feeling
How am I feeling today? Sad, for no good reason. Maybe this isn't sadness, maybe I get my emotions confused. Physically I just feel... tired. I feel crooked. I tried stretching - 10 straight minutes, so far. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it just reminds me of how off I usually feel. I feel as if I'm attempting to hold myself in place, in space and time, with the left side of my body. Shoulder tensed and high, hip stiffened, on the ball of my foot, eye focused hard on nothing. The other side is asleep, along for the ride. When I attempt to have the sides share the load, and "release" myself from my perceived locked-in spot, it's all relief. It feels so good. But it takes such a ridiculous effort, and I'm not sure why. I think it's my vision, or maybe my spine, or maybe my brain from some years of being not-so-kind to myself. Even in my sleep, in my dreams, I can't escape it. And so I wake into this state and attempt to fight my way back to "normal". Maybe it's all the caffeine, too much stimulation. I've cut back, I'll keep cutting back I guess.
On the other hand, I'm in the best physical shape of my life, at least on the outside. I'm hoping the same is true on the inside, but I'm also more stressed than I think I've ever been. It's not overwhelming stress, but it's a steady and constant type of stress. Always on the move, always someplace to be, and in a big fucking hurry too. I'm afraid I've been mean and irritable towards Hanna lately, and that's not fair. I'm always in a state of needing to improve, needing to be better. That used to bug me, but now I realize it's pretty healthy when I can recognize it as such. More of that, I guess.