Oh, Smallville... bringing the hxc lulz
Smallville 7x08 "Blue"
Delivering the lulz-100% guaranteed!
Oh man, oh man. If I thought last week brought the lulz, this week blows it out of the water. We're talking epic lulz. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?
This is one of those eps that you just cannot even try to take seriously. It's highly entertaining, for sure, but I find it's best enjoyed with an alcoholic beverage in one hand and a copy of the Smallville Drinking Game™ in the other. Or at least a copy of MS Word open to take notes and relive the glory whilst writing a recap.
So let's get started, shall we?
It's nighttime at the House of Kent. Wind chimes ring ominously as dramatic shizz swells in the background. The camera pans to the window, and we see young Clark Kent sitting on a chair by the fireplace, brooding. In case we didn't get the picture yet, the camera cuts to a close-up of said brooding.
Suck on that, Angel!
Then we cut to the picture of his momma. In the midst of this fabulous broodathon,
Kara bursts in with a surfboard and cleavagey shirt. Ahh, Kara, we missed your scantily clad presence last week. She's in high spirits, having just returned from her and Jimmy's love nest. She notices Clark looking like someone just pissed in his cheerios, and asks what's up. Clark angsts about his parents for a bit and Kara, preferring to daydream about Jimmy whilst listening to M.I.A., reassures him and heads upstairs.
Clark suddenly starts hearing mysterious whispering. Concluding the voice is not one of the ones in his head, he gets up and follows it. He superspeeds to the barn, where he locates a glow-in-the-dark vibrator-oh wait, that's just the crystal. The whispers are the voice of his momma, imploring him to come to the Fortress of Solitude and save her.
Dammit, did Lana leave this thing on again?
Clark bamfs into fortress. Jor-El is pissed (honestly, is that guy ever not in a shitty mood? Jor-El blows off Clark's concerns and warns him not to allow human emotions to cloud his judgment. Naturally Clark ignores him and sticks the crystal in a big cluster of crystals... some kind of primitive dashboard? The lights go out for a bit, then blue sparks shoot from the crystal. I'm reminded of Harry's wand duel with Voldemort in Goblet of Fire.
Riddikulus!
A human figure slowly takes shape, and we find out it's Lara. There's a happy reunion, but GASP! Everything is not as it seems. The camera pans down to reveal Zor-El spying on them from behind a big ole crystal.
Credits. Then it's back to the Kent farm, shot very prettily in the early morning light. Clark has brought Lara back with him. Lara wonders how she was brought to the future. Before Clark can explain, Kara shows up in standard midriff-baring gear. She mentions the crystal and outs Clark. They suspect Zor-El's replicant appeared as well
Cut to aerial shot of the Daily Planet. Zach (I know his name is Grant, but he'll always be Zach to me) and Boobs are quibbling about Lois's story on the philandering mayor. They flirt for a while, and Boobs asks if he hired her for her boobs or brains. More cutesiness, and Zach reveals that it was her exposé on underground cage fighting that caught his eye. She probably just wanted to ogle Ryan Atwood's biceps.
I'm just amused that a cage fighting article says "Ryan" on it.
Chloe shows up in her usual opportune fashion and heads to Zach's office. She peeks through the frosted glass pane on the door to find Boobs and Zach about to have a nooner on his desk. Naturally, she opens the door hoping to join in the fun, but the happy couple doesn't notice her at all. Disappointed, she leaves.
Even she gets desk bangbang! How come I don't get desk bangbang?
Back to the Kent farm. Kara's in the loft being all broody, but in a very photogenic manner. Zor-el shows up in all his Matrix-knockoffy glory. He goes into this whole spiel, claiming he's changed, hoping to win Kara's loyalty. She is skeptical at first, but after he guilt-trips her enough she gives in. He tells her to go to the fortress and wait for him.
Cut to good ole Luthorcorp. Lionel is sitting at his desk brooding... WTF is this ep, one big Zoloft ad? Some asshole shows up... oh wait, it's Zor-El. He starts going off at Lionel, believing he is Jor-el's vessel or some crap. I'm kinda conned with fusion... did I miss something? Anyhoozy, Zor-el threatens Lionel: get Kal-El to trust him, or he'll show Martha his midget porn collection. Or he'll smash his head in, one of the two.
