[ongoing] For Who You Are - Ohmiya (9/10)
unbeta
Nine - Insecurities
I know those people might have said something behind my back. I was being ridiculous. Once I was fighting for the baby but now I refuse to even take a look at him.
The pain wasn’t the real reason behind my act. I’ve been facing all the pain since the day I get to know about it and I was strong enough to face it. The real reason behind everything that happened last few days was because of me. I was insecure enough.
The thought that Oh-chan will leave me one day grew stronger day by day and it was tough. I can’t take those thought away from me. I was hoping for more time with him, for him to stay by my side with me being his center of attention. Jun’s explanation last few days helped me to gain back my trust but before I could regain them completely, it happened.
I wasn’t ready and I am just afraid of the future.
The nurse did come just to pump the milk from my breast. At one point, I found myself disgusting. A man bearing a child, even having a breast milk to feed one. Disgusting isn’t it? And for sure people around has started to bitch about it. Huh, a bitch will be a bitch, no matter how you do it.
And there Oh-chan was, walking into the room, worried written on his face but he tried so hard to hide it by a smile. On his embrace is the little baby boy who he cooed lovingly. I turned to my other side, refusing to look at the two.
And then I heard him chuckled.
“gomen ne, Oh-chan junior. Seems like your other papa just jealous that he refused to look at you. It’s sad right, he can’t share my amazement to see how beautiful you are,”
Good, just good Oh-chan. Just when I need you now and your whole attention on that little devil now? He even named him Oh-chan junior. For god sake, he definitely will leave me now. He will leave me and took that baby along. Good just good.
My monologue stopped when his hand on my shoulder. The tense I felt earlier soothed but I still refuse to look at him. Until I heard him sigh.
“I realized something today,” he finally said something. “15 years- No-it was more than that. I thought I understand you enough. I thought we would understand each other even by simple gesture we made, but I was wrong. In the end, I will never understand even a shade of you,”
I heard him humming a song which I barely recognize. I’m sure enough he’s humming to the baby though.
I was startled when he spoke again.
“Speak, Kazu,” he paused. “Because if you don’t, I will never understand what the hell is going on with you and it’s fucking frustrated me! I do understand if you’re mad at me for making such decision before, but now that I care about the baby, why don’t you?”
“It wasn’t the baby,” I replied.
“huh?”
“it wasn’t the baby,” I repeated. “It was us,”
One deep breath before I started explaining everything. I still refuse to look at him while I was explaining but I could hear him sighing as he was listening to my explanation.
“I couldn’t stop thinking that you’ll leave me one day. I don’t know what I will do if that ever happens. To be honest Oh-chan, you never convince me with your reason last time about why you leave. Your lust on me wasn’t the real reason behind that one month of staying away from each other. I kept trying to convince myself that it is but I can’t. My doubt on you grew stronger by days and I start thinking of possibilities of everyting. Of when you’re going to leave me, or the reason to why you came back,”
I paused, glancing at him. From the corner of my eyes, I could see him frowning. Again I took another deep breath before start again.
“there’s scar on my stomach now. One day, you’ll make it as a reason to leave me. That day when you’re bored of me and you’ll leave me using that scar as the reason. You might think that I’m just a disgusting creature who just gives birth to a baby when other man couldn’t do one. and you might leave me for that reason too! I can’t stop thinking about all this! I can’t find the word eternity for this relationship and it’s driving me mad! it makes me feel insecure and I can’t stand it!”
Silent.
The confusing part in this whole explanation was it was hurt, but it didn’t manage to make me to shed tears. I wasn’t crying but only god knows how much hurt it is inside me.
And then I heard the sound of the chair being pushed before I saw him standing up from his seat, still carrying the baby in his arms, making their way to the door. He didn’t even bother to look at me, and his step was confidence.
He is leaving me was my first thought
“so I am right isn’t it?” he stopped. “you’re going to leave me. you’re going to leave me because you’ve had enough of me,”
I heard him chuckled a sarcasm.
“you only noticed it now?” slowly, he turned to look at me again, obviously annoyed. “of course Nino, I’ve had enough of you. I have the baby from you now so what’s the purpose of staying anymore? Of course now that you has that ugly scar on you do you think it is worth to keep what we have between us now? And yes, who is it going to keep a relation with a man who gave birth? You’re weird!”
I don’t understand, I’ve been preparing for this moment for such a long time. But why am I still crying? His words were a repetitive from mine but it stabbing me again and again, gave me all the pain that I never imagine of. i looked away to another side, refuse to let him see it as I shed my tears.
“Why are you crying, Kazu?” he asked. “Aren’t those words are the one you’ve been waiting for?”
I turned to look at him again only to see he was making his way back to me. I frown.
“For me, keeping this relation with you is worth because I love you, Kazu. How could you even think that silly scar will change my heart for you?”
“Oh-chan-“
“I am frustrated you know,” he stopped when he reached at the end of the bed. “I am frustrated because all of this time when I keep convincing you on how much you’re mean to me but in the end, it’s just meaningless,”
He walked approaching me once again before he stopped next to me.
