fic: the closest to heaven (9/12)
Title: he Closest to Heaven
Pairing Kurt/Blaine
Rating: (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count 3,393 for this part; 30,451 overall
Warnings: haracter death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
.
.
The rest of the night is blur
Blaine remembers wrapping his arms tightly around Kurt’s waist as he sobbed into Blaine’s shoulder. He remembers closing his eyes and pressing his cheek against the top of Kurt’s head as the tears leaked through. He remembers Finn going into shock and sinking down to the floor where he put his head in his hands. He remembers Carole pleading frantically with the nurses before she finally understood what they were trying to tell her
Eventually, Kurt’s taken away from him. He’s whisked away along with his family, and Blaine remembers peaking into Burt’s room only to see his now lifeless body lying on the bed. Somehow, Blaine ends up in a bathroom, throwing up all the contents of his stomach. He doesn’t remember how he gets back to the Mood Disorders Center, but he does. He remembers finding Emma, pleading with her and begging her to get him out of group and lecture.
Marianne ends up in the picture somehow and Blaine remembers spending a long time in her office, trying to talk but never finding the words. He starts out on the couch, curled into a ball, and then suddenly, he’s standing up, grabbing the throw pillows from the couch and hurling them across the room. That’s when Marianne calls Emma in and Blaine’s taken, not to his room, but to a padded room. He’s not shoved into a straightjacket, which Blaine’s thankful for, because he immediately begins punching the walls, letting out all his anger, anxiety, and confusion. He punches and punches until his arms get tired and his legs give out underneath him.
He lays on the one mattress until Emma comes back with a small cup of water and a pill. She orders Blaine to take it, telling him that it’ll knock him out, help him get to sleep, and he takes it without hesitation, just wanting to get away right now. He’s not sure what the hell he’s taken, but thankfully, his sleep ends up dreamless, and it does help to calm him down, if just for the night.
.
.
When Blaine wakes up, he finds that a blanket’s been draped over him. He’s surprisingly comfortable, though he’s not sure what it is about the padded room that feels nicer than his own. However, as he pushes himself up, he’s alerted to the aches all over his body, throbbing especially in his head and neck. He lets out a groan and falls back to the floor.
Slowly, everything is starting to come back to him. His mind is piecing through everything that happened last night, but it’s still so unclear. There are only two things Blaine knows for sure: Burt’s dead, and Blaine lost his mind. A sinking feeling grips him, and something in his chest clenches tight.
He doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to be feeling right now. He hardly knew Burt, but at the same time - the guy cared about him more than Blaine’s father ever did. Blaine had been starting to feel at home with that family, only to have everything whisked away yet again.
Blaine begins thinking about Kurt, how awful he must be feeling. Blaine thinks about just a few hours before everything came crashing down, when they were kissing behind that tree in the courtyard and all of Blaine’s dreams came true.
What’s going to happen now?
Blaine’s not sure, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready to find out. He just wants Kurt to be okay, wants them to be okay. However, he knows that’s going to be no easy feat. Kurt’s father has just died, for God’s sake, there’s going to be a lot of different struggles. Blaine just hopes they can get through them together.
There’s a knock on the door, and Blaine sits up. Slowly, the door opens, and Emma peeks her head inside. She smiles once she sees Blaine, stepping into the room.
“How are you?” she asks, a little wary, and Blaine can feel the tension.
“Calmer,” he replies with a sigh.
Emma nods, twisting her hands together, and Blaine feels a small pang of guilt. He can’t remember exactly what he did last night, but it must have been bad. Not only because of the padded room confinement, but also because of the fact that Emma’s staring at him with a very obviously nervous expression on her face.
“I’m sorry,” Blaine adds, quieter. “I didn’t - I don’t remember everything that happened, but what I can - that was uncalled for.”
Emma shakes her head, lowering herself to kneel beside Blaine. She reaches out, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “No. Honestly, it wasn’t, Blaine. Whatever happened, it affected you greatly, and in your condition . . . You’re healing, Blaine, that’s true. But you’re still vulnerable, still susceptible to things like that.”
“Still,” Blaine says earnestly. “I’m sorry.”
Emma gives him a pat, and then draws her hand back. “Do you - are you comfortable with telling me what happened?” she asks carefully, and Blaine swallows hard, looking away from her. “It’s okay if you’re not,” Emma adds quickly.
