MINDFUCK
I feel like someone just went balls-deep in my right ear to the point of achieving full penetration and exit through the left ear canal. It's probably gonna take me a few days to sort out all the intellectual semen swirling around in my head. I definitely should not have taken that book in one go.
But what a wonderful experience it was. A nice big hit of that second hand Dark Side perspective. It made me think about a lot of things... but, strangely, reading Nikki Sixx's book about his past made me think more about my future.
"I lived my life being told different stories: some true, some lies, some I still don't know which is which. "
I tend to take things at face value way too often. I know why- it's because that's how I live my life. What you see in my face, or hear in my voice, (if you know me well enough to be reading this) is the real me. But when I trust someone, when I trust their opinion, I pretty much take their word as scripture. But just because I trust someone, doesn't mean that what they would do in my place is the right thing for me. I need to take my friends' advice with a grain of salt, not with doubt, but with the understanding that we may not share the same perspectives and values. I think Karly is the only one in my life who understands the Dark places I've been to, but we have very different personalities. Teev and I think in a very similar fashion- but as of yet he is still leading a sheltered existence, partly of his own choosing. I'm not critcizing him by any means- he just hasn't seen the Dark Side of people like I have. Maybe he's smarter than I am when it comes to getting into bad situations, or maybe he's more afraid. I think we may very well find the answer in Wyoming.
My Aunt Michelle, on my mothers side, told me something once: that I "roll with the punches" better than anyone she's seen. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get or how deep I sink into frustration, anger, depression, I can and I will always pull out of it. It's rarely easy, but I will find happiness in my life. No one and no thing can take that from me.
"I ran with the only info I was given. I turned it into my armor, my defense mechanism, my weapon of self-destruction."
This is what the army has become for me. A situation I can't just walk away from. A problem I couldn't solve quickly and easily. I've been forced to put on a mask every day I go to work, every time I see some dude from my unit out at a bar, every time I put on a uniform, playing like I'm one of them. Getting out of the military has taken more patience than anything I've ever done- and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
But when I leave, will I be able to leave the social game behind? To stop wearing the mask of the bourgeois? To be my own person like I've wanted ever since Christmas 2005, when Jay and Jessy Martin got me to start thinking for myself again? I need to start over, to relearn how to simply be myself no matter what. It's not going to be an easy habit to break. As much as I don't want to admit it, Liz got me started down that path.
But everyone has to find their own balance in each aspect of their life. I don't want to be an asshole, that's for sure- but there are wayyyy too many people who care more about me than I do about them. People who call me one of their best friends to my face- and inside I laugh this condescending, sardonic laugh at how shallow they are. What claim to such a friendship do they have when they've never even experienced what I would call a "true friendship." If the friendships I share with these people are the best they can do, they suck at life.
At the end of the day, all you have is who you are. Every thing and every one in your life can be taken- but only you control your own personality, your own destiny. Some people get swept up in events in their lives and lose control of their own destiny- I know that's what I let happen when I was trying to be with Liz.
I just need to let go of all the bad shit I've learned from the Army life and start over. Who you are is all you've really got, and as long as you can be happy with that, you're GOLDEN.