some stuff
so...
this is how things are unfolding for me right now...
i should be doing math homework...but alas i am not. i feel so messed up...some of me loves it but you know what it really will bring you down when you know that there are things in this world that are good and aren't filled with double meaning, but you are so used to painting it all with the same brush, that you think everything is crappy and everyone is trying to manipulate you for the purpose of furthering their intentions. ugh.. i get so confused....especially about this issue of wurshp. yes i've already talked about it but too bad....
i'm not going to lie...yesterday i really really really didn't want to go to church AT ALL...i was sure that if i didn't come to CWL with the right heart and the perfect mindset, the whole thing would be one massive guilt-trip. i'm so selfish eh? ya, so i spent sunday morning writing {or attempting to write} songs about darkness and it's transecendent reality and the way it can invade us. i find it SOOOO frustrating that the best music, the best poetry, and the best writing in general comes from dark influences or such things as depression. with some exceptions of course:) but i am quite determined that i need to find a way to make "non-dark" poetry and such better than that of darkness....hmmm....
anwayz, i spent sunday morning writing darkness, and ended up going to CWL anyway. this is so bad...i wanted to see if i could get away with missing church on purpose. it makes be angry that i couldn't..yes that is not me talking it's the Enemy inside of me attempting to embitter me {is that even a word?} but i was so sick of wurshp as i wrote about in the previous entry because {ugh} it bothers the heck out of me the way everyone differs. k, you hear pastors/wurshp-leidersay one thing about performance and excellence and all that, then {correct me if i'm wrong} there's Jared saying that God cares about our hearts more than our voices, than almost every day at school there's my music teacher saying that worshipping and worship leading are two different things and although we practice the former and that's fine, we need to always be worship leading rather than worshipping on friday mornings in front of the school....and why? because our purpose, our goal, our chief end as "worship leaders" at Durham is to {i dispise this phrase} eliminate distractions. now where have i heard that one before. i feel like such a little kid...i am so easily influenced and pursuated...so on the road to becoming more messed up? but, CWL is so different that everything my music teacher says...the excellence is not there as much, but would anyone disagree with me when i say that the passion does more than compensate for it???
i officially met Aubrey yesterday. it was really cool...he's sincere in person as well as while lead-worshipping...it's really nice not having to second guess his character or authenticity all the time.
so...i'm quite convicted that i've found my church...yesterday i was just happy. i knew i was ment to be there and yea it was awkward cause i'm still new and i spiked my hair like super-extremely yesterday {not wise when you're trying to blend in to a certain degree,} but it's just exactly where i want to be. i'm pumped!! but also...sad? worried about school...who do i believe? i refuse to say truth is relative. but there MUST be a better way...
this is how things are unfolding for me right now...
i should be doing math homework...but alas i am not. i feel so messed up...some of me loves it but you know what it really will bring you down when you know that there are things in this world that are good and aren't filled with double meaning, but you are so used to painting it all with the same brush, that you think everything is crappy and everyone is trying to manipulate you for the purpose of furthering their intentions. ugh.. i get so confused....especially about this issue of wurshp. yes i've already talked about it but too bad....
i'm not going to lie...yesterday i really really really didn't want to go to church AT ALL...i was sure that if i didn't come to CWL with the right heart and the perfect mindset, the whole thing would be one massive guilt-trip. i'm so selfish eh? ya, so i spent sunday morning writing {or attempting to write} songs about darkness and it's transecendent reality and the way it can invade us. i find it SOOOO frustrating that the best music, the best poetry, and the best writing in general comes from dark influences or such things as depression. with some exceptions of course:) but i am quite determined that i need to find a way to make "non-dark" poetry and such better than that of darkness....hmmm....
anwayz, i spent sunday morning writing darkness, and ended up going to CWL anyway. this is so bad...i wanted to see if i could get away with missing church on purpose. it makes be angry that i couldn't..yes that is not me talking it's the Enemy inside of me attempting to embitter me {is that even a word?} but i was so sick of wurshp as i wrote about in the previous entry because {ugh} it bothers the heck out of me the way everyone differs. k, you hear pastors/wurshp-leidersay one thing about performance and excellence and all that, then {correct me if i'm wrong} there's Jared saying that God cares about our hearts more than our voices, than almost every day at school there's my music teacher saying that worshipping and worship leading are two different things and although we practice the former and that's fine, we need to always be worship leading rather than worshipping on friday mornings in front of the school....and why? because our purpose, our goal, our chief end as "worship leaders" at Durham is to {i dispise this phrase} eliminate distractions. now where have i heard that one before. i feel like such a little kid...i am so easily influenced and pursuated...so on the road to becoming more messed up? but, CWL is so different that everything my music teacher says...the excellence is not there as much, but would anyone disagree with me when i say that the passion does more than compensate for it???
i officially met Aubrey yesterday. it was really cool...he's sincere in person as well as while lead-worshipping...it's really nice not having to second guess his character or authenticity all the time.
so...i'm quite convicted that i've found my church...yesterday i was just happy. i knew i was ment to be there and yea it was awkward cause i'm still new and i spiked my hair like super-extremely yesterday {not wise when you're trying to blend in to a certain degree,} but it's just exactly where i want to be. i'm pumped!! but also...sad? worried about school...who do i believe? i refuse to say truth is relative. but there MUST be a better way...