make a fence; because this is a brutal post
i was going to go to the hounds, big tako show tonight.
but then i found out my friends were going.
so i stayed home.
i know i will have to docter the wounds later, but i want to see a little blood shed first.
so yesterday i was walking into school and reached the door at the same time Thomas did. we began to talk and after a few minutes of small talk about how things have been and how the new semester was going we hit something that caused a realization for me. i hate high school, very, very much. its not the schooling that i hate, its the people. i hate them. and here comes a flip of topics eased in by me quoting myself.
"With some people it seems that I use them for what they were meant to teach me and then get rid of them. That's a reoccurring pattern in my life."
Speaking of myself: "You cut out an era of citizens from the cast of your life’s credits... and you’re happier for it."
so during the summer between middle school and high school i decided that i wanted nothing to do with the people i had called my friends. consequently, for a year i didn’t really have a "group" of friends. not that i was boo-hoo emo, i don’t i have any friends in the world, but just the lack of an established gathering of people with consistent members who all know their place and importance. for a year, i socially scripple fagged around. eventually, i settled down into a new group. but, although not as severely, i am finding this yearning to uproot my social security. haha. jokes. my social security meaning the security in the high school social scene that i no longer want to have. earlier, i said "not as severely" and by that i meant not to the extent of acknowledging only one person from all the ones i knew in middle school. i will, hopefully, continue to remain in the area socially but without the strong connections with certain people that i have now. and the following is why i do not want them as my "group" of friends: all of them are your typical high school child. what does today’s typical high school child consist of these days? "how the fuck i am i going to fucking pay for my goddamn cigarettes with out a fucking job?!" "who the fuck am i going to get shit-faced with this weekend?" "when is the next time im going to get a good fuck in?" "why do my fucking parents think they have anything to do with my life?" that is all they are concerned with as far as they have shown me. awful, awful waste of the organ called a brain. the deepest intellect i have ever seen from one of these kids who i want away from is teenage depression and depression is something that i will only rarely put up with. because i hate angst, therefore, sometimes i hate myself. but i always hope i notice and quit being dumb. all i want from life is substance. something i cant touch but can always hold on to. the chance of hope, the consistency of religion, the promise of thought. but nay. i am in high school. oh, to be an over worked, in debt collage student who has the freedom to circumnavigate the entire perimeter and its core in search for what they wish. i wish i could explain all of this. explain how they are and why i don’t like it. and how i am and why that makes me not like how they are. they are just not what i want. they aren’t the people i want to hang out with, not the people I can trust, not the people who i am going to go to when my dad dies. "death? what's death? i'm never going to die!" and then they go fling their tits or dick around some more. that’s what i see in these people. i see self absorbed “high school drama” focus children who have much to experience in life, which is quite interesting considering how much they have let themselves experience already. that sounded very "oh, i hate their heathen ways, but Jesus will protected me." but it was meant to be more of a "they're bull-shitting their way through life and it shows." i don’t know if things have changed or if i missed what worthless members of society they are in the first place. they are going to get out of high school, go to collage and have no priority higher than parties, sex, alcohol, cigarettes and whatever drugs they are on by then. and when they get, or fail out i have no idea what they are going to do with their lives. yet, maybe, they will go through a reformation or maybe multi reformations. maybe. i hope. not for me, not so much for them, but for their children. but i am certain now of what i want for the next ten years. i wont settle for answering phones or typing numbers and letters. i wont let myself be one of those people who you never think about in life. the person who rings up your jeans at the mall. the person you speak with before you start the long wait in a doctors office. the person who fixes your child’s messed up school schedule. i want take the more influential job. the waitress at your favorite waffle house. the cashier at the right stuff. the neighborhood mail woman. mostly, though, i want a big shot job. the artist that makes a living but is only locally know. the columnist who gets their mind printed for all to read. the fuse of a revolution, or something that makes a difference to only a few people. i don’t want to change the lives of hundreds or thousands. i want to change the lives of tens or twenties, fifties or sixties, the best of decades. and i cant do that if i keep myself in knee deep sludge.