Clark superspeeds through the door in the nick of time (does he ever not?) and throws Zor-El out the window.
How many times do I have to tell you, Zor-El? I don't roll that way!
Commercial break so y'all can go pee or flip to Ugly Betty. When we return, we're still at Luthorcorp. The paramedics taking Lionel away, but before they wheel him out, he tells Clark that Zor-El is looking for Lara. Clark quickly scans through his repository of facial expressions and puts on Concerned™.
I'm either really concerned, or really constipated. Take your pick.
Cut to Zach's House of Luuuuuuuuuuuuv, a.k.a. the Daily Planet. Boobs walks in while Chloe is pretending to work while surreptitiously surfing ohnotheydidnt and leaving bitchy comments on posts for some actress named Kristin Kreuk. Chloe confronts Boobs about Zach and proceeds to lecture her about interoffice dating. The gist of it is that Boobs has to break it off with Summer's sloppy seconds, because Chloe sees all, knows all.
Chloe: No desk bangbang for you!
Boobs: I'm getting a job at Seattle Grace.
Cut to... some building in Metropolis. Clark brings Lara inside and tells her to stay there till he finds Zor-El. He and Lara have a heart-to-heart... she wants to confront Zor-El, but Clark won't allow it. Lana shows up, saying Kara told her where they were. Clark introduces her to Lara and tells Lana to stay with her. Before he goes, Lara gives Clark his dad's blue Kryptonite ring. Once Clark puts it on, it starts glowing, and his eyes turn a freaky shade of ontd-photoshop-job blue. Something's amiss!
Clark leaves the building and is in the alley when Zor-El shows up. Apparently Kara told him where they were, too. What a skank. They argue about Jor-El, which descends into a fight, but instead of an epic battle of Kryptonian badassery, Clark ends up being thrown into a car. Apparently, blue K makes him lose his powers, a fact of which Lara remains conveniently ignorant. Dude, how many colors of kryptonite are there? I'm still waiting for the pink variety that makes one dress like a drag queen and belt out Diana Ross ditties at the nearest karaoke bar. Anyway, it turns out Zor-El engineered this whole thing as a ploy to get Clark to activate the crystal, seeing as Kara could not. Or course Clark can't get the ring off. Zor-El books.
Listen, you little puke, if you call me a dime-store Keanu knockoff one more time...
Cut to Lara and Lana, having tea and conversating. Zor-El crashes the tea party and grabs Lara. Clark shows up in just as Zor-El throws Lana into the elevator door. Before Clark can get out of the elevator, Zor-El has superspeeded off with Lara.
Back to the Daily Planet. Clark shows up to see Chloe. We find out Lana's going to be OK, although you wonder how many times these kids can be thrown into walls and knocked on the head before it does permanent damage. Clark and Chloe talk about Lara. Chloe says you can't bring people back from the dead. Let me tell you, for a journalist, this chick really has no sense of the term irony. I mean, if there's any show that repeatedly thwarts death in the least sense-making way possible, it's this one. I mean, we're talking daytime soap levels here. The only thing is, at least daytime soaps don't take themselves seriously. But the earnesty with which this show presents its increasingly absurd plot twists just adds that fabulous twist of loltatsic irony. Anyhoozy, Clark bums a ride with Chloe to the barn, trying to figure out a way to bamf his powerless self to the fortress.
Cut to Zach and Lex at Chez Luthor. They're drinking and playing billiards like manly men do. Oh, and discussing women. Yup yup, what manly men these two are. Lex tries to convince us he's straight with a rather gauche crack about Boobs' bra size. He doesn't approve of Zach's relationship with Boobs, fearing Boobs will figure out their Big Secret. I eye the pool table suspiciously, wondering what else has been going on there. Zach, of course, blows him off, insisting he can handle Boobs and her rack.
Drink up, bitches.
Back to the fortress of solitude. Kara's twiddling her thumbs when Zor-El and Lara show up. Lara tells Kara to leave, but Zor-El will have none of it. He talks of repopulating the Earth with Lara. Um, ew. Lara, of course, refuses. Zor-El threatens to hurt Kal-El, which subdues her for the moment. Zor-El struts around like a wannabe supervillain for a bit before he decides to get dramatic. He sticks some crystals in the cluster thingy, hatching some brilliant plan to kill all the humans. Only Kal-El can remove it.