Blaine shakes his head, taking a deep breath. “It’s just - Kurt’s father died last night.”
Emma’s eyes widen, and it’s obvious she understands. “I’m - I’m so sorry.”
Blaine presses his lips together. “I didn’t know him well, really, but he cared about me, and I just - it would have been nice to have someone like him around after I got out of here.”
Emma nods, and she reaches out, rubbing her hand up and down Blaine’s arm. “How are things between you and Kurt?”
Blaine’s stomach flip-flops, and his heart stutters. “Actually, I - I don’t know. I hope we’re doing well, because - “ He breaks off, taking a deep breath. Staring at his lap, he says softly, “Kurt kissed me yesterday. We got lunch together and then went out to the courtyard, and he kissed me.”
Emma stares at him for a moment, surprised, and then she smiles hesitantly. “Well, Blaine - that’s great. I - I really hope you two manage to work things out in your favor.”
“Me too,” Blaine says, and he bites his lip. “I - I really like him.”
“Have you felt like that for awhile?” Emma asks.
Blaine shrugs. “Well, I’ve only noticed the feelings for about a week and a half.”
“I’ve known longer than that,” Emma says with a sly smile, and Blaine smirks half-heartedly. There are a few moments of silence, and then Emma says, “You really care about him, don’t you?”
Blaine nods, smiling shakily. “I really do. He’s the one that’s given me hope to get through this, Emma. With - without him, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Well, I wish you the best of luck,” Emma says, offering a small look of encouragement
Blaine heaves a sigh, letting the room fall quiet. After a minute or two, Emma stands up.
“Well, we should get going,” Emma says. “Breakfast is waiting.”
Blaine pushes himself up reluctantly and follows after her, eager to get out of the padded room. He sincerely hopes he’ll never have to set foot in it again, no matter how much more comfortable it is than his own room. Being in there makes him feel like a complete lunatic, and it’s the last thing he needs.
.
.
Blaine doesn’t see Kurt at all for the rest of the day. Or the day after that. It isn’t until four days, fifty-six unanswered texts, and seventeen missed calls later that Blaine finally runs into Kurt in the lobby of the Cardiovascular Institute.
“Kurt?” Blaine asks, and he’s almost convinced it’s not him. Blaine was sure Kurt had completely forgotten about him (and nearly had to spend another night in the padded room).
He turns, finding Blaine’s eyes. He forces a weak, insincere smile and walks over to him
“Hi,” he says quietly.
“Oh my god, I’ve been worried sick about you,” Blaine says, and he tries to keep his voice even. “You haven’t been answering my texts or calls, and I - I haven’t seen you. How - how are you holding up?” He swallows hard, feeling the tightness in his throat.
Kurt shrugs, looking past Blaine
“Kurt?” Blaine asks. “Look, I - I know what sadness feels like, what pain feels like. I have depression, remember? If anyone’s going to understand, it’s me.”
Kurt’s eyes snap back, and he narrows them as he looks at Blaine. “Have you ever lost a parent?”
“No,” Blaine says slowly. “I mean not to death, but they don’t really care about me, so - “
“Then I don’t think you’d understand,” Kurt says, and his voice has a sharpness to it.
Blaine involuntarily takes a step back, his heart starting to pound hard in his chest. He swallows against the ever-present lump in his throat, and continues in a small voice, “Kurt?”
“You don’t get it,” Kurt continues, clenching his teeth together. “You’ve never lost someone you love, Blaine. You don’t understand this kind of pain, okay? You may understand other kinds, but not this, and it’s not going to help me if you pretend like you do.”
Blaine’s silent for a long moment as he stares at Kurt, trying to wrap his head around what Kurt’s saying and the way that he’s acting. “What - what are you trying to say?”
Kurt sighs and runs a hand across his worn face. “I’m saying that . . . you’re not helping. I don’t want to talk to you about this, and I - I’m sorry about ignoring you the past few days, but maybe - maybe if it’s best if we just cooled things down for awhile.”
Blaine blinks, still lost. He’s starting to get a hint of what Kurt wants, and it’s making him nauseous. It’s definitely not what Blaine wants for them.
“So - so this is it?” Blaine asks, his voice shaking. “After everything, you’re just going to forget and move on? After all those times we reached out to each other and leaned on each other? After what happened the other day? That - that all meant nothing to you?” Blaine can feel the backs of his eyes burning, but he wills himself not to give in. Not now.
