(no subject)
I'm two weeks away from leaving Ohio and I'm experiencing an onslaught of emotions.
When I left Virginia just over six years ago, I didn't feel anything. I was eager to get away from my life there...the shitty relationship I had just ended, the father who basically told me I was destined for unhappiness and failure...I had a couple of close friends I was going to miss, but ultimately, I was more excited than anything to venture into something new and unknown.
Time has worn me down. Six years' worth of terrible financial decisions is sending me packing to a place I thought I would never return. The idea of moving back in with my parents on the day after my 27th birthday makes me feel like a piece of shit, but sadly, it is the best option. I was given the option to stay here and live with a couple of friends for really cheap, but after searching for a local way out of my current and completely destructive job situation, I decided it wasn't worth it. And there's no telling when that place is going to fall to pieces anyway. I was also given the option of moving to Phoenix to live with my grandparents. I thought about it, but decided I wasn't ready to exactly take that big of a leap.
So with two weeks left to go, I find myself entrapped by a variety of emotions.
Anger toward myself for not making better decisions.
Hate toward my shitbag ex for...well, for being a shitbag and helping me align myself with what I feel to be failure (I do feel like I'm largely to blame for the position I'm in, but after several years of living beyond my means, going into major debt in the process, paying off HIS debt with my student loans, him telling me he'd help me and then me pretty much leaving that relationship with nothing...yeah, I'm harboring some hate for him...and I don't know if that will ever go completely away until I'm able to stabilize myself financially).
A deep sense of sadness and loss for leaving behind an amazing group of friends who have been there for me through the worst of it...I know that we will keep in touch, and I know I'm going back to another amazing group of friends in Virginia, but still...it's difficult to say goodbye.
Stressed because I don't have a job lined up at this time. I've got a window of maybe two weeks tops to find something - anything - that will keep me afloat. I have to make a minimum of $800 a month to make all my payments. My mom doesn't seem to think I'll have a problem...I hope she's right about that. I'd like to substitute teach in the fall, but I need something to get me through the summer.
Fear that my parents - namely, my father - won't respect the person I've become and will try to force me to go to church...and about the ensuing backlash concerning the fact that I have no desire to live the sort of life they do. Will my dad kick me out? I'm thankful that they're letting me move back in and not pay rent while I try to get my shit together, but will I end up paying rent in a different way, as in succumbing to a digression from all the progress I've made in the past year and a half? I am incredibly fearful of that.
Hope for the future...hope that I can get back into school, finish up rather quickly and move on with my life doing something that I actually believe is worthwhile, as opposed to the shit I do now.
Excitement to return to the friends I've managed to stay in touch with during the past six years, and to rekindle friendships that have sparked as a result of Facebook. I am also very happy to be closer to my boyfriend...even though he will be shipping out to either Iraq or Afghanistan in August for a year. That's going to be rough, but hopefully in the time he's gone I can get some shit corrected so I can be a lighter, less stressed version of myself when he returns.
Clearly, I have a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm not completely happy with this move. I wouldn't have been happy staying here either, though, as the thought of spending another winter in this cloud-covered state makes me cringe, and my job makes me absolutely hate everything. But it just feels like I'm trading one demon for another...though hopefully I'm just blowing the unknown out of proportion and things will be better than I'm expecting. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right?
I haven't started packing yet. I've been avoiding the fuck out of it. I procured a large sampling of boxes and even some packing materials from work this week...maybe tomorrow.
My last day at work is Friday. My going away bash is that night. Joel is flying in on the following Monday and we're going to spend my last week here together doing stuff...going to Cedar Point, hitting up local favorites, saying goodbye to Ohio and everything I've come to love and hate. And then on that Saturday, we'll be making the drive and moving my life 600 miles southeast.
It's gonna be here before I know it. I hope I'm prepared to handle it.
When I left Virginia just over six years ago, I didn't feel anything. I was eager to get away from my life there...the shitty relationship I had just ended, the father who basically told me I was destined for unhappiness and failure...I had a couple of close friends I was going to miss, but ultimately, I was more excited than anything to venture into something new and unknown.
Time has worn me down. Six years' worth of terrible financial decisions is sending me packing to a place I thought I would never return. The idea of moving back in with my parents on the day after my 27th birthday makes me feel like a piece of shit, but sadly, it is the best option. I was given the option to stay here and live with a couple of friends for really cheap, but after searching for a local way out of my current and completely destructive job situation, I decided it wasn't worth it. And there's no telling when that place is going to fall to pieces anyway. I was also given the option of moving to Phoenix to live with my grandparents. I thought about it, but decided I wasn't ready to exactly take that big of a leap.
So with two weeks left to go, I find myself entrapped by a variety of emotions.
Anger toward myself for not making better decisions.
Hate toward my shitbag ex for...well, for being a shitbag and helping me align myself with what I feel to be failure (I do feel like I'm largely to blame for the position I'm in, but after several years of living beyond my means, going into major debt in the process, paying off HIS debt with my student loans, him telling me he'd help me and then me pretty much leaving that relationship with nothing...yeah, I'm harboring some hate for him...and I don't know if that will ever go completely away until I'm able to stabilize myself financially).
A deep sense of sadness and loss for leaving behind an amazing group of friends who have been there for me through the worst of it...I know that we will keep in touch, and I know I'm going back to another amazing group of friends in Virginia, but still...it's difficult to say goodbye.
Stressed because I don't have a job lined up at this time. I've got a window of maybe two weeks tops to find something - anything - that will keep me afloat. I have to make a minimum of $800 a month to make all my payments. My mom doesn't seem to think I'll have a problem...I hope she's right about that. I'd like to substitute teach in the fall, but I need something to get me through the summer.
Fear that my parents - namely, my father - won't respect the person I've become and will try to force me to go to church...and about the ensuing backlash concerning the fact that I have no desire to live the sort of life they do. Will my dad kick me out? I'm thankful that they're letting me move back in and not pay rent while I try to get my shit together, but will I end up paying rent in a different way, as in succumbing to a digression from all the progress I've made in the past year and a half? I am incredibly fearful of that.
Hope for the future...hope that I can get back into school, finish up rather quickly and move on with my life doing something that I actually believe is worthwhile, as opposed to the shit I do now.
Excitement to return to the friends I've managed to stay in touch with during the past six years, and to rekindle friendships that have sparked as a result of Facebook. I am also very happy to be closer to my boyfriend...even though he will be shipping out to either Iraq or Afghanistan in August for a year. That's going to be rough, but hopefully in the time he's gone I can get some shit corrected so I can be a lighter, less stressed version of myself when he returns.
Clearly, I have a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm not completely happy with this move. I wouldn't have been happy staying here either, though, as the thought of spending another winter in this cloud-covered state makes me cringe, and my job makes me absolutely hate everything. But it just feels like I'm trading one demon for another...though hopefully I'm just blowing the unknown out of proportion and things will be better than I'm expecting. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right?
I haven't started packing yet. I've been avoiding the fuck out of it. I procured a large sampling of boxes and even some packing materials from work this week...maybe tomorrow.
My last day at work is Friday. My going away bash is that night. Joel is flying in on the following Monday and we're going to spend my last week here together doing stuff...going to Cedar Point, hitting up local favorites, saying goodbye to Ohio and everything I've come to love and hate. And then on that Saturday, we'll be making the drive and moving my life 600 miles southeast.
It's gonna be here before I know it. I hope I'm prepared to handle it.