Comforted and Confused
Well, the day started off kinda bummy. The last several have been, in fact. In general, I've been kinda down.
But then I skimmed my friends list and... I know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who is confused, who has questions about her future, who doesn't have it all figured out as she'd like. And that it's just going to take time.
I was faced with an ultimatum yesterday: The Man or Graz. My reaction was all over the place. And still is.
When I get right down to it, I know that I STILL don't know what I really want. There are so many pros, but many cons, to going back to Europe. But in the end, it's only 2 years. Right? Two small, fast, enriching little years.
But beyond that is not knowing what comes AFTER those two years. What THOSE two years would lead me to. Hell, I didn't even know what the past year alone would lead me to, but now here I am thinking I'm going BACK to Austria.
And on the other hand, you never know what people you will meet - or how the people you know now will affect you, or how long you will stay in contact, or for that matter if you will ever see certain people again.
When you get down to it, everyone is different in different situations - we are different in person than we are on the phone than we are online. So I have to decide what it is I most want out of a person.
I've come to think long-distance is just not something I can do. Not unless a person can be as substantial over the phone and online and he is with me in person. I need substance; I can't just exchange empty "I miss you's" and survive on that alone.
Maybe I am happier alone, than engulfed in struggle that hinders me from enjoying my day-to-day life. Because life is NOW - and if I can't enjoy the NOW because I'm mourning the has-been or wish-could-be's too much, or just stressing out over the want-but-can't-have's... maybe it's just not worth it.
If I can't have someone that DOES want me in their future, whatever it takes, then I need to just move on, and live for me. I can't make a decision based on something that might fall apart anyways.
Maybe the fact that it is so easy for me to find supporting reasons to let this go is a sign that it was not meant to endure in the first place. Some people walk into your life to stay forever. Others come along to serve a purpose and after that, they are gone. People come, and people go... maybe it's time to go.
But in the meantime, I am still left pondering the huge impact going to Graz would have on my life - in a relationship or single. If I stay, I stay here to build contacts and work my way into the Civic (and hopefully, eventually, a bigger) orchestra. But if I go... I go knowing full well that this teacher will push me, and push me hard, and get me to enter competitions. And that is serious business. I have to figure out if I can handle it; if I am prepared to put in true blood sweat and tears. And if I can handle really being in that culture ALONE - no IES, no Americans to share the homesickness and to fall back on, to coach each other in German and be your English self with.
I do know that either way I go, I can't do it alone. I need people, support, inspiration. Atar had said that years ago to me - that it is so different being in a music environment than not. And I think that's why I feel like I'm suffocating.
But then I skimmed my friends list and... I know that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who is confused, who has questions about her future, who doesn't have it all figured out as she'd like. And that it's just going to take time.
I was faced with an ultimatum yesterday: The Man or Graz. My reaction was all over the place. And still is.
When I get right down to it, I know that I STILL don't know what I really want. There are so many pros, but many cons, to going back to Europe. But in the end, it's only 2 years. Right? Two small, fast, enriching little years.
But beyond that is not knowing what comes AFTER those two years. What THOSE two years would lead me to. Hell, I didn't even know what the past year alone would lead me to, but now here I am thinking I'm going BACK to Austria.
And on the other hand, you never know what people you will meet - or how the people you know now will affect you, or how long you will stay in contact, or for that matter if you will ever see certain people again.
When you get down to it, everyone is different in different situations - we are different in person than we are on the phone than we are online. So I have to decide what it is I most want out of a person.
I've come to think long-distance is just not something I can do. Not unless a person can be as substantial over the phone and online and he is with me in person. I need substance; I can't just exchange empty "I miss you's" and survive on that alone.
Maybe I am happier alone, than engulfed in struggle that hinders me from enjoying my day-to-day life. Because life is NOW - and if I can't enjoy the NOW because I'm mourning the has-been or wish-could-be's too much, or just stressing out over the want-but-can't-have's... maybe it's just not worth it.
If I can't have someone that DOES want me in their future, whatever it takes, then I need to just move on, and live for me. I can't make a decision based on something that might fall apart anyways.
Maybe the fact that it is so easy for me to find supporting reasons to let this go is a sign that it was not meant to endure in the first place. Some people walk into your life to stay forever. Others come along to serve a purpose and after that, they are gone. People come, and people go... maybe it's time to go.
But in the meantime, I am still left pondering the huge impact going to Graz would have on my life - in a relationship or single. If I stay, I stay here to build contacts and work my way into the Civic (and hopefully, eventually, a bigger) orchestra. But if I go... I go knowing full well that this teacher will push me, and push me hard, and get me to enter competitions. And that is serious business. I have to figure out if I can handle it; if I am prepared to put in true blood sweat and tears. And if I can handle really being in that culture ALONE - no IES, no Americans to share the homesickness and to fall back on, to coach each other in German and be your English self with.
I do know that either way I go, I can't do it alone. I need people, support, inspiration. Atar had said that years ago to me - that it is so different being in a music environment than not. And I think that's why I feel like I'm suffocating.