So wait... you went through all just to get some? Talk about desperate.
Meanwhile, it's late afternoon at the Kent farm. Clark is in the barn, trying to sand the ring off. Chloe runs in and tells Clark to quit playing with his power tool. She has the book containing the key. All of a sudden there's this dull roaring sound-no, it's not Zor-El having wicked indigestion. Clark runs outside to look while Chloe fires up the weather report on her phone. I mean, why do the obvious when you can impress everyone with your ability to press a button? She ends up running outside after Clark, to witness a highly unscheduled eclipse of the sun.
Over at the Daily Planet, it's mayhem. Bad acting abounds as the reporters blatantly stand around doing nothing, as opposed to looking busy whilst actually doing nothing. Zach yells at them to get back to pretending to work, then calls Boobs into his office.
They break up, but it doesn't stick.
Back at the fortress, Kara apologizes to Lara for betraying them. But Lara's got a plan. She busts out some funktified Kryptonian dagger, which looks sort of like an ass-backwards light saber. Lara insists on fighting Zor-El, but Kara snatches the dagger away. Zor-El shows up, and while he's busy waxing poetic about world domination, Kara makes her move. In a move of startling unpredictability, she fails. Lara tries to help her, but Zor-El throws her off and starts choking Kara. Clark, master of timely arrivals, bamfs in with green K. He holds Zor-El at bay with it. Meanwhile, Kara tells him he's the only one who can take out the crystal.
Aunt Lara, are you a Jedi?
Lara tells Clark to shatter the crystal. Clark hesitates, faced with the never-predictable superhero dilemma-the world or someone he loves. Meanwhile, Zor-El throws off the green K and goes after Kara again. In dramatic slo-mo-the only way Clark ever uses his powers--he shatters the crystal. An explosion of cgi later, Clark finds himself alone. Oh, shit.
Meanwhile, Kara wakes up in the rain, lying in the middle of a street somewhere. I'm having flashbacks to the S2 finale of Alias. Kara eventually ends up at a coffee house, where she finds out from the waitress that she's in Detroit. Umm, random? It also turns out that Kara has no memory of who she is. Damn, at least Sydney remembered her own name.
Man, couldn't Zor-El have at least put me somewhere warm and tropical?
Back at the Kent Farm, Clark is in the barn, angrily moving bales of hay. Lana shows up, completely recovered from getting a whack on the head for the millionth time. Bitch is resilient, I'll give her that. Clark is angsting over the whole fortress debacle, thinking Kara ran off for good. Lana consoles Clark, assuring him that human emotions are a good thing, unless you're Commander Data, but I think only he can pull it off. They talk about making mistakes, and Lana worries if she can be redeemed. Clark reassures her, and they hug. Awwww.
Cut to the Daily Planet. Boobs is working on a big story about the eclipse, but her abysmal typing skills make it slow going. Man, she'd fail at fastest finger on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Zach and Boobs argue about her story. After Zach leaves, Chloe asks Boobs if she broke up with him. Boobs assures her that she has. Her phone rings, and we find a text message from Zach, who can't wait to see Boobs in his Little Miss Vixen costume.
Back to Mr. Clean at the Luthor mansion. Zach shows up and tells him that he and Boobs are dunzo. But Zach ain't happy-he throws a bunch of bugs onto Lex's desk. Looks like Big Brother's been spying on him! Oh, shit... HE REALLY IS BIG BROTHER! Oh man, I crack myself up. In what has to be this show's most utterly cracked-out, WTF-inducing, and generally most loltastically absurd plot twist ever, it turns out Julien of SID syndrome didn't really die. After Lex's mom went batshit insane, Julien was put up for adoption. Lionel doesn't know that Zach is really his son. Oh man oh man. THIS SHIT IS GOLD OMGGGGGGG.
Leeeeeeeeeeeeex...I am your brother!
Cut to Clark at the fortress talking to Jor-El. Jor-El blames Zor-El for Kara's disappearance and bitches Clark out for defying him. Because that never happens, perish the thought. Fade out on Clark standing in the fortress looking bereft, another thing that never happens.
Bottom line: You can't miss this one, seriously. Sit back, grab your 40, and get ready for a rousing round of the Smallville Drinking Game-but make sure you've got some food in your stomach, cos you're gonna get plastered.