Saying goodbye to the Director Emeritus
Part 1: The Visitation
I always knew I was going to the visitation. It went until 7 and wasn't far from work, so once I got off work on Friday, I had something to eat and headed over there about 5:30. I've never been to a visitation physically inside a church; they've basically always been at funeral homes in my experience, so that was interesting. The line when I got there was out of the sanctuary and into the vestibule, but I got told that the line had gone down by then. It had been longer an hour earlier and curled around into the little hallway that was adjacent to the vestibule and next to the sanctuary. I found this out from Euphonium D; I'll go into that shortly.
The hallway held a table of memorabilia, and there were also a few church members standing around, and I spotted both ADB and a friend of the band in there. I went over to say hi, especially to the friend, who is the composer who was commissioned to write a piece for the Director Emeritus upon celebrating 50 years at the helm of the band. The composer had come out for DE's retirement last summer and spoke at the banquet. He'd made a few comments on the CaringBridge page, which made the march he composed pop into my head, and I wasn't surprised when the march got added to our next concert. Anyway, I'm glad he was able to make it out and I told him I'd had his march in my head recently; his response was, "I'm sorry." No, no, it was a good thing! I don't know what his relationship was with DE, but he must have filled more of a mentor role than I figured.
I then got into line and had people I knew directly in front of me and behind me. There was the Eb clarinet player and her husband, then C the band manager in front of me; behind me were a couple of non-band members I know. Both taught high school band; he's retired and she is still teaching. Then along came euphonium D, who'd just gone through the line once but started talking to C and me, and he ended up going through it a second time. The Eb player joked that it was like Groundhog Day. I went, it actually is Groundhog Day! (We should've started playing Sonny & Cher.) It was nice to have D there, because he was able to point out some of the family members to us. We also heard about his job. He's retired now but he worked for a well-known oil company, including on a notorious incident from 2010. Let's just say a movie was made out of it. He didn't call it by its well-known name, but I looked it up and basically went, holy crap, I can't believe I know someone involved in cleaning up what occurred.
The line really wasn't all that long, in and of itself; it's more that once we got to certain family members, people took a while in talking to them. On one end you had Mrs. DE. Then you had her one daughter, K, and her husband; next came her other daughter, J, and her two kids; then came the widow of one of DE's sons and...her son and daughter?; and then was DE's daughter D and her son. There were other family members floating around but they weren't necessarily in the receiving line when I came through. I'd mostly talked with the band manager and euph D for a while, then when we turned the corner and went down the main aisle, I found myself talking with the two band directors I knew. This is how I found out the wife is an NCC alum! We had no idea the other was a Cardinal; if I've heard her talk about college, it was about Northwestern, where she got her Master's degree. I'd mentioned how DE was my final college band director, and he taught me in the church's fellowship hall. (I didn't go down that way, because we didn't really have access to it, but I peeked in one of the doors when I left.) Having me there helped the two band directors get introduced to some of the family. DE considered his wife's two girls his own after they blended their families when the girls were all in about high school, and when I introduced myself to daughter K, she asked for my last name as she did recognize some of the band members' names. I'd said I'd played piccolo at the retirement concert and she spoke highly of my solo, then said Stars & Stripes Forever was one of her favorites and that she loved the piccolo part. She knew the regular piccolo player had done it for years and I had to mention, yeah, she knew she was going to be out of town for that concert so I had to do it by myself. When I reached daughter J and her kids, not only did her son remember me, he said he was coming back to play with us this summer. Great! He's the grandson who plays trombone. I was so glad he was able to join us last year, especially now. I didn't really know the next few family members, but we hit a backlog once we got to daughter D, since she had been in the band with us. It was funny to have her and the band manager together, since that was D's position prior to moving out of state. It was good to see her, though, and her son is all grown up and married now and has a child. He was in college when she moved.
