Dec 08, 2009 02:08
...where we'll stop, nobody knows.
That about describes my life at the moment. Hello, Livejournal. It's been awhile. I've had plenty to vent, but not the energy or the desire to invest 15-30 minutes into posting an update. Tonight is different.
Times are precarious. My father's sister tried to kill herself today. Downed a bottle of barbiturates. Nobody knows where she got them from. Last I heard she was in a coma. Apparently, she's been battling a gambling addiction for years and years. About six years ago, she even stole money from my grandmother, which caused Nana to not speak to her daughter for nearly two years. Once my cousin had a baby, things seem to turn around, however, and that side of the family seemed to heal a bit. I say "that side" because it seems like my family, my father included, has never been incredibly involved in what goes on over there, 2000 miles away, in Phoenix, Arizona.
This all really got me thinking.
I have no concept of family or relationships because my own parents set a really fucking shitty example for it. I grew up on the other side of the country from my extended family. The last time I've seen either of my aunts - I only have two - was when I was ten, which is the last time I saw Nana and three of my four cousins. My oldest cousin, Lisa, came to visit when I graduated from high school. There were cards and occasional phone calls, but nothing more. Since my mother's parents are based on the east coast, I would get to see them more often, especially G'ma, who would usually travel to Pittsburgh once a year, and make a detour down to Virginia while on this side of the country. Both my father and my mother have nonexistent relationships with each of their sisters...and I feel it's as though it's due to the fact that they judge them...they've both been divorced - my mother's sister is a feisty, free spirit who apparently has never gotten along with my dad, and my dad's sister...well, I already addressed that. And, of course, I feel as though my own parents - and perhaps even my brother to some extent - judge me because I don't follow the same rigid belief system they do. So more often than not, I feel as though I have a hole in my heart, which I have attempted in the past to fill with douchey, worthless, piece of shit boyfriends, but have more recently, and more wisely, filled with amazing and caring friends who have become like family to me - of course, that is, after wading through the flaky individuals who thankfully no longer have a place in my life. Save one individual with whom I still need to resolve issues, I've got a pretty solid foundation built up around me here, and I am slowly but surely learning how to build close relationships unlike I've never experienced before.
But times are tough...and though I've come to embrace my independence, I find that, simply, I cannot do this on my own. Financially, I'm fucked forty-six ways from Friday, and unless $100k fell into my lap at this very moment, I would certainly flounder if I stayed in my current situation. I believed the only way I could achieve this was by admitting defeat, by packing up my bags and moving back to Virginia, much to the excitement of my parents, who have been waiting for me to move back pretty much since I came here. I told my mother that, unless an amazing opportunity presented itself here, that I really didn't have a choice.
But, very recently, an opportunity DID present itself, and a very generous couple that I am friends with offered a room to me in their home for less than $100 a month. No pressure, they said, but if you want to stay in Ohio, keep your job, and not leave your friends, you have a place to stay. I was blown away by this. Now, the gauge of certainty as been reversed; I thought I had no choice but to return to Virginia...now I'm thinking that unless an amazing job presents itself in Virginia, I'm going to stay here, if only for a little while longer, until I have a clearer vision of what I want to do and accomplish. With the amount of debt hanging over my head, that's really all I can think about; I have no aspirations, no dreams...I just want to pay it off. If I can even cut that in half during the six months to a year that I'm living with this couple, that would be a huge step in the right direction. The most important thing is that I wouldn't be locked into a lease, so that if a better opportunity DID present itself elsewhere - oh yeah, and did I mention my grandparents offered me a place to stay in Phoenix as well? - I could pack up and go.
But for now, I could stay surrounded by the good people that keep me grounded and sane, while also working to rebuild familial relationships from afar, for I have a feeling that moving in with my parents would NOT be a good way to get on good terms with them - the moment they expected me to go to church with them on a regular basis would be the end of that. Tonight I wrote a message to my brother, telling him that I don't want to end up like our parents and their siblings, that I want him to be in my life in some way, shape or form, that he can always talk to me and I would never judge him, and that I love him. I've never openly expressed such affection for my brother, and I'm kind of worried of how he'll react to it. But I have to try. Never before has it been so shockingly clear to me how short life truly is, and the less time spent worrying or holding grudges or ignoring people or being judgmental, the absolute fucking better. It is never too late to take steps in the right direction.
My life has been in a tailspin lately, and though many things are still uncertain, I do believe I can come out of this on top.
Thanks for listening.