“Your reasoning was so bad, Nino. one time, you’re acting like the baby is your everything. You fight for him. you want me to be responsible for him if anything happen to you, but in the end, you’re using him as a reason to get away from me,”
“I never want to get away from you!” I yelled at him.
“But you’re doing one!” he snapped back at me. “Accusing me that I will stop loving you when everyday it was you I worry about. Telling me that I will get enough of you when I never manage to completely understand you. And imagining that we’re going to take our own way when you just gave birth to my son! I’m not that irresponsible jerk that you’ve been imagining of!”
I couldn’t stop my tears. My doubt has overcome my trust on him. I was too insecure that I couldn’t stop thinking that he will leave me.
“Hold the baby, Kazu,”
“No. please,” I against his request, taking my sight away from them. “I’m not ready,”
“If you didn’t force yourself, when will you? The baby need his other parent so stop acting spoiled. Be responsible!”
Once again, I tried to hide inside the blanket. But Oh-chan wasn’t a man who just knew me yesterday. Despite how laid back his personality is, he knew well how to deal with me. As he saw me not giving any response to his request, he just put the baby next to me, letting the baby without no one holding him. he was at the side of the bed. I couldn’t move even a bit, realizing a simple move from any of us will make the baby to fall to the hard floor.
“Now, listen Kazu. I know thing happened for a reason. I know exactly the reason why you’re being this insecure about staying in relationship. Your childhood memories scared you make you to believe that every love will end with hurt. But please, for this one time could you please let me prove to you whatever things that you’ve been telling yourself weren’t the truth?”
I stay quiet under the blanket. And then I hear him sighs.
“takes as many time as you want, Kazu. But if you ever hope that I will ever leave you alone, you’re wrong. I’ve left you once and it hurt both of us. I’m sure enough that I don’t want to repeat that again, so please, open back your heart for me, and accept this little boy, our son into our life,”
He was stubborn. Slowly he pulled the blanket that was covering my face only to see my face covered with tears. He didn’t wait for any reaction from me when he leaned in, as if ignoring the baby between us, muttering his words to my ears.
“you will always be the precious one for me, kazu. Stop doubting it,” was what he said before he kissed me on my lips.
It was like magic, when my hand instinctively make it way towards the baby, taking him into my embrace.
________________________________________________________________
felt sorry for this chapter. i went unfocussed due to things happen and works. ORZ.
one more chapter and that gonna be fluff.
see ya
eight : A Beautiful Baby Boy || current || Final : I Warned You, Don't Doubt It
Nine - Insecurities
I know those people might have said something behind my back. I was being ridiculous. Once I was fighting for the baby but now I refuse to even take a look at him.
The pain wasn’t the real reason behind my act. I’ve been facing all the pain since the day I get to know about it and I was strong enough to face it. The real reason behind everything that happened last few days was because of me. I was insecure enough.
The thought that Oh-chan will leave me one day grew stronger day by day and it was tough. I can’t take those thought away from me. I was hoping for more time with him, for him to stay by my side with me being his center of attention. Jun’s explanation last few days helped me to gain back my trust but before I could regain them completely, it happened.
I wasn’t ready and I am just afraid of the future.
The nurse did come just to pump the milk from my breast. At one point, I found myself disgusting. A man bearing a child, even having a breast milk to feed one. Disgusting isn’t it? And for sure people around has started to bitch about it. Huh, a bitch will be a bitch, no matter how you do it.
And there Oh-chan was, walking into the room, worried written on his face but he tried so hard to hide it by a smile. On his embrace is the little baby boy who he cooed lovingly. I turned to my other side, refusing to look at the two.
And then I heard him chuckled.
“gomen ne, Oh-chan junior. Seems like your other papa just jealous that he refused to look at you. It’s sad right, he can’t share my amazement to see how beautiful you are,”
Good, just good Oh-chan. Just when I need you now and your whole attention on that little devil now? He even named him Oh-chan junior. For god sake, he definitely will leave me now. He will leave me and took that baby along. Good just good.
My monologue stopped when his hand on my shoulder. The tense I felt earlier soothed but I still refuse to look at him. Until I heard him sigh.
“I realized something today,” he finally said something. “15 years- No-it was more than that. I thought I understand you enough. I thought we would understand each other even by simple gesture we made, but I was wrong. In the end, I will never understand even a shade of you,”
I heard him humming a song which I barely recognize. I’m sure enough he’s humming to the baby though.
I was startled when he spoke again.
“Speak, Kazu,” he paused. “Because if you don’t, I will never understand what the hell is going on with you and it’s fucking frustrated me! I do understand if you’re mad at me for making such decision before, but now that I care about the baby, why don’t you?”
“It wasn’t the baby,” I replied.
“huh?”
“it wasn’t the baby,” I repeated. “It was us,”
One deep breath before I started explaining everything. I still refuse to look at him while I was explaining but I could hear him sighing as he was listening to my explanation.