After I got through the line, I went out in the hall and looked at the stuff on the table. There hadn't been a body or any pictures of DE in the sanctuary, so I didn't feel especially sad, but looking at what was on the table got to me a little. His license plate was there. He had a personalized plate, and it doesn't expire until April, so seeing that kind of got to me. There was also one of the commemorative street signs; part of me thought we should have put black bunting on the ones hanging at the park. There were a number of framed family pictures and various bits and bobs, and then on the end was the binder of stories we were asked to submit before the retirement concert, and which was presented to him at the banquet. I paged through it a bit but didn't really get to read them; that could be fun, though. Also, one of the things C and D and I discussed when we first got in line had been the band scrapbooks that D's wife has put together. D said it would be nice for them to be on display, but how to display them without worrying that they might get stolen? I suggested digitizing them and putting them online. C thought that was a great idea...and would I want to head up a committee to make that happen? No. I'm an ideas person, not an action person. Back to the binder, I found my submission and it was two pages long. ADB was still there and walked past me when I looked at that, and I told him I'd been a writing major so I used a lot of words. He mentioned that he'd be speaking at the funeral and he also was kind of wordy, but that's just how it was. I hear you.
Part 2: The Funeral
I wasn't sure if I'd be up to going to the funeral. I'd been leaving my house every day for nearly two weeks straight and I was exhausted. Then I stayed in bed until 8:15 Saturday morning and felt somewhat refreshed. I knew I'd regret it if I didn't go, so I made the effort. I ran into trombone D on the way over to the concert hall, so we ended up buddying up and sat together for the ceremony.
I have to say, it wasn't all that sad for me, which was nice. It helped that there was a small version of our band onstage. We counted 26 members, and later I'd hear that those who were chosen were told to keep it hush-hush. I'd heard after last week's band rehearsal that there would be a group playing, so I knew it was happening. A fair amount of the people who were chosen were old-timers in the band or had special ties to DE. I also realized that two of the people who played had been in the band longer than DE had been leading it--F the French horn player celebrated 60 years last summer, and B the trombone player has been in there 72 years. I remember that because it's longer than my dad has been alive. And he still plays! B is goals, man.
Trombone D and I found our way up to the balcony and sat in the very back row, next to percussion B, his wife, and their two daughters. B mentioned how odd it was to watch part of the band play. I asked him, where's your blanket? His wife and daughters always picnic on the grass with him before our summer concerts. That got him to laugh, though they definitely were crying at times.
I should mention that, as D and I were walking up, we saw a fire truck positioned outside with its ladder up. Oh, wow, I would not have expected that. I got a picture of that; considering the funeral started at 5 o'clock, dusk wasn't too far off, and the truck was gone once the funeral ended. Of the eight speakers, one was the fire chief, who knew DE. I guess the chief had promised DE a ride in the truck, but it didn't happen before he passed. Other speakers included both AD2 and ADB, plus a band member, who brought his phone up to the podium and said he'd explain later. He told a story of how his father had been in the band and would go fishing with DE, then he went fishing with DE, and they'd be on the lake late in the afternoon, and the other boats would have gone away and the sun was starting to go down and it was quiet and peaceful...and then you'd hear this. And the band member set off a particular ringtone on his phone: Stars & Stripes Forever. Yep. It would go off during rehearsals; we all know that ringtone. One speaker couldn't be there in person so the priest read his words. Everyone spoke on a different aspect of DE's life. The last person went up and said, I'm the caboose! And set down a train car in front of the tuba that was positioned on stage. He discussed DE's love of trains and how he and clarinet L would come and set up a model train set at a local bank every Christmas. I happened to run into L after it was over and went, you got a shout-out! He was not expecting that at all.
The speakers nearly all shared humorous stories about DE, which was fitting, given that he was a master storyteller. When things ended, the priest led the family out of the hall to the sounds of our band's namesake march, written by DE. Out in the lobby, a bunch of us greeted each other and I got to see several former band members who made it for the funeral:
--Flute C and her husband, who now live in PA
--Clarinet M and her husband, who now live in IA
--The married couple who celebrated 50 years last summer, who now live in NH
--Bonus: Trombone T, who I'd hung out with on the Texas trip in 2015 and who then promptly left the band due to work commitments. He still lives in the area, in Oak Park, and is now married. I'd run into him the following year but that was it. I asked if he was still playing and it sounded like he'd been asked that a lot, so perhaps he'll get back into it again.
