Smallville review: 7x05 "Action"
Angel 1x17 "Eternity" Smallville 7x05 "Action"
Don't believe this title
Ahh, Smallville, if there's one thing that we can count on, it's subtlety. You would never smack us on the head repeatedly with Superman references until little red capes dance before our eyes, never. Nope, only the most observant viewer, ya know, the one not flipping back and forth between Ugly Betty or furiously jotting down notes for their latest legendary review would catch those. How clever art thou!
This episode is just another example of that fantastic subtlety, b/c we haven't heard nearly enough over six seasons about Clark accepting his destiny. Although I must give credit where it's due-we're definitely not hurting for splashy special effects and pretty stunt casting. Check on both counts. This episode did a slightly better job of distracting us from the script than last week's offering, and Christina Milian is definitely nicer to look at than puffy Dean Cain. Not to mention less depressing. Unfortunately, it's not as easy to come up with lame Emeril jokes, but I'll see what I can do. I can, however, make lame jokes about the incredible sense of déja vu the first half of this ep brought, b/c I could've sworn I'd seen this before-specifically, the Angel episode "Eternity." Certain snatches of dialogue were virtually identical. Is Cassie Claire employed as one of their writers now or what? I will give Smallville credit for one thing, though-script, shmipt. Let's see Angel's paltry late-90s SFX beat this. Betcha Angel can't catch chicks as they fall out of cars or mack on Cordy in mid-air, can he? Can he???
But I get ahead of myself, as usual. Let's get on with this beezy, shall we?
We open with a shot of a flying superhero... damn, Tom really let himself go. When did he decide to shave off all his hair? I mean, isn't that Lex's... oh, never mind. Turns out we're on a movie set. Oh Smallville, you slay me with your wit.
Damn, Tom, that 'do really isn't working for you.
Pan over to Clark and Chloe watching. Chloe's sporting Princess Leia buns a la S1 of Veronica Mars. Chloe, stop trying; we're not buying it. She and Clark talk comic books. Tee hee, comic book talk within a show about comic books, how cute! Brace yourself, b/c there's a lot of this coming up.
Chloe angsts about Jimmy for a bit, having channeled her turbulent emotions into cxreating a fake background for Kara. I would've just said fired Laker Girl, but that'd be too easy, I suppose. Christina Milian sashays in sporting a J.Lo-esque outfit consisting of a glitzy dress and huge shades. Unless this was a glamorous Hollywood premiere scene (in which case a farm in Kansas is the perfect backdrop) what reason she'd have for being dressed like this, I don't know. Slightly OT, but what has Christina been doing lately, anyway? I remember she had a hit song around 2003ish, but I'd pretty much forgotten about her existence since then... ah, I guess Smallville beats Dancing With the Stars.
Anyway, Christina, a.k.a. Rachel... Rachel's last name films a scene, which culminates in her driving off with suitably dramatic flair. But shockingly, something goes terribly wrong. Oh noes, someone cut her brakes! Something tells me some serious SFX, including shit blowing up (you always gotta have blowing shit up) are in the near future... ho'shit, Clark saves her! I'd have never called that one! All that wimp Angel did was push Rebecca out of the way of an oncoming car and survive getting hit. What a wuss. But the true crowning touch on the glory of this scene was Rebecca-erm, Rachel's quote: "So you just totally saved my life"
Eat that, Angel!
Credits roll. Open with a lovely shot of... um, a field and fence backlit by the rising sun. I guess we're at the Kent farm! Clark is pounding stakes in the ground whilst wearing a tight blue shirt. Lana walks out and is like, "There are other ways to burn calories." Clark and Lana proceed to eyesex each other, until the moment is broken by the arrival of a limo. Turns out Rachel sent it to fetch Clark. Lana, of course, is not the least bit bothered that a big-name actress is scamming on her hunky bf.
My, Clark, what a big stake you have!