Kurt sighs again, running a hand through his hair and gripping it tight for a second. “No, Blaine, I just - I’m saying that - I have a lot going on right now, okay?”
“I do, too, you know,” Blaine says coldly. “I’ve had a lot going on this whole time.”
Kurt stops short, raising his eyebrows, his mouth hanging open slightly. “Blaine, I - my dad, he - he’s dead.”
“Yeah, well you know what?” Blaine asks. “I wish I was.”
Kurt shakes his head, pressing his lips together. “Blaine, don’t - don’t you do that to me.”
“Do what?” Blaine asks. “Be honest? Because that’s all I’m doing.” He can feel sobs building in his throat, threatening to surface, but he manages to hold them back.
“Blaine, seriously,” Kurt says. “You can’t guilt-trip me at a time like this. Look, I didn’t say I wouldn’t like to be friends. I didn’t mean anything like that, okay? I’m just - I’m really messed up right now. I’m planning a funeral and trying and failing to mourn. Plus, I’ve got school and glee club, and I feel like I’m going to fall apart at the seams. Don’t - don’t turn this into a ‘my horse is bigger than your horse’ thing.”
“I’m not trying to,” Blaine says, blinking at him in surprise. “I just - I wanted to help, Kurt. I wanted to help you cope, but you replied by trying to make me feel inadequate. You - you don’t even know the least of it. Do - do you really think I’m just trying to guilt-trip you? That I’m joking around and trying to take advantage of you by just throwing out some suicidal comment? Because newsflash, Kurt - I’ve been suicidal for two and a half years.”
Kurt’s eyes widen, and he holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “No, Blaine - I never - “
“You never meant anything like that?” Blaine asks, and his voice is beginning to rise. “Well, it came out like that. And look, Kurt, I know you’re going through a rough time right now, but so am I, and I just - I don’t appreciate you pushing me off to the side without considering what I’m feeling.”
“I’m not trying to push you off to the side,” Kurt says disbelievingly. “Blaine, why can’t you understand that I just can’t worry about us right now? I have to work through the mess of my life before I can even begin to figure this out.”
“So, we can’t - we can’t even be friends?” Blaine asks. “You’re just - you’re going to walk away and never come back? You’re just going to turn your back on me?”
“No,” Kurt says, but he doesn’t sound confident about his answer.
“Are we - are we even allowed to text Kurt?” Blaine asks, his voice growing soft again. “Can we even talk?”
“I - I don’t know.”
Blaine nods, pressing his lips together. He feels like the sobs are going to break through any second, so he swallows hard again, pushing them back.
“Well, alright,” he says. “That’s - that’s just great, Kurt. Because it’s not like I depended on you. It’s not like I dreamt about that kiss before it happened. It’s not like you’re the one that saved me from myself. It’s not like you’re the one that made me see a light out of the darkness. Whatever, it’s fine.”
Kurt’s face falls, the hard lines and angles going smooth. “Blaine - “
Blaine shakes his head, and tears are falling now. “No, Kurt, forget it. It doesn’t even matter. You can delete my number from your phone. You can walk out of here and never come back. I get it - I’m not important enough to you.”
Kurt’s eyebrows crease together, and anger enters his expression again. “Blaine, I never said that. Will you please stop putting words in my mouth?”
“Well, it’s pretty easy to guess what you’re thinking,” Blaine replies acidly. “You’re just like everyone else, Kurt. You don’t understand how depression works, and that’s fine. You don’t understand how different things can trigger me, I get it. But I just figured when I was so open and honest with you, you could return the favor. I figured that maybe you would understand how much I need you, but honestly, it’s fine. You’ve got bigger to things to worry about; everyone does.” He chokes a little, his mind flashing back to Cooper. “Honestly, Kurt - just forget about me, okay? I knew from the day I got here that I’d never be able to fix anything. “
Kurt hesitates, staring at Blaine. “Blaine, I - I don’t know what to say, okay? I mean, I’m sorry, but I just - you have to understand what I’m going through - “
“What you’re going through?” Blaine asks, incredulous. He turns on the spot, pivoting around his heel. “God, what don’t you get, Kurt? You have a support system, okay? You have people there ready to help you through this, including me. Do you know what I have? Nothing. Cooper’s gone, my parents don’t even care about me. You know, they haven’t visited me - not once. They’d rather have me dead, and I’m about ready to grant that wish. Kurt, I don’t have anything. I had you, but it’s clear to me right now that you don’t even care. You’ll walk out of here and deal with your problems and eventually move on. I won’t. I’ll keep living each day in agony until that precious moment that death takes me away.” Blaine laughs, almost hysterical. “You are so goddamn lucky, and you don’t even know it!”