I found myself talking to trumpet A, whose hair has purple highlights currently. It came up that our next concert falls on St. Patrick's Day, so A then pulled up the hair dye website to see if she could find a green dye. DE's daughter D had come over by then and I could see her trying not to twitch at that thought--it was the band manager in her, she said. Oh, I get it. I was trying to talk A into perhaps a darker, forest green, rather than kelly. The funeral had been over with for a while by then, and soon after we heard someone running a vacuum cleaner. Guess we should be going! Oboe C had mentioned she was going out to eat and we were welcome to join her, but I decided to go home. A and I walked out together but before we got too far, I realized I should go to the bathroom. A preferred to keep walking and left. ...If only it were that easy to end a conversation with her in rehearsal. Hmm. I went in the back door and got a surprise--our (likely retired) emcee was there, in a wheelchair, waiting for someone to pull up a car for her. She'd had a stroke a couple months ago and we've not seen her in a while, so I told her it was wonderful to see her and say hi. Don't forget, she's 8 years older than DE, so one never knows the last time one will see her. She's a special lady and I'm sure losing DE was upsetting for her.
When I came out of the bathroom, she was gone, but band manager C was there and finishing up with her cleanup. She asked if I wanted any flowers--then was like, please take the flowers--so I walked with her out to the lobby to take the one remaining vase. There were a couple random items left on some of the benches out there, and a house worker was there; it turned out she was the person C had been working with to coordinate things, and she was so happy to see her in person that C asked to give her a hug. That was cute. So this is how I gained flowers that are making the house smell like a funeral home. Mom thought they were really pretty, and they are; mom was taking pictures of them on Sunday.
I'm glad everything is over with, though it's weird. With no body and no big portraits of DE, it almost doesn't feel like he's actually gone. It's like he's just on a fishing trip or visiting his daughters, all of whom live out of town. Collectively, we haven't seen him since November, so it's not like he was there one week and then suddenly was gone. I'm not sure when it will hit me, maybe at the next concert.
I always knew I was going to the visitation. It went until 7 and wasn't far from work, so once I got off work on Friday, I had something to eat and headed over there about 5:30. I've never been to a visitation physically inside a church; they've basically always been at funeral homes in my experience, so that was interesting. The line when I got there was out of the sanctuary and into the vestibule, but I got told that the line had gone down by then. It had been longer an hour earlier and curled around into the little hallway that was adjacent to the vestibule and next to the sanctuary. I found this out from Euphonium D; I'll go into that shortly.
The hallway held a table of memorabilia, and there were also a few church members standing around, and I spotted both ADB and a friend of the band in there. I went over to say hi, especially to the friend, who is the composer who was commissioned to write a piece for the Director Emeritus upon celebrating 50 years at the helm of the band. The composer had come out for DE's retirement last summer and spoke at the banquet. He'd made a few comments on the CaringBridge page, which made the march he composed pop into my head, and I wasn't surprised when the march got added to our next concert. Anyway, I'm glad he was able to make it out and I told him I'd had his march in my head recently; his response was, "I'm sorry." No, no, it was a good thing! I don't know what his relationship was with DE, but he must have filled more of a mentor role than I figured.
I then got into line and had people I knew directly in front of me and behind me. There was the Eb clarinet player and her husband, then C the band manager in front of me; behind me were a couple of non-band members I know. Both taught high school band; he's retired and she is still teaching. Then along came euphonium D, who'd just gone through the line once but started talking to C and me, and he ended up going through it a second time. The Eb player joked that it was like Groundhog Day. I went, it actually is Groundhog Day! (We should've started playing Sonny & Cher.) It was nice to have D there, because he was able to point out some of the family members to us. We also heard about his job. He's retired now but he worked for a well-known oil company, including on a notorious incident from 2010. Let's just say a movie was made out of it. He didn't call it by its well-known name, but I looked it up and basically went, holy crap, I can't believe I know someone involved in cleaning up what occurred.