We arrive at the Talon, where another scene in the Warrior Angel movie is being filmed. I'm still boggling a bit at why a superhero movie is being filmed in Kansas... hasn't every one in recent years been filmed in New York or L.A. or Vancouver or something? *cough* *ahem* Anyway, Clark walks in looking typically bewildered. Rachel tells him they're filming a scene in which Warrior Angel stands Rachel up for their big date. Clark naturally responds, "He might have a good excuse..." B/c you don't know what that's like, not at all, Clark! Oh, the subtlety. Rachel seems shocked that Clark isn't acting like a fanboy, he bumblingly says he doesn't watch much TV, she totally unpredictably mentions how it's so refreshing, and they continue to rip off the script for "Eternity." I wish I was watching that instead.
Chloe shows up looking uncharacteristically neutral in a black dress. Oh hell, something's gotta be up. And for the record, they sure let a lot of people in these movie sets, no questions asked or anything. I mean, once Lost was filming a scene in the building where my brother works, and it wasn't like the actors weren't like, surrounded by huge bodyguards on loan from the Hawaiian mafia or something. Nope, any old joker could walk right in. Anyway, Chloe informs them that the police found out that someone cut Rachel's brakes YOU DON'T SAY! *shocked face*
This isn't the script of that Angel ep, not at all!
Cut to the Daily Planet offices, where Boobs Lane is hard at work in a cleavagey yellow blouse. Zach comes in (I can't be arsed to remember his name; he'll always be Zach of the Ock to me, but without the pretty hair L). He tells Boobs to go to the movie set and sniff out a scandal, but Boobs would rather take on a story about Luthorcorp's latest scandal. B/c Luthorcorp has never done anything unscrupulous, perish the thought! Zach demands she drop the lead on the Luthor story.
Zach, have you been looking down my shirt again?
Cut to some remote area in the woods. We see some old dude and man, he looks rough... ho'shit, Lionel liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiives! Shit, Gandalf's in better shape and that beezy is like hundreds of years old, man. Bah, Gandalf would kick Lionel's ass anyway. Turns out Lionel's in some kind of log cabin or summat, dimly illuminated by eerie bluish light shining through the window. We hear heavy breathing. Darth Vader, is that you? Nope, it's just some random chick... wait, it appears Danielle from Lost has found a side gig. "Waaaaaaterrrrrr," Lionel rasps, in much the same fashion as I would the morning after an evening involving multiple tequila shots and possibly a keg stand. I doubt ole Lionel had that much fun, though. I mean, jeez, look at the chick he brought home.
Maaaaaaaan, Theta Chi throws some ragers.
We find out Danielle's put a massive bear trap on Lionel's right wrist. Kinky. After a brief unmemorable convo, Danielle wanders off to a greenhouse (also bathed in weird bluish light) full of marijuana plants and dials her boss. "He's finally awake," she says ominously. I guess we're supposed to find this whole scene menacing, but frankly, if I were stuck in a log cabin with its own pot shed, escape wouldn't exactly be my first priority.
Cut to cows. Guess it's back to the Kent farm for us! Rachel's at the loft with Clark, getting all up in is face in her tight boobtastic shirt. Lana shows up just as Rachel pushes him down on the couch and moves in for the kiss. In a twist that's not the least bit clichéd, it turns out she's just rehearsing lines with him, and Lana really isn't about to lay smackdown on the boyfriend-stealing ho. Rachel leaves. Lana makes a crack about rehearsing lines with Clark later, followed by more eyesex. Get a room already, you two. Jeez.
So Lana, you into method acting?
We find out that Rachel is staying at the farm now b/c it's more under the radar, proving that Smallville isn't the least bit hard up for plot devices at all. Lana informs Clark that Chloe found a clue about the attacker. She then shows Clark a screencap of a Warrior Angel message board, which bears an odd resemblance to Kryptonsite. A coincidence, I'm sure. Lana has found out that in the comics, Warrior Angel's girlfriend dies, but in the movie, she doesn't. This has apparently got some internet fen's knickers all in a bunch. They proceed to talk about crazy ass internet fen. I wait for fandom_wank to be mentioned. It's not, which makes me sad. Turns out Chloe has zeroed in one cryptic message left on said message board. Yeah, b/c internet fan boards so rarely have those!
