurt’s stomach and he begins to wonder if what happened yesterday hurt Blaine so bad that he was really that desperate for release, that he actually sat down and drove a razor through his skin over and over in order to drain himself of blood at an incredibly slow pace.
“Can I help you?”
Kurt jumps, startled. He hadn’t noticed the nurse sitting at the desk in the corner
“I just - I’m - I’m here for Blaine,” he says, blinking fast against the tears he feels coming. “How’s - how’s he doing?”
The nurse hesitates, pressing her lips together slightly. “Well, he’s been given a few blood transfusions, so he’s not in danger of blood loss anymore.”
“What about the comatose state?” Kurt asks.
The nurse shrugs. “I just know that he’s been unconscious since we brought him here last night. I think the doctors are hoping he’ll wake up within the next twenty-four hours. The blood transfusions should help.”
Kurt nods, blinking fast again. He doesn’t know how much longer he can try and hold it together. He takes a step towards Blaine, not even sure what he’s planning to do. He just wants to see Blaine open his eyes and smile. He wants to tell Blaine how sorry he is for being so inconsiderate yesterday, and just - that he’s stupid. That he’s so stupid for not considering Blaine’s feelings and cutting off their friendship and saying the things that he did.
“Excuse me?”
Kurt turns, looking at the nurse. She’s staring at him curiously
“Yes?”
“Are - are you, by any chance, Kurt?”
Kurt blinks, surprised and more than a little suspicious. “How - how do you know that?”
“I was Blaine’s nurse in the MDC,” she says. “I’m Emma Pillsbury.”
“Kurt Hummel,” he says.
“I - I don’t mean to pry, but, are you - did something happen with you and Blaine? The rest of the staff and I have been trying to figure out what provoked Blaine, and he - well, he talks of you very fondly.”
Kurt swallows hard. Will - will they blame him for this if he tells the truth?
“Well,” Kurt starts, hesitant. “I mean - I haven’t really talked to him in the last few days since my dad died. And - and we - he and I, uh - we talked yesterday and had a bit of a disagreement.”
Emma nods, as if it all makes sense to her. “Well, listen, Kurt,” she says, taking a step closer to him. “You shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened, okay? Blaine hasn’t exactly been stable these last few weeks. In fact, we haven’t even started him on anti-depressants. That was going to happen next week.” She breaks off, letting out a sigh. “It’s always hard for people to deal with friends or family who have a mental illness. You’re not always sure what can set them off, what can trigger the illness and the actions that follow, so don’t take this out on yourself, Kurt. Whatever happened yesterday, you couldn’t have known how Blaine would react. Blaine has a lot of issues to work out - whatever happened between you two was just one of them - and he’s incapable of dealing with them normally. The depression prevents that, so it really isn’t your fault, Kurt. Okay?”
He could say a million things in retort. He could tell her how he could have been more careful, could have been less harsh. He could have reminded himself that Blaine was depressed and suicidal, therefore being more cautious about the things that he said. He could have tried to understand the position Blaine was in. But Kurt doesn’t say any of that. Instead he just nods, offering a weak, insincere smile.
“Well,” Emma says. “I’ve got to get back to the MDC. If I don’t see you later - goodbye, Kurt.”
Kurt nods. “Goodbye.”
He watches as she leaves the room, her words still swirling around in his mind. He doesn’t exactly agree with her, but he knows he should. Right now, he’s just too focused on the fact that after he fought with Blaine, after Blaine talked about being suicidal, he went off and tried to kill himself as soon as Kurt was gone. Kurt had a hand in this, and he really can’t not blame himself.
Kurt’s breath starts to hitch and shudder, the tears beginning to fall down his face. He lets out a small sob and moves forward. He grabs a chair and scoots up to Blaine’s bedside, laying his hand on Blaine’s arm.
“H - hi, Blaine,” he begins quietly. “Listen, I - I know you can’t hear me, but I have to let this out. Blaine, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I said those things to you. I’m sorry I accused you of just trying to guilt-trip me and that I didn’t take your feelings seriously. I’m just really sorry that I even thought about cutting things off in the first place.” He’s crying hard now, his eyes locked on Blaine’s pale face as he rambles.