“I couldn’t stop thinking that you’ll leave me one day. I don’t know what I will do if that ever happens. To be honest Oh-chan, you never convince me with your reason last time about why you leave. Your lust on me wasn’t the real reason behind that one month of staying away from each other. I kept trying to convince myself that it is but I can’t. My doubt on you grew stronger by days and I start thinking of possibilities of everyting. Of when you’re going to leave me, or the reason to why you came back,”
I paused, glancing at him. From the corner of my eyes, I could see him frowning. Again I took another deep breath before start again.
“there’s scar on my stomach now. One day, you’ll make it as a reason to leave me. That day when you’re bored of me and you’ll leave me using that scar as the reason. You might think that I’m just a disgusting creature who just gives birth to a baby when other man couldn’t do one. and you might leave me for that reason too! I can’t stop thinking about all this! I can’t find the word eternity for this relationship and it’s driving me mad! it makes me feel insecure and I can’t stand it!”
Silent.
The confusing part in this whole explanation was it was hurt, but it didn’t manage to make me to shed tears. I wasn’t crying but only god knows how much hurt it is inside me.
And then I heard the sound of the chair being pushed before I saw him standing up from his seat, still carrying the baby in his arms, making their way to the door. He didn’t even bother to look at me, and his step was confidence.
He is leaving me was my first thought
“so I am right isn’t it?” he stopped. “you’re going to leave me. you’re going to leave me because you’ve had enough of me,”
I heard him chuckled a sarcasm.
“you only noticed it now?” slowly, he turned to look at me again, obviously annoyed. “of course Nino, I’ve had enough of you. I have the baby from you now so what’s the purpose of staying anymore? Of course now that you has that ugly scar on you do you think it is worth to keep what we have between us now? And yes, who is it going to keep a relation with a man who gave birth? You’re weird!”
I don’t understand, I’ve been preparing for this moment for such a long time. But why am I still crying? His words were a repetitive from mine but it stabbing me again and again, gave me all the pain that I never imagine of. i looked away to another side, refuse to let him see it as I shed my tears.
“Why are you crying, Kazu?” he asked. “Aren’t those words are the one you’ve been waiting for?”
I turned to look at him again only to see he was making his way back to me. I frown.
“For me, keeping this relation with you is worth because I love you, Kazu. How could you even think that silly scar will change my heart for you?”
“Oh-chan-“
“I am frustrated you know,” he stopped when he reached at the end of the bed. “I am frustrated because all of this time when I keep convincing you on how much you’re mean to me but in the end, it’s just meaningless,”
He walked approaching me once again before he stopped next to me.
“Your reasoning was so bad, Nino. one time, you’re acting like the baby is your everything. You fight for him. you want me to be responsible for him if anything happen to you, but in the end, you’re using him as a reason to get away from me,”
“I never want to get away from you!” I yelled at him.
“But you’re doing one!” he snapped back at me. “Accusing me that I will stop loving you when everyday it was you I worry about. Telling me that I will get enough of you when I never manage to completely understand you. And imagining that we’re going to take our own way when you just gave birth to my son! I’m not that irresponsible jerk that you’ve been imagining of!”
I couldn’t stop my tears. My doubt has overcome my trust on him. I was too insecure that I couldn’t stop thinking that he will leave me.
“Hold the baby, Kazu,”
“No. please,” I against his request, taking my sight away from them. “I’m not ready,”
“If you didn’t force yourself, when will you? The baby need his other parent so stop acting spoiled. Be responsible!”
Once again, I tried to hide inside the blanket. But Oh-chan wasn’t a man who just knew me yesterday. Despite how laid back his personality is, he knew well how to deal with me. As he saw me not giving any response to his request, he just put the baby next to me, letting the baby without no one holding him. he was at the side of the bed. I couldn’t move even a bit, realizing a simple move from any of us will make the baby to fall to the hard floor.
“Now, listen Kazu. I know thing happened for a reason. I know exactly the reason why you’re being this insecure about staying in relationship. Your childhood memories scared you make you to believe that every love will end with hurt. But please, for this one time could you please let me prove to you whatever things that you’ve been telling yourself weren’t the truth?”
I stay quiet under the blanket. And then I hear him sighs.
“takes as many time as you want, Kazu. But if you ever hope that I will ever leave you alone, you’re wrong. I’ve left you once and it hurt both of us. I’m sure enough that I don’t want to repeat that again, so please, open back your heart for me, and accept this little boy, our son into our life,”
He was stubborn. Slowly he pulled the blanket that was covering my face only to see my face covered with tears. He didn’t wait for any reaction from me when he leaned in, as if ignoring the baby between us, muttering his words to my ears.
“you will always be the precious one for me, kazu. Stop doubting it,” was what he said before he kissed me on my lips.
It was like magic, when my hand instinctively make it way towards the baby, taking him into my embrace.
________________________________________________________________
felt sorry for this chapter. i went unfocussed due to things happen and works. ORZ.
one more chapter and that gonna be fluff.
see ya
eight : A Beautiful Baby Boy || current || Final : I Warned You, Don't Doubt It