she's right...i'm scarred
my dad is practicing his bass right now....to wurshp music. it's making me cringe...(not his playing of course...the music being played to.) i imagine God is displeased...i should really be giving this problem to Him...but i don't want to get over it. i'm being open,...i've made a point while praying not to beat around the bush concerning my attitudes and whatnot, and not to minimise my sin by trying to pretent it's less than it really is. i don't what to stop being a victim. i'm not proud of that fact, no not at all, but i'm really sick of the christian show, it is sickening to me. why do we sing, why do we say half the stuff we do? its just saying words in order to fill the space...maybe b/c we're afraid of silence? we...i don't know......but i recall many a morning devotions time when i'd be frustrated because i knew i was prioritising such things as picking clothes or gelling my hair over spending real time with God. so i'd feel guilty, and not know what to say to God...and i can hear myself in those time repeating those catchy little christianese phrases we've become so accustomed to. and it's bad. but i can think of fewer repentances of mine that have been purer and more beautiful than the times when i've told God EXACTLY what i was thinking! i love it!! it just feels AMAZING to know that you can just barf it all out to Him and the deeper you go, the closer He comes to you because He's the God of truth. that's why i hate these fancy little songs that only sort of mean what we're trying to say. if they're not completely true, then God's not in them. is that an unfair thing to say?? does that mean that all "worship music" is bad? i don't know. but i see half heartedness, and less than half-heartedness at these "chapels" we have every friday morning at school...so is God there?? I DON'T KNOW....but i am so so so so so so sick of hearing about PraeznWurshp this and PraeznWurshp that and everything is PraeznWurshp...i'm exercising creative spelling because the stuff that's labeled PraeznWurshp @ l'ecole isn't real, so neither should the spelling be. am i just indulging in bitterness? playing the victim... ya i think so...this is so sad. my scar is that i can't trust what i see concerning Wurshp...yes half of me is loving this and half knows i'm breaking God's heart.... i disgust me. i have to go and take care of my garbage so i shall now do so. hokey crap i can't believe i just barfed that whole thing out..i've made it a general practice of mine not to disclose things in such a matter. but i will not delete it. oh gosh..... sorry if i've made anyone angry :( i was angry and when i am angry i speak irrationally as you can see. a hcrap.
can we be real here?
can we be real here?