“Lucky?” Kurt asks, and he is hysterical. “Please tell me you’re joking, Blaine. I’m an orphan.”
“Yeah, well that doesn’t define who you are,” Blaine replies. “My illness does. You can still mourn and move on and keep living your life. Do you even realize how difficult that would be for me? I can’t do that. I can’t move on from anything. Nothing works. No matter what I do, Kurt. So you know what, you can take your problems and just get out of here. Obviously, you’re not going to stick around, so it’s best we just get this over with now.”
Kurt stands, frozen, staring at Blaine with a mixture of shock and disgust.
“What?” Blaine asks.
Kurt scoffs. “You’re unbelievable. I can’t believe that you don’t have any sympathy for me. Why are you being so heartless?”
“Because I’m dead on the inside,” Blaine answers.
Kurt rolls his eyes and begins to turn away.
Blaine’s anger disappears almost completely, replaced by a stabbing sadness in his chest. The sobs start to break free and he’s tripping over his next words.
“Yeah, just go ahead Kurt. You don’t even care about me, do you? Well, might as well just add another funeral to your list. I’ll do my best to get it over with as soon as possible so it doesn’t mess up your mourning schedule.”
Kurt turns around as he leaves, shooting Blaine a glare.
Blaine watches as he walks away, out towards the parking lot. By now, the pain in his chest is sharp, and the sobs begin to rip through his throat. His head is spinning, and his stomach is churning. He can’t believe that just happened. All his hope and happiness - just shattered
Cooper’s gone, his parents don’t care, and now Kurt’s just left him.
But now it’s all clear, at least. He’s not going to get better. Not ever. What happened with Kurt was just the last final tease, and Blaine knows what he has to do now. But first, his stomach demands his attention. He makes his way to the bathroom, and hurries into one of the stalls, falling to his knees as he vomits a few times. Gripping the sides of the toilet, he hangs his head, his forehead resting against the cool porcelain.
Soon this will all be over
Soon there won’t be any more pain.
.
.
The razor feels like some sort of weight in his pocket, attached to a loud siren and flashing lights. He knows that no one can see it, but still, it’s making him anxious. He can’t sit still and his nerves feel like they’re on fire. But Blaine’s almost used to it; he felt like this the last two times as well.
Blaine looks around the lobby as he enters the Mood Disorders Center. He spots Emma across the room, speaking with a different patient. He hurries through the room, turning into the hallway that leads to his and Puck’s room. Blaine knows that Puck will be gone at therapy for the next hour or so, so he’ll have the room to himself to do this.
When he reaches their room, anxiety is practically bubbling in his stomach, but at the same time, he almost feels a sense of accomplishment. By the time Puck returns, Blaine will finally have achieved what he’s always wanted. He’ll finally be free of the pain and the worry and the fear; he’ll be happy.
Blaine makes his way into the bathroom, his legs a little shaky. He takes one look in the mirror and then begins.
It’s over, he thinks. It’s finally over.
.
.
Puck breathes a sigh of relief as he reaches the room he shares with Blaine. He’s got an hour of free time before group starts, and it’s the perfect time to take a nap. That’ll hopefully lift his spirits and take his mind off his father and the therapy session he just finally escaped.
He steps inside, and that’s when Puck notices the bathroom door ajar. He feels his eyebrows crease together as he moves forward. Something’s wrong, so very wrong.
“Blaine?”
He’s there, slumped on the ground with a pool of blood around him, oozing out from his mutilated arms.
“Blaine!”
Puck lowers himself to the ground, not even caring that Blaine’s blood is soaking through his jeans. Blaine’s chest is still moving up and down, and his skin is warm.
“Somebody help! Mrs. Pillsbury! Anyone! We’ve got some guy bleeding to death in here! Please, help me!”
