White Collar Fic: The Leap Part 7
Title: The Leap
Author:
iamhere23
Rating: PG-13
Characters and/or Pairing: teen!Neal, Peter, Elizabeth, Mozzie, Adler, Diana, Jones
Word count: this part ~ 5500
Spoilers: all three seasons
Warnings: violence, abandonment issues,
All mistakes are my own.
PART 7
She hated this part. The waiting and looking for something that probably wasn’t even there. She looked at the feed and suddenly straightened up in her chair. Diana stared attentively at something in the monitor. It couldn’t be. She looked closer.
It was.
Neal was there, and he’d just slipped through security after creating a distraction at the door. Why would Neal be here of all places?
She grabbed her phone and spoke hurriedly. “Boss, you’re not gonna like this.”
“What is it?” Peter asked in an annoyed voice. He was already inside the Consulate. It was crowded and he hated things like this. The Russians claimed to have anonymously received an amber music box from Catherine The Great’s Amber Room in St. Petersburg. It was supposed to be priceless. The FBI had good reasons to believe that Adler had something to do with the whole thing. Did he have it before? If so, why give it back? If he didn’t have it before, then they had plenty of evidence to sugest that he'd be there to steal it.
Diana’s voice sounded urgent. “Caffrey just walked inside.”
“Neal’s here?” Peter asked, turning his body around trying to look for him. He stopped when he spotted Adler making his way upstairs.
“Yes. Should I go in after him?” Diana asked, already getting out of the car.
“Diana, make sure he doesn’t get anywhere near Adler.” Peter turned off his phone and followed the men upstairs, but was stopped by one of the Consulate’s guards.
Neal had already made his way upstairs on the other side. He’d seen Adler as soon as he’d come inside. He heard Peter’s voice arguing with a guard downstairs, and he hurried and slipped into the room he’d seen Adler go in, locking it behind him.
Diana was beside Peter, gesticulating and all but bashing her badge in the guard’s face. Peter stepped away and fumbled with his phone and answered. “Suit, we have a code red.”
Peter cursed. He did not need this right now. “Now is not the time, Mozzie.”
He made his way upstairs with Diana beside him.
“It’s a dark day when I turn towards the system instead of recoiling,” Mozzie said.
“Just spit it out!” Peter yelled.
“Remember when you asked me to tell you if Neal was gonna do something stupid? Well, I regretfully report that he’s out of his anklet.”
“Damn it.” Peter knew that already. He was here, somewhere, he was here without an anklet doing something stupid.
“But that’s not the stupid part.” Mozzie paused for a second. “He’s got a gun.”
They heard a gunshot from the room at the end of the corridor, and Peter thought his heart must have stopped. Neal. He shoved the phone into his pants and drew his gun. They reached the door and tried to open it, but it was jammed. He could hear voices behind the door. Neal was in there, with a gun. He slammed his shoulder against the door frantically trying to get it open.
“Neal!” Peter called desperately. “Neal!”
* * * *
Neal was shaking. His whole body was shaking. His eyes were wide open, shinning and red. He had to blink a lot, blink just so the tears he could feel gathering wouldn’t spill in front of the man he hated. He opened his mouth to take a calming breath.
He’d just fired Peter’s gun. It blasted a hole on the wall, right beside Adler’s head. They were alone in the room, but he had to do this fast. They were pounding on the door. Someone. Peter.
“Tell me why you killed Kate.” He hated the sound of his voice. It was filled with hatred and fear. He was sure Adler sensed it as well.
“What are you doing Neal? I thought violence wasn’t really your thing.” Vincent Adler was cool and collected as always. He held his hands up in the air.
“You killed her. You almost killed Mozzie. You got Alex. Tell me one reason why I shouldn’t put a bullet in your brain right now,” Neal spitted out.
“Neal, you all knew what you were getting into. You were cheap investments, easy to manipulate, and no one would miss any of you when time came to dispose of your services.” Adler lowered his arms and laughed. “I needed to set an example with Kate. Mozzie got what he deserved, and Alex had the key to the music box. Remember that small misunderstanding I had with the Russians a couple of years ago? Well, they wanted it, and I only wanted the code inside, hence this gala…”
“Shut up Adler. Just shut up. What do you want from us, from me?” Neal pointed the gun at him.
“I need one more job from you-,” Suddenly the door finally burst open, and Peter, Diana and half a dozen FBI agents waltzed into the room.
Neal glanced sideways and raised his gun again. He pointed it straight at Adler and tried to ignore the rest of the people. He had to end this now. Just a small squeeze and it would all be over. They would all be safe. He’d get the son of bitch that had killed Kate and hurt his friends. He hated him.
Peter was there. He was talking to him. Neal tried to ignore him and focus on shooting Adler, but he couldn’t. It was Peter.
“Neal,” Peter said carefully. He had felt relieved for a second after coming in. He felt relieved that Neal wasn’t shot and bleeding to death like his twisted mind had imagined. The relief didn’t last long. Not after looking at the teenager before him, gun in his hand, ready to kill someone. Neal, who would never hurt anyone, was going to kill the man before him, and he instantly wished he himself could kill Adler for making Neal this desperate.
“Neal. Neal, look at me.” He lowered his gun and tried to get closer to him. “Neal, look at me.”
“He killed Kate,” Neal said painfully. “I’ll kill him, for hurting Mozzie and Alex… He killed Kate.” He stepped closer to Adler and never broke eye contact with the man he was about to shoot. “I want him to hurt. I want him to know how she felt,” Neal’s voice broke.
“We’ll stop him, but not like this. Never like this. Trust me.” Peter willed his voice to sound confident and reassuring.
“A conman never trusts, Neal. I taught you that,” Adler said in a calm voice.
Peter wanted to strangle the man. “For God’s sake, shut up Adler. You’re not helping.” He addressed the boy again. “Neal, you’re not a conman; you’re not even a man. You’re a fifteen year old kid.”
Neal was shaking again, this wasn’t working. “Neal!” Peter’s voice was quivering, but it held no room for dispute. It was a command. “Neal, look at me. Look at me, Neal. Neal, come on. Look at me.”
Neal finally turned his head to look at Peter, but didn’t lower his gun. Peter sighed. Neal looked so lost. Lost, alone, and in pain. He was shaking, his hair messy, and he had tears in his eyes. He was trying to take big breaths and was looking at Peter pleadingly.
Neal’s whole body was begging Peter to stop him.
“Neal, this isn’t you, put the gun down,” Peter coaxed. “This isn’t who you are.”
Neal looked one more time at Adler and lowered the gun. He walked away and gave it to Peter while the rest of the agents moved in and Diana cuffed him.
* * * *
Everything was different after that. Dinner with the Burkes had never been that hard. It had been two days after the last fiasco, and Neal was still in trouble with Peter. He didn’t really know how Peter had gotten him out of trouble with the FBI. He didn’t even want to know. The only thing that really mattered was that Adler was free again. They had nothing to hold him. He was gone.
Peter wasn’t talking to him. Not really. Neal could sense that he was still very much angry at him for everything that had happened. He could sense it in the way his shoulders were so straight, his jaw completely tense, when he was around him. Neal had tried hard all day, he told jokes, washed dishes, did his chores, stayed grounded in his room… but nothing seemed to help. Neal briefly wondered if going back to Juvie was something Peter would consider, but Elizabeth had assured him that it wasn’t.
Peter was angry. Neal didn't listen to him, he told him not to do anything stupid. He could have died! He almost killed someone! Peter didn’t even want to envision what that would’ve done to Neal. He’d had to work hard to keep Neal out of prison, and that was only thanks to the cooperation of all the agents present at the scene that day. His efforts wouldn’t have mattered if Adler had decided to press charges against Neal, but he hadn’t.
Neal gave Peter a disconsolate look after he excused himself from the table and the man hardly acknowledged him. Elizabeth suggested a walk with Satchmo to clear their minds and after taking the dishes to the kitchen, they left everything in the dish washer and went out. Elizabeth hadn’t judged or admonished Neal, but her disappointment was almost palpable.
“El, I’ve never lied to Peter,” Neal tried to explain, a couple of houses down the block. He needed El to understand, to tell him it was alright and that Peter would forgive him somehow.
“You did leave things out. You conned and stole. You could have done something unforgivable, Neal.” Elizabeth and Satchmo walked beside him in the sidewalk. She was agonizingly direct.
Neal’s voice took a pleading tone. “You don’t understand. I had to stop this before anyone else got hurt.”
“Neal, Peter really wants to trust you, but you keep giving him reasons not to.”
“I didn’t think it through. I didn’t think…” Neal stopped and took Elizabeth’s hand, the one not holding to Satchmo’s leash. “Elizabeth, I’m sorry.”
El smiled. “Honey, you don’t have to apologize to me. I know you’re sorry.” She sighed as Neal let go of her and then continued walking. “Peter likes things to be straightforward. Have you apologized?”
“I don’t know if I should. I know he’s never trusted me.” There wasn’t really a reason why he’d trust an apology.
“Do it, honey. You need to make this right.”
Neal gave her an uncertain smile and they walked quietly around the block and back.
Later that night Neal got up to go to the bathroom and saw the light still on downstairs. He made his way down and found Peter on the dining room going over a pile of files. He was just like he’d left him three hours ago.
“Peter?” Neal asked, his voice almost a whisper.
“Hmmm?” Peter didn’t look up from the files on the desk. Neal could see his shoulders tensing.
This was hard, but Neal had to say something to make this right. Did Peter think he didn’t care about everything he’d done for him?
“I know I complicated your life -” Neal started.
“Stop,” Peter raised a hand and met his eyes for the first time in two days. Neal stood barefoot in stripped pajama bottoms and an old college t-shirt of Peter’s. His hair was messy and he had an eager puppy look on his face. His shoulders relaxed and he let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He wasn’t really angry anymore, at least not at Neal. “Don’t say anything else, kid,” he said.
Neal stopped short. He had his whole speech prepared, but he guessed he could go for a simple classic approach. “Can I just say thank you?”
“I told them the truth,” Peter replied, knowing he meant getting him out of trouble again.
“But you didn’t tell them everything,” Neal pressed.
Peter shrugged it off, like it was something that didn’t matter anymore.
“Thank you for… stopping me, as well. I… I know what this opportunity means. Trust me. I won’t let you down again.”
Peter’s voice turned serious again. “You almost killed a man.” He paused, letting his words sink in.
“I know.” Neal’s voice was filled with emotion. Regret. Remorse.
Peter closed the folders, turned off the light, and headed for the stairs. “Come on Neal, lets get some sleep.”
* * * *
It took a week for Peter to finally unwind. Peter sat down in his patio beside Elizabeth. It was a chilly night, and Elizabeth had placed a dozen lit candles all around the patio. He sat down and reached over to take her hand in his. He squeezed it and let it go.
“I still don’t understand this connection I have with him,” Peter admitted. “I covered everything up, and I would do it again to keep him safe,” he said incredulously.
“Honey…” El looked at him lovingly. This was part of why she loved him so much.
“We are complete opposites El, like…shadow and light. He’s a criminal and I’m the law…. I… I just care about him. I can’t understand how I can feel so strongly about this kid,” Peter said disconcerted.
“Well, I know why,” El replied confidently. “You two are so alike. There’s a lot of Neal in you; the part that enjoys the rush, the con, the game, the deceiving, and the winning. There’s a large part of you in Neal too… Neal yearns to have those things that make you who you are. He wants to have a home, friends, and family. He wants to be loved. It just hasn’t been easy for him. It still isn’t.”
“I think I know that. I see it. I know he can change - has changed, but I still can’t help but wonder what he’s gonna do next. I’m not sure if the lying and manipulating will ever stop.”
“You’ll just have to trust for the best. Believe in him, he’ll change.”
Peter looked at her lovingly. How had he ever gotten so lucky?
* * * *
Adler contacted Neal the next week. He asked him to meet him the next day, and Neal had agreed. He deliberated on whether he should tell Peter or not, but decided against it, for the same reasons as before.
Peter had seen Neal act strange all morning, there had been break at school, and he'd taken him to the office to help around . He was quiet and subdued and all around too well behaved for his liking. It was worrisome. He saw Neal get up nonchalantly from his desk at lunch time and didn’t even think about it. He grabbed his coat and followed him. He would be there for him this time.
Neal got to the Vanderbilt Gate in the Conservatory Garden, and waited for the call. He got it, and looked up to see a limo there, with the door opened. Peter hurried to stop him.
“Neal!” he shouted as he grabbed him by the shoulder. “What are you doing?”
Neal turned around startled. He’d been so focused on what Adler wanted that he’d actually missed Peter following him. He wasn’t supposed to be here.
“Go away Peter. This is something I have to do myself. After this, you and Elizabeth get to have a normal life. It’s what’s best for everyone.”
“What about you? What happens to you?” Peter asked him.
Neal shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”
Peter looked at him with disbelief. “Don’t do this, Neal. I’ll go with you,” he offered.
Neal looked at him fondly. “Peter, you don’t have to do this. I know that I keep messing things up… that I’ve let you down. This is my chance to make things right.”
Peter tried to think what to do. A man had stepped out of the limo and was waiting for them to go inside. He wondered for a second if he’d had time to create a diversion and get Neal to escape. Maybe he could somehow contact his team, but there was no time. Peter held on desperately to Neal’s arm, not wanting to let him go. “You’re not alone. Not anymore, not ever again. I’m going with you.”
Neal finally nodded and they both made their way to the limo and got in.
Peter wasn’t sure of what had happened afterwards. He had woken up in brightly lit white room beside a still unconscious Neal and a young woman his muddled brain had taken a few seconds to identify as Alex Hunter, one of Neal’s old associates.
The talk on the limo had been brief. Adler had been a son of a bitch and Neal had been impulsive and naïve once more. Peter remembered deactivating Neal’s anklet and then he’d seen how Neal had taken a drink of whatever drug they’d given him. He had followed suit. At least now they knew what the code to the music box lead to. It was a sunken Nazi U-Boat, filled with priceless art and treasure. Adler had wanted Alex for her information and Neal for his skills. He wanted people that he could manipulate and dump at his will.
Shortly after Neal woke up, Adler walked into the room and took them all to the sub. It was impressive. There were explosives in the doors and Adler had made Neal take Peter to help him open it. Peter was glad. He didn’t want to let Neal out of his sight.
The problem was Neal wasn’t sure he’d be able to open it. No, he was sure he would open it, he just didn’t want to anymore. Not with Alex and Peter as hostages. As soon as it was opened, they would all be dead.
He walked to the base of the sub but stopped and turned around.
“What are you doing, Neal?” Adler asked derisively.
Neal responded decisively, “I’m not doing this.”
“Did you suddenly forget who has the guns?” Adler raised his gun and showed it to him mockingly.
“No, but I’m not doing this until you let Alex and Peter go.”
Adler laughed emphatically, like Neal had just told a long forgotten joke. “There's nothing sadder than a con man conning himself. Come on, Neal.” He made his way downstairs and walked to stand beside Peter.
“You really are something else, my boy. You have to learn that there are things in life that are not up for negotiation.” He lifted his gun before either of them could do anything, and hit Peter on the back of his head. Peter collapsed on the ground, but before Neal could even take a step towards him, Adler grabbed Peter by the collar and pushed his gun at his blood covered head.
“Hey, Peter, Peter…” he taunted happily. “Wakey wakey Peter.” Peter opened his eyes slowly, but didn’t say anything. Neal was relieved to see that he was okay. Disoriented and hurt, but okay.
“Get on with it Neal. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s death. You really are a death magnet, aren’t you?”
Neal shook his head and tried to shut his words out. Of course he was right, and Peter didn’t have to pay for this. Not Peter. He grabbed the tools, climbed the U-boat and started working on the hatch. He removed the panel and cut the right cables. Breathing heavily, he begged that a panic attack wouldn’t hit him, and took long deep breaths. He figured out the password of the enigma and opened it. He looked over to see that Peter was slumped against a wall, and was being held at gunpoint by one of Adler’s henchmen. Adler himself was smiling and going up to see the treasure inside.
* * * *
Peter couldn’t believe this was happening. Adler was going to kill Neal. Somehow, Neal had gotten the sub open and suddenly, they weren’t needed anymore. He got up and took advantage of a moments gaze of his guard in the other direction. He disarmed him and knocked him down easily. He shifted and ran towards Neal and Adler. The man had his gun pointed straight at Neal and was apparently saying goodbye.
Peter raised his gun, took aim, and his bullet hit Adler right on the chest. Even through the haze in his mind, he had no doubt that Adler was dead. He hurried over to check on Neal. The boy was shaking, and he could sense the fear emanating from him. Neal had dropped to his knees unable to turn his gaze away from the body in front of him. Peter turned him around and was about to gather him in his arms when he heard another shot followed by unbearable pain in his shoulder.
Neal finally reacted. He grabbed Peter by his arms, but couldn’t hold on to him. Peter was slumping forward, and the weight was too much. He lowered him as gently as possible to his back and stared at him. Blood was oozing from the bullet wound on Peter’s shoulder and a small pool was already gathering around him on the ground.
He had to do something. Damn it, do something Neal. Do something. He could feel the panic building, but he couldn’t panic, not right now, not with Peter bleeding. He pushed as hard as he could into the wound and saw Peter’s eyes flutter open and gasp. Neal's mind didn’t even register the commotion and shouts around him.
Jones was there. He was telling him something. “No!” Neal shouted hysterically when someone tried to move him. “God, no… I can’t. I can’t do this again…” His voice was filled with such anguish that it was painful to hear.
“I can’t… I can’t… can’t…” Neal mumbled incoherently. His eyes were clouded. Peter. Please God, not Peter… not Peter… not Peter… His heart was pounding so fast, his chest hurt.
Peter raised his uninjured hand and cupped Neal's cheek carefully, making him look at him. “Hey… buddy,” his words were tender, but filled with pain. “It’s okay…”
“Peter…” Neal choked out, his tears spilling everywhere.
Then, somebody grabbed him from behind and there were people everywhere. He registered Jones’ voice and he watched transfixed as the EMTs worked on Peter and then took him away.
Someone - Jones - covered him with a thick blanket and wiped the blood of his hands. Neal found himself inside a car, driving somewhere. He closed his eyes and let the darkness claim him.
* * * *
Jones paced around the hospital waiting room. Peter had been taken to surgery as soon as he was brought in, and after he’d woken, Neal had excused himself to go to the bathroom. He’d cleaned himself up and was now sitting calmly in a chair by the door. No crying, no nothing really. Was he in shock? Jones didn’t even know what to make of it. He turned around once more and relief flooded his body when he saw Elizabeth Burke making her way towards them. He met her outside the door.
Elizabeth grabbed his arm. “Clinton, how is he?”
“He’s in surgery. I don’t really know anything else, just that it was a clean shot, it didn’t hit anything important. That’s what the EMTs said.”
She nodded and then turned towards the boy sitting inside the room. She made her way over, dropped her bag on the chair beside him, knelt down before him, and gathered him in his arms. He was surprisingly pliant.
“Neal.” Her voice held so much emotion that Jones was glad that there wasn’t anyone else in the room. He exited the room, leaving them alone.
Neal turned around and hugged her back before letting go. His eyes had something strange in them, and he smiled at her. “Hi Elizabeth.”
She got up from the floor and sat down beside him, keeping hold of his hand. “Are you okay honey?” She asked worriedly. Diana had called and explained everything that had happened.
Neal gave her another smile. It was a twisted smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and it made Elizabeth’s stomach churn. He nodded vigorously and pressed her hand. “Sure.”
Elizabeth didn’t say anything else. Neal didn’t appear to be registering what was happening anyway. So, they sat like that, holding hands, for nearly two hours before Neal’s hand finally started shaking.
He couldn’t ignore the thought anymore. He knew it. He’d said so to Mozzie. He’d tried to explain so many times before. This is my fault, Neal thought. He could feel himself starting to shake. I'm bad. Bad things happen when I’m around. He started rocking back and forth trying to ease the anxiety. I could have killed Peter. Peter could be dead. Maybe Peter is dying right now… I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person…
“Neal?” Elizabeth asked in a worried tone when the rocking began.
The words slipped out before he could even register them. “I’m a bad person.”
Elizabeth gasped and she raised his chin, making him look at her. “Neal, that’s not true. This wasn’t your fault.”
Neal laughed and shrugged. “That’s just who I am. I hurt people.”
“No.” Elizabeth’s voice was strong and unyielding. “No, Neal. You didn’t shoot Peter. You didn’t hurt him.”
Neal just smiled.
God, what was going through his mind? Elizabeth’s heart twisted in pain as she finally understood and the epiphany hit her. She got it now, his rule against touching, she got it and she looked at him horrified. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to get hurt. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to let anyone in, like Peter had suggested. It was much worse, somewhere along the last few years, Neal had somehow rationalized that bad things happened around him, that bad things happened because of him. He didn’t want people touching him, because he didn’t want to hurt anyone.
“Neal, you have to understand,” her voice was pleading now. “This wasn’t your fault. None of it has ever been your fault. Neal?”
Neal swallowed and looked the other way. Peter could have died. Peter was one more victim now. Kate. Mozzie. Alex. His mom, and probably even his dad. Everyone that had ever meant something to him had died or gotten hurt. Who was the common denominator? Neal Caffrey, that’s who. Bad things happened around him. He had long learned to accept that, even if Elizabeth couldn’t see it.
“Neal,” she started, but was interrupted when a woman walked into the room and asked for her. She reluctantly let go of Neal and was informed by the doctor that Peter was alright and that she could see him in his room, although he was still asleep. Jones’ came in and offered to take care of Neal. She thanked him and followed a nurse to her husband’s room.
Peter looked pale. He had bandages around his torso and right shoulder and an IV line in his other arm, but otherwise he looked okay. She gave a silent prayer and crossed the room to sit on the chair beside his bed. She needed Peter, now more than ever. They needed Peter. God, Neal… how had they missed that before? How many years had he carried that burden inside? Neal, who was so charming, so smart, so confident… so young… how could he even think that?
She started stroking Peter’s hair when she noticed a small bandage in the back of his head. She grabbed his hand instead and finally started crying.
Twenty minutes later, the hand moved, and her name was called by a raspy voice. “El?”
“Hi hon,” she said with a smile, hastily wiping her tears.
“Hey hon,” Peter closed his eyes but opened them a second later in alarm. “Neal?” he asked.
“He’s fine,” Elizabeth responded, but she couldn’t keep anything from Peter.
“El?”
“He’s umm… he’s blaming himself,” she answered.
Peter wanted to say something, but it was too much. He closed his eyes.
The next time he woke up, Elizabeth was there again. She smiled and held his hand once more and he noticed Neal sleeping on another chair in the corner of the room. He was much more lucid, and after a quick exam by a nurse, Elizabeth finally revealed to him what she had discovered from Neal. Peter sighed and closed his eyes. He couldn’t even begin to phantom what Neal must go through every day.
Neal had been wrong, he had done something stupid once more, but Peter had been there this time. Although he didn’t take any pleasure in what he had done, the relief filled him completely when he remembered that Adler was gone, and that meant that Neal could finally start a new life. As soon as he got him to talk… What Elizabeth had said scared him. It wasn’t a time for secrets anymore.
The fourth time Peter woke up he was alone with Neal. The teenager was sitting in the chair beside his bed, looking at him absently.
“Hey, buddy,” Peter said, his voice calm and steady.
Neal’s eyes shot up. “Peter?”
“Hey, Neal, what’s up?” he asked.
That made Neal smile. “Nothing much, just, you know, tired of waiting for you to wake up properly. Geez, you would think enough sleep was enough.”
Peter laughed, but it died a moment later.
“Neal, you’re not bad.”
The boy locked eyes with him, but Peter could see him shaking his head slightly.
“You are not bad,” he said, emphasizing every word. “This wasn’t your fault, you’re just a kid. People make mistakes. I’m alright.” He paused, and repeated, “You are not bad.”
“Okay.” Neal whispered the word. He wanted to believe. He needed to believe, but wasn’t all the evidence against it?
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Peter pressed. “I got hurt, Mozzie got hurt… Kate, she died, but none of it, none of it, was your fault. In any way, none of it was your fault.”
Neal’s eyes filled with tears. God, why couldn’t he stop crying lately? He wiped the tears. Peter wouldn’t lie to him, right? Peter would never… He hesitated before speaking, he’d never told anyone before, but he could tell Peter. Maybe Peter would see it then.
“My mom…” His words caught in his throat. “I was there, when it happened.”
Peter lifted himself up on the bed and he regarded Neal with dismay. He’d read the file. Neal’s mom had been mugged one night after she was coming back from work. She had been assaulted, shot, and had bled to death in the street. Neal had been eleven. Nowhere in the file had it ever mentioned that Neal had been there. Had he seen his mother die?
Neal was talking again. Every word sounded more painful that the one before and Peter felt his own eyes filling with tears.
“She… she worked a lot. My dad had left her completely alone with a baby, and there were bills to pay. I was alone most of the time, but she was a good mom, you know?”
Peter nodded.
“We used to have dinner in the Diner where she worked once a week and then we’d walk home together.” He paused, trying to find the right words, but there were none.
“This guy came out of nowhere. He held up a gun. My mom gave up her purse, and he was about to leave, when I stepped forward and I guess he panicked. He… shot her. He shot her and ran, and I was left alone in a street, in the middle of the night, with my mom bleeding to death.”
Neal’s whole body was shaking, he couldn’t even see through his tears.
Peter reached over ignoring the pain from his shoulder. “Neal, I’m so sorry.”
“I just stood there!” Neal exclaimed. “I stood there, and watched her die. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t call for help. I didn’t help her.”
“God Neal, you were just a boy. What could you have done?” There was a catch in Peter’s voice, and Neal noticed for the first time that Peter was crying too.
“I don’t know...” Neal trailed off. “If I hadn’t stepped forward, or if I just hadn’t been there in the first place, my mom would still be alive. Everyone else would still be okay. You wouldn’t be in the hospital.”
Peter’s heart couldn’t stand this anymore. “No, Neal. No.” He grabbed him and hugged him, his muscles protesting. Neal hugged him back.
“Some things happen, and we don’t have any control over them. What happened to you, it was horrible, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You did not make any of it happen. Neal, you’re not bad.”
Neal sobbed and shook. He cried while Peter held him. Peter rocked him and whispered reassuring nonsense in his ear. He cried until his body felt light and his face hurt, and then he fell asleep on the chair holding Peter’s hand.
Previous Part Next Part Master Post
Author:
iamhere23
Rating: PG-13
Characters and/or Pairing: teen!Neal, Peter, Elizabeth, Mozzie, Adler, Diana, Jones
Word count: this part ~ 5500
Spoilers: all three seasons
Warnings: violence, abandonment issues,
All mistakes are my own.
PART 7
She hated this part. The waiting and looking for something that probably wasn’t even there. She looked at the feed and suddenly straightened up in her chair. Diana stared attentively at something in the monitor. It couldn’t be. She looked closer.
It was.
Neal was there, and he’d just slipped through security after creating a distraction at the door. Why would Neal be here of all places?
She grabbed her phone and spoke hurriedly. “Boss, you’re not gonna like this.”
“What is it?” Peter asked in an annoyed voice. He was already inside the Consulate. It was crowded and he hated things like this. The Russians claimed to have anonymously received an amber music box from Catherine The Great’s Amber Room in St. Petersburg. It was supposed to be priceless. The FBI had good reasons to believe that Adler had something to do with the whole thing. Did he have it before? If so, why give it back? If he didn’t have it before, then they had plenty of evidence to sugest that he'd be there to steal it.
Diana’s voice sounded urgent. “Caffrey just walked inside.”
“Neal’s here?” Peter asked, turning his body around trying to look for him. He stopped when he spotted Adler making his way upstairs.
“Yes. Should I go in after him?” Diana asked, already getting out of the car.
“Diana, make sure he doesn’t get anywhere near Adler.” Peter turned off his phone and followed the men upstairs, but was stopped by one of the Consulate’s guards.
Neal had already made his way upstairs on the other side. He’d seen Adler as soon as he’d come inside. He heard Peter’s voice arguing with a guard downstairs, and he hurried and slipped into the room he’d seen Adler go in, locking it behind him.
Diana was beside Peter, gesticulating and all but bashing her badge in the guard’s face. Peter stepped away and fumbled with his phone and answered. “Suit, we have a code red.”
Peter cursed. He did not need this right now. “Now is not the time, Mozzie.”
He made his way upstairs with Diana beside him.
“It’s a dark day when I turn towards the system instead of recoiling,” Mozzie said.
“Just spit it out!” Peter yelled.
“Remember when you asked me to tell you if Neal was gonna do something stupid? Well, I regretfully report that he’s out of his anklet.”
“Damn it.” Peter knew that already. He was here, somewhere, he was here without an anklet doing something stupid.
“But that’s not the stupid part.” Mozzie paused for a second. “He’s got a gun.”
They heard a gunshot from the room at the end of the corridor, and Peter thought his heart must have stopped. Neal. He shoved the phone into his pants and drew his gun. They reached the door and tried to open it, but it was jammed. He could hear voices behind the door. Neal was in there, with a gun. He slammed his shoulder against the door frantically trying to get it open.
“Neal!” Peter called desperately. “Neal!”
* * * *
Neal was shaking. His whole body was shaking. His eyes were wide open, shinning and red. He had to blink a lot, blink just so the tears he could feel gathering wouldn’t spill in front of the man he hated. He opened his mouth to take a calming breath.
He’d just fired Peter’s gun. It blasted a hole on the wall, right beside Adler’s head. They were alone in the room, but he had to do this fast. They were pounding on the door. Someone. Peter.
“Tell me why you killed Kate.” He hated the sound of his voice. It was filled with hatred and fear. He was sure Adler sensed it as well.
“What are you doing Neal? I thought violence wasn’t really your thing.” Vincent Adler was cool and collected as always. He held his hands up in the air.
“You killed her. You almost killed Mozzie. You got Alex. Tell me one reason why I shouldn’t put a bullet in your brain right now,” Neal spitted out.
“Neal, you all knew what you were getting into. You were cheap investments, easy to manipulate, and no one would miss any of you when time came to dispose of your services.” Adler lowered his arms and laughed. “I needed to set an example with Kate. Mozzie got what he deserved, and Alex had the key to the music box. Remember that small misunderstanding I had with the Russians a couple of years ago? Well, they wanted it, and I only wanted the code inside, hence this gala…”
“Shut up Adler. Just shut up. What do you want from us, from me?” Neal pointed the gun at him.
“I need one more job from you-,” Suddenly the door finally burst open, and Peter, Diana and half a dozen FBI agents waltzed into the room.
Neal glanced sideways and raised his gun again. He pointed it straight at Adler and tried to ignore the rest of the people. He had to end this now. Just a small squeeze and it would all be over. They would all be safe. He’d get the son of bitch that had killed Kate and hurt his friends. He hated him.
Peter was there. He was talking to him. Neal tried to ignore him and focus on shooting Adler, but he couldn’t. It was Peter.
“Neal,” Peter said carefully. He had felt relieved for a second after coming in. He felt relieved that Neal wasn’t shot and bleeding to death like his twisted mind had imagined. The relief didn’t last long. Not after looking at the teenager before him, gun in his hand, ready to kill someone. Neal, who would never hurt anyone, was going to kill the man before him, and he instantly wished he himself could kill Adler for making Neal this desperate.
“Neal. Neal, look at me.” He lowered his gun and tried to get closer to him. “Neal, look at me.”
“He killed Kate,” Neal said painfully. “I’ll kill him, for hurting Mozzie and Alex… He killed Kate.” He stepped closer to Adler and never broke eye contact with the man he was about to shoot. “I want him to hurt. I want him to know how she felt,” Neal’s voice broke.
“We’ll stop him, but not like this. Never like this. Trust me.” Peter willed his voice to sound confident and reassuring.
“A conman never trusts, Neal. I taught you that,” Adler said in a calm voice.
Peter wanted to strangle the man. “For God’s sake, shut up Adler. You’re not helping.” He addressed the boy again. “Neal, you’re not a conman; you’re not even a man. You’re a fifteen year old kid.”
Neal was shaking again, this wasn’t working. “Neal!” Peter’s voice was quivering, but it held no room for dispute. It was a command. “Neal, look at me. Look at me, Neal. Neal, come on. Look at me.”
Neal finally turned his head to look at Peter, but didn’t lower his gun. Peter sighed. Neal looked so lost. Lost, alone, and in pain. He was shaking, his hair messy, and he had tears in his eyes. He was trying to take big breaths and was looking at Peter pleadingly.
Neal’s whole body was begging Peter to stop him.
“Neal, this isn’t you, put the gun down,” Peter coaxed. “This isn’t who you are.”
Neal looked one more time at Adler and lowered the gun. He walked away and gave it to Peter while the rest of the agents moved in and Diana cuffed him.
