Chapter Seven: You give me (baby) fever
Just hanging out with my niece and nephew and how cuddly they have been recently and seeing Brittney's baby belly has just put me in BABY mode hardcore. I want a baby. Still refraining from telling too many people. I hate when people have this great rewarding things going on in their lives, IE baby, new job, house, marriage etc. etc. and a different person comes along and says I want it so bad. I want it so bad. I want a baby. I'm so jealous. I HATE that. I am not saying I am guilt free of this. It happens to everybody. I was HELLA jealous when Rachel got engaged. I cried. I was selfish. But I got over it really quick. I just needed a moment to realize that is not my life. It wasn't my time yet. And I felt ashamed of how jealous I was. I should have been shouting at the roof tops (which I was to an extent) that my best friend was getting married. The thought of jealousy should have never crossed my mind in that situation. I was ashamed of myself. And have learned and grown since then. I still get jealous of things, human nature, but big life events in my friends lives I can honestly say I am not jealous in the slightest And when my time came it was perfect. And it was the perfect surprise. I didn't snoop until I found the ring, I didn't make sure I was dressed to impress for perfect photo op. There was no pretending in my reaction. It was perfect and it was genuine. I cried. I had so much joy and love that I just sobbed. Ah, happy memories, getting of track here.
I hate when people see ANYONE with a life event that they can't truly be happy for them because they don't have what they have. A big this is babies right now. So many people are extending their family with little ones. I want one so bad but when I see littles or bumps right now, I never would say out loud I want one, I need one. I wish this was mine. etc. I think it bothers me so bad because those people don't even say congratulations or you must be so happy or ask how the other poeple are doing/feeling. They are so self absorbed that they don't care, they stink of jealousy and are so envious that they can't celebrate their family/friends mile stone. DRIVES ME INSANE.
So I am keeping our pregnancy trials to a minimum amount knowing. I have said it before and will say it again and again. I will not have a competition with our pregnancy. Our pregnancy and trying to get pregnant is about us and us alone. Do I want to be pregnant the same time as my friend? Sure. There are a lot of great things that could come from that. Our kids would be the same age and the best of friends (hopefully), we could lean on each other during pregnancy for advice, counseling and support. The downside? What if I get pregnant and she doesn't? What if she resents me for it? I know Rachel loves me with all her heart and vise versa. She is and always will be my person. I would hate for her to be mad at me for having a baby if she didnt get pregnant. Now if the tables are turned, would I resent her in anyway? No way. She has wanted this for so long I am shocked that she didn't try for a baby before the wedding. I think each month she doesn't get pregnant is breaking her heart a little at a time. It shouldn't. She will get pregnant when its her time. Just like me. But Rachel has always thought her life was going to be on this fast track of marriage and family. Plans change. She knows this and is living life to the fullest right now.
Jeremy and I are too. We both are happy with our jobs. Jeremy is going back to school to be able to succeed even more at Quicken Loans. Neither one of us plan on ever leaving our place of work ever. And that just seems to satisfying. We are working on buying a house. Yes we have some things we need to work on before getting a house, but they are manageable now. We are so happy with our marriage. I hate not being home with him. It's hard for me to even go to Rachels because I just want to stay home, relax with him and go to bed. New thing we have been doing lately is getting into bed together and reading for an hour or so before we go to bed. And I love it. We have always gone to bed together. Which I love too. Our communication has never been this strong. Something bothering either of us we just calmly tell each other. Have we fought since getting married? Yes. We have had a doozy of a blow out. I think its healthy to fight every once in a while. I would rather us fight and yell and apologize than have everything stay bottled in. That is so unhealthy. Never telling your spouse you are upset about something and just assuming they know you are upset by their actions. IF nothing is ever said than they don't know there is a problem that needs to be addressed and fixed. I worry for those couples. It's not healthy. Do things upset me? Sure, our apartment is a mess, we have a mountain of dirty laundry, but does any of that really matter? No. No it doesn't. We're just so content with life now that it just makes sense to try for a baby. We aren't having a baby to fix things/relationship. We both mutually want to have a baby. Neither one of us feel scared of apprehensive about this decision and I love that. I love that Jeremy can be so sure about things. I love that my husband is decisive and makes decisions without me having to break down and make all the decisions for him. Is he indecisive sometimes about dinner and where we should go? Yes but life decisions and job decisions and financial decisions. He is amazing and so self assured. I love that I married a man. He will be an amazing father. He will be an amazing coparent. I won't have to rely on just myself. And that is why I am so sure about this baby.