“Blaine… “
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chapter 10a
Pairing Kurt/Blaine
Rating: (see warnings, also - sexual situations in later chapters)
Word Count 3,393 for this part; 30,451 overall
Warnings: haracter death, depression, self-harm, suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalization, hospitalization for heart issues, bullying, gay-bashing, homophobia, talk of drug and alcohol abuse, talk of involvement with gangs, talk of ocd
Summary Confined to the walls of the UC Neuroscience Institute, Blaine Anderson has completely given up on life. But when he meets Kurt Hummel - a boy who’s remaining strong even though his own life is falling apart, Blaine begins to realize that maybe he doesn’t have to give up just yet. Maybe he’s strong enough to keep fighting.
.
.
The rest of the night is blur
Blaine remembers wrapping his arms tightly around Kurt’s waist as he sobbed into Blaine’s shoulder. He remembers closing his eyes and pressing his cheek against the top of Kurt’s head as the tears leaked through. He remembers Finn going into shock and sinking down to the floor where he put his head in his hands. He remembers Carole pleading frantically with the nurses before she finally understood what they were trying to tell her
Eventually, Kurt’s taken away from him. He’s whisked away along with his family, and Blaine remembers peaking into Burt’s room only to see his now lifeless body lying on the bed. Somehow, Blaine ends up in a bathroom, throwing up all the contents of his stomach. He doesn’t remember how he gets back to the Mood Disorders Center, but he does. He remembers finding Emma, pleading with her and begging her to get him out of group and lecture.
Marianne ends up in the picture somehow and Blaine remembers spending a long time in her office, trying to talk but never finding the words. He starts out on the couch, curled into a ball, and then suddenly, he’s standing up, grabbing the throw pillows from the couch and hurling them across the room. That’s when Marianne calls Emma in and Blaine’s taken, not to his room, but to a padded room. He’s not shoved into a straightjacket, which Blaine’s thankful for, because he immediately begins punching the walls, letting out all his anger, anxiety, and confusion. He punches and punches until his arms get tired and his legs give out underneath him.
He lays on the one mattress until Emma comes back with a small cup of water and a pill. She orders Blaine to take it, telling him that it’ll knock him out, help him get to sleep, and he takes it without hesitation, just wanting to get away right now. He’s not sure what the hell he’s taken, but thankfully, his sleep ends up dreamless, and it does help to calm him down, if just for the night.
.
.
When Blaine wakes up, he finds that a blanket’s been draped over him. He’s surprisingly comfortable, though he’s not sure what it is about the padded room that feels nicer than his own. However, as he pushes himself up, he’s alerted to the aches all over his body, throbbing especially in his head and neck. He lets out a groan and falls back to the floor.
Slowly, everything is starting to come back to him. His mind is piecing through everything that happened last night, but it’s still so unclear. There are only two things Blaine knows for sure: Burt’s dead, and Blaine lost his mind. A sinking feeling grips him, and something in his chest clenches tight.
He doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to be feeling right now. He hardly knew Burt, but at the same time - the guy cared about him more than Blaine’s father ever did. Blaine had been starting to feel at home with that family, only to have everything whisked away yet again.
Blaine begins thinking about Kurt, how awful he must be feeling. Blaine thinks about just a few hours before everything came crashing down, when they were kissing behind that tree in the courtyard and all of Blaine’s dreams came true.
What’s going to happen now?
Blaine’s not sure, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready to find out. He just wants Kurt to be okay, wants them to be okay. However, he knows that’s going to be no easy feat. Kurt’s father has just died, for God’s sake, there’s going to be a lot of different struggles. Blaine just hopes they can get through them together.
There’s a knock on the door, and Blaine sits up. Slowly, the door opens, and Emma peeks her head inside. She smiles once she sees Blaine, stepping into the room.
“How are you?” she asks, a little wary, and Blaine can feel the tension.
“Calmer,” he replies with a sigh.
Emma nods, twisting her hands together, and Blaine feels a small pang of guilt. He can’t remember exactly what he did last night, but it must have been bad. Not only because of the padded room confinement, but also because of the fact that Emma’s staring at him with a very obviously nervous expression on her face.
“I’m sorry,” Blaine adds, quieter. “I didn’t - I don’t remember everything that happened, but what I can - that was uncalled for.”
Emma shakes her head, lowering herself to kneel beside Blaine. She reaches out, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “No. Honestly, it wasn’t, Blaine. Whatever happened, it affected you greatly, and in your condition . . . You’re healing, Blaine, that’s true. But you’re still vulnerable, still susceptible to things like that.”
“Still,” Blaine says earnestly. “I’m sorry.”
