Failed attempt number 2.
How many times does this have to happen? I tried again to find someone who makes me crush hard enough to block you out of my mind. Failed. This time he is super sweet, would never have a mean thing to say about anyone, treats me like an angel, really loves to be around me, and so totally smitten, and we have an endless amount of things in common. What the...? What's wrong with this picture? Umm, I'm just not feelin it? There's no reason for this?! Yes, I have discovered that it's easier for people to fall for me than it is for me to fall for people and I've also discovered it kinda sucks. Just makes me think of that Vertical Horizon song, which of course makes me think of you because we tried to figure it out on my guitar in my car when we first started hanging out. Everything you want, everything you need... says all the right things at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why. Story of my life.
Then there's you who, for no identifiable reason, means the world to me. You're a flake. You don't want to be with me. You, unintentionally I know, make me feel like a fool. You don't care enough about the fact that we're not together to really do something about it. You don't ever prove me wrong when I expect the least from you. You're just hopeless when it comes to any future for you and I. Yet even just a glance from you gives me a rush. This is twisted.
I always think "maybe I just miss the feeling of love and not derek as a person..." but then I think about the look in your eyes when they catch mine and I know it's you. It's all you. I've been in love before, but with you it's like I still have a crush on you 2 and half years later... Everything you do is beautiful. You are a work of art and I just don't see anyone else like that at all. I'm just in awe of you all the time, even when you do or say something completely stupid or silly. Being any distance from you is so unsettling it's sickening. I'm really starting to think I'm incapable of feeling anything worthwhile for anyone else, because the feeling I get when I'm around you is still so incredibly overwhelming that it would crush anything in it's path.
Problem is... if I admit all this I'll be right back where we were. Me being head over heels for you and you liking me around sometimes. It's not fair. It hurts. A lot. But it hurts more to see you and not be able to kiss you. Just thinking about that made me a little dizzy. What do I do with all this? What am I supposed to do? Just pretend I don't feel it? I might as well pretend I hate animals (that's the most ridiculous thing I could think of haha.) But seriously, it obviously doesn't work and is really unfair to whoever I'm trying to date. What am I supposed to say, "sorry, you just don't do it for me I'm in love with someone else"?
I know I've only been seeing him for a few weeks... and in reading that I'm thinking "wow, you gave him a fair chance..." but I'm really starting to agree with you when you say that feeling happens when you meet someone. I mean I know Im not gonna fall in love in a few weeks but I should at least feel more of a rush when I see or think about him. I want to give it a chance to grow but it feels empty already, and I don't think it's because I'm not letting it happen. Maybe he's just not the one that's gonna make me get over you. Or maybe I'm not supposed to be over you. I don't know.
I don't know what to do. I know I want to be curled up with you right now but that's not what I need to think about...
Do I give up on him? If so, do I let myself be with you the little bit you'll let me? I miss it so much. I really had to try to not call you when I was in tears driving home over this whole thing. I wanted, more than anything, to just drive to your house and bury my head in your chest and just fall asleep. Make it all go away. But I just came home and curled up with Jackson. Gotta be strong.
I wonder if life will be easier for me when you go to Chile. Maybe it will allow me to actually like someone because I won't be run off the road by a simple stare from you. I can just try not to think about how you make me feel. At least I won't have to physically ignore it when it hits me. We'll see I guess... although we all know I'll still be in love with you no matter how far away you are. It just might be easier to pretend I'm not when I don't see you.
Then there's you who, for no identifiable reason, means the world to me. You're a flake. You don't want to be with me. You, unintentionally I know, make me feel like a fool. You don't care enough about the fact that we're not together to really do something about it. You don't ever prove me wrong when I expect the least from you. You're just hopeless when it comes to any future for you and I. Yet even just a glance from you gives me a rush. This is twisted.
I always think "maybe I just miss the feeling of love and not derek as a person..." but then I think about the look in your eyes when they catch mine and I know it's you. It's all you. I've been in love before, but with you it's like I still have a crush on you 2 and half years later... Everything you do is beautiful. You are a work of art and I just don't see anyone else like that at all. I'm just in awe of you all the time, even when you do or say something completely stupid or silly. Being any distance from you is so unsettling it's sickening. I'm really starting to think I'm incapable of feeling anything worthwhile for anyone else, because the feeling I get when I'm around you is still so incredibly overwhelming that it would crush anything in it's path.
Problem is... if I admit all this I'll be right back where we were. Me being head over heels for you and you liking me around sometimes. It's not fair. It hurts. A lot. But it hurts more to see you and not be able to kiss you. Just thinking about that made me a little dizzy. What do I do with all this? What am I supposed to do? Just pretend I don't feel it? I might as well pretend I hate animals (that's the most ridiculous thing I could think of haha.) But seriously, it obviously doesn't work and is really unfair to whoever I'm trying to date. What am I supposed to say, "sorry, you just don't do it for me I'm in love with someone else"?
I know I've only been seeing him for a few weeks... and in reading that I'm thinking "wow, you gave him a fair chance..." but I'm really starting to agree with you when you say that feeling happens when you meet someone. I mean I know Im not gonna fall in love in a few weeks but I should at least feel more of a rush when I see or think about him. I want to give it a chance to grow but it feels empty already, and I don't think it's because I'm not letting it happen. Maybe he's just not the one that's gonna make me get over you. Or maybe I'm not supposed to be over you. I don't know.
I don't know what to do. I know I want to be curled up with you right now but that's not what I need to think about...
Do I give up on him? If so, do I let myself be with you the little bit you'll let me? I miss it so much. I really had to try to not call you when I was in tears driving home over this whole thing. I wanted, more than anything, to just drive to your house and bury my head in your chest and just fall asleep. Make it all go away. But I just came home and curled up with Jackson. Gotta be strong.
I wonder if life will be easier for me when you go to Chile. Maybe it will allow me to actually like someone because I won't be run off the road by a simple stare from you. I can just try not to think about how you make me feel. At least I won't have to physically ignore it when it hits me. We'll see I guess... although we all know I'll still be in love with you no matter how far away you are. It just might be easier to pretend I'm not when I don't see you.