I don't even know what to think anymore...
I don't really know what label to put on the weight I felt today...
I wouldn't call it anger, depression, or sadness even. Maybe giving up? No, that's too final and certainly not what I want.
I don't remember when I talked to you last but I wasn't happy when I hung up. I've sent you probably 8 messages since then and have checked everyday for a reply. I've logged on every morning around the time you say you'd most likely be here. Nothing.
Disappointment might be the best word. Yeah, that one a grandma uses when she's upset. The one that hits deep down when someone you really care about feels it because of you or causes you to feel it.
I surfed like shit today. What else is knew I suppose... I got into the lineup and stayed far out for a bit. Tried to catch a few, almost got murdered by a few but surprisingly held my own out there. I don't know how it happened but at one point I let the current just take me, or maybe I wiped out. I don't know. It's all a blur really. I just didn't have it in me to care today. I fought my way back out but when I could barely stand up in whitewater I let the waves take me and my board in. And the damn thing wacked me in the leg on the way out. "Hey, I know you feel like a pieace of shit right now, let me just top that off for you..."
So there I sat under a palm tree, alone. Far away from everyone because I had just let myself drift away. People walked by hand and hand. Good thing I was dripping wet. I hate when people can tell that I'm crying.
That will never be us. A rash thought, I know... but is it? I know how badly we use to want, or wait, maybe it was just me... to just go off together and live the life everyone talks about but never lives. But the "together" part of that I know may never be a requirement for you.
I feel so weighed down today with all of this. I can't think anymore. I tried to call twice today. I was going to tell you to just forget about the whole thing. I was going to make the decision for you so I could just stop hoping and still feeling like it wasn't going to happen. You didn't answer. That didn't help at all. I put on a happy face to get the kids excited for the afternoon but I found myself staring off into space.
I make excuses because I don't want to be mad at you. But I am. I know you work, run, swim, and/or climb everyday but really? You can't take a minute to find a signal and send me a real message. Not just one about how you mistakenly joined a dating group? I understand your financial situation. I know that if you come here, I will go home with ZERO dollars, but fuck it. I just want to be here with you so badly I don't care. When we were talking about it online and you were like, "ok, I have to go," I'm not going to lie, that hurt. I know you love to stick to your plans and priorities but don't you see how sometimes I feel slighted? That was kind of an important conversation.
I feel like there will always be this little canyon between us. You go to Chile, I go to Oz and we are so happy in our little perfect worlds. But it can't work like that forever. I want you to see me so happy in the way you haven't and I want to see YOU that way. Don't you get it. I want you to come here and see this amazing place and how I know everyone and all the cool simple things here that give me that traveller's glow, you know? We'll never see that of eachother. That kills me. You see? It's so important to both of us but almost tears us apart at the same time. It's hard to explain but I hope you can figure out what I'm trying to say. I just really feel like it doesn't matter to you. I know you missed me in Chile but would it matter when you went back or could you really just stay forever without me and be happy? I don't know... I don't know what to think. When I don't talk to you for so long and the last time I talked to you you seemed so impartial, can you blame my mind for wandering? Really?
I love you, I really do... but sometimes I just lose a little hope for us.
On that note, I never want to read that sentence again because it's like a knife through the heart.
I'm going to bed.