The line really wasn't all that long, in and of itself; it's more that once we got to certain family members, people took a while in talking to them. On one end you had Mrs. DE. Then you had her one daughter, K, and her husband; next came her other daughter, J, and her two kids; then came the widow of one of DE's sons and...her son and daughter?; and then was DE's daughter D and her son. There were other family members floating around but they weren't necessarily in the receiving line when I came through. I'd mostly talked with the band manager and euph D for a while, then when we turned the corner and went down the main aisle, I found myself talking with the two band directors I knew. This is how I found out the wife is an NCC alum! We had no idea the other was a Cardinal; if I've heard her talk about college, it was about Northwestern, where she got her Master's degree. I'd mentioned how DE was my final college band director, and he taught me in the church's fellowship hall. (I didn't go down that way, because we didn't really have access to it, but I peeked in one of the doors when I left.) Having me there helped the two band directors get introduced to some of the family. DE considered his wife's two girls his own after they blended their families when the girls were all in about high school, and when I introduced myself to daughter K, she asked for my last name as she did recognize some of the band members' names. I'd said I'd played piccolo at the retirement concert and she spoke highly of my solo, then said Stars & Stripes Forever was one of her favorites and that she loved the piccolo part. She knew the regular piccolo player had done it for years and I had to mention, yeah, she knew she was going to be out of town for that concert so I had to do it by myself. When I reached daughter J and her kids, not only did her son remember me, he said he was coming back to play with us this summer. Great! He's the grandson who plays trombone. I was so glad he was able to join us last year, especially now. I didn't really know the next few family members, but we hit a backlog once we got to daughter D, since she had been in the band with us. It was funny to have her and the band manager together, since that was D's position prior to moving out of state. It was good to see her, though, and her son is all grown up and married now and has a child. He was in college when she moved.
After I got through the line, I went out in the hall and looked at the stuff on the table. There hadn't been a body or any pictures of DE in the sanctuary, so I didn't feel especially sad, but looking at what was on the table got to me a little. His license plate was there. He had a personalized plate, and it doesn't expire until April, so seeing that kind of got to me. There was also one of the commemorative street signs; part of me thought we should have put black bunting on the ones hanging at the park. There were a number of framed family pictures and various bits and bobs, and then on the end was the binder of stories we were asked to submit before the retirement concert, and which was presented to him at the banquet. I paged through it a bit but didn't really get to read them; that could be fun, though. Also, one of the things C and D and I discussed when we first got in line had been the band scrapbooks that D's wife has put together. D said it would be nice for them to be on display, but how to display them without worrying that they might get stolen? I suggested digitizing them and putting them online. C thought that was a great idea...and would I want to head up a committee to make that happen? No. I'm an ideas person, not an action person. Back to the binder, I found my submission and it was two pages long. ADB was still there and walked past me when I looked at that, and I told him I'd been a writing major so I used a lot of words. He mentioned that he'd be speaking at the funeral and he also was kind of wordy, but that's just how it was. I hear you.
Part 2: The Funeral
I wasn't sure if I'd be up to going to the funeral. I'd been leaving my house every day for nearly two weeks straight and I was exhausted. Then I stayed in bed until 8:15 Saturday morning and felt somewhat refreshed. I knew I'd regret it if I didn't go, so I made the effort. I ran into trombone D on the way over to the concert hall, so we ended up buddying up and sat together for the ceremony.
I have to say, it wasn't all that sad for me, which was nice. It helped that there was a small version of our band onstage. We counted 26 members, and later I'd hear that those who were chosen were told to keep it hush-hush. I'd heard after last week's band rehearsal that there would be a group playing, so I knew it was happening. A fair amount of the people who were chosen were old-timers in the band or had special ties to DE. I also realized that two of the people who played had been in the band longer than DE had been leading it--F the French horn player celebrated 60 years last summer, and B the trombone player has been in there 72 years. I remember that because it's longer than my dad has been alive. And he still plays! B is goals, man.
Trombone D and I found our way up to the balcony and sat in the very back row, next to percussion B, his wife, and their two daughters. B mentioned how odd it was to watch part of the band play. I asked him, where's your blanket? His wife and daughters always picnic on the grass with him before our summer concerts. That got him to laugh, though they definitely were crying at times.
