It's that time again...
Smallville 7x04 "Cure"
Sadly, I don't think this ep will cure any of the multiple ailments this show suffers from
Ahh, Smallville. It's been years since I've recapped you (literally; I think the last ep I recapped was back in S3). I've been watching sporadically since then, but I'm still missing large chunks of knowledge of the latest bi-products of Al and Miles' latest acid bender, so forgive me for being a bit out of the loop. Good thing I have faithful masochists friends willing to help a sista out.
There are many reasons why I've slacked on watching for the past, oh, 3 seasons, not the least of which being the complete inability to come up with any new material. Look, it's not like I'm asking this show to constantly hit us with an exciting, innovative nail-biter of an episode every week. Even Joss had his bombs (such as the very Buffy episode that came to mind when watching this one, but more on that later). Just something vaguely entertaining that isn't yet another obvious ripoff and does not require you have the IQ of a cheese Danish in order to take it seriously would do just fine (damn, now I'm craving a cheese Danish).
I had hoped that after a 3-season vacation I might see some progress, but sadly, this ep had little to offer beyond the usual Smallville standbys: trite, cyclical dialogue that never really accomplishes any narrative function (not just cyclical within the scene, but cyclical in the sense of using essentially the same conversations over and over again), stunt casting, Freak of the Week story in which Clark saves one of his female friends (in this case Chloe; Lana gets a vacation), flashy gratuitous cgi, and ~*dramatic*~ close-ups for effect. I'll give this show credit where credit's due-it's beautifully shot, the cgi is great, and the people are (mostly) very pretty. I suppose you gotta do what you gotta do to distract from the complete lack of a decent script. Anyway, this ep struck me as a throwback to the FotW days of S1, only then, you were at least able to enjoy those eps with your brain on idle, rest assured that Clark would save the girl and that there's no plot twist that can't be explained away by phosphorescent green gunk (a.k.a. kryptonite... and come to think of it, this show seems to be mine). This time around, however, the attempt to hearken back to S1 (including a guest appearance by a former FoTW) does less to provoke nostalgia than to provide a depressing reminder that this old gray mare ain't what she used to be.
Well, I've farted around long enough with this preamble, so let's just cut the crap and get to... well, I'd have said good stuff, but... um, yeah, just... stuff.
The episode opens with the usual outside shot of the scene-in this case the Talon. Cut to Chloe wearing a pensive expression™ as well as a purple blouse and orange earrings that clash terribly. At least her hair looks somewhat decent now, so I'll give her credit for that. Jimmy Olsen swaggers in and offers her something to "turn that frown upside down." Dude, where'd you get that line from, The Hardy Boys? Then our attention is diverted by a girl's voice asking for honey. Uh-oh, freak alert! Don't you know they all want honey for their coffee? The camera focuses on some Corbin Bleu knockoff behind the counter and some chick in glasses on the other side... OMG, it's Bee Girl! Hehe, Bee Girl? Honey? Get it? *slaps knee* Oh, whoever-wrote-this-script, you sly dog.
Chloe, being the human freak database she is, instantly recognizes her voice. Man, bitch is good. Even I don't remember the voice of every crazie ass mofo who's ever tried to kill me or my friends. Cut to the back alley behind the Talon (b/c nobody ever just walks out the front door onto the well-lit, usually not deserted main street). Chloe accosts her. Bee Girl explains that she was discharged from Belle Reeve after some quack named Curtis Knox surgically removed her kryptofreakness. Wow, you can remove batshititude with brain surgery? Shit, can I sick this guy on half the members of online fandom? Anyway, Chloe backs off, then cut to Bee Girl walking through a deserted, ill-lit parking lot. Then some crazy fat guy accosts her. Wow, didn't see that one coming from a mile away! Oh, shit, it's Curtis Knox, a.k.a. Dean Cain. Ho'shit, son. Not to be mean, but... the years were not kind to him.
You work that mace, girl!