These bitches got nothing on 4chan.
Cut to the Luthor mansion, where some PI chick is talking to Lex about Kara's fake background. I can't tell you what Chloe dreamed up, b/c that's how memorable it is. I still like my fired Laker Girl background better. Clark shows up and he and Lex talk comics. Lex waxes poetic about the days when he and Clark were still friends, when he thought everything was black and white, good vs. evil, etc. No metaphors here, kiddies, none at all. Lex shows Clark his Warrior Angel collection and quickly produces the issue containing the quote from the message board. Damn, that guy's got a photographic memory. I wish mine were that good! *is bitter about all the time I waste trying to remember what ep that clip/screencap/line is from* In a shocking coincidence, this is the same issue in which Warrior Angel's girlfriend dies. Lex goes on about how in the comic world, the hero is destined to be alone, cos ya know, we've never heard that one before! I'm awash in a sea of subtlety.
Back at the set, some crazie mofo is loading a gun identical to the one in the comic. Oh noes, that's totally not an omen or anything! OK, so crazie ass movie crew dude (MCD) hands over the gun to the actor and sneaks off, hides, then peeks through the slats in the gate. Oh noes, could he possibly be up to no good? OK, why does Warrior Angel have a pot? You'd think superheroes would keep themselves in better shape, jeez. Clark makes his always-timely arrival and uses his x-ray vision to see in the gun. Oh shit, this ain't paintball. He superspeeds over, the scene is filmed, and no one is the wiser. But wait! Clark is back on the sidelines and slowly opens his hand to reveal the crushed, smoking bullet. Oh, the drama! He couldn't like, keep the bullet hidden in his hand and inconspicuously walk off. Nope, instead he gives MCD a full-on view. Who'd have thunk it?
Clark: Damn, I am good.
Cut to Boobs sneaking into Luthorcorp in one of Sydney Bristow's discarded disguises. Bitch, you'll never be as fierce. Boobs congratulates herself, surely anticipating a CIA career in her near future, when she is busted by Mr. Clean. He takes a look at her fake ID tag, complete with a S4 promo shot with glasses photoshopped on. I don't get it... y'all can blow $$$ on those spectacular SFX and can't even be arsed to snap a quick picture of Boobs in disguise? *shakes head* Anyway, Boobs and Lex try to out-badass each other. Boobs wins this round, but I'm too busy LOLing at the ID card to care very much.
...Is it really necessary to caption this?
Cut to more Darth Vader breathing. We're back at our friendly local pot house. Danielle is watering the plants and preparing to roll a nice fat one. Lionel sees his chance and starts pulling the bear trap off his hand. Um, ew. Couldn't he at least have toked a fat one first? Once his hand is free, he knocks over his glass to distract Danielle. He then knocks her out with the water pitcher and runs off. You know, I'm not going to insult Danielle by calling this chick by her name. Danielle would've kicked both their asses and taken names.
Back to the Kent farm, where Clark has just arrived. Paps all over the place like shit on a pig. In the house, Rachel is getting a massage after having the Kent living room turned into a knockoff of the Beverly Hills Hotel or some junk. Yeah, way to keep a low profile, toots. We have a gratuitous skanky shot while she sits up and puts on her robe. Clark notices an envelope addressed to him sitting on the table. He opens it to find a Warrior Angel comic with a note: "I saw what you did last summer. It's your job to save the world. Save it." OK!
Cut to Lionel running through the woods. Someone knocks him out with a shovel. Marilyn (our wannabe Danielle) stumbles into the clearing only to run into Lana, wielding the shovel and looking badass. Turns out she's the big boss paying Marilyn to keep Lionel. Daaaaaaaaaamn, I don't wanna run into that bitch in a dark alley.
I knew I should've hired that Lost chick instead.
