lesson learned, again...
there is nothing more frustrating than someone who won't listen to you. whether it is because they refuse to believe you, or can not grasp what it is that you are saying. you try and try to get them to understand things till you are blue in the face, and no matter how many times you explain it, in no matter how many ways, they will never believe you. i read something yesterday that i have heard many times before. this version was worded, "do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack." you probably heard this phrase before as "cast not pearls before swine."
I've done it so many times and learned it the hard way. If you try and tell someone about something that will help them and they don't want to hear it, then they will attack you and you will have gained nothing. why is this? why is that you want to help someone, especially someone you love, that they turn on you. all you want to do is help. i feel like there is no point in talking anymore. no point in trying because I am the only one who is listening in the relationship.
if someone loves you they should value what you have to say, they should care about your advice. they should know that you tell them things not to control them, but because you love them. at this point i feel like everything i've learned over the past 8 years has been completely pointless. no one will listen to what i have to say anyway. perhapse i have to find someone, and other people who aren't so young to be around. people who know what I talk about to be true. other people who have lived life a bit already and who have have also learned the hard way. people who understand. right now i feel like i'm standing here all alone.
someone once told me that a releationship with a big age difference could still work. but this is the shit that happens. you live it alone because they are always off doing their own thing, rather than listening and loving you. and i feel so alone.
i'm not being drug through the mud a second time. what was the point in suffering it the first time if I learned nothing from it? i'm not being treated that way again. i want to be happy for once. i thought i was but it only lasted for a while. it only lasted while there was trust. her trust in me gone, because she refuses to believe what i say to be true. not because i've lied to her. just because she doesn't find value in what i say anymore. my trust being gone because she won't listen to the words i speak born out of hard, painful experience and wants to follow a path that i don't want to go down again. a path i'm terrified to go down again because i know the damage it will cause, and because my heart can't handle suffering that again. i feel more like a parent than a boyfriend. i feel like how a parent must feel when their kids don't listen to their advice and they have to watch them get hurt. i feel like how God must feel every time I don't listen and I make another unwise choice that causes me to endure pain and suffering in life. maybe this lesson will help me listen a little more to those who are trying to help me. maybe this lesson will help me just a little bit more to avoid putting my head in the sand while the train runs me over.
i dont' want to hurt anymore, i don't want to hurt again. i refuse to stand in front of trains. i refuse to be ignorant, stubborn, and close minded to the things other tell me. from now on I'll be sure and ask those who are wiser than me why they feel the things they do when they talk to me.
why does life have to be so cruel. i hate having to learn the hard way. everyone was telling me, but i didn't want to listen. my punishment fits my crime. i deserve every bit of suffering that i'm enduring. all i wanted was to be happy again, but i was a fool.
Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday
I've done it so many times and learned it the hard way. If you try and tell someone about something that will help them and they don't want to hear it, then they will attack you and you will have gained nothing. why is this? why is that you want to help someone, especially someone you love, that they turn on you. all you want to do is help. i feel like there is no point in talking anymore. no point in trying because I am the only one who is listening in the relationship.
if someone loves you they should value what you have to say, they should care about your advice. they should know that you tell them things not to control them, but because you love them. at this point i feel like everything i've learned over the past 8 years has been completely pointless. no one will listen to what i have to say anyway. perhapse i have to find someone, and other people who aren't so young to be around. people who know what I talk about to be true. other people who have lived life a bit already and who have have also learned the hard way. people who understand. right now i feel like i'm standing here all alone.
someone once told me that a releationship with a big age difference could still work. but this is the shit that happens. you live it alone because they are always off doing their own thing, rather than listening and loving you. and i feel so alone.
i'm not being drug through the mud a second time. what was the point in suffering it the first time if I learned nothing from it? i'm not being treated that way again. i want to be happy for once. i thought i was but it only lasted for a while. it only lasted while there was trust. her trust in me gone, because she refuses to believe what i say to be true. not because i've lied to her. just because she doesn't find value in what i say anymore. my trust being gone because she won't listen to the words i speak born out of hard, painful experience and wants to follow a path that i don't want to go down again. a path i'm terrified to go down again because i know the damage it will cause, and because my heart can't handle suffering that again. i feel more like a parent than a boyfriend. i feel like how a parent must feel when their kids don't listen to their advice and they have to watch them get hurt. i feel like how God must feel every time I don't listen and I make another unwise choice that causes me to endure pain and suffering in life. maybe this lesson will help me listen a little more to those who are trying to help me. maybe this lesson will help me just a little bit more to avoid putting my head in the sand while the train runs me over.
i dont' want to hurt anymore, i don't want to hurt again. i refuse to stand in front of trains. i refuse to be ignorant, stubborn, and close minded to the things other tell me. from now on I'll be sure and ask those who are wiser than me why they feel the things they do when they talk to me.
why does life have to be so cruel. i hate having to learn the hard way. everyone was telling me, but i didn't want to listen. my punishment fits my crime. i deserve every bit of suffering that i'm enduring. all i wanted was to be happy again, but i was a fool.
Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday