365 Facts: #76 (Food--Alcohol)
Note: This was written 3-18-07.
Like coffee, alcohol isn't a food. But it is something that can be taken into the body, and calories are involved, so I'm going to put it here. I suppose, in a way, it's fitting that I'm putting this on St. Patrick's Day.
If you've known me for any length of time, or if you've seen me at a party, you know that I do not drink. You probably don't know why, though. I have a number of reasons. Number one, I like being in complete control of myself. I'm anal-retentive, and you probably knew that already, and part of my anal-retentiveness involves doing my best to not relinquish control of myself to anyone else. I don't trust people as a general rule. I don't want to take a chance in trusting someone when I'm not fully myself. This is how people get into trouble.
Number two, I dislike the idea of killing off brain cells. Some of you will probably disagree with me on this; I'll get to that later. I learned in about the fifth grade that you only get X amount of brain cells. Once they die, they're gone. That's it. You don't get them back. I believe that brain cells are the only ones that don't regenerate or what have you. Alcohol kills brain cells. (Again, more in a bit.) I like brain cells. Why would I purposely kill my brain cells? So, yeah, I learned this probably twenty years ago and took it to heart. I have never had a drink in my adult life and I'm not planning on changing that.
(Sadly, I can't say I've never had a drink ever. My dad would give me beer when I was a kid...and apparently I really liked it. But we won't speak of this again.)
Number three, I've never seen the point of drinking or getting drunk. Too many people have said that certain alcohols are acquired tastes. You know why they taste bad? Because they're bad for you. Plus, they're empty calories. You're ingesting something that isn't going to do you any good. At least with food you're typically getting some kind of nourishment from it, depending on what you're eating.
(As for food made with alcohol, for the most part I won't eat it. The smell and taste turn me off.)
Now we come to number four. This is the big one, and the main reason for me to avoid alcohol.
I've known, worked with, and been related to a number of alcoholics. I've seen what it's done to friends and family members over a long period of time. I know the destruction it can cause. I also know that it's possible to come back from it, but you really have to hit bottom to see what you're missing. I know most, if not all, of you do drink, and that's fine...say it with me, more in a minute. Perhaps it's because I'm not around most of you a lot, but I don't think most (if any) of you have a problem. This is why I'm comfortable enough to go to parties with you guys; I know what you're like, and I know you're typically responsible, and you're not afraid to stay at a party to sober up.
However, not everyone is like this. I'll start with mom's side of the family. My grandparents are social drinkers--my grandmother much more than my grandfather. The thing is, she's a social person. (No, I don't know how I came from her. But I digress.) If she hosted a gathering, you know wine was involved. As in, when I think of holidays as a child, I think of my grandmother drinking wine. She was never into hard stuff from what I recall, but there was always wine. Always. Mom recently bought a bottle of wine labeled "Bitch" because she thought it was funny. Somehow it came up around Christmastime and we told grandma about it; mom flipped out because she thought her mom would want to drink it. It's not that mom didn't want to share, though I don't think she bought it to drink it; no, it's that she didn't want to have to deal with drunk grandma. My grandmother's pretty animated and loud to begin with; alcohol just magnifies everything. She's not a bad drunk, but it's better to keep her as she is.
My mother's older brother, though, is an alcoholic. He's my uncle whom I forget is actually a pretty cool guy. He's pretty smart and knows a lot about history. However, he wasted a good portion of his life drinking. He's only a year older than my mom but he hasn't accomplished much of anything. That makes me sad. My grandparents divorced about a decade ago, and my uncle was left without a place to live. Until that point, he basically crashed on the couch in their family room. He spent much of his time drinking and didn't really hold onto jobs. He ended up moving in with a woman who assured my grandmother that she'd keep an eye on him and make him pay rent weekly so he wouldn't fall behind or be tempted to spend his money elsewhere. Why did he move in with her? Because she lived next door to his favorite bar. I'm not kidding. Oh, did I mention that my uncle can't drive? He's had so many DUIs that his license was permanently revoked, I believe. Since he did move in with that woman, though, he has improved. She runs a dog grooming shop and he'll help out there, and he has worked as steadily as he could. Because he has to rely on public transportation or be within walking distance of a job, his options are limited, but he finds a way. Because he does so much walking he's in pretty decent shape now. I don't see him very much; I last saw him about a year and a half ago. But I really hope he keeps his life on track. I only wish he was able to do it years ago.