Credits, blah blah.. Cut to obligatory bucolic shot of the Kent Farm. Lana's in the kitchen having really nice hair. Kara walks in... ho'shit, supergirl's midriff is covered! Amazing. Lana says she's making Clark some blueberry pancakes, which are apparently known to have aphrodisiac properties. Lana and Kara proceed to have Female Bonding Time™ which consists of a groundbreaking convo about secrets, a topic that's never been covered before in Smallville. Clark bounds down the stairs in his primary-colored glory, and when Lana checks the Kents' fridge and finds no maple syrup (le gasp!), what's a hungry Kryptonian farm boy to do but superspeed to the corner store? He returns instantaneously... damn, can you superspeed through the line and checkout, too? I mean shit, even the self-checkout machines at Wal*Mart don't work that fast... *suspicious look* Clark, did you steal that? Tsk, tsk. Hardly superhero-ey behavior, Clarky poo! And now Martian Man bursts into the kitchen and gets told off by Kara. Damn, can't anyone have a peaceful breakfast these days? Jeez.
Cut to dramatic shot of Supergirl in the loft, gazing out the window whilst the light bounces just so off her perfect coif. Insert obligatory foggy memory voice (I guess one's memories have the acoustics of a bad radio transmission) portending doom. Cut to Martain Man warning Clark about Supergirl and the Crystal of Doom. The yet another dramatic shot of Supergirl, this time bathed in a bright white glow and looking ethereally constipated.
Oh shit, did I leave my Milk of Magnesia on the ship?
Cut to the Luthor mansion. Guess who's come a-calling? Yup, none other than Knox! Damn, between him and Lexypoo, the shifty in the room is reaching critical mass. As the two engage in the standard convo consisting of Lex and the Bad Guy trying to out-badass each other, I am overwhelmed by how puffy Dean Cain is. Seriously, he's like Emeril Lagasse with super powers *wonders if he'll cook me up a nice meal... I am kinda hungry* And what Lex-vs-whoever scene would be complete with Lex's patented diabolical planning look ™?
Bam!
So now we're in the Lair of Evil Emeril. He puts on a vinyl of some classical shizz. Why do bad guys always listen to classical music? Just once I'd like to see a bad guy listen to like, Led Zeppelin. Mozart must be rolling over in his grave. (Or Brahams, or Bach, or whoever the heck this is; I don't know my classical, sry2say). Pan over to a striking, dark-haired, comatose beauty.in the background, glowing lab equipment in the foreground. You know, in all my years of college chem.lab, few if any of the compounds we mixed are phosphorescent... but then, we weren't screwing with weird meteor rocks, which would've made chem lab a lot more interesting. Anyhoozy, this whole scene reminds me vaguely of Spike and Drusilla circa S2 of Buffy ... well, if Spike were tall and puffy and Dru were comatose.
Don't worry, my pet... soon you will be in a better script.
Emeril grabs his apron and apparently, Bee Girl soufflé is on the menu tonight! Yup, there she is strapped down with her shirt open. Remind me to wear a nice bra next time some psycho ass food network flunkie kidnaps me. He starts fondling her stomach whilst talking in that Scary-Seductive Bad Guy Voice™, which is far less scary than the initial shock of seeing what's happened to Superman since Lois&Clark. Bitch, you're not Spike, GTFO.
Cut to the Daily Planet, where Chloe is gazing pensively at Knox's file on the computer screen. Jimmy bounds in all excited like, and Chloe quickly takes the wind out of his sails by canceling their date in favor of researching some crazy mofo. Uh oh, she's got that bargain basement Veronica Mars look! Jimmy says Chloe's obsessed with meteor freaks... no shit, Sherlock! You're just now getting that? Wall of Weird, anyone? Anyhoozy, Jimmy wanders off as Clark superspeeds in, not the least bit conspicuous at all. Nobody's going to notice some blur or primary colors whizzing by scattering your papers, not at all. Clark wants to use Chloe as his computer bitch, she starts fapping about Mount Olympus or some junk (Isn't that Lex's line?) Chloe takes off and Clark gazes after her with his Pensive Frown™. Wow, Chloe being bitchy, what a concept. That never happens!