I should mention that, as D and I were walking up, we saw a fire truck positioned outside with its ladder up. Oh, wow, I would not have expected that. I got a picture of that; considering the funeral started at 5 o'clock, dusk wasn't too far off, and the truck was gone once the funeral ended. Of the eight speakers, one was the fire chief, who knew DE. I guess the chief had promised DE a ride in the truck, but it didn't happen before he passed. Other speakers included both AD2 and ADB, plus a band member, who brought his phone up to the podium and said he'd explain later. He told a story of how his father had been in the band and would go fishing with DE, then he went fishing with DE, and they'd be on the lake late in the afternoon, and the other boats would have gone away and the sun was starting to go down and it was quiet and peaceful...and then you'd hear this. And the band member set off a particular ringtone on his phone: Stars & Stripes Forever. Yep. It would go off during rehearsals; we all know that ringtone. One speaker couldn't be there in person so the priest read his words. Everyone spoke on a different aspect of DE's life. The last person went up and said, I'm the caboose! And set down a train car in front of the tuba that was positioned on stage. He discussed DE's love of trains and how he and clarinet L would come and set up a model train set at a local bank every Christmas. I happened to run into L after it was over and went, you got a shout-out! He was not expecting that at all.
The speakers nearly all shared humorous stories about DE, which was fitting, given that he was a master storyteller. When things ended, the priest led the family out of the hall to the sounds of our band's namesake march, written by DE. Out in the lobby, a bunch of us greeted each other and I got to see several former band members who made it for the funeral:
--Flute C and her husband, who now live in PA
--Clarinet M and her husband, who now live in IA
--The married couple who celebrated 50 years last summer, who now live in NH
--Bonus: Trombone T, who I'd hung out with on the Texas trip in 2015 and who then promptly left the band due to work commitments. He still lives in the area, in Oak Park, and is now married. I'd run into him the following year but that was it. I asked if he was still playing and it sounded like he'd been asked that a lot, so perhaps he'll get back into it again.
I found myself talking to trumpet A, whose hair has purple highlights currently. It came up that our next concert falls on St. Patrick's Day, so A then pulled up the hair dye website to see if she could find a green dye. DE's daughter D had come over by then and I could see her trying not to twitch at that thought--it was the band manager in her, she said. Oh, I get it. I was trying to talk A into perhaps a darker, forest green, rather than kelly. The funeral had been over with for a while by then, and soon after we heard someone running a vacuum cleaner. Guess we should be going! Oboe C had mentioned she was going out to eat and we were welcome to join her, but I decided to go home. A and I walked out together but before we got too far, I realized I should go to the bathroom. A preferred to keep walking and left. ...If only it were that easy to end a conversation with her in rehearsal. Hmm. I went in the back door and got a surprise--our (likely retired) emcee was there, in a wheelchair, waiting for someone to pull up a car for her. She'd had a stroke a couple months ago and we've not seen her in a while, so I told her it was wonderful to see her and say hi. Don't forget, she's 8 years older than DE, so one never knows the last time one will see her. She's a special lady and I'm sure losing DE was upsetting for her.
When I came out of the bathroom, she was gone, but band manager C was there and finishing up with her cleanup. She asked if I wanted any flowers--then was like, please take the flowers--so I walked with her out to the lobby to take the one remaining vase. There were a couple random items left on some of the benches out there, and a house worker was there; it turned out she was the person C had been working with to coordinate things, and she was so happy to see her in person that C asked to give her a hug. That was cute. So this is how I gained flowers that are making the house smell like a funeral home. Mom thought they were really pretty, and they are; mom was taking pictures of them on Sunday.
I'm glad everything is over with, though it's weird. With no body and no big portraits of DE, it almost doesn't feel like he's actually gone. It's like he's just on a fishing trip or visiting his daughters, all of whom live out of town. Collectively, we haven't seen him since November, so it's not like he was there one week and then suddenly was gone. I'm not sure when it will hit me, maybe at the next concert.