“And, you know, the truth is - the - the other day when we kissed, it was amazing, Blaine. I - I really care about you and it was stupid of me to let grief get in the way of that. You mean a lot to me. You have since the day we met, and I’ve really begun to fall for you, okay? So, please, just hang in there. Just - just stay alive for me, okay? Blaine, I can’t deal with someone else I care about leaving me. Ev - even though I almost left you - I - that was just stupid. I couldn’t have done it anyway, Blaine. I just - I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and I’d take everything I said back if I could. You’re my best friend, Blaine, and honestly? I’d like you to be more. So, God, just - just don’t die. Don’t die. Don’t ever try to kill yourself again, and please, please stay strong for me. I - “
Kurt hangs his head, letting the sobs engulf him. He lets them rack his body, shaking him to his core. He feels the pain gripping his chest, tearing at his heart, and he lets it all out. He cries and he cries until he can’t find any tears left, and he reaches out, grabbing Blaine’s hand and holding it tightly.
“Don’t give up, Blaine,” he croaks out. “You mean too much to me to die.”
Blaine does nothing. His hand stays limp in Kurt’s, and Kurt hangs his head again, closing his eyes and wishing he could wake up from this nightmare.
.
.
The bell rings overhead, and Blaine lets out a groan as he rushes through the hallway, clutching his books tightly to his chest. He really can’t afford to be late again, but it looks like being on time is out of question.
As he rounds the corner, he slams into something hard.
“Hey - “
And he’s thrown to the ground, books flying out of his hand.
“ - watch where you’re going, faggot.”
.
.
The airport is bustling, and Blaine keeps tightly to his mother’s side. Today, they’re escorting Cooper to his flight to Los Angeles. After getting his acting degree, or as he put it -“wasting precious time in class to get a piece of paper that means nothing in Hollywood”, he hadn’t been able to wait to move. He’s been so excited to start getting real auditions and real acting jobs, and since graduation, he’s been so happy and bright.
And the happier he is, the sadder Blaine feels. Blaine doesn’t want Cooper to leave. Not yet, anyway. He’d just like Cooper to stay until he’s finished with high school. He starts his freshman year in just two weeks, and, to be honest, he’s terrified. He knows the bullying’s going to be even worse this year - plus he’s taking harder classes, he’s on the soccer team, and he’s thinking about joining choir.
Not to mention, he’d like to come out.
But he doesn’t think he can do it without Cooper. Cooper might have not always paid attention to Blaine, but he was generally supportive in an annoying, “great, but you could do better” kind of way. Somehow, Blaine just knows that Cooper would be the one to tell; he’s the only person right now that Blaine feels comfortable telling. His parents - they sound like a nightmare. And the kids at school - well, they wouldn’t really be surprised. They’d probably just up the bullying.
Blaine looks up as they reach Cooper’s terminal. His mother is already crying, and his father smiles, eyes glittering with pride. Blaine wishes he could get that look out of their father, hopes that maybe someday he can.
Cooper hugs their parents first, promising his mother that he’ll call every day, and yes, he’ll be careful in L.A. He reaches Blaine, a bright smile on face, which contrasts with the empty feeling that’s settled in Blaine’s chest.
“I’m going to miss you, bud,” he says, clapping Blaine on the shoulder.
“I’ll miss you too,” Blaine replies. “Good - good luck, Cooper.”
Cooper pulls him in for a tight hug, tucking his head against Blaine’s. Blaine closes his eyes, willing with all of his energy for Cooper not to leave, but when Cooper pulls away, he knows he’s being stupid. Cooper’s twenty-three, and he’s got a life to live. He always has, and he always will; Blaine should be used to it.
But it still hurts when Cooper turns, waving one last goodbye before boarding his plane.
.
.
Another night, another strained family meal.
Blaine plays with his food, waiting for the questions to start rolling again.
Lately, his parents have been extra overbearing. Now that he’s in high school, they’ve just locked down on him, checking up on him as much as they can to make sure that he’s keeping up his grades and behaving and doing everything that they want him to do.
“So, Blaine,” his mother starts, and he stifles a sigh. “You’ve got your first high school dance coming up; are you excited?”
“Yes, mother,” he replies, hoping his sarcasm isn’t too obvious.
“Are you going to ask anyone special?”
Blaine shrugs, taking a bite to keep from talking.
“You know,” his father joins in. “My friend Robert has a daughter around your age. I’m sure you’d like her, Blaine.”
And there goes Blaine’s appetite.
No - he’s fairly certain he won’t like this Robert guy’s daughter. He’s fairly certain he won’t like any girl his parents try to set him up with.
“Actually,” he says, “I don’t think I’m going to the dance.”
“Why not?” his mother asks, confused.
“I have a big test the following Monday,” Blaine explains. “I need all the study time I can get.”
“Well, if you’re sure,” his mother says, disappointed.
“Do you want me to talk to Robert anyway?” his father presses.