Oh Dean, say it ain't so!
Cut to Emeril's Kitchen of DOOM, erm, office. Chloe is sitting there, all bathed in dramatic bluish light and looking quite damsel-like. She tells Doctor Demento that she's a meteor freak. Again, shocking stuff here.
Cut to Lana in the Loft, shadily typing away at a laptop. Uh-oh, she's wearing black and has her hair in a bun-her patented Badass Look™. She's on some IM program that looks like Windows '98 or something. Come on, you're Lex Luthor's ex-wife! Surely you can afford Vista. Clark shows up and Lana quickly minimizes. They begin talking about Knox. Lana mentions a Clash of the Titans. Jeez, did Bulfinch's throw up on this script or what? Now we've got the trademark Dramatic Close-ups™ to remind us how pretty Tom and Kristin are even when talking about the most mundane crap.
I wasn't looking at porn, not at all!
Kara shows up the Daily Planet in a tight red tank top, exhibiting some serious bouncing action while bonding down the steps... her hair, you perverts. She starts flirting with Jimmy, pretending to be a UFO nut... I've heard of some creative lines to get into a guy's pants, but this is a first. She wants to see Lois's crash site video, which, to my eternal shock, sucks. Kara makes some suggestive comments about cameras, and Jimmy agrees to some rough-and-tumble with UFO databases.
Cut to Chloe in her apartment, Dramatic Lighting™ included. She tries to lie to Clark about her interest in Knox, but even the Big Dumb Alien is too smart for that. Chloe wants brain surgery? Long overdue, if you ask me. Whoa, she's healing people now? How very Max Evans of her. Wow, I missed a lot. She explains about the risk of memory loss. Clark worries she'll forget him... oh Lord, what if he's in for another two years of her throwing herself at him before she gets the idea? Of course, cue Pensive Clark Look™.
Bitch, this is Smallville, not Roswell.
Cut to Doctor Eats-a-Lot at the fertilizer plant. Let's hope he doesn't have super smell. He drags a bubble-wrapped body out of the trunk, presumably Bee Girl... kinky. At that precise moment, Lex shows up. What a coinky-dink! Lex has figured out Knox's Diabolical Plan to mulch Bee Girls' body with the fertilizer. Um, ew. Cue more out-badassing that culminates in Lex whipping out a gun and let's just say it ain't a spiriting match of Paintball. A bullet-ridden Doctor Strangefug falls to the ground, and Lex walks away. Yeah, Lex, turn your back on some shady guy in Smallville, that's real smart! Have you learned nothing in 7 seasons-ahh shit, why bother. Doctor Zhifatso gets up and proceeds to do the Menacing Walk™ whilst pulling bullets out of his chest. OK, this is some gross shit, jeez. Meanwhile Knox is going on about how he survived all this historical shit; I can't be arsed to remember it all. Whilst Lex is just standing there scratching his ass, Doctor Doof takes his chance and clocks him a good one. He's about to lay serious smackdown on Mr. Clean when Clark shows up in the nick of time. Clark grabs Knox, who proceeds to make like a baseball until a fuse box breaks his fall. Clark grabs Lex and takes off. Cut to Doctor Shmuck and the ~*shocking*~ eye-opening, only not. I mean, the bitch survived being pumped full of more rounds than Al Gough's latest blow-up doll, you really think some measly fuse box'll take him out?
Ho'shit, I knew this loser looked familiar.
