Sossity, I No Longer Even Recognize You
I tend to wonder my mind tends to wander sometimes (more oft of late) what universe I've managed to slide into. This is NOT my universe. Well, certainly not the Terra I used to know so well.
I am sure some of it is the wonder of the (cutesy-poo name) "Chem-Head" they tell me will (eventually: 60-180 days) go away and my mental faculties (facilities?) will come back to me. The memory I used to have was all that really made me anything more than a hack programmer or average musician. But, these days, when I reach for something, it's either:
1) Not there (where is it? damnifIknow!);
2) Not what I retrieve (I asked for the name of a program, I retrieved a garbled memory of some person I talked to once five years ago);
3) What was this one? (I seem to have forgotten in the minute it's taken me to typo this);
4) Blank (I have absolutely NO recollection of even discussing the matter - ever);
5) ERROOOR (In bright, flashing, unfriendly letters)
Songs I've played for 30 years, I can do if I rely on muscle memory (i.e. when my fingers aren't numb, they automatically play the chords, or type the keys), but I can't remember the words. I feel like my intelligence has dropped 50 points, maybe more. I feel as if I drop into the world, after someone who looks a lot like me has just left, and taken everything I was talking/thinking/doing with him.
On the good side - no more chemo. Even the oncologist seems to think it's doing more harm than good right now. I'm officially "in remission" (does that mean I have to start this all over again? Or am I still on the same plan as last time?) but, if I want "cure" I get to do 3-4 weeks (well 18) of radiation treatments. What THAT will do to me? I don't know.
I found out, in the process, that the cancer was actually a bit worse than I had originally known. I'm lucky. Very lucky. It's also been with me for a while... that's (at least to me) obvious from what I found out. Still, I get to live, have lost a good deal of my "snoring" problem, and my hair is already starting to grow back. A lot of people have told me I look 10 years younger than I did, and the dark black bags under my eyes have even faded quite a bit... I no longer need assistance carrying them around (wan smile).
But, just who I am, what I have done, and where I am going seems to be escaping me right now. I simply no longer have any idea of what I am doing (sometimes from minute to minute), or what to do. I have a life ahead of me... but I'll still never be able to go back to work...
Eventually, maybe I'll finish the 25 stories I have stored on random computers, in random states of confusion. Maybe, hopefully, I'll finish fixing the things I need to fix. But, what to DO with myself?
I dunno. Hopefully, as my body chemistry goes towards normality (whatever THAT is) I'll gain some perspective. I know I've wasted a LOT of time - most of it spent going nowhere. Slowly. I'm supposed to be patient, and understand that things will get better - physically. I'm actually (in many ways) older than I expected to live. What to do with the second chance at living? How?
Sorry for the train of thought, folks, but I really should do SOMETHING with this chance. And, until I can regain emotional control, mental faculties, physical abilities which SHOULD come back, I feel like I'm not only not going anywhere, but falling further and further behind.
Oh, well... Something has to change - I can only hope for it being better than being as much of a vegetable (rutabaga? nah!) as I've become. I guess I'll be open to suggestions... My dream of being the first human to set foot on Mars just doesn't appear to be likely (wan smile).
I'll work on it. I can't allow myself not to do so.
Later...
I am sure some of it is the wonder of the (cutesy-poo name) "Chem-Head" they tell me will (eventually: 60-180 days) go away and my mental faculties (facilities?) will come back to me. The memory I used to have was all that really made me anything more than a hack programmer or average musician. But, these days, when I reach for something, it's either:
1) Not there (where is it? damnifIknow!);
2) Not what I retrieve (I asked for the name of a program, I retrieved a garbled memory of some person I talked to once five years ago);
3) What was this one? (I seem to have forgotten in the minute it's taken me to typo this);
4) Blank (I have absolutely NO recollection of even discussing the matter - ever);
5) ERROOOR (In bright, flashing, unfriendly letters)
Songs I've played for 30 years, I can do if I rely on muscle memory (i.e. when my fingers aren't numb, they automatically play the chords, or type the keys), but I can't remember the words. I feel like my intelligence has dropped 50 points, maybe more. I feel as if I drop into the world, after someone who looks a lot like me has just left, and taken everything I was talking/thinking/doing with him.
On the good side - no more chemo. Even the oncologist seems to think it's doing more harm than good right now. I'm officially "in remission" (does that mean I have to start this all over again? Or am I still on the same plan as last time?) but, if I want "cure" I get to do 3-4 weeks (well 18) of radiation treatments. What THAT will do to me? I don't know.
I found out, in the process, that the cancer was actually a bit worse than I had originally known. I'm lucky. Very lucky. It's also been with me for a while... that's (at least to me) obvious from what I found out. Still, I get to live, have lost a good deal of my "snoring" problem, and my hair is already starting to grow back. A lot of people have told me I look 10 years younger than I did, and the dark black bags under my eyes have even faded quite a bit... I no longer need assistance carrying them around (wan smile).
But, just who I am, what I have done, and where I am going seems to be escaping me right now. I simply no longer have any idea of what I am doing (sometimes from minute to minute), or what to do. I have a life ahead of me... but I'll still never be able to go back to work...
Eventually, maybe I'll finish the 25 stories I have stored on random computers, in random states of confusion. Maybe, hopefully, I'll finish fixing the things I need to fix. But, what to DO with myself?
I dunno. Hopefully, as my body chemistry goes towards normality (whatever THAT is) I'll gain some perspective. I know I've wasted a LOT of time - most of it spent going nowhere. Slowly. I'm supposed to be patient, and understand that things will get better - physically. I'm actually (in many ways) older than I expected to live. What to do with the second chance at living? How?
Sorry for the train of thought, folks, but I really should do SOMETHING with this chance. And, until I can regain emotional control, mental faculties, physical abilities which SHOULD come back, I feel like I'm not only not going anywhere, but falling further and further behind.
Oh, well... Something has to change - I can only hope for it being better than being as much of a vegetable (rutabaga? nah!) as I've become. I guess I'll be open to suggestions... My dream of being the first human to set foot on Mars just doesn't appear to be likely (wan smile).
I'll work on it. I can't allow myself not to do so.
Later...