Emma gives him a pat, and then draws her hand back. “Do you - are you comfortable with telling me what happened?” she asks carefully, and Blaine swallows hard, looking away from her. “It’s okay if you’re not,” Emma adds quickly.
Blaine shakes his head, taking a deep breath. “It’s just - Kurt’s father died last night.”
Emma’s eyes widen, and it’s obvious she understands. “I’m - I’m so sorry.”
Blaine presses his lips together. “I didn’t know him well, really, but he cared about me, and I just - it would have been nice to have someone like him around after I got out of here.”
Emma nods, and she reaches out, rubbing her hand up and down Blaine’s arm. “How are things between you and Kurt?”
Blaine’s stomach flip-flops, and his heart stutters. “Actually, I - I don’t know. I hope we’re doing well, because - “ He breaks off, taking a deep breath. Staring at his lap, he says softly, “Kurt kissed me yesterday. We got lunch together and then went out to the courtyard, and he kissed me.”
Emma stares at him for a moment, surprised, and then she smiles hesitantly. “Well, Blaine - that’s great. I - I really hope you two manage to work things out in your favor.”
“Me too,” Blaine says, and he bites his lip. “I - I really like him.”
“Have you felt like that for awhile?” Emma asks.
Blaine shrugs. “Well, I’ve only noticed the feelings for about a week and a half.”
“I’ve known longer than that,” Emma says with a sly smile, and Blaine smirks half-heartedly. There are a few moments of silence, and then Emma says, “You really care about him, don’t you?”
Blaine nods, smiling shakily. “I really do. He’s the one that’s given me hope to get through this, Emma. With - without him, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Well, I wish you the best of luck,” Emma says, offering a small look of encouragement
Blaine heaves a sigh, letting the room fall quiet. After a minute or two, Emma stands up.
“Well, we should get going,” Emma says. “Breakfast is waiting.”
Blaine pushes himself up reluctantly and follows after her, eager to get out of the padded room. He sincerely hopes he’ll never have to set foot in it again, no matter how much more comfortable it is than his own room. Being in there makes him feel like a complete lunatic, and it’s the last thing he needs.
.
.
Blaine doesn’t see Kurt at all for the rest of the day. Or the day after that. It isn’t until four days, fifty-six unanswered texts, and seventeen missed calls later that Blaine finally runs into Kurt in the lobby of the Cardiovascular Institute.
“Kurt?” Blaine asks, and he’s almost convinced it’s not him. Blaine was sure Kurt had completely forgotten about him (and nearly had to spend another night in the padded room).
He turns, finding Blaine’s eyes. He forces a weak, insincere smile and walks over to him
“Hi,” he says quietly.
“Oh my god, I’ve been worried sick about you,” Blaine says, and he tries to keep his voice even. “You haven’t been answering my texts or calls, and I - I haven’t seen you. How - how are you holding up?” He swallows hard, feeling the tightness in his throat.
Kurt shrugs, looking past Blaine
“Kurt?” Blaine asks. “Look, I - I know what sadness feels like, what pain feels like. I have depression, remember? If anyone’s going to understand, it’s me.”
Kurt’s eyes snap back, and he narrows them as he looks at Blaine. “Have you ever lost a parent?”
“No,” Blaine says slowly. “I mean not to death, but they don’t really care about me, so - “
“Then I don’t think you’d understand,” Kurt says, and his voice has a sharpness to it.
Blaine involuntarily takes a step back, his heart starting to pound hard in his chest. He swallows against the ever-present lump in his throat, and continues in a small voice, “Kurt?”
“You don’t get it,” Kurt continues, clenching his teeth together. “You’ve never lost someone you love, Blaine. You don’t understand this kind of pain, okay? You may understand other kinds, but not this, and it’s not going to help me if you pretend like you do.”
Blaine’s silent for a long moment as he stares at Kurt, trying to wrap his head around what Kurt’s saying and the way that he’s acting. “What - what are you trying to say?”
Kurt sighs and runs a hand across his worn face. “I’m saying that . . . you’re not helping. I don’t want to talk to you about this, and I - I’m sorry about ignoring you the past few days, but maybe - maybe if it’s best if we just cooled things down for awhile.”
Blaine blinks, still lost. He’s starting to get a hint of what Kurt wants, and it’s making him nauseous. It’s definitely not what Blaine wants for them.