“No - that’s okay,” Blaine says hurriedly. “I’m sure his daughter is a lovely girl, but I’m just not - I’m not interested in being in a relationship right now. I just started high school, I’ve got loads of homework to do, the soccer season is in full swing. I’m good.”
His father nods, heaving a sigh, and Blaine looks down at his plate to hide his exasperated look.
.
.
“Thanks for going with me, Blaine. I had a really nice time tonight.”
Blaine looks down at his shoes, smiling to the ground. A hand wraps itself around his, and his breath hitches as he looks up, finding Jason’s eyes. Jason gives his fingers a squeeze, and Blaine smiles wider. Jason’s hand feels nice in his. The early spring night is chilly, but Blaine feels completely warm. He’s not even sure he wants Jason’s dad to pick them up. He’d stay here all night if it meant being with Jason.
“I had a nice time, too.”
Jason smiles back at him, and that’s when they begin to hear the jeers and the laughter.
Both Jason and Blaine turn as Andrew and his gang come walking toward them, one of them holding a case of beer. Blaine’s heart leaps into his throat, and he begins backing away, pulling Jason with them.
“What - what should we do?”
“Just stay calm,” Jason says. “Just - just try to ignore them. My dad’ll be here soon.”
Blaine nods, swallowing hard. They continue to back away, turning now to walk to the front door of the school. If they could just get around some more people, they’d feel safe. But before Blaine can even take a deep breath, a hand comes down hard on his shoulder. He tries to pull away, but someone grips his neck, pulling him back and yanking him away from Jason.
“Blaine!”
“What’s going on, faggots?” Andrew asks, looking between Blaine and Jason. They’re both struggling against one of Andrew’s friends, trying to free themselves from the tight grips. “Man, I was looking forward to this dance, but then you two homos had to go and infect it with your fairy dust. ‘S disgusting.”
Blaine doesn’t like the way he’s slurring his words. His heart races even faster, adrenaline coursing through his veins.
“I think,” Andrew says, grinning, “that we should teach you two a lesson about how to behave.” He makes a grab for Jason, pulling him forward and then throwing him to the ground. Jason closes his eyes tightly as he gasps for breath.
“Jason!” Blaine shouts involuntarily.
Andrew laughs, looking over to him. “Oh, Blaine.”
He walks over slowly, staring Blaine up and down. Blaine thrashes against the hold Andrew’s friend has got on him, but to no avail. Andrew reaches out, his hands sliding into Blaine’s hair, his fingers then closing around Blaine’s curls. He yanks Blaine’s head back, staring into his eyes. Blaine can smell the alcohol on his breath, and he swallows hard.
“Leave Jason alone,” Blaine hisses. “Take me, but don’t touch him.”
In a split second, Blaine feels a white-hot pain go through his cheek, and he realizes that Andrew’s just punched him.
“Shut up,” Andrew says through his teeth. “Don’t talk to me, you filth.” He spits in Blaine’s face, and Blaine jerks away.
Andrew steps back, looking Blaine up and down and contemplating for a second.
“Come here,” he says, and his friend shoves Blaine forward. Andrew catches him by the hair, gripping it tightly. He shoves Blaine to his knees, shoving Blaine’s face right in his crotch. “You want it, cocksucker?”
Blaine shakes his head, closing his eyes.
“You don’t?” Andrew asks, surprised. “Well, that’s too bad. Suck it.”
Blaine does nothing. He stays still, keeping his eyes shut firmly.
“I said suck it, faggot!”
Blaine lets out a whimper, and then Andrew lets out a hearty laugh, his friends laughing with him. He lets Blaine go, throwing him to the cement.
“I’m just messing with you,” he says. “I don’t want your disgusting mouth on my dick. I’d rather have it connecting with my fist.” He moves fast, knuckles connecting square with Blaine’s teeth. Instantly, Blaine tastes the copper tang of blood in his mouth, and he rolls over on the ground, spitting it out.
“Hey, Marty,” Andrew says. “You can go ahead and take Jason. You too, Brad. I want Blaine all to myself.”
Marty begins kicking Jason hard in the head, and Blaine screams. He doesn’t even know what he’s screaming, because at the same time, Andrew kicks him in the ribs. Blaine reaches out, trying hard to scramble away, but Andrew won’t let him have it. He comes fast with kicks and punches, sending sharp jabs of pain with every blow. Blaine can hear Andrew’s cries for mercy, but there’s nothing he can do. He can’t even see. Everything is just black or red, and Blaine can feel himself slipping away.
The last thing he can remember is Andrew gripping him by the collar and spitting in his face again before hissing in his ear, “Have fun in hell, queer.”
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chapter 10b