Dramatic shot of Metropolis, complete with full moon! Kara and Jimmy are bonding over Chinese take-out. Jimmy has just taught Kara the fine art of seductive chopstick-wielding when the video render completes. Jimmy gets more excited than Al Gough at a Vienna Boys' Choir concert, but Kara puts the kibosh on that real quick (what is with blonde chicks being Jimmy's buzz kill? Poor guy). Kara tells him to keep the ship crash site secret. Of course, Chloe shows up with the perfect timing possessed by everyone on this show. Despite Jimmy's assurances that he and Kara aren't watching extraterrestrial midget porn, Chloe doesn't buy it. She and Jimmy have a fight. Oh, my heart. *is emo*
Cut to Lex in Metropolis General, the staff of which probably takes bets on which Kent, Lang, or Luthor is gonna check in this week. Yet another tension-ridden Clark/Lex convo in which Lex warns Clark about Knox. Nice one, Captain Obvious! Jeez, does everyone on this show have the collective IQ of a roll of toilet paper? Not much else to say except that Tom's getting a lot of mileage out of the Pensive Clark Look™ this week.
I R srs Clark. This R srs bizniz.
Meanwhile, Chloe is meeting McChubby at his Office of Doom. No staff? Suspicious vial? Good god, his patients must have the IQ of a dung beetle. After all, it's not reflecting too good on our Indomitable Heroine that it took her this long. I'm thinking of the pilot of Angel, when Cordy figures out Russell is a vampire, only that was at least funny/witty. This is just like a bad teen horror flick. Anyway, Doctor Big Mac catches Chloe and drugs her like Bee Girl. Oh, shit.
Whaddaya mean, Veronica would've figured it out by now?
Cut to Jimmy looking constipated at the Daily Planet. There must be a severe lack of Dulcolax on the set. Jimmy finds a cryptic note Chloe left him that only Clark understands... yeah, that makes a lot of sense! I used to think Chloe was the brains of this operation, but now I'm not so sure.
Back to the Lair of McBatshit. He wheels Chloe next to his zombie lover in a scene not reminiscent of the Buffy episode "Some Assembly Required" at all. Meanwhile, back at Knox's office, Clark finds Knox's throwback pocket watch. God, bitch might be immortal and all but jump into the 21st century, Jeez. Lex shows up just then... too late, you loser. Lex channels Captain Obvious again and explains that Knox has been alive for centuries, b/c ya know, his comments to Lex at the fertilizer plant didn't give any clues at all. Lex identifies a Roman greeting about living forever or some junk (subtlety is clearly a lost art to these writers) inscribed on the watch. He makes the connection to some Victorian hotel, right off the top of his head. Oh, God, I love this show. It just so happens that Knox still lives there! Now I know what happens to mysteries too stupid for Keith Mars to take on.
This note makes about as much sense as the script.
Back in Knox's Lair, Chloe's still lying there with an open shirt... so that's why Knox went for the heart and not the brain (although to be honest, I don't think anyone's brain on this show is worth harvesting). We find out that the Bride of Frankenfug is in an artificially-induced coma to make Knox's game of human jigsaw puzzle easier.
Chloe tries to talk her way out of it, offering to cure Lovergirl with her abilities... shut up, you ain't Max Evans, OK? Chloe and McCreepy fap on about true love... yeah, let's torture Chlarkers! Schoolgirl crush? Can we make it any more obvious? (Oh shit, I'm quoting Avril now... this show has officially driven me loo-loo). Knox busts out the knife and prepares to cut. No anesthesia? Shit, even the poor suckers in Turistas got that. And random observation, but why did he remove Chloe's shoes? Is it really necessary that her feet be bare while he cuts out her heart? Gross, now he's a hack job with a foot fetish. Chloe's still yapping away, and we find out Knox was Jack the Ripper. Ho, sit the fuck down. This script gets more pathetic by the minute.
Clark bursts in in the nick of time. Wow, I'd have never called that one. Cut to the lab equipment... of course the test tubes are full of green shit, and Clark adopts his Kryptonite Agony™ expression. Oh, I feel ya, Clarky, trust me. Doctor McLame is waxing emo on the paaaaaaaaaain of being immortal. Considering he's had to live his whole life in this shitty script, I can actually sympathize on that end. He rushes at Clark with an axe, but Clark wins with a well-placed duck. Meanwhile, Chloe just now gets up, wheels the green shit away from Clarky, and only now thinks to close her shirt.