“So - so this is it?” Blaine asks, his voice shaking. “After everything, you’re just going to forget and move on? After all those times we reached out to each other and leaned on each other? After what happened the other day? That - that all meant nothing to you?” Blaine can feel the backs of his eyes burning, but he wills himself not to give in. Not now.
Kurt sighs again, running a hand through his hair and gripping it tight for a second. “No, Blaine, I just - I’m saying that - I have a lot going on right now, okay?”
“I do, too, you know,” Blaine says coldly. “I’ve had a lot going on this whole time.”
Kurt stops short, raising his eyebrows, his mouth hanging open slightly. “Blaine, I - my dad, he - he’s dead.”
“Yeah, well you know what?” Blaine asks. “I wish I was.”
Kurt shakes his head, pressing his lips together. “Blaine, don’t - don’t you do that to me.”
“Do what?” Blaine asks. “Be honest? Because that’s all I’m doing.” He can feel sobs building in his throat, threatening to surface, but he manages to hold them back.
“Blaine, seriously,” Kurt says. “You can’t guilt-trip me at a time like this. Look, I didn’t say I wouldn’t like to be friends. I didn’t mean anything like that, okay? I’m just - I’m really messed up right now. I’m planning a funeral and trying and failing to mourn. Plus, I’ve got school and glee club, and I feel like I’m going to fall apart at the seams. Don’t - don’t turn this into a ‘my horse is bigger than your horse’ thing.”
“I’m not trying to,” Blaine says, blinking at him in surprise. “I just - I wanted to help, Kurt. I wanted to help you cope, but you replied by trying to make me feel inadequate. You - you don’t even know the least of it. Do - do you really think I’m just trying to guilt-trip you? That I’m joking around and trying to take advantage of you by just throwing out some suicidal comment? Because newsflash, Kurt - I’ve been suicidal for two and a half years.”
Kurt’s eyes widen, and he holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “No, Blaine - I never - “
“You never meant anything like that?” Blaine asks, and his voice is beginning to rise. “Well, it came out like that. And look, Kurt, I know you’re going through a rough time right now, but so am I, and I just - I don’t appreciate you pushing me off to the side without considering what I’m feeling.”
“I’m not trying to push you off to the side,” Kurt says disbelievingly. “Blaine, why can’t you understand that I just can’t worry about us right now? I have to work through the mess of my life before I can even begin to figure this out.”
“So, we can’t - we can’t even be friends?” Blaine asks. “You’re just - you’re going to walk away and never come back? You’re just going to turn your back on me?”
“No,” Kurt says, but he doesn’t sound confident about his answer.
“Are we - are we even allowed to text Kurt?” Blaine asks, his voice growing soft again. “Can we even talk?”
“I - I don’t know.”
Blaine nods, pressing his lips together. He feels like the sobs are going to break through any second, so he swallows hard again, pushing them back.
“Well, alright,” he says. “That’s - that’s just great, Kurt. Because it’s not like I depended on you. It’s not like I dreamt about that kiss before it happened. It’s not like you’re the one that saved me from myself. It’s not like you’re the one that made me see a light out of the darkness. Whatever, it’s fine.”
Kurt’s face falls, the hard lines and angles going smooth. “Blaine - “
Blaine shakes his head, and tears are falling now. “No, Kurt, forget it. It doesn’t even matter. You can delete my number from your phone. You can walk out of here and never come back. I get it - I’m not important enough to you.”
Kurt’s eyebrows crease together, and anger enters his expression again. “Blaine, I never said that. Will you please stop putting words in my mouth?”
“Well, it’s pretty easy to guess what you’re thinking,” Blaine replies acidly. “You’re just like everyone else, Kurt. You don’t understand how depression works, and that’s fine. You don’t understand how different things can trigger me, I get it. But I just figured when I was so open and honest with you, you could return the favor. I figured that maybe you would understand how much I need you, but honestly, it’s fine. You’ve got bigger to things to worry about; everyone does.” He chokes a little, his mind flashing back to Cooper. “Honestly, Kurt - just forget about me, okay? I knew from the day I got here that I’d never be able to fix anything. “
Kurt hesitates, staring at Blaine. “Blaine, I - I don’t know what to say, okay? I mean, I’m sorry, but I just - you have to understand what I’m going through - “
“What you’re going through?” Blaine asks, incredulous. He turns on the spot, pivoting around his heel. “God, what don’t you get, Kurt? You have a support system, okay? You have people there ready to help you through this, including me. Do you know what I have? Nothing. Cooper’s gone, my parents don’t even care about me. You know, they haven’t visited me - not once. They’d rather have me dead, and I’m about ready to grant that wish. Kurt, I don’t have anything. I had you, but it’s clear to me right now that you don’t even care. You’ll walk out of here and deal with your problems and eventually move on. I won’t. I’ll keep living each day in agony until that precious moment that death takes me away.” Blaine laughs, almost hysterical. “You are so goddamn lucky, and you don’t even know it!”