* * * *
Everything was different after that. Dinner with the Burkes had never been that hard. It had been two days after the last fiasco, and Neal was still in trouble with Peter. He didn’t really know how Peter had gotten him out of trouble with the FBI. He didn’t even want to know. The only thing that really mattered was that Adler was free again. They had nothing to hold him. He was gone.
Peter wasn’t talking to him. Not really. Neal could sense that he was still very much angry at him for everything that had happened. He could sense it in the way his shoulders were so straight, his jaw completely tense, when he was around him. Neal had tried hard all day, he told jokes, washed dishes, did his chores, stayed grounded in his room… but nothing seemed to help. Neal briefly wondered if going back to Juvie was something Peter would consider, but Elizabeth had assured him that it wasn’t.
Peter was angry. Neal didn't listen to him, he told him not to do anything stupid. He could have died! He almost killed someone! Peter didn’t even want to envision what that would’ve done to Neal. He’d had to work hard to keep Neal out of prison, and that was only thanks to the cooperation of all the agents present at the scene that day. His efforts wouldn’t have mattered if Adler had decided to press charges against Neal, but he hadn’t.
Neal gave Peter a disconsolate look after he excused himself from the table and the man hardly acknowledged him. Elizabeth suggested a walk with Satchmo to clear their minds and after taking the dishes to the kitchen, they left everything in the dish washer and went out. Elizabeth hadn’t judged or admonished Neal, but her disappointment was almost palpable.
“El, I’ve never lied to Peter,” Neal tried to explain, a couple of houses down the block. He needed El to understand, to tell him it was alright and that Peter would forgive him somehow.
“You did leave things out. You conned and stole. You could have done something unforgivable, Neal.” Elizabeth and Satchmo walked beside him in the sidewalk. She was agonizingly direct.
Neal’s voice took a pleading tone. “You don’t understand. I had to stop this before anyone else got hurt.”
“Neal, Peter really wants to trust you, but you keep giving him reasons not to.”
“I didn’t think it through. I didn’t think…” Neal stopped and took Elizabeth’s hand, the one not holding to Satchmo’s leash. “Elizabeth, I’m sorry.”
El smiled. “Honey, you don’t have to apologize to me. I know you’re sorry.” She sighed as Neal let go of her and then continued walking. “Peter likes things to be straightforward. Have you apologized?”
“I don’t know if I should. I know he’s never trusted me.” There wasn’t really a reason why he’d trust an apology.
“Do it, honey. You need to make this right.”
Neal gave her an uncertain smile and they walked quietly around the block and back.
Later that night Neal got up to go to the bathroom and saw the light still on downstairs. He made his way down and found Peter on the dining room going over a pile of files. He was just like he’d left him three hours ago.
“Peter?” Neal asked, his voice almost a whisper.
“Hmmm?” Peter didn’t look up from the files on the desk. Neal could see his shoulders tensing.
This was hard, but Neal had to say something to make this right. Did Peter think he didn’t care about everything he’d done for him?
“I know I complicated your life -” Neal started.
“Stop,” Peter raised a hand and met his eyes for the first time in two days. Neal stood barefoot in stripped pajama bottoms and an old college t-shirt of Peter’s. His hair was messy and he had an eager puppy look on his face. His shoulders relaxed and he let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He wasn’t really angry anymore, at least not at Neal. “Don’t say anything else, kid,” he said.
Neal stopped short. He had his whole speech prepared, but he guessed he could go for a simple classic approach. “Can I just say thank you?”
“I told them the truth,” Peter replied, knowing he meant getting him out of trouble again.
“But you didn’t tell them everything,” Neal pressed.
Peter shrugged it off, like it was something that didn’t matter anymore.
“Thank you for… stopping me, as well. I… I know what this opportunity means. Trust me. I won’t let you down again.”
Peter’s voice turned serious again. “You almost killed a man.” He paused, letting his words sink in.
“I know.” Neal’s voice was filled with emotion. Regret. Remorse.
Peter closed the folders, turned off the light, and headed for the stairs. “Come on Neal, lets get some sleep.”
* * * *
It took a week for Peter to finally unwind. Peter sat down in his patio beside Elizabeth. It was a chilly night, and Elizabeth had placed a dozen lit candles all around the patio. He sat down and reached over to take her hand in his. He squeezed it and let it go.
“I still don’t understand this connection I have with him,” Peter admitted. “I covered everything up, and I would do it again to keep him safe,” he said incredulously.
“Honey…” El looked at him lovingly. This was part of why she loved him so much.
“We are complete opposites El, like…shadow and light. He’s a criminal and I’m the law…. I… I just care about him. I can’t understand how I can feel so strongly about this kid,” Peter said disconcerted.
“Well, I know why,” El replied confidently. “You two are so alike. There’s a lot of Neal in you; the part that enjoys the rush, the con, the game, the deceiving, and the winning. There’s a large part of you in Neal too… Neal yearns to have those things that make you who you are. He wants to have a home, friends, and family. He wants to be loved. It just hasn’t been easy for him. It still isn’t.”
“I think I know that. I see it. I know he can change - has changed, but I still can’t help but wonder what he’s gonna do next. I’m not sure if the lying and manipulating will ever stop.”
“You’ll just have to trust for the best. Believe in him, he’ll change.”
Peter looked at her lovingly. How had he ever gotten so lucky?
* * * *
Adler contacted Neal the next week. He asked him to meet him the next day, and Neal had agreed. He deliberated on whether he should tell Peter or not, but decided against it, for the same reasons as before.
Peter had seen Neal act strange all morning, there had been break at school, and he'd taken him to the office to help around . He was quiet and subdued and all around too well behaved for his liking. It was worrisome. He saw Neal get up nonchalantly from his desk at lunch time and didn’t even think about it. He grabbed his coat and followed him. He would be there for him this time.
Neal got to the Vanderbilt Gate in the Conservatory Garden, and waited for the call. He got it, and looked up to see a limo there, with the door opened. Peter hurried to stop him.
“Neal!” he shouted as he grabbed him by the shoulder. “What are you doing?”
Neal turned around startled. He’d been so focused on what Adler wanted that he’d actually missed Peter following him. He wasn’t supposed to be here.
“Go away Peter. This is something I have to do myself. After this, you and Elizabeth get to have a normal life. It’s what’s best for everyone.”
“What about you? What happens to you?” Peter asked him.
Neal shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”
Peter looked at him with disbelief. “Don’t do this, Neal. I’ll go with you,” he offered.
Neal looked at him fondly. “Peter, you don’t have to do this. I know that I keep messing things up… that I’ve let you down. This is my chance to make things right.”
Peter tried to think what to do. A man had stepped out of the limo and was waiting for them to go inside. He wondered for a second if he’d had time to create a diversion and get Neal to escape. Maybe he could somehow contact his team, but there was no time. Peter held on desperately to Neal’s arm, not wanting to let him go. “You’re not alone. Not anymore, not ever again. I’m going with you.”
