'where is my head, where are my bones, can you save me from myself?'
I booked my tickets today to go down to london. It should be fun, this meet is going to be soooo good! woo! :D
Plus I get to sit in a train for 4 hours, which is nice because I like that feeling of being invisible, insignificant, knowing nobody and just drifting and dreaming and drinking starbucks out of a paper cup.
I had another panic attack today in physics which was very embarassing. I can't believe I'm getting them again. Just keep breathing and counting and breathing and hope that I don't faint and that it goes away.
Anyways. I wrote something really shitty last night. I don't think it really qualifies as either a story or a poem, and it's really short because I was too tired and depressed to think. But I'll post it anyway because I'm bored and have nothing better to do.
'To dream of blind childhood faith is to drink deeply of the poisoned, sweet red wine of paradise. You must let every drop of its deceiving juice caress your lips and tongue, and spread across your chest in a wave of burning nausea. And when you pray for salvation and forgiveness you must remember this and the futility of existence. And you must never, ever forget: that scars don't ever go away.'
I've been thinking about my mood changes. I don't think that this is just normal teenage hormones. But I'm not sure this qualifies as depression, either. Most of the time I feel... well, low, but I can still act okay. Sometimes I get so fucking depressed that it's unbelievable, and have days where I can't move or think or do anything. And then sometimes I feel great. happy. bouncy. 'normal'. But not very often.
And I have an eating disorder, I self-harm. Am scared that my excessive, lone drinking is going to escalate. Me, an alcy?! Pfft.
But I'm not so sure anymore.
I have also decided that I've had enough of men and relationships and people. I will be lonely forever. I like being alone anyway. It just makes me sad but hey, I feel like that even if I'm surrounded by this ignorance and arrogance too so what's the difference? I'd rather be sad on my own. At least then I don't feel like such a freak, sitting on my own and just wishing I was dead. And then at least I don't have to eat, and can cut or burn if I want to. And at least I can't be touched by anyone or anything, and so I don't have to feel, either.
It's easier that way. Easier for me and easier for other people.
I don't need people to 'like' me out of pity anymore.
Plus I get to sit in a train for 4 hours, which is nice because I like that feeling of being invisible, insignificant, knowing nobody and just drifting and dreaming and drinking starbucks out of a paper cup.
I had another panic attack today in physics which was very embarassing. I can't believe I'm getting them again. Just keep breathing and counting and breathing and hope that I don't faint and that it goes away.
Anyways. I wrote something really shitty last night. I don't think it really qualifies as either a story or a poem, and it's really short because I was too tired and depressed to think. But I'll post it anyway because I'm bored and have nothing better to do.
'To dream of blind childhood faith is to drink deeply of the poisoned, sweet red wine of paradise. You must let every drop of its deceiving juice caress your lips and tongue, and spread across your chest in a wave of burning nausea. And when you pray for salvation and forgiveness you must remember this and the futility of existence. And you must never, ever forget: that scars don't ever go away.'
I've been thinking about my mood changes. I don't think that this is just normal teenage hormones. But I'm not sure this qualifies as depression, either. Most of the time I feel... well, low, but I can still act okay. Sometimes I get so fucking depressed that it's unbelievable, and have days where I can't move or think or do anything. And then sometimes I feel great. happy. bouncy. 'normal'. But not very often.
And I have an eating disorder, I self-harm. Am scared that my excessive, lone drinking is going to escalate. Me, an alcy?! Pfft.
But I'm not so sure anymore.
I have also decided that I've had enough of men and relationships and people. I will be lonely forever. I like being alone anyway. It just makes me sad but hey, I feel like that even if I'm surrounded by this ignorance and arrogance too so what's the difference? I'd rather be sad on my own. At least then I don't feel like such a freak, sitting on my own and just wishing I was dead. And then at least I don't have to eat, and can cut or burn if I want to. And at least I can't be touched by anyone or anything, and so I don't have to feel, either.
It's easier that way. Easier for me and easier for other people.
I don't need people to 'like' me out of pity anymore.