Dad's side of the family hasn't fared any better. One of his brothers is also an alcoholic. As in, when we would have any parties, we would have to hide any and all alcohol from him lest something happen. Sometimes I don't know how my aunt puts up with him. If holidays with mom's side of the family meant grandma had wine, then holidays with dad's side of the family meant that this uncle had a beer in his hand. He was always drinking. Always. Old Style, I believe. I cannot tell you if he drank anything harder than that, but it doesn't matter. Quantity made up for quality. For those of you who doubt that long-term alcohol abuse doesn't kill brain cells, doesn't cause brain damage, I offer you this uncle. He is not the same man he was when I was a child. This saddens me more than you can imagine. It's been a while since I last saw him, but he was so...different than I recalled him to be. He just wasn't all there. That's not to say he can't function as a human being, but he doesn't function the way he should function, the way he was born to function. I remember something from when I was a child. I know longer know if it did really happen or if my child's mind somehow blew it out of proportion. I am inclined to say it did occur, though. My grandmother, when she was alive, lived with this uncle and his wife. One night he got so drunk he flew into a rage and either threatened or attempted to kill his wife and his mother. Again, child's memory--not sure which exactly it was. But for either to have occurred is shocking and sad. He's certainly not that way when he's sober, or more sober than drunk. I would have said he loved his family and wouldn't hurt a fly. This was a family that always had tons of animals around the house; somehow I can't see him hurting his pets, much less his family members. But something happened. Years later, at a wedding reception, he and another brother got into a fight over long-ago money matters that to this day has yet to be resolved. It's been nearly 14 years. Their mother passed away almost ten years ago now and they barely said two words to each other at the funeral. They were both pallbearers; they had to be on opposite sides/corners of the casket. Is it worth it, guys? Had you not been drunk, the story probably wouldn't have come out in the first place; either that, or you would have been in a better position to discuss things. But no. And now you no longer speak and the rest of the family has to relay messages. Fabulous.
By now you're probably thinking, okay, so you have drunk relatives. No biggie; most of us do. But it's not like anyone's died, right?
Wrong.
My oldest cousin was an alcoholic. He died of cirrhosis of the liver. Granted, I didn't know him. I also didn't know his father, my dad's oldest brother. (Both were still in Poland when my father was a kid; he really didn't know them, either.) But he was still a member of my family. Perhaps, if he hadn't been an alcoholic, I would have gotten to know him. He was only 37 when he died. (Dad was 43 at the time; I would have been about 17.)
I've also worked with alcoholics. I think that might be worse, in some ways, because you see these people and you know they're struggling but there's nothing you can really do. You're not a family member and you're not close enough to them to really say anything. Oddly, all the people I'm thinking of were my bosses. I had one at the bookstore. She was actually a really good manager up until she started having serious family issues and then she just up and disappeared. Like, literally, we didn't see her for weeks. We had to change the locks and the safe combination and everything. It was bizarre, and because she was embarrassed about everything we didn't find out what was going on for a long time. She didn't even tell the district manager, I don't believe; she only told our assistant manager that she was okay and that she had to take care of some stuff. That was it. I thought I saw her a few years later as a customer in the store, but I can't be sure. I do hope she got the help she needed. She had been such a nice lady...and, after her, we got the super-skanky manager that scared people away. So not cool. At the music store, well, I worked with a bunch of professional musicians. You can bet there was more than a little drinking going on with them. At least one was in AA because I saw the book. He happened to get married right around when I started working there, so I'm sure his wife set him on the straight and narrow. Another coworker would buy beers for a clearly underage coworker when we were out as a group. This really only happened one time, but it happened repeatedly that one time. The younger coworker did end up getting fired; in a way I'm surprised the older one didn't (though he did eventually leave after I left). Of course, the fact that she got caught having sex with someone at the owner's house while she was supposed to be working played into that. (She'd lied and told her mom it was because she got caught drinking. Ha. Not quite.) But I had one particular coworker who clearly had problems when I started working there. He was always going to the local bar after work; it was right through the back parking lot, very convenient. However, drinking did not bring out the best in him. He was an angry drunk--or, an angry sober, I guess you could say. I once saw him literally tear the phone off the wall because he was angry at the company on the other end. He had quite the temper; you didn't want to make him mad. I worked there for four and a half years; I think he had DUIs twice during that time and lost driving privileges, first for...mmm, a few months, the second time for a year. It was that second time that really awakened him to his problems with alcohol. The main problem was that he's in a local band that travels everywhere. He could no longer drive himself to his gigs; he always needed a ride. He also had a lot of equipment as well, which caused more issues. He did live close enough to work that he could walk it, which he did. I think he was kind of like my uncle, in that all that walking did him a lot of good, helped him feel better; I don't know that he stopped drinking, but I believe he consumed a lot less. His demeanor changed. I mean, he was like an entirely different person. He was pleasant to be around. You could joke with him. He'd joke back. He didn't particularly like it if you, say, spilled his coffee all over his keyboard (which I did on several occasions), but at least you didn't get chewed out over it. He'd get mad, but he wouldn't berate you. It was so amazing. So not only have I seen a person go downhill from what he once was, I've also seen a person come back up that hill and seen the positive changes that can come from decreased alcohol consumption. Perhaps drinking doesn't kill all of your brain cells; maybe it only damages them, and they can bounce back. I'd like to think that.
