...
So uncle Ramoe is apparently going to die soon. I know Im not very close to that side of the family but I have a tloy of very destinct memories of him. I seriously thought his name was uncle rainbow when I was little. SInce I dont see them very much and I am technically not related to all of them by blood I feel like I dont have the right to be sad. But I am sad. Its weird how this makes me think of Grandma Stroessler so much. I havent thought of her in a long time and I was pretty young when she died. They didnt let me go to the funeral. I dont think my mom is going to let me go for his either. Im too far away and I have school and whatever. Death always triggers weird things in my head. Like when Grandpa Anthony died last year especially. All these people need to die though, suffering too much. Thats what I dont understand about religion. How people can do things like watch people suffer horribly but still believe in what they believe in.
This weekend in the baby shower, I have to send the package. The fact that I cant go home for it makes me furious. But there isnt anyhting that I can do so I guess I'll have to deal. I start work tomorrow so I will be able to go home for NT prom which is a few days after the baby is due so I really hope everything happens on time so that I can see my baby sibling and do the prom thing. I am so happy I got the job finally. Or at least I was until this numb feeling kinda came over me. Its like everything in my life is just hollow. I cant feel any real emotions and nothing seems to have purpose. I go home to an empty house (even if my mom is home shes not really there) I do my homework on the rare occasion I have any. I watch TV sometimes. But for the most part when I am watching Tv I stare slightly above it and try and filter out the words and make my own shows. I take a shower...or two. I shower about three times a day now. Its not good for my hair but I like showers because you are completely alone. And I cant cry in the shower. The heat dehydrates me so I cant cry. I like not crying. Then I lay in bed and listen to music. sometimes write. Im writing a story. None of the chapters are connected and I keep changing P.O.V. but I like writing because I can be someone else there. Then I sleep. Sometimes. Usually only for an hour or so now because of the dreams. They are not nightmares anymore. But they are not happy.
I think Im on my down swing.
This weekend in the baby shower, I have to send the package. The fact that I cant go home for it makes me furious. But there isnt anyhting that I can do so I guess I'll have to deal. I start work tomorrow so I will be able to go home for NT prom which is a few days after the baby is due so I really hope everything happens on time so that I can see my baby sibling and do the prom thing. I am so happy I got the job finally. Or at least I was until this numb feeling kinda came over me. Its like everything in my life is just hollow. I cant feel any real emotions and nothing seems to have purpose. I go home to an empty house (even if my mom is home shes not really there) I do my homework on the rare occasion I have any. I watch TV sometimes. But for the most part when I am watching Tv I stare slightly above it and try and filter out the words and make my own shows. I take a shower...or two. I shower about three times a day now. Its not good for my hair but I like showers because you are completely alone. And I cant cry in the shower. The heat dehydrates me so I cant cry. I like not crying. Then I lay in bed and listen to music. sometimes write. Im writing a story. None of the chapters are connected and I keep changing P.O.V. but I like writing because I can be someone else there. Then I sleep. Sometimes. Usually only for an hour or so now because of the dreams. They are not nightmares anymore. But they are not happy.
I think Im on my down swing.