“Lucky?” Kurt asks, and he is hysterical. “Please tell me you’re joking, Blaine. I’m an orphan.”
“Yeah, well that doesn’t define who you are,” Blaine replies. “My illness does. You can still mourn and move on and keep living your life. Do you even realize how difficult that would be for me? I can’t do that. I can’t move on from anything. Nothing works. No matter what I do, Kurt. So you know what, you can take your problems and just get out of here. Obviously, you’re not going to stick around, so it’s best we just get this over with now.”
Kurt stands, frozen, staring at Blaine with a mixture of shock and disgust.
“What?” Blaine asks.
Kurt scoffs. “You’re unbelievable. I can’t believe that you don’t have any sympathy for me. Why are you being so heartless?”
“Because I’m dead on the inside,” Blaine answers.
Kurt rolls his eyes and begins to turn away.
Blaine’s anger disappears almost completely, replaced by a stabbing sadness in his chest. The sobs start to break free and he’s tripping over his next words.
“Yeah, just go ahead Kurt. You don’t even care about me, do you? Well, might as well just add another funeral to your list. I’ll do my best to get it over with as soon as possible so it doesn’t mess up your mourning schedule.”
Kurt turns around as he leaves, shooting Blaine a glare.
Blaine watches as he walks away, out towards the parking lot. By now, the pain in his chest is sharp, and the sobs begin to rip through his throat. His head is spinning, and his stomach is churning. He can’t believe that just happened. All his hope and happiness - just shattered
Cooper’s gone, his parents don’t care, and now Kurt’s just left him.
But now it’s all clear, at least. He’s not going to get better. Not ever. What happened with Kurt was just the last final tease, and Blaine knows what he has to do now. But first, his stomach demands his attention. He makes his way to the bathroom, and hurries into one of the stalls, falling to his knees as he vomits a few times. Gripping the sides of the toilet, he hangs his head, his forehead resting against the cool porcelain.
Soon this will all be over
Soon there won’t be any more pain.
.
.
The razor feels like some sort of weight in his pocket, attached to a loud siren and flashing lights. He knows that no one can see it, but still, it’s making him anxious. He can’t sit still and his nerves feel like they’re on fire. But Blaine’s almost used to it; he felt like this the last two times as well.
Blaine looks around the lobby as he enters the Mood Disorders Center. He spots Emma across the room, speaking with a different patient. He hurries through the room, turning into the hallway that leads to his and Puck’s room. Blaine knows that Puck will be gone at therapy for the next hour or so, so he’ll have the room to himself to do this.
When he reaches their room, anxiety is practically bubbling in his stomach, but at the same time, he almost feels a sense of accomplishment. By the time Puck returns, Blaine will finally have achieved what he’s always wanted. He’ll finally be free of the pain and the worry and the fear; he’ll be happy.
Blaine makes his way into the bathroom, his legs a little shaky. He takes one look in the mirror and then begins.
It’s over, he thinks. It’s finally over.
.
.
Puck breathes a sigh of relief as he reaches the room he shares with Blaine. He’s got an hour of free time before group starts, and it’s the perfect time to take a nap. That’ll hopefully lift his spirits and take his mind off his father and the therapy session he just finally escaped.
He steps inside, and that’s when Puck notices the bathroom door ajar. He feels his eyebrows crease together as he moves forward. Something’s wrong, so very wrong.
“Blaine?”
He’s there, slumped on the ground with a pool of blood around him, oozing out from his mutilated arms.
“Blaine!”
Puck lowers himself to the ground, not even caring that Blaine’s blood is soaking through his jeans. Blaine’s chest is still moving up and down, and his skin is warm.
“Somebody help! Mrs. Pillsbury! Anyone! We’ve got some guy bleeding to death in here! Please, help me!”
“Blaine… “
.
chapter 10a