Bigger picture post. I was planning on just writing about how bad my baby fever was and how i had to get it out since the only person I told all weekend that I want a baby is Jeremy. We had a big long talk again about trying. I need to cut back on smoking again. I barely drink anymore. I am taking this baby making extremely seriuos. I hope I have quit smoking by the end of January. And if I am pregnant than clearly before that. I hate mothers who smoke occasionally during pregnancy. How trashy and just proof you dont care about the baby you are growing inside of you.
I also have started eating better and am going to start exercising. Not gym exercising but walking more. When I get home I will do a couple loops in my courtyard and go inside. It's more active thanI have been so it's better than nothing.
Everything is one step at a time. BABY STEPS... only this Bill Murray is going to have a baby.
I hate when people see ANYONE with a life event that they can't truly be happy for them because they don't have what they have. A big this is babies right now. So many people are extending their family with little ones. I want one so bad but when I see littles or bumps right now, I never would say out loud I want one, I need one. I wish this was mine. etc. I think it bothers me so bad because those people don't even say congratulations or you must be so happy or ask how the other poeple are doing/feeling. They are so self absorbed that they don't care, they stink of jealousy and are so envious that they can't celebrate their family/friends mile stone. DRIVES ME INSANE.
So I am keeping our pregnancy trials to a minimum amount knowing. I have said it before and will say it again and again. I will not have a competition with our pregnancy. Our pregnancy and trying to get pregnant is about us and us alone. Do I want to be pregnant the same time as my friend? Sure. There are a lot of great things that could come from that. Our kids would be the same age and the best of friends (hopefully), we could lean on each other during pregnancy for advice, counseling and support. The downside? What if I get pregnant and she doesn't? What if she resents me for it? I know Rachel loves me with all her heart and vise versa. She is and always will be my person. I would hate for her to be mad at me for having a baby if she didnt get pregnant. Now if the tables are turned, would I resent her in anyway? No way. She has wanted this for so long I am shocked that she didn't try for a baby before the wedding. I think each month she doesn't get pregnant is breaking her heart a little at a time. It shouldn't. She will get pregnant when its her time. Just like me. But Rachel has always thought her life was going to be on this fast track of marriage and family. Plans change. She knows this and is living life to the fullest right now.
Jeremy and I are too. We both are happy with our jobs. Jeremy is going back to school to be able to succeed even more at Quicken Loans. Neither one of us plan on ever leaving our place of work ever. And that just seems to satisfying. We are working on buying a house. Yes we have some things we need to work on before getting a house, but they are manageable now. We are so happy with our marriage. I hate not being home with him. It's hard for me to even go to Rachels because I just want to stay home, relax with him and go to bed. New thing we have been doing lately is getting into bed together and reading for an hour or so before we go to bed. And I love it. We have always gone to bed together. Which I love too. Our communication has never been this strong. Something bothering either of us we just calmly tell each other. Have we fought since getting married? Yes. We have had a doozy of a blow out. I think its healthy to fight every once in a while. I would rather us fight and yell and apologize than have everything stay bottled in. That is so unhealthy. Never telling your spouse you are upset about something and just assuming they know you are upset by their actions. IF nothing is ever said than they don't know there is a problem that needs to be addressed and fixed. I worry for those couples. It's not healthy. Do things upset me? Sure, our apartment is a mess, we have a mountain of dirty laundry, but does any of that really matter? No. No it doesn't. We're just so content with life now that it just makes sense to try for a baby. We aren't having a baby to fix things/relationship. We both mutually want to have a baby. Neither one of us feel scared of apprehensive about this decision and I love that. I love that Jeremy can be so sure about things. I love that my husband is decisive and makes decisions without me having to break down and make all the decisions for him. Is he indecisive sometimes about dinner and where we should go? Yes but life decisions and job decisions and financial decisions. He is amazing and so self assured. I love that I married a man. He will be an amazing father. He will be an amazing coparent. I won't have to rely on just myself. And that is why I am so sure about this baby.
Bigger picture post. I was planning on just writing about how bad my baby fever was and how i had to get it out since the only person I told all weekend that I want a baby is Jeremy. We had a big long talk again about trying. I need to cut back on smoking again. I barely drink anymore. I am taking this baby making extremely seriuos. I hope I have quit smoking by the end of January. And if I am pregnant than clearly before that. I hate mothers who smoke occasionally during pregnancy. How trashy and just proof you dont care about the baby you are growing inside of you.
I also have started eating better and am going to start exercising. Not gym exercising but walking more. When I get home I will do a couple loops in my courtyard and go inside. It's more active thanI have been so it's better than nothing.
Everything is one step at a time. BABY STEPS... only this Bill Murray is going to have a baby.