Neal finally nodded and they both made their way to the limo and got in.
Peter wasn’t sure of what had happened afterwards. He had woken up in brightly lit white room beside a still unconscious Neal and a young woman his muddled brain had taken a few seconds to identify as Alex Hunter, one of Neal’s old associates.
The talk on the limo had been brief. Adler had been a son of a bitch and Neal had been impulsive and naïve once more. Peter remembered deactivating Neal’s anklet and then he’d seen how Neal had taken a drink of whatever drug they’d given him. He had followed suit. At least now they knew what the code to the music box lead to. It was a sunken Nazi U-Boat, filled with priceless art and treasure. Adler had wanted Alex for her information and Neal for his skills. He wanted people that he could manipulate and dump at his will.
Shortly after Neal woke up, Adler walked into the room and took them all to the sub. It was impressive. There were explosives in the doors and Adler had made Neal take Peter to help him open it. Peter was glad. He didn’t want to let Neal out of his sight.
The problem was Neal wasn’t sure he’d be able to open it. No, he was sure he would open it, he just didn’t want to anymore. Not with Alex and Peter as hostages. As soon as it was opened, they would all be dead.
He walked to the base of the sub but stopped and turned around.
“What are you doing, Neal?” Adler asked derisively.
Neal responded decisively, “I’m not doing this.”
“Did you suddenly forget who has the guns?” Adler raised his gun and showed it to him mockingly.
“No, but I’m not doing this until you let Alex and Peter go.”
Adler laughed emphatically, like Neal had just told a long forgotten joke. “There's nothing sadder than a con man conning himself. Come on, Neal.” He made his way downstairs and walked to stand beside Peter.
“You really are something else, my boy. You have to learn that there are things in life that are not up for negotiation.” He lifted his gun before either of them could do anything, and hit Peter on the back of his head. Peter collapsed on the ground, but before Neal could even take a step towards him, Adler grabbed Peter by the collar and pushed his gun at his blood covered head.
“Hey, Peter, Peter…” he taunted happily. “Wakey wakey Peter.” Peter opened his eyes slowly, but didn’t say anything. Neal was relieved to see that he was okay. Disoriented and hurt, but okay.
“Get on with it Neal. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s death. You really are a death magnet, aren’t you?”
Neal shook his head and tried to shut his words out. Of course he was right, and Peter didn’t have to pay for this. Not Peter. He grabbed the tools, climbed the U-boat and started working on the hatch. He removed the panel and cut the right cables. Breathing heavily, he begged that a panic attack wouldn’t hit him, and took long deep breaths. He figured out the password of the enigma and opened it. He looked over to see that Peter was slumped against a wall, and was being held at gunpoint by one of Adler’s henchmen. Adler himself was smiling and going up to see the treasure inside.
* * * *
Peter couldn’t believe this was happening. Adler was going to kill Neal. Somehow, Neal had gotten the sub open and suddenly, they weren’t needed anymore. He got up and took advantage of a moments gaze of his guard in the other direction. He disarmed him and knocked him down easily. He shifted and ran towards Neal and Adler. The man had his gun pointed straight at Neal and was apparently saying goodbye.
Peter raised his gun, took aim, and his bullet hit Adler right on the chest. Even through the haze in his mind, he had no doubt that Adler was dead. He hurried over to check on Neal. The boy was shaking, and he could sense the fear emanating from him. Neal had dropped to his knees unable to turn his gaze away from the body in front of him. Peter turned him around and was about to gather him in his arms when he heard another shot followed by unbearable pain in his shoulder.
Neal finally reacted. He grabbed Peter by his arms, but couldn’t hold on to him. Peter was slumping forward, and the weight was too much. He lowered him as gently as possible to his back and stared at him. Blood was oozing from the bullet wound on Peter’s shoulder and a small pool was already gathering around him on the ground.
He had to do something. Damn it, do something Neal. Do something. He could feel the panic building, but he couldn’t panic, not right now, not with Peter bleeding. He pushed as hard as he could into the wound and saw Peter’s eyes flutter open and gasp. Neal's mind didn’t even register the commotion and shouts around him.
Jones was there. He was telling him something. “No!” Neal shouted hysterically when someone tried to move him. “God, no… I can’t. I can’t do this again…” His voice was filled with such anguish that it was painful to hear.
“I can’t… I can’t… can’t…” Neal mumbled incoherently. His eyes were clouded. Peter. Please God, not Peter… not Peter… not Peter… His heart was pounding so fast, his chest hurt.
Peter raised his uninjured hand and cupped Neal's cheek carefully, making him look at him. “Hey… buddy,” his words were tender, but filled with pain. “It’s okay…”
“Peter…” Neal choked out, his tears spilling everywhere.
Then, somebody grabbed him from behind and there were people everywhere. He registered Jones’ voice and he watched transfixed as the EMTs worked on Peter and then took him away.
Someone - Jones - covered him with a thick blanket and wiped the blood of his hands. Neal found himself inside a car, driving somewhere. He closed his eyes and let the darkness claim him.
* * * *
Jones paced around the hospital waiting room. Peter had been taken to surgery as soon as he was brought in, and after he’d woken, Neal had excused himself to go to the bathroom. He’d cleaned himself up and was now sitting calmly in a chair by the door. No crying, no nothing really. Was he in shock? Jones didn’t even know what to make of it. He turned around once more and relief flooded his body when he saw Elizabeth Burke making her way towards them. He met her outside the door.
Elizabeth grabbed his arm. “Clinton, how is he?”
“He’s in surgery. I don’t really know anything else, just that it was a clean shot, it didn’t hit anything important. That’s what the EMTs said.”
She nodded and then turned towards the boy sitting inside the room. She made her way over, dropped her bag on the chair beside him, knelt down before him, and gathered him in his arms. He was surprisingly pliant.
“Neal.” Her voice held so much emotion that Jones was glad that there wasn’t anyone else in the room. He exited the room, leaving them alone.
Neal turned around and hugged her back before letting go. His eyes had something strange in them, and he smiled at her. “Hi Elizabeth.”
She got up from the floor and sat down beside him, keeping hold of his hand. “Are you okay honey?” She asked worriedly. Diana had called and explained everything that had happened.
Neal gave her another smile. It was a twisted smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and it made Elizabeth’s stomach churn. He nodded vigorously and pressed her hand. “Sure.”
Elizabeth didn’t say anything else. Neal didn’t appear to be registering what was happening anyway. So, they sat like that, holding hands, for nearly two hours before Neal’s hand finally started shaking.