However, this still makes me scared of being with someone who drinks. This is why I'm single. I really don't want to be with a guy who drinks. This is why most guys really never had a chance with me before. This is also part of the reason I'm not married right now. I am totally serious. I knew a guy in college whom I really cared about, and I know he loved me, but I saw him drunk and it freaked me out and I stopped speaking to him for three months because of it. He had no idea why, and I botched my explanation of it when I eventually started speaking to him again. I did irreparable damage to our relationship, and while I'm no longer bitter about it, it still hurts. I really have a hard time seeing someone I really care about drink. I was at a party once and I saw a particular guy simply reach for a bottle opener and I literally flipped out, as in half of the party had to come outside and calm me down. Rachel, if you're reading this, you may have been there; I know your brother definitely was. That whole situation, which happened during my last year of college, taught me that I have to accept a person as he is. I cannot change him and I cannot expect him to change if he doesn't want to. It was a really difficult lesson to learn, but it's taught me how to love unconditionally. If I can't love a person the way he is, then he is not for me. However, if he has lots of good things going for him, and the only thing I don't like about him is that he drinks, well, then, perhaps I need to find a way to accept that. I certainly don't need to like it, and I could probably request that it not be done around me, but I can't say, okay, no more alcohol for you. That's not fair to him. That's not loving him unconditionally. I've seen enough of love with conditions while growing up; I shouldn't perpetuate it.
By the way, the boy drinks. But I think I've realized that I want to be with him anyway.
(This whole last part has me in tears, incidentally.)
Like coffee, alcohol isn't a food. But it is something that can be taken into the body, and calories are involved, so I'm going to put it here. I suppose, in a way, it's fitting that I'm putting this on St. Patrick's Day.
If you've known me for any length of time, or if you've seen me at a party, you know that I do not drink. You probably don't know why, though. I have a number of reasons. Number one, I like being in complete control of myself. I'm anal-retentive, and you probably knew that already, and part of my anal-retentiveness involves doing my best to not relinquish control of myself to anyone else. I don't trust people as a general rule. I don't want to take a chance in trusting someone when I'm not fully myself. This is how people get into trouble.
Number two, I dislike the idea of killing off brain cells. Some of you will probably disagree with me on this; I'll get to that later. I learned in about the fifth grade that you only get X amount of brain cells. Once they die, they're gone. That's it. You don't get them back. I believe that brain cells are the only ones that don't regenerate or what have you. Alcohol kills brain cells. (Again, more in a bit.) I like brain cells. Why would I purposely kill my brain cells? So, yeah, I learned this probably twenty years ago and took it to heart. I have never had a drink in my adult life and I'm not planning on changing that.
(Sadly, I can't say I've never had a drink ever. My dad would give me beer when I was a kid...and apparently I really liked it. But we won't speak of this again.)
Number three, I've never seen the point of drinking or getting drunk. Too many people have said that certain alcohols are acquired tastes. You know why they taste bad? Because they're bad for you. Plus, they're empty calories. You're ingesting something that isn't going to do you any good. At least with food you're typically getting some kind of nourishment from it, depending on what you're eating.
(As for food made with alcohol, for the most part I won't eat it. The smell and taste turn me off.)
Now we come to number four. This is the big one, and the main reason for me to avoid alcohol.
I've known, worked with, and been related to a number of alcoholics. I've seen what it's done to friends and family members over a long period of time. I know the destruction it can cause. I also know that it's possible to come back from it, but you really have to hit bottom to see what you're missing. I know most, if not all, of you do drink, and that's fine...say it with me, more in a minute. Perhaps it's because I'm not around most of you a lot, but I don't think most (if any) of you have a problem. This is why I'm comfortable enough to go to parties with you guys; I know what you're like, and I know you're typically responsible, and you're not afraid to stay at a party to sober up.