Back at the Daily Planet, Clark gets Chloe to track down the dude who sent the comic book. Of course she finds out in like, 2 seconds. Who are these people and why are they not working for the FBI? Clark heads over to the MCD's lair, which typically is full of comic memorabilia. Clark turns to the computer which spontaneously turns on. Damn, MCD is good. He then delivers a recorded message via the computer. How Mr. Universe of him. Damn, Joss, they're just ripping you off right and left! MCD is going on about how Clark has to accept his destiny, blah blah. Cue Pensive Clark Look.
If my destiny is this show and Cheaper By the Dozen 1341324132, I'll pass.
Cut to the pot house. Lex shows up looking for his daily fix and finds Lionel there. Lionel asks Lex why he did it. Marilyn shows up with shotgun and is about to blow Lex to kingdom come when Lionel sneaks up and bashes her head in repeatedly... man, this ep is really gross. Meanwhile Lex is looking on like WTF? You and me both, dude.
Back at... I'm not sure where, really. Rachel's hotel? Anyway, she's wearing another skanky top and Lana's in white, as usual. Rachel's going on about Clark and Lana's legendary love. How heartwarming. She's probably just glad Lana didn't lay serious smackdown. MCD bursts in and tazers Rachel. Lana tries to run away and he gets her, too.
Now where's a good shovel when you need one?
Back at the Daily Planet, Clark gives Chloe MCD's hard drive. Chloe, playing the role of Captain Obvious per usual, makes the Brilliant Deduction of the Day. Seeing as MCD is clearly mirroring the events of the Warrior Angel comic, he's probably going after Clark's girlfriend next. I mean, it's not like we haven't repeatedly had it drilled into our heads that Warrior Angel's girlfriend dies in the comics, or that superheroes are supposed to be alone, or anything like that. Oh, Chloe, you so smart (this isn't sarcasm, by the way, although given the intelligence of everyone else on this show, that's no great feat).
Clark hightails it over to Rachel's place, where MCD is about to push Lana off the balcony. Clark takes a flying leap off the balcony to save Lana. He catches her in mid-air where they eyesex again, then land on a car where they eyesex some more. Man, the owner of that car must be pissed.
Man, I hope he switched to Geico.
Cut to the Daily Planet. Oh boy, Boobs/Zach tension. They banter; he fires her from being his Plus One. Sit down, ho, you're not the ninth Doctor and Boobs sure ain't Rose. Zach asks Boobs on a date. Guess he's over Summer.
Back at the Kent farm, Lionel shows up at the loft. Lana fakes concern, but he knows. She holds her ground, and we have another Luthor trying to out-badass the opposition. Oh, Lana, you've come a long way since the pink-wearing prom queen of S1.
Now we're at Belle Reeve. Seeing it is always a bit of a thrill, ya know, like seeing Santa's workshop or something. You just hear it obliquely referred to all the time, and you wonder if it really exists or if it's just something that's supposed to scare people, kind of like the senior partners at Wolfram & Hart (another Angel reference-sorry, can't help it). Lex visits MCD, who's now got his own cozy cell at Belle Reeve. Lex tries to bribe MCD with his Warrior Angel comic collection, but MCD doesn't bite. Sorry, Lexie, looks like you'll need to spy on Clark some other way.
Cut to cows. Jeez, can those cows get a spot on the credits or something? Clark's in his tight blue shirt again, fixing a tractor or some junk. Rachel swings by to deliver a present from the Warrior Angel movie set. Lana shows up and says her goodbyes to Rachel. She and Clark talk, leading to the Big Prophetic Speech, b/c we haven't had nearly enough of those. Lana talks about how she doesn't want to be the one holding him back from his destiny. More eyesex before she walks back to the house. OK, honestly, can these two bang already and get it over with? I mean, the title is "Action," for Chrissakes.
Clark opens Rachel's present, which turns out to be Warrior Angel's red cape. Because we still don't get it yet, nuh uh. We end on Clark's Badass Walk back to the house.
Oh, the subtlety... it burns!
OK, I'm bored now, so I'm just gonna wrap this up real quick:
Bottom line: Superman symbolism coming out of the butt. Some fab SFX sequences, but I highly suggest leaving your brain on idle for this one-well, even more so than usual. Script-wise, Angel did it better, but what else is new.