The End of Event Anger
Ok, so my biggest disappointment about the LARP event at the weekend was my failure to get to the end of it without falling to anger.
The fall started long before the incident, so here's a rundown of the day from my point of view:
-Woken earlier than normal to get up by the missus. Resentful, directed my anger at her
-The reason I got up early never materialised. Generally a bit put out, did a bit of low-key moaning
-Whether justified or not (don't want to go into that at this stage) felt a bit down that I didn't manage to become heart of the Jhereg
-Decided not to take the field to monster. Ostensibly used poor health and needing to be at work and paying attention this week as an excuse to get out of something that seemed troublesome at the time. This warrants a bit of further contemplation, the subject of getting out of things, the what and the why. After my list. Concluding this one to say that not monstering made me feel a poor caliber of Jhereg and person in general
-While people were out monstering, didn't help anywhere near as much with random takedown things as I could have, as I was feeling decidedly mopey. Felt worse once people got back and said what an amazing job had been done with helping, mostly thanks to Charli, which I pointed out but still worried that people might wrongly assume I'd been useful, which made me feel worse
-People got back from monstering, a few things were said with regards to well done to the monsters, and I felt very awkward; I worried that people might think poorly of me each time it was mentioned, since I didn't go
-People scattered to do takedown, and I started to get confused and awkward; I have a very hard time figuring out which thing I should do first, and end up panicking about it such that I don't start anything. Now, I know I wasn't exactly useless, and did help, but throughout the experience I was fighting against not knowing what to do, or how to behave in that situation
-Kev pointed me toward putting away the roof piece for our marquee, as I in his words "knew what I was doing with it". I know, to an extent, what to do with a piece of canvas, but at that point couldn't remember exactly how it went, so got myself flustered still further. I asked questions, to which I received curt answers, and eventually after much correction, the missus was enlisted to set things straight. I was told to throw the ropes in first, fair enough. I got the thirds folded in, and began to roll the canvas, to be reminded that it gets folded first. I huff and relinquish. Once folded, I start to roll it again, and am told that it needs to be folded again. I advise that I disagree, and am told that's the way it's always been done. After arguing about it for a sec, I let them fold the other half in, and begin rolling. Am told I should start rolling from the other end. I ask if she would like to f*ing do it herself and carry on, holding in a burning desire to scream and start breaking things
-I move a few of our things to our pile, in silence, then agree with the missus that we'll head to out of character to drop things
-I go stand by our pile of kit and watch the missus chatting with the gang, feeling (despite the fact that I removed myself from people and didn't feel I could rejoin at this stage) that I've been abandoned. After waiting a few minutes I gather some things and head off to out of character on my own
-I bump into Kay who is carrying too much, so I offer to help. I carry a box for her up to OOC. I advise her that I want to drop my stuff in my OOC tent (about 20 feet away) before taking her box to her car, which for some reason I don't explain properly, and she seems concerned. To be it seemed a trivial thing, so I started to get upset, which I hopefully hid and took the box to the car before returning to the OOC area
-I walk in silence past Gemma, whom I consider at some length whether to greet, but we pass and I don't, and she doesn't greet me. I feel that this is a reflection of people not wanting to engage with me while I'm "like this" which makes me feel even worse
-The missus arrives, and greets me in a "so there you are, I wondered where you'd gone" sort of way, which leads to me feeling annoyed, given I left because I got bored of waiting
-We went to our tent, where I proceeded to dwell vocally on pretty much everything that's bad at the moment and bemoan everything, all the while trying to figure out how to get myself back into a state where I could help get us off site
It took about an hour or so to get myself back into a suitable state, and eventually we got off site some time later. On the way home I discussed some things with Tam, which gave me a few starting points for this sort of analysis.
Now, in terms of the monstering thing, and so many other things, fear holds me back, as well as a healthy dose of what feels nothing so much like laziness. Essentially, I feel that I can't be bothered, but I'm clever enough to recognise that it isn't that simple. I'm afraid of a lot of things, perhaps most notably any situation that might make me feel socially awkward. Deciding to go monstering is scary, because I will be required to be a certain way, and I fear failing at that. I fear embarrassment if I should make any mistakes. I'm afraid that an opportunity will come up to do something interesting, and I won't dare to step up to it. I'm afraid that I might manage to step up for it, and then disappoint people by making a hash of it. I'm worried that someone might cheat in my direction, and I might have an outburst related to that which gets me chastised by the refs, as if the fact that I might act in such a way wouldn't be punishment enough. I'm also afraid that I might not have fun, despite the fact that I always feel a distinct sense of accomplishment when I do take part in things. I seem incapable of remembering it when it comes to time to decide between action and inaction, and frequently choose the mislabelled "path of least resistance" leading to bad feelings down the line.
I need to take some time to read this over and see what conclusions I come to from it. Whenever I am in a bad mood, anything by way of an explanation for it feels like more excuses, but if I'm to find a better way of being I think I'm going to need to replace the word "excuse" with "reason" and let that reason be my guide.