However, not everyone is like this. I'll start with mom's side of the family. My grandparents are social drinkers--my grandmother much more than my grandfather. The thing is, she's a social person. (No, I don't know how I came from her. But I digress.) If she hosted a gathering, you know wine was involved. As in, when I think of holidays as a child, I think of my grandmother drinking wine. She was never into hard stuff from what I recall, but there was always wine. Always. Mom recently bought a bottle of wine labeled "Bitch" because she thought it was funny. Somehow it came up around Christmastime and we told grandma about it; mom flipped out because she thought her mom would want to drink it. It's not that mom didn't want to share, though I don't think she bought it to drink it; no, it's that she didn't want to have to deal with drunk grandma. My grandmother's pretty animated and loud to begin with; alcohol just magnifies everything. She's not a bad drunk, but it's better to keep her as she is.
My mother's older brother, though, is an alcoholic. He's my uncle whom I forget is actually a pretty cool guy. He's pretty smart and knows a lot about history. However, he wasted a good portion of his life drinking. He's only a year older than my mom but he hasn't accomplished much of anything. That makes me sad. My grandparents divorced about a decade ago, and my uncle was left without a place to live. Until that point, he basically crashed on the couch in their family room. He spent much of his time drinking and didn't really hold onto jobs. He ended up moving in with a woman who assured my grandmother that she'd keep an eye on him and make him pay rent weekly so he wouldn't fall behind or be tempted to spend his money elsewhere. Why did he move in with her? Because she lived next door to his favorite bar. I'm not kidding. Oh, did I mention that my uncle can't drive? He's had so many DUIs that his license was permanently revoked, I believe. Since he did move in with that woman, though, he has improved. She runs a dog grooming shop and he'll help out there, and he has worked as steadily as he could. Because he has to rely on public transportation or be within walking distance of a job, his options are limited, but he finds a way. Because he does so much walking he's in pretty decent shape now. I don't see him very much; I last saw him about a year and a half ago. But I really hope he keeps his life on track. I only wish he was able to do it years ago.
Dad's side of the family hasn't fared any better. One of his brothers is also an alcoholic. As in, when we would have any parties, we would have to hide any and all alcohol from him lest something happen. Sometimes I don't know how my aunt puts up with him. If holidays with mom's side of the family meant grandma had wine, then holidays with dad's side of the family meant that this uncle had a beer in his hand. He was always drinking. Always. Old Style, I believe. I cannot tell you if he drank anything harder than that, but it doesn't matter. Quantity made up for quality. For those of you who doubt that long-term alcohol abuse doesn't kill brain cells, doesn't cause brain damage, I offer you this uncle. He is not the same man he was when I was a child. This saddens me more than you can imagine. It's been a while since I last saw him, but he was so...different than I recalled him to be. He just wasn't all there. That's not to say he can't function as a human being, but he doesn't function the way he should function, the way he was born to function. I remember something from when I was a child. I know longer know if it did really happen or if my child's mind somehow blew it out of proportion. I am inclined to say it did occur, though. My grandmother, when she was alive, lived with this uncle and his wife. One night he got so drunk he flew into a rage and either threatened or attempted to kill his wife and his mother. Again, child's memory--not sure which exactly it was. But for either to have occurred is shocking and sad. He's certainly not that way when he's sober, or more sober than drunk. I would have said he loved his family and wouldn't hurt a fly. This was a family that always had tons of animals around the house; somehow I can't see him hurting his pets, much less his family members. But something happened. Years later, at a wedding reception, he and another brother got into a fight over long-ago money matters that to this day has yet to be resolved. It's been nearly 14 years. Their mother passed away almost ten years ago now and they barely said two words to each other at the funeral. They were both pallbearers; they had to be on opposite sides/corners of the casket. Is it worth it, guys? Had you not been drunk, the story probably wouldn't have come out in the first place; either that, or you would have been in a better position to discuss things. But no. And now you no longer speak and the rest of the family has to relay messages. Fabulous.
By now you're probably thinking, okay, so you have drunk relatives. No biggie; most of us do. But it's not like anyone's died, right?
Wrong.
My oldest cousin was an alcoholic. He died of cirrhosis of the liver. Granted, I didn't know him. I also didn't know his father, my dad's oldest brother. (Both were still in Poland when my father was a kid; he really didn't know them, either.) But he was still a member of my family. Perhaps, if he hadn't been an alcoholic, I would have gotten to know him. He was only 37 when he died. (Dad was 43 at the time; I would have been about 17.)