Summery: the people i considered my friends a month ago are addicted to being what everyone wants them to be and are horrible, wretched and sickening because of the fact that they are so absorbed in the idea of teenage rebellion. therefore, i am severing the relations. i will be around, but not connected.
composure, maturity, significance, have it don’t talk to me. maybe ill give them another chance.
but then i found out my friends were going.
so i stayed home.
i know i will have to docter the wounds later, but i want to see a little blood shed first.
so yesterday i was walking into school and reached the door at the same time Thomas did. we began to talk and after a few minutes of small talk about how things have been and how the new semester was going we hit something that caused a realization for me. i hate high school, very, very much. its not the schooling that i hate, its the people. i hate them. and here comes a flip of topics eased in by me quoting myself.
"With some people it seems that I use them for what they were meant to teach me and then get rid of them. That's a reoccurring pattern in my life."
Speaking of myself: "You cut out an era of citizens from the cast of your life’s credits... and you’re happier for it."
so during the summer between middle school and high school i decided that i wanted nothing to do with the people i had called my friends. consequently, for a year i didn’t really have a "group" of friends. not that i was boo-hoo emo, i don’t i have any friends in the world, but just the lack of an established gathering of people with consistent members who all know their place and importance. for a year, i socially scripple fagged around. eventually, i settled down into a new group. but, although not as severely, i am finding this yearning to uproot my social security. haha. jokes. my social security meaning the security in the high school social scene that i no longer want to have. earlier, i said "not as severely" and by that i meant not to the extent of acknowledging only one person from all the ones i knew in middle school. i will, hopefully, continue to remain in the area socially but without the strong connections with certain people that i have now. and the following is why i do not want them as my "group" of friends: all of them are your typical high school child. what does today’s typical high school child consist of these days? "how the fuck i am i going to fucking pay for my goddamn cigarettes with out a fucking job?!" "who the fuck am i going to get shit-faced with this weekend?" "when is the next time im going to get a good fuck in?" "why do my fucking parents think they have anything to do with my life?" that is all they are concerned with as far as they have shown me. awful, awful waste of the organ called a brain. the deepest intellect i have ever seen from one of these kids who i want away from is teenage depression and depression is something that i will only rarely put up with. because i hate angst, therefore, sometimes i hate myself. but i always hope i notice and quit being dumb. all i want from life is substance. something i cant touch but can always hold on to. the chance of hope, the consistency of religion, the promise of thought. but nay. i am in high school. oh, to be an over worked, in debt collage student who has the freedom to circumnavigate the entire perimeter and its core in search for what they wish. i wish i could explain all of this. explain how they are and why i don’t like it. and how i am and why that makes me not like how they are. they are just not what i want. they aren’t the people i want to hang out with, not the people I can trust, not the people who i am going to go to when my dad dies. "death? what's death? i'm never going to die!" and then they go fling their tits or dick around some more. that’s what i see in these people. i see self absorbed “high school drama” focus children who have much to experience in life, which is quite interesting considering how much they have let themselves experience already. that sounded very "oh, i hate their heathen ways, but Jesus will protected me." but it was meant to be more of a "they're bull-shitting their way through life and it shows." i don’t know if things have changed or if i missed what worthless members of society they are in the first place. they are going to get out of high school, go to collage and have no priority higher than parties, sex, alcohol, cigarettes and whatever drugs they are on by then. and when they get, or fail out i have no idea what they are going to do with their lives. yet, maybe, they will go through a reformation or maybe multi reformations. maybe. i hope. not for me, not so much for them, but for their children. but i am certain now of what i want for the next ten years. i wont settle for answering phones or typing numbers and letters. i wont let myself be one of those people who you never think about in life. the person who rings up your jeans at the mall. the person you speak with before you start the long wait in a doctors office. the person who fixes your child’s messed up school schedule. i want take the more influential job. the waitress at your favorite waffle house. the cashier at the right stuff. the neighborhood mail woman. mostly, though, i want a big shot job. the artist that makes a living but is only locally know. the columnist who gets their mind printed for all to read. the fuse of a revolution, or something that makes a difference to only a few people. i don’t want to change the lives of hundreds or thousands. i want to change the lives of tens or twenties, fifties or sixties, the best of decades. and i cant do that if i keep myself in knee deep sludge.
Summery: the people i considered my friends a month ago are addicted to being what everyone wants them to be and are horrible, wretched and sickening because of the fact that they are so absorbed in the idea of teenage rebellion. therefore, i am severing the relations. i will be around, but not connected.
composure, maturity, significance, have it don’t talk to me. maybe ill give them another chance.