All the best,
Gribs
The fall started long before the incident, so here's a rundown of the day from my point of view:
-Woken earlier than normal to get up by the missus. Resentful, directed my anger at her
-The reason I got up early never materialised. Generally a bit put out, did a bit of low-key moaning
-Whether justified or not (don't want to go into that at this stage) felt a bit down that I didn't manage to become heart of the Jhereg
-Decided not to take the field to monster. Ostensibly used poor health and needing to be at work and paying attention this week as an excuse to get out of something that seemed troublesome at the time. This warrants a bit of further contemplation, the subject of getting out of things, the what and the why. After my list. Concluding this one to say that not monstering made me feel a poor caliber of Jhereg and person in general
-While people were out monstering, didn't help anywhere near as much with random takedown things as I could have, as I was feeling decidedly mopey. Felt worse once people got back and said what an amazing job had been done with helping, mostly thanks to Charli, which I pointed out but still worried that people might wrongly assume I'd been useful, which made me feel worse
-People got back from monstering, a few things were said with regards to well done to the monsters, and I felt very awkward; I worried that people might think poorly of me each time it was mentioned, since I didn't go
-People scattered to do takedown, and I started to get confused and awkward; I have a very hard time figuring out which thing I should do first, and end up panicking about it such that I don't start anything. Now, I know I wasn't exactly useless, and did help, but throughout the experience I was fighting against not knowing what to do, or how to behave in that situation
-Kev pointed me toward putting away the roof piece for our marquee, as I in his words "knew what I was doing with it". I know, to an extent, what to do with a piece of canvas, but at that point couldn't remember exactly how it went, so got myself flustered still further. I asked questions, to which I received curt answers, and eventually after much correction, the missus was enlisted to set things straight. I was told to throw the ropes in first, fair enough. I got the thirds folded in, and began to roll the canvas, to be reminded that it gets folded first. I huff and relinquish. Once folded, I start to roll it again, and am told that it needs to be folded again. I advise that I disagree, and am told that's the way it's always been done. After arguing about it for a sec, I let them fold the other half in, and begin rolling. Am told I should start rolling from the other end. I ask if she would like to f*ing do it herself and carry on, holding in a burning desire to scream and start breaking things
-I move a few of our things to our pile, in silence, then agree with the missus that we'll head to out of character to drop things
-I go stand by our pile of kit and watch the missus chatting with the gang, feeling (despite the fact that I removed myself from people and didn't feel I could rejoin at this stage) that I've been abandoned. After waiting a few minutes I gather some things and head off to out of character on my own
-I bump into Kay who is carrying too much, so I offer to help. I carry a box for her up to OOC. I advise her that I want to drop my stuff in my OOC tent (about 20 feet away) before taking her box to her car, which for some reason I don't explain properly, and she seems concerned. To be it seemed a trivial thing, so I started to get upset, which I hopefully hid and took the box to the car before returning to the OOC area
-I walk in silence past Gemma, whom I consider at some length whether to greet, but we pass and I don't, and she doesn't greet me. I feel that this is a reflection of people not wanting to engage with me while I'm "like this" which makes me feel even worse
-The missus arrives, and greets me in a "so there you are, I wondered where you'd gone" sort of way, which leads to me feeling annoyed, given I left because I got bored of waiting
-We went to our tent, where I proceeded to dwell vocally on pretty much everything that's bad at the moment and bemoan everything, all the while trying to figure out how to get myself back into a state where I could help get us off site
It took about an hour or so to get myself back into a suitable state, and eventually we got off site some time later. On the way home I discussed some things with Tam, which gave me a few starting points for this sort of analysis.
Now, in terms of the monstering thing, and so many other things, fear holds me back, as well as a healthy dose of what feels nothing so much like laziness. Essentially, I feel that I can't be bothered, but I'm clever enough to recognise that it isn't that simple. I'm afraid of a lot of things, perhaps most notably any situation that might make me feel socially awkward. Deciding to go monstering is scary, because I will be required to be a certain way, and I fear failing at that. I fear embarrassment if I should make any mistakes. I'm afraid that an opportunity will come up to do something interesting, and I won't dare to step up to it. I'm afraid that I might manage to step up for it, and then disappoint people by making a hash of it. I'm worried that someone might cheat in my direction, and I might have an outburst related to that which gets me chastised by the refs, as if the fact that I might act in such a way wouldn't be punishment enough. I'm also afraid that I might not have fun, despite the fact that I always feel a distinct sense of accomplishment when I do take part in things. I seem incapable of remembering it when it comes to time to decide between action and inaction, and frequently choose the mislabelled "path of least resistance" leading to bad feelings down the line.
I need to take some time to read this over and see what conclusions I come to from it. Whenever I am in a bad mood, anything by way of an explanation for it feels like more excuses, but if I'm to find a better way of being I think I'm going to need to replace the word "excuse" with "reason" and let that reason be my guide.
All the best,
Gribs