I've also worked with alcoholics. I think that might be worse, in some ways, because you see these people and you know they're struggling but there's nothing you can really do. You're not a family member and you're not close enough to them to really say anything. Oddly, all the people I'm thinking of were my bosses. I had one at the bookstore. She was actually a really good manager up until she started having serious family issues and then she just up and disappeared. Like, literally, we didn't see her for weeks. We had to change the locks and the safe combination and everything. It was bizarre, and because she was embarrassed about everything we didn't find out what was going on for a long time. She didn't even tell the district manager, I don't believe; she only told our assistant manager that she was okay and that she had to take care of some stuff. That was it. I thought I saw her a few years later as a customer in the store, but I can't be sure. I do hope she got the help she needed. She had been such a nice lady...and, after her, we got the super-skanky manager that scared people away. So not cool. At the music store, well, I worked with a bunch of professional musicians. You can bet there was more than a little drinking going on with them. At least one was in AA because I saw the book. He happened to get married right around when I started working there, so I'm sure his wife set him on the straight and narrow. Another coworker would buy beers for a clearly underage coworker when we were out as a group. This really only happened one time, but it happened repeatedly that one time. The younger coworker did end up getting fired; in a way I'm surprised the older one didn't (though he did eventually leave after I left). Of course, the fact that she got caught having sex with someone at the owner's house while she was supposed to be working played into that. (She'd lied and told her mom it was because she got caught drinking. Ha. Not quite.) But I had one particular coworker who clearly had problems when I started working there. He was always going to the local bar after work; it was right through the back parking lot, very convenient. However, drinking did not bring out the best in him. He was an angry drunk--or, an angry sober, I guess you could say. I once saw him literally tear the phone off the wall because he was angry at the company on the other end. He had quite the temper; you didn't want to make him mad. I worked there for four and a half years; I think he had DUIs twice during that time and lost driving privileges, first for...mmm, a few months, the second time for a year. It was that second time that really awakened him to his problems with alcohol. The main problem was that he's in a local band that travels everywhere. He could no longer drive himself to his gigs; he always needed a ride. He also had a lot of equipment as well, which caused more issues. He did live close enough to work that he could walk it, which he did. I think he was kind of like my uncle, in that all that walking did him a lot of good, helped him feel better; I don't know that he stopped drinking, but I believe he consumed a lot less. His demeanor changed. I mean, he was like an entirely different person. He was pleasant to be around. You could joke with him. He'd joke back. He didn't particularly like it if you, say, spilled his coffee all over his keyboard (which I did on several occasions), but at least you didn't get chewed out over it. He'd get mad, but he wouldn't berate you. It was so amazing. So not only have I seen a person go downhill from what he once was, I've also seen a person come back up that hill and seen the positive changes that can come from decreased alcohol consumption. Perhaps drinking doesn't kill all of your brain cells; maybe it only damages them, and they can bounce back. I'd like to think that.
However, this still makes me scared of being with someone who drinks. This is why I'm single. I really don't want to be with a guy who drinks. This is why most guys really never had a chance with me before. This is also part of the reason I'm not married right now. I am totally serious. I knew a guy in college whom I really cared about, and I know he loved me, but I saw him drunk and it freaked me out and I stopped speaking to him for three months because of it. He had no idea why, and I botched my explanation of it when I eventually started speaking to him again. I did irreparable damage to our relationship, and while I'm no longer bitter about it, it still hurts. I really have a hard time seeing someone I really care about drink. I was at a party once and I saw a particular guy simply reach for a bottle opener and I literally flipped out, as in half of the party had to come outside and calm me down. Rachel, if you're reading this, you may have been there; I know your brother definitely was. That whole situation, which happened during my last year of college, taught me that I have to accept a person as he is. I cannot change him and I cannot expect him to change if he doesn't want to. It was a really difficult lesson to learn, but it's taught me how to love unconditionally. If I can't love a person the way he is, then he is not for me. However, if he has lots of good things going for him, and the only thing I don't like about him is that he drinks, well, then, perhaps I need to find a way to accept that. I certainly don't need to like it, and I could probably request that it not be done around me, but I can't say, okay, no more alcohol for you. That's not fair to him. That's not loving him unconditionally. I've seen enough of love with conditions while growing up; I shouldn't perpetuate it.
By the way, the boy drinks. But I think I've realized that I want to be with him anyway.
(This whole last part has me in tears, incidentally.)