He couldn’t ignore the thought anymore. He knew it. He’d said so to Mozzie. He’d tried to explain so many times before. This is my fault, Neal thought. He could feel himself starting to shake. I'm bad. Bad things happen when I’m around. He started rocking back and forth trying to ease the anxiety. I could have killed Peter. Peter could be dead. Maybe Peter is dying right now… I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person…
“Neal?” Elizabeth asked in a worried tone when the rocking began.
The words slipped out before he could even register them. “I’m a bad person.”
Elizabeth gasped and she raised his chin, making him look at her. “Neal, that’s not true. This wasn’t your fault.”
Neal laughed and shrugged. “That’s just who I am. I hurt people.”
“No.” Elizabeth’s voice was strong and unyielding. “No, Neal. You didn’t shoot Peter. You didn’t hurt him.”
Neal just smiled.
God, what was going through his mind? Elizabeth’s heart twisted in pain as she finally understood and the epiphany hit her. She got it now, his rule against touching, she got it and she looked at him horrified. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to get hurt. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to let anyone in, like Peter had suggested. It was much worse, somewhere along the last few years, Neal had somehow rationalized that bad things happened around him, that bad things happened because of him. He didn’t want people touching him, because he didn’t want to hurt anyone.
“Neal, you have to understand,” her voice was pleading now. “This wasn’t your fault. None of it has ever been your fault. Neal?”
Neal swallowed and looked the other way. Peter could have died. Peter was one more victim now. Kate. Mozzie. Alex. His mom, and probably even his dad. Everyone that had ever meant something to him had died or gotten hurt. Who was the common denominator? Neal Caffrey, that’s who. Bad things happened around him. He had long learned to accept that, even if Elizabeth couldn’t see it.
“Neal,” she started, but was interrupted when a woman walked into the room and asked for her. She reluctantly let go of Neal and was informed by the doctor that Peter was alright and that she could see him in his room, although he was still asleep. Jones’ came in and offered to take care of Neal. She thanked him and followed a nurse to her husband’s room.
Peter looked pale. He had bandages around his torso and right shoulder and an IV line in his other arm, but otherwise he looked okay. She gave a silent prayer and crossed the room to sit on the chair beside his bed. She needed Peter, now more than ever. They needed Peter. God, Neal… how had they missed that before? How many years had he carried that burden inside? Neal, who was so charming, so smart, so confident… so young… how could he even think that?
She started stroking Peter’s hair when she noticed a small bandage in the back of his head. She grabbed his hand instead and finally started crying.
Twenty minutes later, the hand moved, and her name was called by a raspy voice. “El?”
“Hi hon,” she said with a smile, hastily wiping her tears.
“Hey hon,” Peter closed his eyes but opened them a second later in alarm. “Neal?” he asked.
“He’s fine,” Elizabeth responded, but she couldn’t keep anything from Peter.
“El?”
“He’s umm… he’s blaming himself,” she answered.
Peter wanted to say something, but it was too much. He closed his eyes.
The next time he woke up, Elizabeth was there again. She smiled and held his hand once more and he noticed Neal sleeping on another chair in the corner of the room. He was much more lucid, and after a quick exam by a nurse, Elizabeth finally revealed to him what she had discovered from Neal. Peter sighed and closed his eyes. He couldn’t even begin to phantom what Neal must go through every day.
Neal had been wrong, he had done something stupid once more, but Peter had been there this time. Although he didn’t take any pleasure in what he had done, the relief filled him completely when he remembered that Adler was gone, and that meant that Neal could finally start a new life. As soon as he got him to talk… What Elizabeth had said scared him. It wasn’t a time for secrets anymore.
The fourth time Peter woke up he was alone with Neal. The teenager was sitting in the chair beside his bed, looking at him absently.
“Hey, buddy,” Peter said, his voice calm and steady.
Neal’s eyes shot up. “Peter?”
“Hey, Neal, what’s up?” he asked.
That made Neal smile. “Nothing much, just, you know, tired of waiting for you to wake up properly. Geez, you would think enough sleep was enough.”
Peter laughed, but it died a moment later.
“Neal, you’re not bad.”
The boy locked eyes with him, but Peter could see him shaking his head slightly.
“You are not bad,” he said, emphasizing every word. “This wasn’t your fault, you’re just a kid. People make mistakes. I’m alright.” He paused, and repeated, “You are not bad.”
“Okay.” Neal whispered the word. He wanted to believe. He needed to believe, but wasn’t all the evidence against it?
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Peter pressed. “I got hurt, Mozzie got hurt… Kate, she died, but none of it, none of it, was your fault. In any way, none of it was your fault.”
Neal’s eyes filled with tears. God, why couldn’t he stop crying lately? He wiped the tears. Peter wouldn’t lie to him, right? Peter would never… He hesitated before speaking, he’d never told anyone before, but he could tell Peter. Maybe Peter would see it then.
“My mom…” His words caught in his throat. “I was there, when it happened.”
Peter lifted himself up on the bed and he regarded Neal with dismay. He’d read the file. Neal’s mom had been mugged one night after she was coming back from work. She had been assaulted, shot, and had bled to death in the street. Neal had been eleven. Nowhere in the file had it ever mentioned that Neal had been there. Had he seen his mother die?
Neal was talking again. Every word sounded more painful that the one before and Peter felt his own eyes filling with tears.
“She… she worked a lot. My dad had left her completely alone with a baby, and there were bills to pay. I was alone most of the time, but she was a good mom, you know?”
Peter nodded.
“We used to have dinner in the Diner where she worked once a week and then we’d walk home together.” He paused, trying to find the right words, but there were none.
“This guy came out of nowhere. He held up a gun. My mom gave up her purse, and he was about to leave, when I stepped forward and I guess he panicked. He… shot her. He shot her and ran, and I was left alone in a street, in the middle of the night, with my mom bleeding to death.”
Neal’s whole body was shaking, he couldn’t even see through his tears.
Peter reached over ignoring the pain from his shoulder. “Neal, I’m so sorry.”
“I just stood there!” Neal exclaimed. “I stood there, and watched her die. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t call for help. I didn’t help her.”
“God Neal, you were just a boy. What could you have done?” There was a catch in Peter’s voice, and Neal noticed for the first time that Peter was crying too.
“I don’t know...” Neal trailed off. “If I hadn’t stepped forward, or if I just hadn’t been there in the first place, my mom would still be alive. Everyone else would still be okay. You wouldn’t be in the hospital.”
Peter’s heart couldn’t stand this anymore. “No, Neal. No.” He grabbed him and hugged him, his muscles protesting. Neal hugged him back.
“Some things happen, and we don’t have any control over them. What happened to you, it was horrible, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You did not make any of it happen. Neal, you’re not bad.”
Neal sobbed and shook. He cried while Peter held him. Peter rocked him and whispered reassuring nonsense in his ear. He cried until his body felt light and his face hurt, and then he fell asleep on the chair holding Peter’s hand.
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