I'll show those suckas for giving Batali Iron Chef and not me!
Meanwhile, Knox has rushed to the side of his patchwork lover, whose artificial life support has been destroyed, along with the plot's as well (someone should've given this bitch a DNR and saved us the agony). She briefly opens her eyes, then expires. What a great role, man. We get a final shot of Knox and his emo tears.
The birds are dying!!!!
Back at the loft, Clark is gazing at an old photo of Lana from S1. Martian Man apparates in (oops, wrong fandom). I'd honestly prefer the Weasley twins... at least they're amusing. Clark asks Martian Man what happened to Knox. Martian Man recites Kal-El's adage of don't ask, don't tell, meaning the writers were too goddamned lazy to think of something. I mean, WTF. How is Knox immortal? Is he a demon? Kryptonian? They can't even be arsed to make a lame half-assed explanation? God, even S1's Green Shit Explains Everything is preferable to this. Yeah well, you can't blame kryptonite for ass-tastic writing, can ya? Kara is there of course, and calls out Martian Asshole. She then makes a suitably dramatic and cgi-licious exit.
Cut to Lana in the kitchen doing flower arrangements after a busy ep of doing nothing. She's wearing pink, so she's sweet and wholesome in this scene. Cue lame recycled dialogue, cap with Pensive Clark Look™. Lather, rinse, repeat as not needed. Lex has an ulterior motive? NO WAI! Clark tells Lana that Lex spilled to him about the ten million smackers. Lana explains that the money was part of the divorce settlement, and she plans to use it to help meteor freaks exploited by Luthorcorp. She urges Clark not to let Lex's lies come between them. Um... Clark, sweetie, let's weigh what Lex a.k.a your Arch Nemesis has done vs what Lana, the supposed Love of Your Life has done... YES, LET'S TRUST THE EVIL MOTHAFUCKA INSTEAD. *headdesk*
What, act? Don't I just have to look pretty?
I hear the beginning strains of a pop song... ending montage coming up! Cut to Lana sporting a black blazer and her hair in a bun. Yes, kids, it's ~*Fierce*~ Lana time! Hmm, I kinda like this song. Lana walks into a room full of screens, like something out of Alias... ooh, she's bugged the Luthor Mansion! Now she's spying on Lex's giving his Pensive Look. How... boring.
Now we cut to the Daily Planet, where Jimmy is emoing. Chloe shows up in another fugtastic clashing outfit. Yup, she's either still got her memory or is now colorblind. Jimmy promptly begins acting a besotted freshman, busting out his favorite Hardy Boys lines. Uh oh, Chloe's looking angsty. Time for the "normal" relationship/"normal" life talk... jeez, don't you guys have any other material? Roswell reruns are more exciting than this. Jimmy asks Chloe what's wrong. She can't say it... YES LET'S KEEP TORTURING CHLARKERS. Emo pop music swells in the background, and the whole affair culminates in the Breakup Scene staple, Jimmy's dramatic slow-mo walk out the door. Shit, Gabriella's "Breaking Free" song in HSM 2 has nothing on this. Bust out the Kleenex, kids.
Gee, I wonder if I can get free Pay-per-view on this.
And finally, the agony ends! That has to be one of the saddest episodes ever, and I'm not talking tearjerker. Oh Smallville, how the mighty have fallen. Bottom line: why even bother with a halfway decent script when you can use the same repetitive convos that never really accomplish anything, same ~*dramastic*~ shots, same gratuitous cgi? One can't even derive the simple brain-on-idle enjoyment an S1 FotW ep provided b/c at least they made an effort. This ep just reeked of not giving a shit, and it shows. My advice? Bust out your S1 DVDs are relive Bee Girl as we first saw her. The FotW plot was much better only the eighteenth time around.
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